Title: Up All Night
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: The late Tolkien and his estate own all rights to the characters and concepts of Middle Earth.
The Fellowship had set up camp in a random area filled with enormous boulders.
"My feet hurt," complained Pippin, wearily sinking to the ground.
"Yeah? Well, my *ass* hurts, so you'll have to be strong." Aragorn told Pippin.
Legolas smirked, but the others gave Aragorn odd looks upon hearing this strange comment. Sam even paused in unpacking the cooking utensils; he was so bewildered by this remark. Frodo promptly shuddered and wished to put on the Ring and disappear upon hearing such an unwholesome remark. Gimli; however, was no fool. He had seen the elf smirk. As it was, the dwarf didn't give a damn about what Aragorn's statement and Legolas' smirk hinted at. Gimli simply shrugged and set out to collect wood for a fire.
Aragorn sat and proceeded to sharpen his sword with a stone while staring intently and suggestively in the elf's direction. Gandalf pretended not to notice the lewd innuendo and puffed his pipe in silence, fervently wishing for a good batch of LSD.
In turn, Legolas pulled out an ornate brush and began to glide it through his pretty long blond hair. He then proceeded to sing a pretty song in pretty elfish.
"What's that he's singing?" inquired Merry, biting into an apple.
"An ancient Elvin song of lus-love," explained Aragorn patiently.
"What's he saying?" demanded Pippin.
"Oh...he sings of leather and whips and branding irons-I mean, Legolas sings of a fair elf maiden who disemboweled herself upon discovering her lover to be a hermaphrodite," said the kingly Aragorn.
"I wish I could write songs like that," commented Sam absent-mindedly as he fried sausages.
Frodo looked very ill upon hearing this. Aragorn had a sudden coughing fit and Legolas was hard put not to chuckle his way through the rest of the song.
When at last Legolas was finished, Boromir proposed a story as he sensed something to be amiss, though he could not place a finger upon what it could be.
"You tell it," growled Gandalf, beginning to feel the pangs of withdrawal.
"Tell whatever story you like. I am going to sleep," announced Aragorn and disappeared behind an especially large boulder.
"Me too," decided Legolas, and trotted after the ranger.
Frodo turned white and began to twitch as he watched this take place.
"I guess I'll tell a story then," said Boromir to break the uneasy silence.
Gimli looked relieved.
"Aye, laddie! Tell one about gore-infested battles and rotting limbs."
"No! No! Tell one about bacon!" piped up Pippin.
"I know a story about a magical pair of shears."
"That's nice, Sam," murmured a sleepy Merry.
Boromir began the tale, making it up as he went. Twas an exciting epic about a warrior king who slew thousands with his magical shears and ate 5 lbs of bacon a day. Boromir was just getting to the part where the warrior king was being forced to sample celery when Aragorn's voice boomed into the night:
"Slap it harder, you daddy's boy!"
Pippin looked bewildered.
"Was that Aragorn?" he wanted to know.
"No! No it wasn't!" cried Frodo, turning away and clutching his head.
"I dunno, Mr. Frodo. I think it might have been."
Then, Legolas' fair voice screamed:
"I hope he won't notice his horn is missing! Slow down, Aragorn!"
Gimli had to exert the strictest discipline to refrain from looking at Boromir's belt to see if the Horn of Gondor still hung there. He couldn't figure out: Legolas behaved manly enough when in the company of others, but whenever he got near that silly ranger...
"Hark! I am an Urukai! You are now my prisoner, you pretty elf thing!"
"Oh! Please do not hurt and torture me, Mr. Urukai! Please do not tie me to that big rock and rip my pretty pants off!"
Gandalf shook his head and pretended to be having a bad drug-induced hallucination. Boromir had long given up telling his story and suddenly missed the Horn of Gondor. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were exchanging uneasy expressions. Even Pippin began to suspect something impure to be happening behind that boulder. Frodo was in the same realm as the Ring wraiths and he wasn't even wearing the Ring.
"Maybe we should go to bed, too," suggested Samwise.
Gimli and the others shrugged their consent, pulled their cloaks about themselves, and tried to sleep. Unfortunately, a very odd noise that minutely resembled the Horn of Gondor gone awry, kept waking them. Worse still, odd grunts and moans that sounded like Aragorn always followed the strange horn-like noise.
"Do you hear that?" asked Boromir softly.
"No! No, I don't!" shrieked Frodo and frothed at the mouth.
Gimli furtively reached inside his cloak and produced an eyedropper filled with the purest LSD this side of Middle Earth. Finally, he could indulge! To hell with these perverts and idiots!
"Oh, Elbereth! You have broken it, Estel!"
"I have not! Tis but a crack."
"That is not a crack. *This* is a crack!"
"You dirty elf! Come here!" Aragorn chuckled in a most disturbing manner while Legolas tittered insanely.
Gandalf sighed and realized he had chosen a very bad time to wean himself off the sleeping elixir.