At last, the final episode!
By Darth SillyName, the Dynamic Villain
2003, 2009

Every generation has a rewrite...
Every journey has to be redone...
Every saga has another point of view...

During a well known period in time in a galaxy we know all too well by now...

A vast ocean of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a roll up, which crawls up into infinity...then plummets down again.

STAR WARS

EPISODE VI

THE SIXTH EPISODE

Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine, a planet we know all too well by now.
There he will attempt to free Han Solo from the clutches of Jabba the Hutt, a villain we know all too well by now.
Little does Luke know that the Empire is constructing a new Death Star, a battle station we know all too well by now.

PAN DOWN

Through the vast ocean of stars to reveal...

An announcement in which the immediate discontinuation of the Hyper$pace paid subscription service on the Star Wars website is announced. Money will not be refunded. All material previously available on Hyper$pace can now be accessed for free. All former members of Hyper$pace will receive a free coupon for a -1% discount on the Episode 1 Deluxe Jar Jar bubble-gum set.

EXT. SPACE

A Star Destroyer approaches the Death Star. A shuttle flies away from it.

INT. DEATH STAR, CONTROL ROOM

An officer sees the shuttle landing.

OFFICER
Alert the commander to prepare for Lord Vader's arrival.

INT. DEATH STAR, HANGAR

The shuttle lands. Darth Vader gets out and inspects the alerted and prepared troops.

DARTH VADER
Strange. I get the feeling I've seen this before...in the updated previous episode...

COMMANDER
We are working as fast as we can.
If only it was digital, instead of an old fashioned matte painting...

DARTH VADER
By now you should know how to build a Death Star! Perhaps you should explain it to the Emperor himself when he arrives.

COMMANDER
The Emperor is coming here?

DARTH VADER
Didn't I just say that? Pay attention, stupid!

EXT. TATOOINE, JABBA'S PALACE - DAY

Threepio and Artoo arrive at Jabba the Hutt's palace.

SEE-THREEPIO
The stories I heard about Jabba...

Artoo bleeps.

SEE-THREEPIO
Well, for starters, he once bit off the head of a Tatooinian chicken just to start a pod-race! And then he fell asleep!

INT. JABBA'S PALACE

Artoo plays Luke's holographic message before Jabba.

LUKE (hologram)
I give you these droids. They know this planet all too well by now.

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)
Hohoho! Solo will remain mine!

SEE-THREEPIO
Look Artoo, captain Solo is still frozen in carbonite!

Indeed, captain Solo is still frozen in carbonite!

INT. JABBA'S PALACE, DROID DUNGEON

Artoo and Threepio are led to the droid dungeon, where droids are tortured! Is this where I send my computer to?

DROID
You can be a translator.

SEE-THREEPIO
Can't I just get my head cut off and have it placed on another droid? That was so much fun! I made funny gay jokes.

DROID
Those were not funny! This little one can work on the sailbarge. The plot may require him there later.

INT. JABBA'S PALACE - EVENING

15 minutes of a CG musical sequence later a bounty hunter enters together with Chewbacca! Another Fett is on full alert!

BOUNTY HUNTER
Yoto yoto yoto.

SEE-THREEPIO
He wants more money!

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)
Hohoho! Why are you translating it to English? Speak Huttees to me, you idiot! He won't get more money!

Threepio turns to the Bounty Hunter.

SEE-THREEPIO
Jabba won't give you more money.

BOUNTY HUNTER (in Yoto)
Speak Yoto to me, you idiot!

The palace is in turmoil. They will need to endlessly debate this alarming chain of events in a conference room!

Lando is there too, disguised as...Lando...with a helmet.

Now Luke also arrives. Jabba excuses himself to the other guests and they retire to the conference room...

INT. JABBA'S PALACE, CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT

Luke, the mysterious bounty hunter, the disguised Lando, Threepio, Chewie, the frozen Han, Jabba, his friend Bib Fortuna, Another Fett, and several serious looking extras sit and stand around the obligatory Conference Room Scene.

LUKE
I think the best thing to do is to barter for Han Solo's freedom.
Perhaps we have something to trade. Leia's wardrobe perhaps... These crime lords must have some sort of weakness...

BIB FORTUNA
Talk, no fight? He's no Jedi!

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)
Hohoho! I do not believe it will come to a fight. Skywalker is a political idealist, not a murderer.

