Part I: Leaning Together

Chapter III: A Zeppo by Any Other Name

One small step for man, one giant leap for -

Xander stopped in mid-thought, frowning as he flexed his hand around the car keys. He couldn't exactly finish the thought as it stood because what he was doing and where he was going wasn't precisely a giant leap for mankind. Or, in deference to the Buffster and all the Slayers around the world, womankind either.

Actually, when Xander stopped to think about it, it was really more like a step backwards. Seven years long years living on a hell mouth, fighting demons, going for donuts, dating demons and making bad jokes and one would think that he would finally be tired of it all. And quite frankly there was no reason why he shouldn't be; no sane person could not get tired of it. Vampires and demons, apocalypses - or was that apocalypi? - and prophecies, it wore down even the most stalwart of heroes, hence the reason that Buffy was officially on vacation.

Then there was Xander. He really could have gone to Europe with them; there was an open invitation. Buffy and Willow were surprised that he didn't want to go, and Xander found it oddly funny that Giles wasn't the least bit surprised at all.

"You're going to come with us, right, Xan?" Willow stopped him in the hallway one morning after the rapid fire booking of plane fares, hotel reservations and passport applications began.

Willow, sleep tussled, stood barefoot in the doorway of the bedroom she shared with Kennedy, her eyes alight with the excitement of going back to Europe for something more than her re-education by a coven of witches. "Because you do need a passport."

"I'll get one," Xander told her, wondering why he bothered to lie to her when he knew he had no plans of getting a passport at all. He wasn't going off to see the world, not yet. It wasn't time for the Zeppo to retire. As a matter of fact, the Zeppo was just getting started.

"You should do it soon, if you want to get your application approved in time to leave with us," Willow reminded him gently. Xander decided that maybe his best friend from childhood wasn't sleep tussled after all, but rumpled in other ways as Kennedy slipped up behind her, and kissed her on the cheek.

Xander gave the lovers a smile and they smiled back, probably assuming that he was making note of Willow's timely reminder, but really it was only because his mind flashed on one of those rare naughty moments thoughts that he permitted himself to entertain when he was certain that Willow wouldn't have any idea that he was doing such. For some reason, she didn't seem very amused that he allowed himself to indulge in fantasies regarding her sex life no matter how much he patiently pointed out to her that it was his right as a red-blooded heterosexual male and her fault for being a hot lesbian.

At least the last part usually got one of those patented Willow-esque eye rolls and bemused smiles because she was oh so "gay now" and they were way past the days when that would have made either of them uncomfortable.

"I will," Xander repeated and waited for the guilt from the lie to jump up and bite him on the ass, but it did no such thing so he assumed that he was off the hook. Quite possibly the universe afforded him some karmic points for losing an eye to a homicidal priest and deciding that there would be no happy Harris romping with French and Italian beauties in Europe.

"I really think we need to start considering code names. Code names will be important to our operation." Xander looked down at the car keys in his hand, the approach of voices rising and falling in disagreement bringing him back to the present. Back to the desert, back to the driveway, if that's what one wanted to call it, in front of the Watcher Ranch, back to the future.

Which really was a good movie all by itself and he still wondered to this day why anyone felt the need to make one mediocre sequel and one so bad that the film it was printed on should have been burnt.

"Andrew, for the last time. We. Are. Not. Having. Code. Names. And this isn't an operation!"

The sunlight glinted off the car keys, the car courtesy of Giles and the new and improved Council of Watchers that Giles was the mastermind behind, and would be spearheading the organization of in London. The Zeppo was not quite so much zeppo anymore, Xander thought to himself as his eye traced the Lexus emblem on the key ring because Zeppos did not drive cars this nice.

"But - but - we have walkie-talkies! We need code names for -"

"I am not riding in the backseat with him." The sunlight reflected from the car keys bounced onto Cenzi's red hair, the Slayer making her declaration as she swung her bag into the hatch of the Lexus SUV. "And tell him that we don't need code names!"

"We don't need code names," Xander said automatically. He leaned forward and adjusted Cenzi's bag so that there would be room for Chao Ahn's, and of course Andrew's comic book collection. Xander still wondered how Andrew managed to amass so many comic books in such short a time span. He didn't wonder why Giles allowed Andrew to do so, however.

"He gets comic books?" Dawn sulked. "All I want is a DVD player. One DVD player."

"And then you'll want one DVD. We're trying to use the funds for necessities, Dawn," Giles didn't even bother to look up from the notes he was reading.

