Now, I'm just going to assume that if you've come to the second chapter of this story, you know that the first chapter was a completely ridiculous parody. That being said, laugh with me at some of the reviews I got: HAHAHA! Here's an example for you (and it also provides a nice "what happened last time" to catch you up):

"this is not as good as your other fics...
You've got to be joking me! In one of the shortest chapters I've ever read, four people die. Ron killed her? Okay, I understand he'd be mad but he'd never kill her. Much less would Harry kill Ron. Can you say alternate universe? And Draco is all of the sudden in love with Hermione as he cries after only one day of being nicer than usual. There is no such thing as a twelve pack. The most is eight, sorry to say. Nothing ever happens that fast. The entire story is unbelievable and so horribly written. You can do so much better with so called 'inspiration.'"

Well, inspiration's hit again. Let's see if I can do better this time.

Anyway, on to the next chapter, and this chapter, let me tell you, is not a parody of typical Draco/Hermione fics, but of post-war, dark wizard-full, sex slave fics. It is EXTREMELY crude and nonsensical and not at all for kids, just to peak your interest.

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Two weeks later, when the bodies of the four teenagers were buried and only slightly decomposed, Snape came up with a potion to counteract the two effects of the Avada Kedavra curse; namely, death and the (widely unknown) slight engorgement of genitals.

He did this because he was obsessed with Harry.

So Snape went out into the Hogwarts graveyard one night and dug up the bodies. He brought them back to his dungeon chambers and soaked them naked in his enormous vat of life-reinstating and genital-shrinking potion. He got naked too and danced wildly around the cauldron, performing an ancient ritual that was supposed to bring life back from the dead.

And then, from the depths of the greenish-tinted liquid, rose Snape's object of obsession and the three others.

"…what's going on?" Hermione, always the inquisitive one, asked first, looking around at the dark slimy walls and the dark slimy cauldron in which herself, her two friends, and her lover were standing.

"I have summoned you from the afterlife to do my bidding!" Snape screeched, cackling evilly. "Now put on these loincloths," he said, throwing four skimpy loincloths into the cauldron.

The four teenagers stared at the loincloths in horror. Then, they looked up at each other, realizing they were all naked. Draco stepped quickly in front of Hermione. "Hey, stop looking at my woman!" he said, shielding her easily. Much to Draco's chagrin, Harry and Ron hadn't been looking at his woman. They had been staring at him.

"…it's so…" Harry started, wide-eyed behind his glasses.

"Small," Ron finished firmly.

"He's right!" Snape said, still completely naked. "I have no use for you, boy. Mobilicorpus!" he said, using his wand to lift Draco out of the cauldron.

Snape grabbed Draco by the back of his neck, opened to door to the dungeon hallway, and threw him out into the cold, stark naked. "Now," Snape said, closing the door quietly and turning around, "I suggest you put on your loincloths before you freeze to death."

"P-P-Professor…" Hermione started, looking around in confusion as she pulled up her loincloth. "Are we in the dungeons?"

"That's right! I am now the ruler of Hogwarts! The Dark Lord has defeated the wizarding world and he repaid me for my services by giving me the old school." Suddenly, a whip appeared in his hand. "You, Miss Granger, will refer to me as Master! And your name will no longer be Hermione Jane Granger, but…" Snape appeared to mull it over for a moment, running a pale hand through his greasy hair… "Toothy!"

Hermione, always the sensitive one, broke down into tears. She couldn't handle it. Not only was he making her wear a skimpy loincloth in front of her two best friends, not only had he thrown her Draco out into the cold, Voldemort-controlled world, but he was insulting her teeth, too.

Ron put his hand on her shoulders, trying to console her.

"Yes! That's right, that's right!" Snape said encouragingly. "Touch each other! I want to watch you touching each other."

Harry stepped forward. He still hadn't put on his loincloth. Snape's attention was divided between Harry's charmingly enraged face and something… else. "How dare you! We're people, you evil old bat! We'll never submit to this sort of treatment! You can't make me put on that loincloth!"

