I guess I have to say it sooner or later. I don’t own Yugioh. I don’t claim to either.

-

This... This can’t be true. Someone please tell me it isn’t true. You can’t, after all we’ve been through, you can’t care about me. Can you? I hang my head, resting it between my knees as I draw them up towards my chest. I’ve tried everything I could think of in this life to distance myself from you and yet it was my name you just whispered. I feel as if my heart will break and I’ll die this very moment, right here on this balcony. I don’t even need the sun anymore.

The only thing I didn’t want to do was hurt you, to add yet another crack to the heart that’s been broken so very many times. But I have. I could see it in your eyes and there’s no use in trying to deny it to myself. I’m more of a monster than that drunk driver who killed your little brother; I’m the worst evil there is. I love you more than anything else, anyone else and still I manage to bring harm to you.

I should’ve killed myself the moment I was separated from Yugi.

Tell me, how long has this been going on? How long ago was it that you stopped hating me? Was that why you gave your blood to me? Not just because you didn’t want to see anyone hurt as you were, that you actually had some smidgen of regard for me. I’ve been such an utter and contemptible fool! A sheer idiot! Why did I not realise it the moment I saw you beside me last night that you weren’t simply there to pay your last respects. I should’ve known that you never just give up on anything that matters even remotely to you, even if that something is a grizzly beast.

I can’t even attempt to stop the tears coming this time, bloody, filthy torrents running down my cheeks and soaking into my clothing as I sob, my very soul hurt by what I’ve done to you. All I’ve managed to do is hurt people by my existence; I can’t stand it anymore! I can’t stand to see the light going out in your eyes as you say goodbye to another part of yourself. And you do it because of me!

What did I do to deserve this? To be fated to hurt you throughout eternity when all I ever wanted was your happiness. I know I must atone for what I’ve done, both in this life and the last, but why do you have to suffer too? Silent sobs rake my body and I can’t stop them. There is no other torment I can think of that would be more painful to end my life with but this.

It hurts so much.

I just want to take these preternatural hands and shove them through my chest and just tear my beating heart right out. Maybe that would take the pain away.

But would it take your pain away?

No.

I’m such a fool.

A selfish, selfish fool.

And yet, faced with the knowledge that I’d kill others were I to stay I still want to. I’d give up my humanity for you Seto Kaiba, I’d give you every last bit of my heart and soul if it would keep you from the grief that continues to engulf you. If you asked I’d give you everything I had. Even through this life I’ve never even told you that I cared about you but you’ve still been willing to give me your life so many times.

I don’t know whether to smile at the thought or to cry.

Why did I even come here in the first place? I should’ve left it at that perfect goodbye and stayed far away from you. And now I have to go and find a spot where a blazing corpse will do no harm. I know the sun will be reborn in the east very soon.

I rise slowly, looking at my feet out of shame and not even wanting to wipe the streaks of blood from my face anymore. Yet as I finally raise my head, fully intending to turn to the east I notice something which shouldn’t be where it is. Blue eyes. And with those eyes come the rest of you, watching me silently from a few steps away, the curtain by the now open balcony door billowing around you.

My broken china doll.

Have you come to shatter my heart one more time, looking at me with such sadness in your beautiful blue eyes but your expression so vacant? I don’t think I could speak now even if I wanted to. You’ve stolen my very breath away and I’m left dumbstruck.

What do you think of me now, shaking and with dark, sticky blood smeared all across my face? Why is it that you still stand there not even the least bit repulsed? Doesn’t your soul remember what happened to you all those millennia ago? I wish you’d run, wipe me from you mind and just go. If only you knew how looking at you weakens my resolve to do what I must for the sake of humanity. Maybe that’s wishful thinking at this point though...

I should jump right off this balcony and run as far away as I can. But I can’t even move an inch. It’s like you’ve frozen me to the very ground with my own regrets, my doubts; my very love for you.

And I watch silently as you move slowly to stand next to me, leaning on the balcony rail ever so slightly. “You saw Yugi?” you ask quietly, gazing out into the night. I nod. The rising wind blows your hair wildly across your face, telling me the sun is starting its ascent into the sky once more. Just a little longer, I only have to last a little bit longer and then everything will be over. I’ll have done what I need to do.

Or am I simply lying to myself again?

-

At first I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, I knew that there hadn’t been anyone else in this shell of a house for weeks now.

I haven’t been here for weeks.

I’ve been stuck running away; denying what I already knew. Part of me still doesn’t want to admit that you’re gone for good and that it’s my fault. Sometimes I look at the clock in my office and expect to see you run in at any minute and scold me for working so late, or not coming home when I’d promised to. There’s nothing I want more now than to have you tell me what an idiot I’ve been, that I should come home before I collapse. But you never come. You can’t. And it’s all my fault.

I can’t find words vile enough to describe what I let happen, the bile that rises in my heart when I think that if I’d only looked after you more you’d still be here with me and my only companion wouldn’t be a dusty old house full of more ghosts than I’d like to admit exist. I don’t know how to keep living when I have nothing of value anymore. Yet, I don’t know how to stop living either.

Not like him.

Why am I such a coward? He’s ready to throw everything away, give up his life and possibly even his soul just because he thinks that’s what has to be done, when there could easily be another way. I may not believe all the gibberish he spouts but I know what I see. And that’s the only other person that I’ve ever given a second thought ready to kill himself without hesitation. Just like that he’d put an end to everything and die with a damn smile on his face! What kind of sick cosmic irony is that?