"And how are comic books necessary?" Dawn demanded, reminding them all that for all of her experiences and everything she had gone through she truly was all of sixteen years old.

"They keep him out of my hair."

Explanation enough; it hadn't been one that Dawn could find an argument for. Besides which, Giles soon discovered that a DVD player and a selection of twenty odd DVD's from the local Megastore kept Dawn out of his hair.

Of course, a Lexus SUV didn't really count as a necessity either.

"I do not want a code name too," Chao Ahn declared. Her bag, small and simple, barely more than a duffle bag, fit in nicely between the two of Cenzi's. Xander had to admit that the Asian Slayer traveled light for a girl. Not that it mattered much when Cenzi and Andrew made up for Chao Ahn's moderation tenfold.

Cenzi pushed blazing embers of red away from her face, the pixie face with a smattering of freckles some how looking severe as her ice blue eyes rested on Andrew. The tone of her voice was all Slayer and left no doubt in anyone's mind that there was no room for argument. "It's unanimous. No code names."

Andrew sulked. This was something that Xander noted that Andrew did far better than any girl he had ever known. Andrew could even beat Dawn hands down in a sulk contest. He kicked at the dirt, comic books clutched to his chest, his voice a low murmur that probably only Xander heard. "It was just a suggestion."

"Is that all of it?" Xander ignored Andrew and directed the question to Cenzi. He could have easily asked the same of Chao Ahn. Since The Decision had been made, and that was with a capital T and Capital D, she had given up the ruse of pretending she spoke and understood less English than she actually did. But Cenzi had declared herself Slayer-In-Charge and as long as Andrew and Chao Ahn didn't challenge her on it, Xander didn't plan to either. "I want to get on the road and make the most of all the daylight time we have."

Yes, he was traveling with two Slayers, but that didn't mean that Xander wanted to tempt fate.

Even if tempting fate was exactly what he had done at least once a week for the past seven years with occassional summers and Christmas holidays off for good behavior. He wondered why that was, why the demonic activity slowed down during the summers and around holidays. It seemed too good to be true and nothing in all of Giles's books really offered any explanation. Anya once pointed out that demons had holidays and traditions of their own and it was foolish of humans to assume that they're frivolous celebrations were the only ones. Anya often had insights like that when one least expected them.

He wasn't supposed to be thinking about Anya. Because when he thought about Anya, thousands of feelings welled up inside of him. There was the guilt, the anger, the emptiness and the remorse, the longing and the needing and the forever thoughts of what could have been. The haunting thoughts of what should have been and now never would be.

Xander told himself almost daily that he would not think of Anya because that way lay sadness and despair and he just wasn't ready to deal with that yet. Maybe if he avoided thinking about her, she wouldn't really be dead and he would just wake up one day to find out that it had all been a bad dream. He would just wake up one morning with her in bed beside him, and she would be babbling about the wedding and hey, as long as he was dreaming, he would have two working eyes as well.

It took him a week to cry. A week to cry because at first he hadn't felt anything but numb. It was too soon and too much to process at that time. Besides, there was the wounded to deal with, even with Slayer healing those girls needed rest and to have their wounds attended to. On top of that there was the chaos of the moment - the exhiliration of success mingled with the agony of loss and grief.

"It's all right to miss her." Willow came to his room that first night that they settled into the Watcher Ranch. She just pushed open the door after giving a soft knock, and climbed onto the foot of his bed, folding her legs just like she used to do when they were kids. Only they weren't kids and this wasn't his Superfriends decorated room, which happened to be the only decorations he ever got in his room because shortly after the happy days of

painting and wall decals the drinking and the shouting started.

Willow didn't ask him what was wrong. She was Willow and he was Xander and she really didn't have to. Then again, no one had to. Everyone knew what was wrong. And after the way he bit off Andrew's head for trying to apologize for suriviving when Anya had died, everyone knew better than to say anything to Xander about what was wrong. Willow had watched him with those sad green eyes, practically begging him to talk to her, but keeping her distance.

Xander wasn't surprised that she finally cornered him in her own Willow way. It didn't stop him from staring up at the ceiling in the dark. It didn't even cause him to sit up and look at her. The ceiling actually had a pattern on it. Either that, or blood. This was a Watcher safehouse, or whatever, after all.

"I haven't really had time to get used to the whole Sunnydale-Go-Boom thing to miss anyone yet, Wills."

