BEGIN CHAPTER 3

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR
The class has ended. Darian steps into the corridor.

DARIAN: (mutters)
This must be hell.

Upchuck approaches him.

UPCHUCK:
Bonjour, mon cher ami.

DARIAN:
This is hell. Hey.

Upchuck hands over a file to Darian.

UPCHUCK:
Voilà, le petite dossier pour vous. That would be 30$ please.

DARIAN:
Money is such an universal languages… If you won't mind I would like to browse the test first.

UPCHUCK:
Be my guest.

DARIAN: (reads out loud)
Question 1: "Self-esteem is important because…"

Darian doesn't read the following answer. He looks away from the sheet and mumbles.

DARIAN: (guessing)
It is good to manage the tasks of your daily life.

He looks back at the sheet to read the answer.

DARIAN: (reads out loud)
"It is a quality that will stand us in good stead the rest of our lives."

UPCHUCK:
Huh?

DARIAN: (reads out loud)
Question 2: "The next time I start to feel bad about myself..."

Again Darian doesn't read the following answer. He looks away and mumbles.

DARIAN: (guessing)
Realizing your actuality, you must say to yourself, that you are something special and unique.

He looks back at the sheet.

DARIAN: (reads out loud)
"Look at yourself in the mirror and say: You are special. No one else is like you."

UPCHUCK:
What the…?

DARIAN: (reads out loud)
Question 3 "There's no such thing..."

Darian does the same procedure like before.

DARIAN: (guessing)
As a general body images. You are, what you are. It is right, when you stand proudly and proclaim: "I am."

He looks back.

DARIAN: (reads out loud)
As the right weight or the right height. There is only what is right for me, because me is who I am.

UPCHUCK:
How do you do that? How could you guess the answers?

DARIAN:
The answers are obvious; all this self-esteem psychobabble is so predictable.

UPCHUCK:
You are right. You can find kind of psycho talk in the "Cosmopolitan"…. I mean not that I read it… did you?

DARIAN:
No. This is a different thing. It is spontaneous and it is called "astuteness". I guess I don't need the your test answers.

He hand Upchuck the file back.

UPCHUCK:
But, I thought we had a deal. The 30$...

DARIAN:
… Which will remain mine. Thank you very much.

Darian leaves Upchuck and walks back into the classroom.

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – SELF-ESTEEM CLASS WITH MR. O'NEILL
Darian enters and walks to O'Neill who is looking for a paper in his suitcase.

O'NEILL:
Do you still need clarification on something we covered today? Like the noc…

DARIAN: (deadpan)
No, I am bursting with self-esteem. I want to take the graduation test right now.

O'NEILL:
Now that is a confound coincidence. You are not the only one.

Darian turns around and notice that the girl with the blue eyes is sitting alone in class.
Mr. O'Neill pulls out papers from this suitcase and hand them over to Darian and the girl.

O'NEILL:
It is not the way we usually do it, but it seems you self-images meters must be both on the uptick! You and …Penny Lane.

The girl with the blue eyes raises her eyebrows.

O'NEILL:
Oh sorry.. I mean Tren… no… uhh.

GIRL WITH THE BLUE EYES:
Jane Lane.

O'NEILL:
Ah yes of course You know, you look familiar somehow.

Darian couldn't help to gaze at her. And Jane answers his attitude with a "why-are-you-staring-at-me-again" look.

DARIAN VOICE OVER:
Jane…
… is staring at me… Why?… Because I am staring at her again…

Ashamed Darian turns around, takes a seat and starts the test.

LATER

INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE
Nearly all students of the Lawndale High are present. Darian and Jane stand behind Mr. O'Neill, who is in front of a podium, speaking to the audience.

O'NEILL:
… so please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to:
Darian Morgendorffer and Jane Lane.

Weak applause from the audience.

JANE: (mutters)
Oh, what the hell.

Darian looks how Jane walks to the podium.

JANE: (speaking to the audience)
I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem.

Quick she glances at Darian, and gives him a smile. A smile Darian should never forget.
She turns back to the audience

JANE:
On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad… like a big failure or something… I… uhh… I want to go home.

She fakes a nervous breakdown and sobs while running off stage.
The audience starts to laugh, while she is chased by a worried Mr. O'Neill.

O'NEILL:
Daria, wait!

Although Jane's previous smile to Darian was only for indicating an upcoming gag. Darian should never forget it for his entire life.
Meanwhile Darian isn't aware, that the whole school is staring at him, how he has a "Mona-Lisa" smile, which is good because it would be rather embarrassing, of showing so much passion on stage, when you are not in a play.
Darian walks like in trance to the podium, gets a hold of himself, clears his throat and starts a speech.

