Author: Candyland PM
...or, Umi Teaches Sex Ed Where do babies come from? The most uncomfortable question in the world. So what happens when it turns out one of the Cephiro gang never got...The Talk? No lemon, I don't like sour stuff.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Umi R. & Ascot - Words: 2,417 - Reviews: 30 - Favs: 17 - Published: 02-01-04 - Status: Complete - id: 1713629
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
AN: This came to me in a stroke of I don't know what, but I'm glad it did. Whee! This is a fairly short read, and I think it's kind of funny. But I'm weird…I dunno…
There's a song called "Man to Man Talk" from a musical called Once Upon a Mattress. Well, the basic gist of the song is that a guy who can't talk (the king) is giving his son The Talk, but the son (the aptly named Prince Dauntless) isn't quite picking up the concept. That's kind of what sparked this story, I guess.
Set after the manga. Very mild spoilers for the very end of the manga. Rating for mild sexual references. I don't own Magic Knight Rayearth—but if CLAMP ever decides to sell Ascot, I'll be first in line!
Sunlight streamed in through the window of the large room, sparkling on the polished floor.
The glow fell across the table where three of Cephiro's palace residents were enjoying the morning. Everyone else had left to engage in chores or other activities, leaving Ascot, Caldina, and Guru Clef alone at the table. The three were quite happy to just relax and talk. There wasn't much to worry about, with the Pillar crisis over and everything.
"It's a nice day," Ascot pointed out. "I mean, it's always a nice day, but today seems…I don't know, nicer?" He paused. "That doesn't make any sense. Gomen ne."
"It does seem more pleasant," Clef agreed.
"It's 'cause the girls're visitin' again!" Caldina squealed happily in her ever present drawl. "I swear, those three jus' brighten this place, ya know?"
Two nods met her statement.
"They do have something about them, don't they?" Clef commented.
They heard voices approaching, and turned as the door opened.
"Speak of the devils," Clef murmured with a slight chuckle.
Ascot just took one look at Umi and went straight to the verge of spontaneous combustion.
The three Legendary Magic Knights of Cephiro strolled in, chatting amiably amongst themselves. Well, perhaps it wasn't right to call them the Magic Knights anymore. The mashin were gone, along with Mokona. So basically, the trio was just your average three girls from another world. Nothing major.
Fuu seemed to be in the middle of telling a story, and the conversation around the table died to listen to the second half of her tale—which, judging by the way she was telling it, was quite interesting.
"…and then his mother turns to me and asks me to explain it to him!" she said with a sigh. "I mean, I love my little cousin to death and everything. He's a sweet kid. But I don't think it's my job to be explaining that to him. That's a parent's job."
"Did you tell him, though?" Umi asked, grinning.
"Yes, I gave him The Talk," Fuu replied with a sigh. She put a slight emphasis on the last two words to mark their importance. "And then I went and told my parents about it. They thought it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard."
Hikaru giggled. "You gave a five year old The Talk?"
"Regretfully," Fuu said mournfully, then turned to acknowledge the others in the room. "Konnichiwa, everyone! Did we interrupt something?"
"Not at all," Clef shook his head, making the jewels on his headpiece fly a little.
"Whatcha talkin' about?" Caldina bubbled, ever cheerful.
Umi laughed and tossed her hair absently with one hand; Ascot went even a little redder. "Fuu was just telling us how she was visiting her aunt and uncle and her cousins, and she ended up having to give her five year old cousin The Talk, and—"
Clef cut in at that moment. "The Talk?"
All conversation in the room came to a screeching halt, and a very heavy silence descended on the room with an audible thunk.
"The Talk," Umi repeated, as Fuu and Hikaru suddenly looked a little uncomfortable.
"What's The Talk?" the Master Mage persisted.
Umi's eyes darted back and forth nervously. "You don't know what The Talk is."
"The Birds and the Bees?" Hikaru suggested.
He shook his head, as did Caldina behind him. Ascot just sat there, blushing and looking blank.