LUKE
Try me.

ANOTHER FETT
Do you believe it will come to a fight, Master Jedi?

BOUNTY HUNTER
Oh, Luke is not a Jedi Master, he is only an apprentice. I was thinking we could bet on a pod race. Say...our lives against our freedom and Han Solo.

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)
Deal!

LANDO
Luke, you look so anxious. What's wrong?

LUKE
I was thinking...when are we going to get to the important exposition stuff, instead of just talking crap?

BOUNTY HUNTER
Get Down!

WOOOSH!

LANDO
What was that?

LUKE
A Wave Of Worthless Editing!

The important exposition has been swept away by the awesome Cutscene Of DVD!

JABBA
Hohoho! Bo Shuda!

Another Fett suddenly takes the helmet off of the mysterious Bounty Hunter's head! It's LEIA!

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)
Hohoho! You thought you could fool me with that disguise? I did my homework and watched the Prequels.
I know all about the worthless disguises of your mother! Now you will die!

The CG Rancor attacks! The mighty beast rips the clothes off Leia - exposing lots of skin!

LEIA
Aaarch! That was stupid!

Leia is now only dressed in a metal bikini!

LEIA
At last I have revealed my skin to the fanboys, at last they will have their climax.

Jabba seems to have the upper hand, but then he loses the bet on the pod-race...

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)
Hohoho! It's not fair. Somehow you knew you were going to win.

LUKE
You want to discuss this with Governor Watto in an official hearing of the Courts?

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)
Hohoho! You win.

Leia presses a button on Han Solo's freeze-coffin thing. The famous smuggler starts coming back to life.

Han falls, and hits the jetpack of Another Fett!

ANOTHER FETT
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Another Fett flies away out of control.

HAN
Hey, that was the guy who looked like Jango Fett.

Chewie growls.

HAN
Boba Fett? That was Boba Fett? That little, worthless, pointless kid who hung around Jango Fett in Episode 2 without doing anything remotely interesting? Wow! I'm glad I killed him in such a lame way. He deserved it!

INT. DEATH STAR

The emperor has arrived on board the Death Star.

DARTH VADER
The Death Star will be completed in time. We recycled some bits from the previous ones.

EMPEROR
Good. That always seems to work for Lucas as well. And now I sense you want to continue your search for young Skywalker.

DARTH VADER
Actually, I was thinking about searching on the Internet for those topless beach pictures of young Natalie Portman.

EMPEROR
You will find those easy to locate, my friend. They're everywhere. Also check out the clip of her nipple-slip on the Letterman show.
They will come to you, then you will bring them to me.

DARTH VADER
The pictures will come to me?

EMPEROR
Didn't I just say that? Pay attention, stupid! As long as you click the download button, it will work. All will proceed as I have foreseen, except for the changes made in the latest version of this movie.

INT. YODA'S HOME (DAGOBAH)

Luke is visiting Yoda on Dagobah.

YODA
So bad I look through young eyes?

LUKE
I think it's just the puppet and how it's operated.

YODA
Twilight will soon be upon me. Replaced by computer animation, I will be...

LUKE
But my training is not yet complete. I still have one more lesson to go. *

* (See Episode 5: Attack Of The SnowClones, for the 20 previous lessons.)

YODA
Guidance you need not, Luke. Once learn to trust feelings, you do, the most powerful Jedi you will be.
Even more powerful than me. Difficult, that will be not, when gone am I.

LUKE
So I am a Jedi!

YODA
No, no! Decades of serious training and meditation you need for that!
Not some silly speed course.

LUKE
What?

YODA
Oh, whatever! Vader! You must confront Vader. Only then a Jedi will you be, if means so much to you it does. After all, already made up Rule Of Two nonsense did I, and came up with name of war for no good reason. Calling you a Jedi, add to that I can.

LUKE
Huh? How did all the other Jedi apprentices become Knights?
I'm sure there wasn't always a Dark Lord available.

YODA
Question me, you must not. Right I am always, except when wrong I am.

LUKE
Is Vader my father?

YODA
Yes. Vader means father in Dutch, so...

LUKE
That's a coincidence.

YODA
Oh, okay. Your father he is anyway.
Unfortunate that he told you, and that Lucasfilm marketing department used it to promote prequels. Gone, that surprise was.
Luke, when gone am I, the last of the Jedi will you be. Do not pass on what you have learned. Suck, the Jedi did. There is another S...S...S...