DARIAN:
No one can battle a terrible problem like low self-esteem on their own. It takes…

JOEY VOICE OVER:
Hold on a second!

The 3 J's dressed in their football gear, storm on stage and take the microphone from Darian away.

JAMIE:
GO LAWWWNDALE LIONS! GO!

The audience starts to cheer.

JEFFY:
We have got some important announcements to make on behalf of our the newest member of the Lawndale Lion:
QUENTIN MORGENDORFFER.

JAMIE:
Since he is not only new in the team, but also new in the town. It is important to know some facts about him.

JOEY: (holding up a file)
We found those facts in this copy of his permanent record.

CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – AUDIENCE
Quentin sits between Tiffany and Stacy. Behind them is Sandi.

QUENTIN:
Eep!

CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE

JAMIE:
First:
He is 14 years old.

CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – AUDIENCE

STACY: (gasps, close to hyperventilation)
You are 14! Not 15? That means I am older than you!

QUENTIN:
No, I meant: I am 14 a *half*.

CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE

JEFFY:
Second:
His second name is "LOU".

CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – AUDIENCE

TIFFANY: (disgusted)
Ewww what for a geeky name. It sounds so …faaaaaat.

SANDI:
Lou? Isn't that a girls name?

QUENTIN:
GAH!

CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE

JOEY:
And third:
He is the *little* brother of no one else, than the dude who is standing here.

The 3 J's grin while they point with their fingers at Darian.

DARIAN: (quiet)
Eep!

The audience reacts; laughter mixes with disbelieve.

CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – AUDIENCE

QUENTIN: (biting his teeth, he sinks in his chair)
GAH DAMMIT!

STACY: (shocked)
He and you?

TIFFANY: (disgusted)
Eww.

SANDI: (smirks)
That brain is your big brother.
Well you know what they say: The apple doesn't falls far away from the tree.

STACY AND TIFFANY: (both moving away from Quentin)
EWWWWW!

QUENTIN: (still biting his teeth, glaring at the 3 J's)
You guys are so dead! I kill you guys. I kill you!

CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE

JAMIE:
I hope knowing these facts would make it easier for you, to buddy up on him. Because now he is part of the Lawndale Lions Family!

THE 3 J'S:
GO LAWWWNDALE LIONS! GO!

The 3 J's snicker and leave the stages, while the audience starts groaning.

DARIAN: (mutters)
There goes my extortion source.

Knowing that the audience isn't paying attention now. Darian decides to put no further effort into his speech..

DARIAN:
To make it short:
Self-Esteem good. Inflation bad.
Thank you.

INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – KITCHEN – EVENING
Jake, Helen, Quentin and Darian are having again a lasagne-dinner.

QUENTIN: (outraged)
Suddenly those creeps Joey, Jeffy and… Jaffa came on stage and pointed out that Darian is my brother!

HELEN:
That is really sweet of your friends.

QUENTIN:
They are no more my friends. They are dead! I am dead! Gaaaaah! (he slams fists on table)
I have to move into another town or I have to lock myself in my room until I die!
I will end up like Darian.

Darian doesn't reacts. He is sticking his fork into lasagne still thinking of the smile Jane gave to him

HELEN:
QUENTIN! Jake! Speak with him!

She walks to the sink to get the salad.

JAKE:
What are you so upset about, exactly?

QUENTIN:
*Eww*. They made fun of me in front of my whole school.

JAKE:
My congratulations Quentin!

QUENTIN:
Congratulations?

JAKE:
Now you really are a part of your football team. Making fun of team colleagues is a wonderful high school experience. Fooling around with your team friends, playing pranks, receiving pranks.
I remember how I got tricked in high school by team sport members… it always made me believe that I belonged to them. (a little tear emerges from Jake's eye)

QUENTIN:
Hmm, you said playing pranks and receiving pranks? (an evil smirk unfolds on Quentin's face) Excuse me I have to make a phone call.

Quentin stands up and walks off screen to a telephone.

QUENTIN VOICE OVER:
Hello, Corey… do you have a Polaroid?…

JAKE:
Ah high school pranks from high school friends. Irreplaceable memories for life.

Somehow Jake felt like a Super-Dad. So he turns to Darian.

JAKE:
So kiddo. You made any friends yet?

DARIAN: (still digging in his food with a fork)
Huh… not yet.

JAKE: (he twinkles his eye)
Perhaps a *girlfriend*?

DARIAN: (embarrassed)
DAD!

JAKE: (grins)
*All* *right*.

Normally Darian would glare at his dad, but he was to embarrassed about that, what Jake was indicating.

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR
Darian sees how Jane takes some books out of her locker. He walks up to her and takes a deep breath.

DARIAN VOICE OVER:
Hey Jane.

