An Imperial’s Lot

A Star Wars songfic by BobCat

Based on “When A Felon’s Not Engaged In His Employment” from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan.

Disclaimer: Star Wars and all associated copyrights property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm LTD, and the song is property of Gilbert and Sullivan.

Note: If you want to know what this song sounds like, the original words and a MIDI can be found online fairly easily. 

And now, the show…

A man wearing a stormtrooper’s uniform sans the helmet walked onto a brightly lit stage.  “Greetings, all.  I’m Davin Felth.  You might recognize me as the rebellious Stormtrooper who went rogue in a story from Tales From the Cantina.  Now, many people ask me why I opted to leave the Emperor’s service.  Was it the moral depravity?  That was part of it, but it wasn’t the biggest factor.  Was it the food?  Sure, the field rations tasted like bantha spit, but thanks to the incredible bribes the governor of Tatooine got, there was never a lack of edible food.  No, the biggest hit was in the pocketbook.  You see, most seem to believe that we troopers get a piece of the action.  WRONG!  You wanna know why we have the helmets?  No dental plan!  We have to look good for the Holovids… well, I could launch into a massive diatribe, but that would be boring.  Imperial statistics show that your average attention span is shorter than Darth Vader’s temper, wait for laughter… oh wait, I wasn’t supposed to read that part of the cue card… DAMMIT!  Anyway, on with the song!”  As he finished, a choir of Stormtroopers came out on stage, flanking Davin on either side.  Music began, and after an initial interlude, Davin began singing.

Davin:               When a Rebel's not a fleeing from out fleet,

Troopers:         From our fleet,

Davin:               Or planning how our men and guns to smash,

Troopers:         Guns to smash,

Davin:               His ability for good long-term employment

Troopers:         Term employment

Davin:               Will net him any form of food and cash,

Troopers:         Food and cash

Davin:               Whether volunteers or draftees from Mos Espa

Troopers:         From Mos Espa

Davin:               Our pittance is less than any other man

Troopers:         Other man

Davin:               But any young Alderaanian senator

Troopers:         Senator

Davin:               Can work shifts for the Rebel's dental plan

Troopers:         Dental plan

Davin:               When to our Emperor there’s duty to be done,

Troopers:         To be done,

Davin:               Taking one consideration with another,

Troopers:         With another,

Davin:               A Stormtrooper’s lot is not a happy one

Troopers:         Happy one.

All:       When to our Emperor there’s duty to be done, to be done, an Stormtrooper’s lot is not a happy one.

Davin:               When a Rebel general is not a plotting

Troopers:         Not a plotting

Davin:               Or on Hoth shivering just to stay alive,

Troopers:         Stay alive,

Davin:               He knows back home a warm fire is waiting,

Troopers:         Fire is waiting,

Davin:              ‘Cause he has a high end job from nine to five

Troopers:         Nine to five

Davin:               When Skywalker is done our Death Stars destroying,

Troopers:         Stars destroying,

Davin:               He can bask in Tatooine’s double sun,

Troopers:         Double sun

Davin:               Given one paycheck when weighed against the other,

Troopers:         ‘Gainst the other,

Davin:               A Stormtrooper’s job’s not a well paying one.

All:       When to our Emperor there’s duty to be done, to be done, a Stormtrooper’s lot is not a happy one.

Davin bowed.  “Thank you!  You may now get on with your lives, wait for laughter since most Star Wars fans don’t have lives… aw, poodo, I did it again!  Well, um… G’nite, folks… oh by the Force, we’re going to get flamed… ”

End