LUKE
Sith? Sailbarge? Sandcrawler? Stormtrooper? Sy Snootles? Song and dance number? Saber? Sarlacc? Slave girl? Star Destroyer? Shuttle? Come on! Give me a hint!

Yoda is tired of this crap and dies.

Luke goes outside.

EXT. DAGOBAH - NIGHT

Luke is sad. Obi-Wan the Annoying Ghost is there too.

OBI-WAN
Yoda will always be with you.

LUKE
Perhaps I can fit him in the cargo compartment of my Left-Wing.

OBI-WAN
What Mace Windu told you about the Prequels was true, from a certain point of view.

LUKE
What happened?

OBI-WAN
Simply watch the Prequels and especially Episode 3. Everything is revealed in Episode 3, so no surprises are left at all for the Original Trilogy.

LUKE
I'd rather not.

OBI-WAN
I don't blame you for not wanting to watch the Prequels. It wouldn't be the first time someone got depressed watching those episodes.
You see, what happened to your father was not really my fault.
When I first met your father, he was already a decent Pod-race pilot, but I was amazed at how high his midichlorian count was.
My master Qui-Gon Jinn, not Yoda, believed that Anakiddie was the Chosen One who could bring Balance to the Force.
What was he thinking?
Plenty of people can fly fast through narrow canyons and avoid obstacles; plenty of people have luck when they are in a dangerous situation. And how could Qui-Gon ever believe that nonsense about how Anakid was created by midichlorians!
That worthless cheap slave Shmut obviously lied to him. Her slave master probably loaned her out to some space pirate who got her knocked up!
Anyway, before he died, Qui-Gon begged me to train Anakiddie. Amazingly the Jedi Council agreed!
What were those old farts thinking? They said I wasn't ready for the trials yet, then I killed some Sith who forgot to move and suddenly they believed I was ready to not only be a Knight but also a Master!
Why didn't they let some experienced Jedi Master train Anakiddie? I never thought I could instruct him as well as Yoda, but Yoda and Mace told me I did well.

LUKE
I'm glad you have no reason to feel guilty.

OBI-WAN
Oh, never mind! Anakid thought about some silly uptight girl for the next ten years, and when he finally met her again he went insane. He killed a bunch of women and children and complained a lot.
He was seduced by this young woman and got married and then that dominated his destiny for the rest of his life, like with all married men.

LUKE
I'll stay single then.

OBI-WAN
Do not underestimate the Expanded Universe, Luke! It's even crazier than the prequels and see what we encountered in those: Boba Fett,
who was Jango Fett's son; See Threepio, who was Anakiddie's son and who lived with the Lars family for many years; Artoo-Detoo, who also hung out with Anakid and me; Captain Obvious, who was Captain Boring's nephew according to the official website; Jabba and Bib Fortuna; Chewbacca, who fought together with Yoda in the Clone War(s); and I was of course trained by Qui-Gon, who was trained by Cape, who was trained by Yoda... and there is much more.

LUKE
Wow. What a small galaxy.

OBI-WAN
When the clone war was nearing its end, we all realized that the two trilogies were nothing alike and could not be linked together.
So we all lined up in front of the Galactic Machine Of Memory Loss, so that our memories could be erased and we wouldn't have to live with all that Prequel nonsense in our heads.
Anakid was first in line...and disaster struck! A power-coupling exploded and Anakid was hit. From then on he needed his cybernetic Techno Union suit to live. The rest of us were forced to remember everything and accept the inconsistencies.
We decided it was best to destroy the Prequels in order to save the universe from bad taste, but the Emperor took over and decided to destroy and replace the Original Editions instead.
And we've been fighting him ever since...

LUKE
You're kidding, right?

OBI-WAN
Yes, but only because the real story isn't much better.
You see, your father had bad dreams about your mother. The Emperor revealed himself to Anakid as the evil mastermind manipulator behind all the bad things that had happened. He promised Anakid that together they could stop your mother from dying in childbirth. I guess he pretended to be a doctor or something. Obviously your stupid father believed it and started killing loads of people, because that's apparently what people did back in those days when they wanted to prevent someone from dying.

LUKE
Errr...what?