DARIAN: (mute)
…

JANE: (noticing him, she turns towards him)
Hey Darian.

DARIAN VOICE OVER:
Can't speak... Must speak...

DARIAN:
…Hey.

DARIAN VOICE OVER:
Neat stunt you pulled off yesterday in the auditorium.

DARIAN: (nudges)
Neat… you… yesterday… auditorium.

JANE:
Well... your weren't bad either. Were you behind the scheme to uncover your brother as a poser, with the help of those 3 preppy boys?

DARIAN VOICE OVER:
Yes, I have used money… mind control… cheese…

Darian this is the voice of your confidence speaking:
Do you have realised that till now you appear to her as a total dunce? So say whatever you are thinking, SAY IT!

DARIAN:
…No.

JANE: (unimpressed by the conversation till now)
Aha.

DARIAN VOICE OVER: (sarcastic)
*Congratulations*!

DARIAN:
...Congratulations… for passing the self-esteem test.

JANE:
Well no sweat, I have already taken that course six times. And I got all the test-answers in my notebook and memorized.

DARIAN:
Huh, but when you could pass the test, why you kept on visiting the course?

JANE:
I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special. What about you?

DARIAN:
That was an error by the school psychologist. I don't have low self-esteem. I have low esteem for everyone else.

Darian nearly puts his hand in front of his mouth, regretting his last self-important statement, but Jane seems to like it.

JANE: (snickers)
Good one Darian.

DARIAN:
Yeah.

JANE:
Well one day… I don't know… I was watching "Sick Sad World" and suddenly I had this mental picture to spend my afternoons at UFO-conventions instead at self-esteem courses. So I decided to make the test. Weird huh?

DARIAN:
Yeah. I have decided to make the test because I found out that knowing self-esteem and having self-esteem are not the same…

JANE:
Your words in Gods ear…

DARIAN:
…

JANE: (gives him a tiny smile)
Well, I have to go now. Nice talking to you, bye.

DARIAN:
Bye.

She walks off and nearly bumps into Upchuck, who is carrying a huge box.

UPCHUCK:
Excuse me my *prrrrrrecious* Jane.

JANE:
Excuse *me* my soon-to-be-dead Upchuck.

Darian couldn't help to look how Jane exits the school. Upchuck approaches him.

UPCHUCK:
My 30$?

DARIAN:
My 30$!

UPCHUCK:
Look I need the 30$ for my stand at the Lawndale UFO-convention.

DARIAN:
Lawndale UFO-convention?

UPCHUCK:
Yes I try to get rid of my "Independence Day" Trading Card Collection, mint condition.

DARIAN:
The Trading Card Collection of "Independence Day"? "ID4"? I never heard of that.

UPCHUCK:
And neither does the public, they are almost worthless. But ones trash is the others holy grail.

DARIAN: (looks at the door Jane walked out)
A UFO-convention you say. Do you need perhaps an associate?

UPCHUCK:
You as my associate? I could use someone with your intellect at my stand. But it doesn't make any difference about our deal. You still own me 30$.

DARIAN:
And that 30$ should pay your expenses.

UPCHUCK:
My expenses?

DARIAN:
Uh huh. I charge 30$ an afternoon.

UPCHUCK:
Darian, I think this is the beginning of a lucrrrrrrative cooperation.

DARIAN:
That is what I love about America.

The two walk to the exit.

FADE OUT.

THE END

MUSIC: "SELF-ESTEEM" BY "THE OFFSPRING"
CLOSING CREDITS.

END NOTES:
There will be 12 Episodes, which will range from Season 1 to Season 5 of the original Daria series. All the other episodes are skipped, since I have got no intention to rewrite 65 episodes and 2 TV-movies.
If you have any questions, corrections and/or comments, then please E-Mail me under: ace_trax
When you want to see the fanart then go to: ace_trax/AlternateHistory

DISCLAIMER:
The copyright owner of the TV-Series "Daria" is MTV.
I have no connection with the copyright owners and I don't have the legal rights to use their material. This fanfiction story was done without
authorization, permission or approval by their respective copyright owners.

AUTHOR'S COPYRIGHT:
Please note that this fanfiction is a derivative work, so it is protected by copyright law as long as the words and syntax are novel. That means:
Me, as the author of this work do not own the pre-existing copyrighted stuff, but I do own the whole rest. Those are all the novel words and
syntax, which make the story.
This story is not for profit, it is a work of pure fandom, without any financial interests.
Any financial or other uses of this document without the specific permission of the authors (me and the other copyright owners) are forbidden.
Text Copyright © 2004, Ace Trax. All rights reserved.

THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:
Thanks to the creative minds of MTV, who gave the world the best TV-series of all time: "The Osbournes".