DISCLAIMER: All Joss Whedon's
TIMELINE: S6 S3
DISTRIBUTION: Alli, finally got it out, happy now?
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Some Angst, but happy ending
FEEDBACK: Please, it would encourage to on keep posting
RATING: Some cursing, nothing that bad
It was the weirdest thing really. I tell Willow I am going to sleep for an
hour, and the next thing I know I am sleeping for hours dreaming of?
Well I guess that's not really a question because it's very obvious.
I mean he is only dark, tall, gorgeous and strong, but obviously not in
love with me. His eyes are striking, beautiful, drowning eyes staring at.
Willow told me she dyed her hair blonde. Can you believe it? Blonde.
Like me. Blonde. Blonde is supposed to be me. Buffy blonde, blonde Buffy.
Not Cordelia. This is getting to me. I mean I only just died, and stupid
vampire with a soul who is supposed to help the helpless and doesn't even
notice I am pain. I am suffering. Love you, my ass. I am helpless. He
doesn't even notice. I am the most helpless person in the world and you now
what, no one knows but Angel always knew. I'm not even in his heart. He
talks about his redemption, his destiny. He once told me I was his destiny.
Once said I was his whole world and out. Not anymore. I don't even share
the heart. I am not even in it.
I had a dream about him. We were getting married and It felt so real, like
he was actually there with me, like he actually loved me. So here I am
dazed, going totally mental and there sits the phone. Next thing you know I
am calling him.
"Angel Investigations, we help the helpless," Says Cordelia's voice.
Copier, I think. She stole the only thing I had. Only thing I could lean
on. Cry on. Even Dawn couldn't match up to dark and dramatic.
"Hello," I hear the 'blonde'.
I look into the phone like it is the most dangerous thing in the whole
entire world. almost more than falling in love.
"Hi. Can I please talk to Angel?" I say, hoping beyond hope she doesn't
recognize me. I hear her gasp and I knew I had no such luck. Me and luck,
funny. Very, very, funny. I am hysterically laughing now.
"Uh, yeah. Hold on," said the girl I hate so very much.
"Angel," I hear his smooth, sexy voice on the receiver and I gasp. Now I
am talking to him and I have n idea what to say.
"A-Angel," I whisper. Great play the stupid damsel in distress, I say to
"Buffy," He says, surprise written all over his voice.
Yes, be surprised, and I hope it hurts. Yes. That's what I want to give
"Angel. Do you love me?" I say. Yes do you?
"Buffy what's going on?" He says. I hear panic I his voice. Yes. Panic,
Panic is good.
"Do you? Our was I just another slut?!" I mock.
But I drop the phone. Oh Gods. I look at my room and can't be here, too
much Angel. I just can't be here. I run.
"BUFFY," I hear him yell through the phone, but I ignore him. He doesn't
care, he never did. I was always an excuse but never big enough.
Tried, tried so hard to make him love me. Tried to make him stay, tried to
so hard. Even let him feed off of me, but nothing worked.
"BUFFY," the mysterious vampire, I am so madly in love with, called.
But I hear something and it makes me stop in my tracks, or my frantic
running around. It is pain. Pain, steering, wheeling pain and I smile.
Gleefully, happily, finally! His pain gave me a happy.
Suddenly his pain didn't seem so bad. Everybody's pain seemed good.
Hate. That seemed like the only thing in the world.
I ran, never so much in my life. Down the stairs, into the kitchen,
bathroom. I locked the door and turned on the sick and splashed myself in
the face with water. I look into the mirror. Ugliness and impureness,
that's what I see, someone who fucked up enough to have sex with Spike. I
look at myself with disgust. I open my bathroom cabinet and take the pills.
Opening the cap and drinking them torturously down my throat. You deserve
to die. No one will miss you. You're not worth it. Not worth it at all. I
swallow one bottle after another. Finally the bathroom is full of water and
bottles after bottles of pills. I drop to the floor. Slowly, I think,
slowly. That's good. But my head is spinning and I can't think. Everything
is so dizzy. I close my eyes and everything goes pitch black.