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His face was pale blue in the rationed lighting. I stretched out on my right side. I watched his little chest rise and fall beneath the old blanket. His hair slipped down into his face and he scrunched up his nose. I pushed it back with my finger. "You're so sweet," I said. I stroked his cheek softly, careful not to wake him. "My little Jak. You are so sweet." He sighed, just as he would have done if he were awake, and flopped over on his stomach. I laughed quietly and patted his back.

The lights flickered and I glanced up. It was the ten second warning- soon the house would be dark. From outside I heard the sputtering of zoomers and speedracer slang. I pushed myself off the bed and ran to the wall. I opened the relief box and snapped the blue tubes. The eco lights would burn all night, until the ration officials found out and shut off the power in the morning. But by then it wouldn't matter. I swallowed. The lights sputtered, then shone at half power. Jak stirred, but didn't wake.

"Honey, I don't know where to start," I said. I looked over the whole house. "There's no one to clean up." I wrung my hands. "There's no one to leave it to." The lights started humming. I sat on the edge of the bed. "I don't know if this house will still be here when you get to your fates." I saw the tiny shapes of his feet under the blanket. "I think I know what they'll do when they find me, though."

My head was clear, but the thoughts were coming too fast. I felt scared. Now that Jak was asleep, I had no distractions. "They're gonna find me in a few days," I said, my voice cracking. "And they'll take me away, sweet one. But I don't know what'll happen to you." I looked up so that the tears wouldn't fall down my face. Damnit. Drusus said it was time to stop crying. I won't cry. I won't. I wiped my eyes with my shirt sleeve. "I have to do something."

I swept the floor and left the pile of dirt and flour by the door. I dug the First Rite skirt out from under the bed. It was ripped beyond all repair. I sighed and spread it out. Drusus' old shirts were still on the corner of the bed; neither Jak nor I had changed. I picked mine up and smelled it. The worn fibers hadn't held his scent in so long... I put the shirt on and lay the other on the floor. "It's time to get rid of these, I think." Jak had his new clothes to wear, and Drusus and I didn't need clothes anymore.

"Actually," I looked around the room doubtfully. "There's no need for any of this." I chewed the inside of my mouth. I should have offered our old things to the neighbors, or to Onin. When the Evac Team comes for me, everything in the house will go to Praxis. I frowned. He can't have this place. This is my home.

I ran to the cabinets and pulled out all my herbs and jars. "You can't have these," I vowed softly. "I would rather see them burn." My hand stopped at the little safe. What should I do with these? "White moon mushroom extract, I can't dump this in the Water Slums... but the Thrinaxian Leaf Powder..." I thought hard. Something at the back of my mind itched. I looked around the room again and sighed. The cookies and ingredients were everywhere. I smelled the fire at the back of the house.

"Must be the Nervate," I shook my head. "I can't seem to focus." My eyes settled on the skirt on the floor. "Oh Drusus," I said. "What's going to happen to Jak?"

There was no answer, only the humming of the busted eco lights. I shut my eyes, hoping there was some sort of answer inside. All I saw was the sickness of the city, the sadness and torture of a Slummer's life. Images of the Peace Maker and the Guards cut through. "Jak can't live like this," I whispered. I opened my eyes. "He can't. I won't let it happen." I looked at the bed, dim in the corner of the room. "Your fates will take care of your future, but I have to take care of the past."

"I have to believe," I said, striding over to the pile of cookies. "That your future is better than this. I have nothing else to hold on to." I picked up the squiggly heart cookie he had made. I kissed it. "You can't have this much pain, my sweet one. There is too much sadness in this house. I can't bear the thought of you remembering... me."

I dipped the edge of the cookie into the Leaf Powder. "Just enough to forget four short years." I blew on it. Purple powder swirled through the air. I waved it away. I wrapped the cookie in a bit of rag and shoved it into my pocket. "Now," I said, wiping my hands on my shirt. "Nothing in this house is going to that evil Praxis."

I dumped all the herbs and powders onto the clothing on the floor. "Everything," I muttered. The family's papers were under the bed. I pulled them out. Tiny, unintelligible print blurred across the pages. I squinted at them. The only words I knew were where Drusus and I had signed. I ripped them in half. "You'll have no past to chain you down, sweet one." The pieces fluttered and settled onto the herbs.

I wrapped everything in the clothes and brought it outside. The night was chilly and the warehouse lights were out. I wrapped the mantle around my shoulders. "That's warmer," I said. I shoved the stones aside and put the bundle in the fire. "Cilley makes up her own Rites for her son," I said with half a grin. "Give him the most beautiful city in the world. Give him the fates he deserves. Let our love keep him strong. Let him forget this place." I pushed the burning clothes around with a stick. A cloud of blackness rose, smelling strongly of burned leaves. I dumped the Thrinaxian Leaf Powder on top, holding my breath.

While the fire raged, I went inside. I piled our cookies on the counter. "Jak and Kor can take these in the morning." I looked at the skillet doubtfully. "I don't know what to do with you, yet." I hefted it in my hands. I couldn't burn it like the powders and clothes. The reliable metal shone dimly. I sighed. "Someone will find you and take you home." I set it on the counter and made sure there was nothing left in the cabinets. "Whoever finds the flour and the sugar can have it," I said, waving my hands over our new food.