"I beg to differ, Mr. Potter. I'm sure I can make you do a great many things." With that, he began whipping Harry mercilessly.

Harry tried not to cry at first, but after twelve straight hours of whipping, he gave in and starting sobbing and sobbing. Hermione and Ron both cried and cried, feeling helpless. By the time Snape was finally finished, Harry's bum was a bright, sparkly red. Snape was dripping with sweat, too, like the sexy, greasy, hook-nosed he-man he was. He threw them into a corner where they went to sleep huddled like animals, completely forgetting their discomfort with each other's nakedness, even though Hermione and Ron weren't really naked because they were wearing loincloths.

The next morning, Snape gave them moldy toast to eat and set them to work. His plan, he told them, was to turn them into the perfect sex toys, and their first lesson was blow jobs.

Harry was the best, of course, and Snape awarded him with a nice round of buggering while Ron and Hermione were forced to watch from a corner, touching each other.

Hermione, always the perfectionist, felt a little put-out that she hadn't learned as fast as Harry. It was about this time that she started to notice a change. Her hair, so beautiful and light and straight since she'd gotten so into her looks, turned a deep, dark, reddish color. Her lips turned deep red, too. And her body, which was so totally hot already, got even hotter because her boobs got really, really big.

Her teeth started getting pointy.

But it didn't make sense! It almost seemed like she was turning into a vampire and only purebloods turned into vampires in late adolescence!

So Hermione asked Snape, who had really become like a father and best friend to her and Harry and Ron since they'd been living down in his dungeon suite, and he advised her quite well. The conversation went a little bit like this:

"Growing fangs, eh? Body's a changing? Ronykins, why don't you go over there and show her how much you love her body the way it is…. So you think you're turning into a vampire? That's only for purebloods. A little to the right, Harry darling. Toothy, you must be a pureblood."

And that was that. Hermione was a pureblood.

She went into a slimy corner and cried for a while, trying to get over the fact that she was really adopted and her parents had lied to her all these years. But then she realized what this meant. She was smart, she was hot, she was a pureblood, and Voldemort was ruling the world!

With the knowledge of her new-found vampire powers, she walked right out of the rooms she'd been confined to for so long, right past Snape somehow managing to keep both Harry and Ron happy, despite the fact that he was no longer a horny, 17-year-old boy, and out the door. When she opened it, Draco was lying on the ground, crying. He looked up at her, his face tear-stained and blotchy. He lifted up his hands joyfully. "Hermione! You've come back to me, my love!"

"Shut up, fool," Hermione, always the succinct one, said, kicking Draco in the stomach. Now that she was a pureblood and a vampire, she had no time for pussies like Draco.

The first person on Hermione's agenda was Voldemort. She went on a hunt to find him and pledge her allegiance. She was quite shocked to find that Snape had lied about the wizarding world and that Voldemort hadn't really taken over, but it was no big deal. She found Voldemort and his followers holding a revel out in a forest somewhere.

When she happened upon the scene, they were all really surprised, but that could have been the loincloth. She walked right up to Voldemort, who was standing in the middle, and said "My name's Hermione Granger. Your nonexistent nose gets me hot and I was wondering whether it would help you breathe when I'm smashing your face into my cunt."

And that was that. Hermione and Voldemort became lovers and were able to take over the world because of Hermione's sweet vampire skills.

But nobody ever heard from Harry Potter or Ron Weasley again. You see, Harry finally saw the good in Snape and fell head-over-heels in love and Ron went crazy. It happened one day when Snape had ordered a pizza.

Ron, always the voracious eater, had taken the pizza out of the box when it was far too hot. Snape had had to punish him for sneaking a piece before Harry, so he smashed the boiling hot pizza in Ron's face.

"That's what you get, Porky," Snape said as Ron's skin melted off his face and into his hands.

He and Harry laughed and laughed and then they went into the back room, to experiment with butt plugs.