OBI-WAN
Circumstances led to your father getting tricked into embracing the Dark Side.

LUKE
So my father was an idiot?

OBI-WAN
Don't hold that against your father, Luke. We were all idiots back then. Many people throughout the galaxy suffered from Prequelitis.

LUKE
Okay...
Yoda spoke of another. Starting with an 'S'.

OBI-WAN
That must be See-Threepio. He is your half-brother, because he was created by your father, from a certain point of view.

LUKE
I'm not so sure...

OBI-WAN
Perhaps he meant Shewbacca. He has always had good relations with the Jedi.

LUKE
Err...

OBI-WAN
Then of course we have the clonetroopers and Boba Fett. You see, Jango Fett was used as the clone template for the troopers and he had Boba Fett created as his identical, normal growth, clone son. Interesting, isn't it?

LUKE
Not really, no.

OBI-WAN
Actually, it is, because you are a clone too, Luke!
Your father and your mother both lost the ability to produce children after they had performed fake jumps onto some CG animal - crotch first!*
Very nasty. That's why we cloned you.

*(See Stop! Or My Clone Will Shoot)

LUKE
I'm a clone?

OBI-WAN
Only kidding, but it's better than the real story, from a certain point of view.

LUKE
Err...dude...

OBI-WAN
Oh wait! Now I know! The 'S' stands for slut. You have a twin sister.

LUKE
Leia! Leia is my sister!
Errr... I wish I had known this before...that night...with the...stuff...with her...ahum...

OBI-WAN
Bury your feelings deep, Luke.
There's nothing wrong with adult siblings getting freaky together as long as they don't tell anybody.

LUKE
Yoda said I must confront Vader...

OBI-WAN
Vader humbled you when you first met, but you held firm. That experience was part of your training and now you are stronger.

LUKE
The twenty-first lesson of the Jedi speed-course!

OBI-WAN
Your insight serves you well. That was the hidden lesson Yoda could not teach you from a book.

LUKE
I can't kill my own father.

OBI-WAN
To be a Jedi you must confront and go beyond the Dark Side, the part your father couldn't get through, even though he was a Jedi Knight in Episode 3 and no longer an apprentice. And even if you make it through, you can still be seduced by the Dark Side. Just look at what happened to Count Cape! And he even used to be Yoda's padawan!

LUKE
So what happened to Cape?

OBI-WAN
Something...somehow...at some point...in a galaxy of assumptions and cut-scenes and Expanded Universe stories far, far away.
Anyway, you must face Vader again!

LUKE
Oh, okay. If it makes everybody shut up...

EXT. SPACE

The CG Rebel fleet flies around, being good. Several CG N-1 Nabooty fighters patrol the area.

INT. REBEL CRUISER, CONFERENCE ROOM

The rebels are gathered in a conference room (obviously).

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER
We have stolen the plans for the new Death Star. We can fly in and destroy it with a single shot, like we always do.

HAN
Are you sure the plans were not leaked, like the last time, when they let us escape with the plans and then they attacked us?

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER
Uhm...

HAN
Can't we do something original for a change? How about setting up some factories to make millions of Battle Droids, and then using them to attack the Empire?

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER
Nah... Listen; here is something original: The Death Star is protected by a shield. A ground force will need to take that out first.

HAN
You mean like when we had a shield on Hoth Or Not, and the Empire had to take that out with ground forces?

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER
Err...

LEIA
I wonder what idiot they found to do that.

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER
General Solo, are you ready?

LEIA
General? Who did they demote to make you a general so fast?

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER
Private Leia, you can go with General Solo as a foot-soldier.

LEIA
What?

LUKE
I'll come too.

Somehow everybody thinks the meeting is over. They all start walking away.

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER
Hey, come back! I'm not finished!

EXT. SPACE, DEATH STAR & ENDOR

A stolen Imperial shuttle with our friends in it approaches the Death Star and Endor.

INT. SHUTTLE

Chewie growls.

HAN
Yes, Chewie. It's a good thing you flew one of these shuttles more than twenty years ago at the end of the clone war.

LUKE
So once we get through the shield, we fly straight at the shield generator dish and fly into it and set off the nuclear bomb in our cargo compartment, possibly bailing out before that happens and letting the shuttle fly on autopilot. Or not, because if we survive we will never stop having unoriginal adventures in crappy spin-off novels and comics.