"The Facts of Life?" Fuu chimed.
Umi sighed; apparently, she had already had enough. "The Talk. The Sex Talk." She ignored the fact that comprehension had dawned on Clef's face, and that he had gone a shade paler. "You know, the thing you say when little kids ask where babies come from. When a man and woman fall in love, and they want to have a baby, they do this? That talk." She paused, then, a little nervously, added, "You do know where babies come from, right?"
The Master Mage looked a little irritated at that question. "Yes, Umi. I do."
Caldina giggled. "Well, it's not that big a mystery!"
"On Earth, that little speech is commonly known as The Talk," Fuu explained. "Or the birds and the bees speech. Or the facts of life. All children ask about it, all parents dread explaining it."
"But Fuu's already had practice!" Hikaru started laughing, and the others smiled and laughed.
Well, all the others except one.
Umi noticed it first. "Ascot, you look a little blank."
He started. "Well…ano…" He seemed to shrink into himself a little as everyone looked at him. He had never been very comfortable as the complete center of attention.
Umi stared at him for a long moment before it clicked in her head, like a light bulb turning on. "You never had this discussion, did you?" He shook his head. "You don't know where babies come from, do you?" Another negative response. "Do you know what sex is?"
He shook his head again, not taking his gaze from the tabletop. At least, that's where she guessed he was looking. His bangs were happily obscuring his eyes.
The atmosphere in the room suddenly became not only dead quiet, but also extremely uncomfortable. Fuu coughed delicately.
Umi looked around at each of the others in the room, but no one seemed very forthcoming. Finally, she threw her hands up in the air and sighed. "Fine. I'll do it!"
Everyone shifted their stares away from Ascot to look at her. The way they were gawking at her, one would have thought she had just grown horns and a tail. "U-Umi…" Caldina actually stammered, momentarily losing that energetic confidence of hers. "Are you sure? I can do it, if—"
"Relax. It's okay," the Water Knight nodded confidently. "He's in good hands."
She strolled over to Ascot's chair and looped her arm through his, using that as leverage to hoist him to his feet. "Okay, Ascot, you and I are going to have a little chat." Keeping her elbow linked with his, she half-led, half-dragged him towards the door. "Why don't you go out in the hallway? We'll talk out there. I'll be out in just a second."
He obeyed without a word, glowing a shade of crimson that would have made Rayearth himself jealous. Umi had touched his arm. Actual physical contact. It was a miracle his nose wasn't bleeding waterfalls. And it was moments like those that made him feel pretty darn pathetic.
Once he had stepped out, Umi darted over and leaned across the table to whisper to Caldina. "You might want to ask Lafarga or Lantis to come down here. I have a feeling we might have to pick Ascot up off the floor once this is over."
She finished that statement with a conspiratorial wink, earning a laugh and a nod from the Chizetan dancer. That done, Umi turned and strolled casually out into the hall where Ascot was waiting; she pulled the heavy door closed behind her before looking up at the tall young Palu.
"So what is it you want to tell me?" he said, inordinately proud that he managed to put an entire coherent sentence together and then say it without stuttering like a moron. "What's this Talk?"
Umi smile was calm, even though her insides had suddenly done a backflip. Okay, I can do this… She put on her best smile and started talking in her best 'explaining things to a confused child' voice. "Well, Ascot, let's start this off with the classic parental line. When a man and a woman fall in love, and they want to have a baby, they have sex."
He nodded, still looking blank. But he was hanging on her every word, so she figured it was safe to go ahead, full force. "Well, you know how there are men and women, right?" He nodded again. "Well, men and women have different parts."
"Uh-huh," he nodded.
Might as well make this as simple as possible, she decided firmly. A basic explanation is probably the best way to do this. And so she took the plunge—pardon the pun. Umi took a deep breath, and told him exactly where babies come from.
Back inside the room, the others were waiting with a certain amount of patience for Umi and Ascot to return. In some cases, actually, it would have been better called impatience, as some were waiting more patiently than others, though it had only been a couple of minutes.