"She stood by us until the end. She fought beside us. She didn't have to. That meant something."

"Willow. Don't."

"You didn't say anything at the memorial." That would be the impromptu memorial service they had for the lost and fallen upon leaving the last motel. After much discussion and decisions regarding the need for closure, the rag tag group found a church and held their own special service.

Xander stood in the shadows and watched the candles burn.

"There was nothing to say."

"When I lost Tara, it killed me inside," Willow spoke softly and even though he could not see her face, in his mind's eye, Xander could see her face and he knew that she would look drawn and sad, her eyes vacant as they turned inward. She may have moved forward with Kennedy, but it was no secret among the Scoobies that the spectre of Tara would always be there. "You know how I handled it, what I did, you were there Xander. I thought that I could never go on, so it didn't matter anymore how dark the magick was or how much I used or how I used it. When it was all said and done, I wouldn't have Tara so nothing else in the world mattered.

"I never thought that it was possible to love someone that much, so much so that your entire being is ripped apart from the inside out when you lose them. And if someone had told me that it was possible to come back from that, to move on, I don't think that I would have believed them.

"But it happened, Xander. It happened to me."

Xander sat up and glared at her, although he was reasonably sure that it wasn't much of a glare in the dark. "I don't want to get over Anya. I don't want to move on!"

Willow shook her head, he could see the shadow of her hair sway from side to side. When she gripped his hands, her grasp was strong, tight and firm. "I'm not telling you to move on and get over her, Xander. I'm just asking you to admit that she's gone and start grieving."

What Xander wanted to do was yell at her. He wanted to rail about the unfairness of the world and the unjustice of a world that would take someone like Anya, who gave up being a demon willingly and stood by them, who even helped and stood by them when she was a demon. He wanted to scream at Willow of how much she thought she understood but really didn't understand at all.

He did none of those things, however. Instead, he just sat there, holding onto Willow's hands, feeling the first of tears swell in his eye and then roll hot and sticky down his cheek. "I don't want her to be gone."

"I know you don't, sweetie."

He cried that night while Willow held him.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Xander? There's still time to change your mind." Willow peeked around the corner of the SUV, shielding her eyes from the sunlight by hodling her hand to her brow.

"Yeah, you could meet us in a few weeks, in Paris or something," Dawn chirped up, appearing at Willow's shoulder. "We would wait for you. It'd be cool. You could meet us under the Eiffel Tower."

"As thrilling as that sounds, my decision is made. My path is set." Xander stretched his arm outward, sweeping towards the desert for emphasis. "Besides, I'd just end up attracting French demon chicks or something."

Dawn giggled, and Willow gave him a smile that said that while the joke wasn't lost on her, it didn't exactly go over as planned. Especially when he didn't call up any pictures of demon chicks when saying it; instead it was that shade of Anya, the one telling him that he was being "ridiculously foolish" and that there was no reason he shouldn't be "living it up all frivolous like Buffy" and "even Willow gets to have fun and she was all evil."

From the way Willow looked at him and the glance she exchanged with Buffy, he got the feeling that they knew all about the shade that Xander had conjured up even if it was all in his head.

"You have Giles's contact information right?" Buffy asked, all Slayery and businesslike. "And if you need anything at all -"

Xander jiggled the cellphone on his belt. "Giles is on speed dial. As are you, and Wills. And even Robin." Faith, naturally had refused to carry a cellphone. It was amazing that she actually agreed to the pager. Of course the fact that Andrew suggested surgically attaching the pager to her physical body and that it looked for a moment like Giles and Robin were both considering it, probably had a great deal to do with her acquiesance.

"I still can't believe that you're going to be like a Watcher," Willow smiled.

"I still can't believe that all of you would rather go to Cleveland than Europe," Dawn said.

Xander put on his best goofy grin. "It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it."

"But why does that someone have to be you, Giles?" Buffy demanded at dinner two nights ago. "I think that if anyone else around here deserves a vacation, it's you. The Cleveland hellmouth has taken care of itself for this long, what's another few months?"

"Another few months are quite a lot, Buffy. The Watcher guarding that hellmouth and her charge," Giles stopped, his eyes momentarily flickering to Kennedy, Cenzi, and Chao Ahn in silent explication of what had become of the Cleveland Hellmouth Watcher and Slayer In Training. "It's been a few months too long already. We all know what happened when you - when the demons found out that the only Slayer on the Sunnydale Hellmouth was actually a robot.