HAN
Uhm, no.

LUKE
Oh, okay. We'll fly straight at it and launch our secret missiles at it!

HAN
Uhm, no.

LUKE
Oh, wait! We fly straight at it, land safely - because we're in one of their shuttles - , then have our commandos run out and take over the base and shut down the reactor!

HAN
Uhm, no.

LUKE
So...we're going to land far away from the base, hope nobody will wonder what happened to that shuttle, hope we don't encounter any troops that could sound alarm, hope we somehow can get into the base unseen, and hope that we can somehow take out that generator.

HAN
Yep.

LUKE
I should not have come along.

HAN
Because you put the mission in danger, since Vader can sense your presence?

LUKE
No, because this mission is stupid.

INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER

Darth Vader senses there is something not right with the shuttle that has entered the sector...

DARTH VADER
I sense there is something not right with the shuttle that has entered the sector...

ADMIRAL PIETT
Shall I alert our forces to prepare for the shuttle's arrival?

DARTH VADER
No, it is something else, more elusive, cuddly, teddy bear-ish...

The shuttle gets permission to fly on...

EXT. ENDOR, FOREST - DAY

Our friends have safely landed, but got split up after a speeder-bike race! Leia is missing! What happened to her?

LUKE
We should go look for her. It's a good thing the locals only eat men, and not women, or else she could be in trouble.

The boys are promptly captured by the locals. They look like CG teddy bears! The little animals jump all over the place, like only CG teddybears can!

HAN
Who are they?

SEE-THREEPIO
Ewoks! They strive for a franchise of their own! We must be cautious!

LUKE
Threepio, tell them we are friends! Tell them they can have their own movies and cartoon. Tell them they can license teddy bears! That's marketing brilliance! Putting your own logo on teddy bears! Genius!

Then the Ewoks start chanting.

SEE-THREEPIO
They think I'm some sort of god. I guess they're right. After all, The Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force, who was created by the Force and the midichlorians, was the one who created me!

EXT. ENDOR, MORE FOREST - DAY

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest... Leia wakes up after a nasty fall. An Ewok is poking her with a stick.

Leia instantly reacts and SHOOTS the little bastard!

LEIA
I always wanted to do that!

INT. DEATH STAR

Darth Vader meets with the Emperor.

DARTH VADER
My son is with those rebels on Endor.

EMPEROR
See-Threepio?

DARTH VADER
No, the other one.

EMPEROR
Funny that I didn't sense it.
Perhaps the Light Side of the Force is limiting my abilities...

INT. EWOK HUT (ENDOR) - NIGHT

After several trials and tribulations, our friends have made friends with the Ewoks, so now the Ewoks are our friends too...

See-Threepio explains to the little bears just what all happened before.

SEE-THREEPIO
Just watch the entire saga, you lazy bastards!

After a profit sharing deal, the Ewoks agree to help our friends.

EXT. EWOK VILLAGE - NIGHT

Leia finds Luke outside.

LEIA
Luke, what's wrong?

LUKE
I just can't stand those little Ewoks. I hate them! They're animals and I want to slaughter them like animals!

LEIA
This reminds me of a story my mother told me.

LUKE
What do you remember of your mother? Your real mother? Before she died.

LEIA
Nothing. She died when I only minutes old. My foster parents told me she died from Prequelitis.

LUKE
Prequelitis? There's that word again.

LEIA
That's when you lose a lot of intelligence, common sense, and ethics, and start doing all kinds of stupid things, like falling in love with mass murderers and stuff like that.

LUKE
The midichlorians are plentiful in my family, Leia. They're in me, my father...and my sister!

LEIA
No!

LUKE
Yes, Leia. It's true.

LEIA
The girl on Hoth Or Noth, who operated the Ion-Cannon! She's your sister?

LUKE
Uhm, no. You are my twin sister.

LEIA
I always knew that. And Darth Vader is my father...from a certain point of view.

LUKE
How do you know those things?

LEIA
I have seen Episode 3.

LUKE
Hang on! If you always knew that, then why did you get freaky with me?

LEIA
As the daughter of a Nabooty woman I have a natural insatiable craving for booty-action.*
You were available, and handsome, so...

*(See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty)

LUKE
I have to confront Vader.