"What's takin' so darn long?" Caldina finally lost it, throwing her hands up in the air. "Is she givin' him a demonstration or somethin'?"
Clef actually went a little green at that idea, but Hikaru and Fuu both giggled. "I sincerely doubt it," Fuu laughed. "She's probably just trying to make sure he understands everything."
The Guru looked like he was going to say something, but he was interrupted by a loud thump from the hallway outside. Everyone looked at each other quizically before turning their gazes to the door, waiting expectantly for someone to come in and explain.
They were not disappointed. The door opened, and Umi strolled back in, smiling pleasantly. "Well, it has been done. Ascot has been given a crash course through Sex Ed 101."
"You told him?" Hikaru gaped, asking in spite of what Umi had just said.
"Sure did," Umi nodded. "And he reacted exactly how I thought he would." At their questioning looks, she elaborated. "Fainted. Out cold on the carpet. Face still bright red."
The door on the far side of the room chose that moment to open noiselessly, and Lafarga stepped in. "What's going on?"
"Not much," Umi breezed as the Master Swordsman walked over to the table where everyone else was sitting. "I just explained the Facts of Life to Ascot."
Lafarga blinked. "The Facts of Life?"
Umi rolled her eyes. "The sex talk." He looked at her blankly, and suddenly, her expression changed from relaxed amusement to one that was little nervous. "Lafarga, please tell me you know where babies come from."
He laughed. "Of course I do!"
She heaved an enormous sigh of relief. "Thank you, God…but, actually, Ascot kind of passed out when I finished. Could you get him back to his room?"
With a nod, Lafarga complied.
"So what exactly did you say?" Clef asked.
"I just told him how it was done," Umi shrugged. "But I'm not sure how much he'll remember. I think he kind of froze when I got into the anatomy part of it…"
A little while later, Caldina decided to go check up on her adoptive little brother.
Humming a little to herself, she strolled down the winding halls of the palace towards the door that led to Ascot's room. She tapped on the door, but got no answer, and so let herself in.
He was either still unconscious, which she sincerely doubted, or had managed to fall asleep. She strongly suspected the latter was the case.
"Well, it should be interestin' to see what you've got to say when you wake up," she laughed, patting his bangs affectionately, though she was careful not to wake him up.
To her surprise, he rolled over onto his side, so his back was to her, and hugged his pillow to his chest. He started mumbling something under his breath, only half of which was actually coherent, and none of which was loud enough for her to hear without straining.
"Hmmm…" Caldina muttered. "Or maybe you've got somethin' to say now…"
The Chizetan dancer tiptoed to the other side of the bed and leaned down to try and hear exactly what he was saying. He seemed to be voicing his dream, and judging from his smile, he was having an exceptionally nice dream.
As she listened, her smile grew wider and wider. One of the few entirely understandable words to make it out of his mouth was a name. The name of a certain Magic Knight…
And he was smiling from ear to ear as he dreamed…
Caldina finally straightened up, one hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. "Oh my…" she managed to whisper. Carefully, she eased out of the room, pulled the door closed behind her, ran down the hall to her own room, and then let out a shriek of laughter.
And Ascot continued to dream a very, very pleasant dream…
AN: Wow, that ended up really, really weird, even by my standards. Truthfully, I've never given The Talk. I got an abbreviated Talk, and then my parents gave me a book to explain everything else. *sweatdrops*
I was originally going to just have it end with Lafarga leaving to take Ascot to his room, but the idea for that ending hit, and I just couldn't resist. Heehee, Ascot…naughty boy…what do YOU think he's dreaming about? *impure thoughts*
Thanks for reading, any and all feedback will be mucho appreciated. This is only my second Rayearth fic, so please tell me what you think. Should I try to write more for this anime? Should I stick with other animes? Should I turn in my word processor and become a janitor? Should I shoot myself in the head and be done with it? Tell me!!! Ja ne!!!