"As much as I would love to take a vacation, I simply can not do it at this time. The hellmouth needs someone to protect it. We won the battle, Buffy. Not the war."

"Like Helm's Deep," Andrew nodded sagely, his voice taking on that peculiar awe-struck tone that it did when he was about to plunge into one of his many comparisons of their fight against evil and Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings, or whatever his particular fancy was that day.

Personally Xander preferred the Lord of the Rings comparisons. Lord of the Rings always sounded and felt so much nobler than Star Wars. And besides, in Xander's estimation, the whiney little brat that was Anakin Skywalker got what he deserved and then some.

"And there is absolutely no way that I will be going to Cleveland alone," Cenzi talked over Andrew, pointedly rolling her eyes at his reference to Tolkien, a faint hint of an accent of some sort slipping into her voice. "Slayers need Watchers. Chao Ahn and I still have a lot to learn and a lot of training to do."

"It's not that I don't want to travel Europe," Giles said softly, "It's simply that I can't."

Xander took his cue. He had lots of time to think about things, and he thought it through. He wasn't ready for Europe. He didn't need a vacation; if only for the sake of Anya and her memory, he needed to keep on fighting for just a little while longer anyway.

"Why not?" Xander took a sip from his glass and put it down, feeling every set of eyes in the dining room focused on him.

"Have you been listening at all, Xander?"

"Yes, I have. And I think that you should go to Europe, or at least back to England for a little while, Giles." He took a deep breath and raised his head, meeting Giles' intent and concerned look. "I'll go to Cleveland. That place needs someone to oversee the contract work anyway, right?"

Buffy blinked at him. "Xander are you concussed?"

"No, Buff, I'm not." Xander managed to smile at her words. "I've been thinking about this, and I know that it's what I want to do. It's what I should do. So, I'm going to do it. And I know what you're going to say, Buff but don't bother because you can't talk me out of this.

"I know that I'm not book trained and with all the research like Giles, and I'm definitely not all with the Wicca like Willow, and yeah, the whole Cyclops thing is kind of a hassle, but it's not like I don't know what I'm getting into. I've been there with you for years, Buffy, since day one. And yeah, I took some knocks to the head, almost got myself skewered a time or a hundred, but I know what I'm doing. I can handle this. It's my call and this is what I want to do with my life."

Pausing, Xander looked at Cenzi and Chao Ahn because ultimately it was more their decision than it was his. "I'm not Giles and I'm not trained, but I think that I know a thing or two about vampires and evil. I'm ready to go to Cleveland, if you'll have me."

"Learning curve," Cenzi shrugged. "Whatever."

Chao Ahn simply smiled.

They weren't exactly endorsements, but it was good enough for Xander. More importantly, it was good enough for Giles.

"Yeah, well try not to forget that you're only human," Buffy reminded him with a warm hug.

Dawn's laughter rang out as she threw herself at Xander and her sister. "Group hug!"

When the hugs and best wishes were done, and Andrew and Cenzi began arguing over which CD's would go into the CD player for the first leg of the drive, Giles clapped him warmly on the shoulder. "Thank you for taking him along with you Xander."

"Tell me again why I'm doing it?"

"Because Andrew is redeemable. And he has a lot to learn, and I think that you'll do just fine as a teacher." The smile on Giles' face was warm and paternal and sparked a feeling inside of Xander that his own father never had - the feeling of pride. "Take care of them, Xander. They're your charges now."

"No pressure, eh, G-man?"

"Don't call me that." The voice was firm and tight, but the eyes and the smile were amused and kind.

Xander grinned and turned away before the moment got too much to bear and he did something incredibly embarrassing - like actually hugging Giles for believing in him. He'd thank Giles for that belief someday; someday he'd thank Giles for being a better father to him than his father had been. But that day wasn't today, because he wasn't quite so strong enough and so brave enough that he could bear breaking down and acting like a girly man just yet.

"Come on, let's move out. Daylight's a-wasting," Xander called as he headed towards the SUV. "And I get to pick the CD's."

He gave a last glance back at the ones left behind - his friends, his family - before climbing behind the wheel. And then with a final wave, and Andrew and Cenzi separated by the front and back seat, he pulled away from the ranch.

Xander didn't look back. He didn't have to. He knew where he was going, but he also knew that behind him were the people that made up home. And he would always be able to find his way back.

End of Chapter Three

End of Part I: Leaning Together