LEIA
No, Luke, don't! Don't tell him we had booty-action! That's best kept a secret between you and me!

LUKE
No, I think there is good in him. I must find that and bring it back.

LEIA
I think that goodness you seek is somewhere in between Episodes 1 and 2, because in Episode 1 Anakiddie was this nice child, and in Episode 2 he was suddenly a jerk.

EXT. IMPERIAL BASE - MORNING

Luke has surrendered to the Imperials. Vader awaits him.

LUKE
Hello, dad.

DARTH VADER
So you have accepted the truth.

LUKE
I accept that you were once Anakiddie Skywalker, a very annoying kid.

DARTH VADER
That name has no more meaning to me. I'm much cooler now.

Vader activates Luke's lightsaber.

DARTH VADER
Very nice. I see your training is complete.

LUKE
Huh? I had to construct my own saber to complete my training? Yoda never told me that! I bought this lightsaber on the internet!

DARTH VADER
I must obey my master. I can't come with you.

LUKE
You can try. Simply commandeer a shuttle and we're out of here. Come on, let's try it. It'll be easy!

DARTH VADER
You don't understand. They've placed this explosive inside me. If I try to escape...BOOM! They blow me away!

LUKE
How wude.

INT. DEATH STAR

Vader brings Luke before the Emperor.

EMPEROR
Welcome, young Skywalker. You will join me, as I have foreseen.

LUKE
In what version did you see that?

EMPEROR
Your friends will die, and the rebel fleet will be destroyed! It's a trap! I can't believe you guys fell for it! It's how the clone war started: you hide some troops out of sight and bring them out to fight the good guys when they have arrived! Suckers!

LUKE
Perhaps I should have watched the Prequels after all...then I would have been prepared...

EMPEROR
Now you will kill your father and take his place at my side.

LUKE
No, I will kill you and take my father to therapy.

Luke tries to kill the Emperor, but Vader stops him! They fight!

The lightsaber fight takes them to some laser-shield-door things. They are separated from each other!

LUKE
How long before these things open again?

DARTH VADER
Until the next scenes are done.
Clever trick to switch locations, isn't it?

LUKE
No, not really. Obvious, unimaginative and lame.

EXT. SPACE

The rebel fleet is under attack by Imperial ships! The shield is still there! The Death Star is operational! It's a trap!

INT. REBEL CRUISER

CG ADMIRAL ACKBAR
It's a trap!
Duh!

INT. FALCON

Lando shoots enemy CG fighters!

LANDO
Perhaps we should have first send in some cloaked spy-ship to see if the shield was gone, and if it wasn't some kind of trap.

INT. REBEL CRUISER

CG ADMIRAL ACKBAR
No! That would have been too easy!

EXT. ENDOR - DAY

The Ewoks come to the rescue. The rebels and Ewoks join forces and fight the CG clonetroopers!

The battle is over quickly. The CG clonetroopers - created and trained for High Definition warfare - kill Ewok after Ewok!

HAN
I guess sticks and stones don't work against computer animations!

LEIA
Artoo! We need your help!

Artoo activates his rocket-boosters and flies over to Leia.

Leia takes a glowing orb out of Artoo's Super Secret Compartment Of Surprise.

HAN
What's that?

LEIA
This is the Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness*. It was given to Boss Nass by my mother, and Nass then gave it to me, to use it to light our darkest hour!

*(see Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty)

HAN
We don't need a light! We need a weapon!

Leia throws the Orb.
The Orb EXPLODES and the Flash Of Poor Writing changes everything! The Ewoks and rebels have won, and the Imperials have been defeated!

HAN
That's highly unlikely!

LEIA
The Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness works!

INT. DEATH STAR

The Laser Doors Of Pacing open and the lightsaber fight continues!

DARTH VADER
Your thoughts betray you. Another version! You have another version for yourself! You are a Phantom Editor!

LUKE
Aaaah! I had to! It is my right! If Lucas can mess up his own movies, I can mess them up too!

Luke slashes and Vader goes down!

EMPEROR
Good. Now kill your father and take his place at my side as an evil Dark Lord who will help me rule the galaxy and do bad things.

LUKE
Uhm, no. Was that your whole plan?
Do you really expect me to turn to evil like that?

EMPEROR
It seemed to work with your father.