I’ve lived bathed in death all my life and yet I shy away from it like scared little child. There’s nothing it seems that can rid me of this weakness that causes me to perpetually drown in the sorrow of my own utter incompetence. And now I’m going to lose the last thing that links me to what used to be. That time when I used to be someone who had a reason to want to endure.

Mokuba, I was never the brother I should’ve been. I failed you and I can’t express the degree of my bereavement. I’m a shell without you, incapable of doing what should be done. And there’s Yami. I once called you my only worthy rival; the truth is that I’m the one that’s not worthy of you. I lack the strength of my conviction but you’re willing to do it without a second thought to anything you’d be leaving behind. It’s clear now who the stronger of us two, perhaps I was a fool to ever deny it in the first place.

Tell me that you saw Yugi like you said you would. Tell me in this tormenting silence that I’ve brought about, that hovers around me like a silent harbinger of my insanity, that no one else going to think that they couldn’t save you.

But I’ll still think it.

You must resent me for what I’ve done to you and your friends and yet you refused me when I actually wanted to help you. I wanted to think I was worth something, that maybe I could help you instead of just hurt you. And you would’ve died right there but still you refused me. Even my life isn’t worth anything. You didn’t want me, not that I should’ve been surprised, but it hurt. To think that you’d rather die than take what I offered you, it burned some part of me I didn’t even know I had left.

So I forced myself on you. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t watch anyone else die right in front of me, not when I had the power to stop it. And you hated me even more for it. You’re eyes were so fierce, like a cornered lion ready to fight it’s way out. The only reason you could even stand me was because I brought up Yugi, someone you do care about.

And then under the tree I could see that you were tired, that you had wanted to die then and there and yet I had stopped you and you hated me for it. You were probably exhausted. Its no surprise you remained with me for a while after all that. I was a moron to ever conceive the notion that you stayed because of me, to think that I actually meant anything at all to you.

But I’d do it again. I’d do it without a second thought. For the first time, in what seems like an eternity of darkness, as you drank my blood I found oblivion. All I could think of was that I was doing something, I was keeping you alive, even if you didn’t want to be saved. It was painful and painless, utter darkness and pure light and then an utter abandon where there was nothing. Not consciousness, not memory, regret or guilt, just floating bodiless in a great void.

I want that oblivion; I crave it like nothing else now. Let me give you my life in exchange for a realm where I won’t feel anything. Let me save you and that small part of me that wants to smirk at you and speak those heated words in the midst of battle. I’ve always been selfish, and I haven’t changed. I want to keep you here.

And then I mouthed your name as I lay there thinking about what I had lost and what I was about to lose. I don’t know why. Maybe I’ve already gone insane that I thought you’d actually hear me.

At first I thought my mind was simply playing another trick on me when I heard that thud resound from the balcony. There was nothing there... I was imagining things I was sure. And then I heard the sobs. Houses don’t cry, animals don’t cry and whatever debris plummets out of the sky doesn’t cry. People cry.

Maybe that wasn’t the only reason I got up and walked languidly towards my balcony. I don’t know anymore.

But there you were, curled up in the corner of the balcony, back to the wrought-iron rails, incarnadine tears falling over pale cheeks. I’ve never seen you cry before now, and I really don’t know what to do. It’s too surreal to see you again like this. I can’t stand those tears; they drive daggers into my heart at the sight of them, just like they did with Mokuba. I want to do something about them...but what?

And then you slowly lift your head and your eyes widen at the sight of me. Eyes darker than those tears. I’m incapable of saying anything. All I can do is stand and stare at you, as if it was the last time I’d ever see anything again. Then again, maybe it is. I walk over and stand beside you, leaning on the balcony rail and tearing my gaze from you to the night that’s slowly dying. The horizon’s blood red too...everything’s crimson it seems.

Out of everything I want to say, the infinity of things I could say, all I ask is if you went to see Yugi. And with a whispered ‘yes’ you give me your answer, standing beside me now. Looking at the sky like this, mocking me with its combination blue and crimson, I know that I have a choice. More than one can die in this twilight...or they can all be saved.

And I’ll hate myself for it either way.

The sun will poke above the horizon any moment now and you turn to me, meaning to leave. You make to say goodbye but I won’t let you. I grab your wrist and pull you close to me, wrapping you in my arms. My hands are shaking as I hold you close; as I lower my neck towards your face and fire fills your eyes. You try to break free of my grip but I won’t let you go. Then those eyes filled with animalistic rage cloud over and slowly I can feel sharp teeth gouge my neck.

That’s it.

Take it all if you have to and leave me in oblivion.

Yami: you can hate me all you want, but I’m not losing you too.

-

AN: Yay update! This is the first chance I’ve had to write since winter break and this was the fic that wanted to be written on today, so here you go. One chapter. I hope to have everything updated eventually, but I’m just doing so much work I’m barely scraping enough free time together to eat lunch. I actually bothered to calculate it out and I spend 50 hours a week at school, 50 hours a week sleeping and 50 hours a week doing homework. Do the math and you know about how much free time I have. On the bright side, rest assured that I’m not dead and that spring break is coming soon, so there should be some chapters up then.

I apologise again for the inevitable grammatical errors. I fear that if I start picking it apart now it would take another couple months for me to post it.

On another note, a big thanks to DJ Silence Yuy for continually poking me, or else I’d never even try to write at this rate. And for her fics which keep me continually on the edge of my seat. (And for her loveable bi-polar Atemu, which never ceases to amuse me.) And a big thanks to Pysche whose enthralling and beautifully crafted fics have kept my sanity when I thought I was about to lose it. I should be drug out into the street and shot for not reviewing such a wonderful author. So, if you haven’t read anything by either author I suggest you take a peak, its well worth the time.

Adieu.