I'M SO BAD

No matter where you run, no matter where you try to hide, he's gonna catch you, just like he's gonna catch me . . .

                Late at night. Walking, swinging cane. Passing cars. Empty streets. Flickering neon. Smoke wreathes my head, burns my eyes. I try to focus, but I can't see clear. My heart is full of sand and my mind is full of clouds.

                Can't seem to find my way.

                Someone, tell me where to go. Someone, tell me what to say. Someone, tell me who I am.

                There is no one. Silence. Might be dead.

                Where am I going?

                Lonely building, up the stairs, locked door. Open window. Enter bedroom. Wait . . .

                She's awake.

                Where do I come from?

                I could tell her, hotel room. The house overlooking the valley. The Catholic orphanage. The wild hills. The fire. The cage.

                I don't know, I don't know.

                Where am I going? Almost got to paradise. What . . . what . . . I . . . what?

                Kiss. Her lips on mine, soft flesh, warm breath, sharp bone.

                Then pain. Falling, and no wings to spread. I am no angel. Falling, more pain. Again. Like before.

                Anthony, she asks. What do you want? And I tried to say it, but my tongue got tied.

                Do you love me?

                I tried to say it, but I was numb inside.

                So I tried to show her, but she could not understand. I didn't have the words for her. And it didn't get better as time went by. I wanted to tell her, I was there for you but you turned away. I try to look at what she shows me, but the smoke always gets in my eyes. Where there's smoke . . . fire. Burning building. Stones, timbers, falling. Broken arm, shattered ribs, crushed wrist, splintered leg, blinded eyes, burnt skin. I felt so bad and I didn't know why. Red blood. Pain, but I do not die.

                I wish I could.

                When I can walk again, I search for him. Small stone, fake name, granite angel. I kneel. You were right there but I can't see you. And I realize that it's useless. I want to fight, but it's useless. He is gone. I hear his voice, though.

                Everything I do is wrong, he says.

                Rosary beads, red blood, sad eyes. I am not part of god's well-oiled machine. The sisters lock the door, throw the bolt. I hear them in the halls, whispers like hissing snakes. They say, this poor little monster'd be better off dead.

                I'm so bad.

                Now -

                Late at night. They're asleep. I'm awake.

                Get the urge.

                Leap to balcony. Wait there again. Perch. Watching, curtain pulled back. Wait for her to invite me in.

                Girl, in bed. Asleep. Round face turned toward me, soft throat exposed. Inside, stand by bed. Hidden blade. Unsheathed.

                Awake. Green eyes wide open. I leap away. She follows. Hit the street. Jump a curb. Footsteps follow. Alleyway, dark and wet. Set the trap.

                Anthony, she calls to me. Is this love?

                What is love? Does it last through the night?

                Hidden blade, no longer hidden. Kick, slice. She is fast. I am faster. I gave her kisses. She gave me pain. She asks me, asks about love, but my tongue lays still in my mouth. Blood-smell. Thick in the air. To love and to honor, to kick and to bite. Blood everywhere. Mine, hers. She cries my name. I forget who I am.

                I don't belong here. I do not know my name. I do not know her name. I do not know what to say.

                But I know I'll get you. I'm so bad.

                How did I end up in this little hell? How did it ever begin? I was born inside a cage. Animal, insane. Never knew anything but rage. Hands. Whip. Pain.

                I remember -

                He is there. Small man with a sly, crooked smile and dark gray eyes. He unlocks the cage. He invites me out.

                Things come slow. Words never come. Learning, too many things to remember. How to dress. How to move. How to kill.                 Names. Praise. Kisses. Pain.

                She says the word love. I never say the word love. I cannot speak. Although I tried so hard to adjust, love is something I just don't understand.

                Love, he would say as he touched me.  Kisses, caresses. Red blood. I do this because I love you. Kiss, whip, pain. Mine, he says. His.

                Locks do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage. Still, I do not leave him.

                Kiss. I don't know why! Pain.

                I try and find excuses for what you did to me. Can't forget that burning rage when I wake up thinking of your face. Dry-mouthed, panting, screaming. Hurting. Hungering. Wanting your pain, and your kisses. Wanting the blinding swiftness of revenge that I know I'll never see.

                He is gone now. No pain, not if I don't want pain. No praise either. Only her kisses, her pain, are left to me, freely offered if I want them. I am alone. I am not lonely.

                I take what I need and I get what I can. She is here. Do I need her?

                Oh, I'm so bad.

                Next day. I wake up in the morning so tired. I dreamt that I was walking through fire. The fire didn't hurt me, though.

                We're old friends.

                Hidden blade. Red blood. Red hair. Dark outside, dark inside. Can't seem to find my way. He is gone. No one to point my way.

                What? What? I . . . what?

                Someone tell me what to say. The words won't come, the words won't come. She had the words for me, but they weren't the right ones. Love, Anthony. Words! I don't know why I feel this way, and I can't control myself anyway. Her blood is everywhere. There will be no more words. It's too late.

                And I feel so bad, but it's useless. Everything I do is wrong.

                Pass the time. All alone. Lie in bed. Countless slow nights while I stare at the wall. Hotel room, tv set. The clock that ticks on with its cruel shiny face.

                She is all I have left. Pain, kisses.

                Catch a ride. They're asleep. Two girls, the brunette, the blonde. Sleepy heads, hair spread on pillows. They don't know: the third one lays silent in a cold, dark alleyway. Red hair. Redder blood. Might be dead . . .

                They will find her come dawn. Got to move. Can't catch me! I'm as clever as can be, and I'm very quick. But don't forget, you've only got so many tricks. No one lives forever.

                Dreams drift like smoke, burning my eyes, but I'm awake. You better pray . . .

                Far away. In this new city. Join a crowd. Melt away. None suspect. Walking cane, hidden blade. Can't seem to find my way.

Smoke burns in my eyes. I follow the smoke, seeking fire. Smell of alcohol, unwashed human skin. Dark here, quiet. Sit. Too close, this other one. His hand on my arm. Light, caressing. I look up. Human smile.

                I smile back. Bared teeth. Not a smile, a threat. Lick lips, taste blood. Hidden blade. Red blood. Gray eyes. So many dead!

                This new one, he has no idea.

                Two fingers up. Buy a drink. Cool in my hands, smooth glass, burns throat. Smile, fake smile. Asks my name. I shake my head.

                Anthony, they say. Patron saint. He who heals. Anthony, she called me. Dark alley where she lies. Black is for the nighttime, preys upon the day. Red is for the blood that flows like rivers in our veins. Red lips, last word painted red on them. His gray eyes, the gray dawn as his hands explore me, own me. Gray is for betrayal, what you did to me.

                I liked his name better.

                Azrael, he called me. Out of a book. I read: archangel of Scorpio. Angel who shepherds the soul from the body at death.

                White wings? White is for the blinding light that I know I'll never see.

                He is gone, she is gone. Echoes. No one to show me the way. No one to tell me what to say. No one to tell me my name.

                No one to lock the cage.

                No more pain. No more kisses.

                I am an angel.

                You better pray I don't get you.

                I'm so bad.

*end*

Author's note: This was originally written for the contrelemontre challenge in which the lyrics of a song had to be incorporated throughout the story. The main song I used was "I'm So Bad" by Oingo Boingo, music and lyrics by Danny Elfman, but I also snuck in bits from other Boingo songs. See if you can pick them out.