LUKE
My father was a stupid Prequel character, no wonder it worked with him. That kind of nonsense doesn't work with a cool and intelligent Original Trilogy character like myself.

EMPEROR
Damn. You're too much of an Original Trilogy fanboy.

LUKE
Now I will do something heroic and meaningful.
It goes against some of the Jedi lessons, but that makes it even more dramatic and symbolic and such!

Luke refuses to fight and throws away his lightsaber!

EMPEROR
Now, pathetic fanboy, you will die!

The emperor shoots lightning from his hands at Luke!

EMPEROR
I don't care what universe you're from, that's gotta hurt!

DARTH VADER
Luke! Use your saber to absorb the lightning! I watched Obi-Wan do that once!

LUKE
Oh, I guess that weapon was my life!

Vader can't stand to watch his son in pain. He picks up the Emperor and throws him into the Bottomless Pit Of Return In The Expanded Universe!

Vader is dying.

DARTH VADER
Luke, help me take this mask off.

Luke does so. He is shocked to see the face underneath the mask: Hayden Christensen!

LUKE
Dude. You were never as cool as I was. You never even had a chance.

Vader/Anakid/Hayden's cybernetic chest opens. He takes out a device.

VADER/ANAKID/HAYDEN
Luke, take this Jedi Matrix Of Leadership.

LUKE
That reminds me of the Transformers.

VADER/ANAKID/HAYDEN
Transformers were important in the Prequels. They were the coolest CG droids... Till...all...are...one...

Vader/Anakid/Hayden dies.

INT. DEATH STAR, REACTOR

Lando and Wedge have reached the main reactor of the Death Star.

WEDGE
I'll take it out with a single shot!

Wedge shoots.

LANDO
I'll take it out with a single shot too!

Lando shoots.

They get out and the Death Star CG explodes...twice...

EXT. ENDOR - DAY

Everybody is happy to see the CG explosions.

Han turns to Leia.

HAN
I'll leave you and Luke alone.

LEIA
Thanks. Nothing can come between the love of a brother and a sister.

EXT. ENDOR, FOREST - EVENING

Luke burns his father's body, together with the Prequels.

LUCAS (V.O)
Noooooo! I shall have my revenge!

EXT. EWOK VILLAGE/CLOUD CITY/MOS EISLEY/MOS ESPA/THEED/OTOH GUNGA/TIPOCA CITY/CORUSCANT/GEONOSIS CITY/ALDERAAN/ETC/ETC/ETC.

Everybody celebrates everywhere.

EXT. EWOK VILLAGE - NIGHT

While the rebels and Ewoks join in a CG trooper barbecue, Luke walks a bit away.

Luke spots five ghosts: Obi-Wan, Yoda, Anakid, Mace Windu, and Qui-Gon Jinn.

YODA
Used you well, we have.

LUKE
Used me?

OBI-WAN
Yes, of course. You see, what I told you about the Chosen One was true. You were a tool to help the real hero of the saga, Anakiddie, fulfil the prophecy and complete his heroes journey.

LUKE
What?

QUI-GON
We never doubted that Anakid would bring Balance to the Force.

LUKE
Crap!

MACE WINDU
Everything went according to plan, and I mean EVERYTHING.

LUKE
Weak!

ANAKID
Luke, thanks for helping, although I didn't really need your help. I waited for the right moment to kill the emperor and defeat evil.
Too bad you got nasty with your own sister, or else you could join us here in Force-Heaven.

LUKE
You've gotta be kidding me!

Leia runs over to Luke.

LEIA
Wait! I'm not really Luke's sister!

LUKE
Huh?

LEIA
I am Princess Leia's royal decoy, her brave bodyguard, her loyal handmaiden, her perfect double, her obedient slave girl, her secret lover, every fanboy's fantasy, her unworthy spankable...

LUKE
Yes, alright! I get the point!
Where is the real Leia?

LEIA
She is far away, somewhere safe.

OBI-WAN
You must go find her, Luke. That is the way of the Sequels.

YODA
Impossible, that is. Scrapped plans for Sequels, Lucas did.

LUKE
Then what do I do now?

ANAKID
There is only one thing for you to do, my son. You must spend the rest of eternity in the Expanded Universe Hell!

LUKE
Noooooooooooo!

THE END
(ACTUALLY...TO BE MOST LIKELY CONTINUED IN A NEW VERSION)