I threw my midwife's bag into the fire and put the kettle over it. "That's everything," I said softly. I put the rocks around the edge of the kettle. The red and orange flames peeked out between them. "Except..." I went back into the house. Drusus' trophies stood in their ring. I picked up the small one. He smiled his eternal smile. I cradled the trophy. "Can't let go," I said. I looked around the room. The relief box. I walked over to it and wrenched out the tube board. Long wires trailed down, sparking. I carefully set the board on the floor and squinted into the wall.

"Can't see a thing. Hmm." I stuck my hand in and felt the thin insulation. With my fists, I punched the cheap material back as far as it would go. I touched the holopicture. The plastic was corrugated, and I ran my nail along its edge. "Love you." I placed the trophy on its side and pushed it into the wall. "They'll never take your smile," I said. I popped the tube board back into place and inspected its edge. It didn't look disturbed in the dim light.

I put the remaining trophies on the counter, next to the skillet. Each one had a golden plaque I couldn't read. I touched the tiny figures and spun the decorative zoomer handles. "I love you, Drusus," I said. I took a deep breath. It felt unbelievable- no pain in my lungs, no blood in my mouth. "You were right about the Nervate. Thank you, love." I swallowed and cleared my throat. "I love you, I love you." My voice dropped and I repeated it for a long time, spinning the zoomers with my finger.

Eventually, the noise of the night died. All I could hear was the humming of the lights, Jak's breathing, and my own soft voice. "I love you." I blinked and stepped away from the trophies. "Time to let the dirt out." I opened the door cautiously. There were no slummers or speedracers. I quickly swept the pile of debris out the door. I stood in the frame, breathing deeply. The air was morning-hours toxic, and I heard drunks and Doxies across the alleyway. In the distance, between the buildings and the needlepoint Palace, rays of golden yellow streamed. I shut the door and yawned.

I checked to make sure the fire was out, then flopped onto the bed. "Little one," I whispered. Jak didn't move. "You're going to get up soon." I kissed his face. "I love these eyes," I said. "I love this nose. I love your heart." I tickled his neck. "I love your toes. Get up, my sweet." Jak yawned. I yawned, too. He opened his big eyes. "Hello, honey. Did you dream sweet?"

He nodded. I pulled the blanket aside and crawled in next to him. "Oh, you're so warm." He giggled and tried to push my arms away. "No, no," I said, suppressing another yawn. "Let mommy hold you." He rolled his eyes and lay as still as he could. I shut my eyes and pressed my face against his. "I love you, honey. Do you know that?"

Jak rolled his eyes again. "Good. Kor is coming in a few minutes. Why don't you go have some breakfast? Have whatever you want that's on the counter. Save some for the Aged One." Jak nodded and squirmed out of my arms. I shut my eyes and yawned. My legs felt heavy. I felt his little hands push the blanket around my shoulders.

I heard Jak run around the room. My body slowly relaxed, and I held my eyelids open halfway. He scampered up to the bed and touched my face. 'Mommy?'

"Yes?"

He signed a confused mess of questions, mostly about the trophies and where everything in the cabinets had gone. "Shh, mommy's gonna sleep soon. Why don't you draw some pictures until Kor gets here?" I managed to reach one arm out from under the mantle and touch his face. "Be good. Things are changing, soon."

'Protector?'

"Yes." I yawned. My arm dropped from his face. He looked at me in alarm. "It's okay. Mommy is very tired." He touched my forehead. "No, I'm not sick anymore." He smiled and ducked out of view to scratch pictures into the floor.

Every once in a while a hand popped up to explain what he was drawing. I forced my body to the edge of the bed. "That's lovely," I whispered. Jak pointed out the palm trees and the water. He showed me the little hut he was going to live in. "Who's that, honey?" I couldn't point, but he knew what I was referring to.

'Dream friend.'

"Wonderful!" I shoved one heavy arm under my neck and motioned with my fingers. "C'mere, you."

He laughed silently and jumped up. I looked into his beautiful eyes. "Mommy wants you to know that I love you." He nodded. "You're going away soon." He frowned. "Mommy can't come with you. You are going to be a big boy, and do many wonderful things." Jak's eyes watered. "Please don't cry. You're going somewhere beautiful. Just like your dreams." He tugged my arm and shook his head. A loud noise startled us both. "Get the door, honey."

Jak ran over and opened it, wiping his face. "Ahh, hello young man!" I heard Kor's robes swish across the floor. "Where is your mother? Oh." Jak pulled him over where I could see him.

"Aged One," I said. I tried to nod.

"Good morning. Time is of the essence," Kor said softly. "Is he ready?"

"Almost." I groaned and demanded my tired arm to retrieve the rag in my pocket. "Take this, sweet one." I handed Jak the heart cookie. "It will make you forget all your sadness. I love you, honey." He hugged me and started to cry. "No, no," I tried to touch his face but my arms were too heavy. His tears fell into my eyes and I blinked slowly. "No crying. You're going to go with Kor now and have an adventure." I took a deep breath. "You're going to forget all your sadness. But you have to remember how special you are." I wished to Mar I could touch him again, but I could barely move. "You have a light inside that nothing can blacken. I love you. Now eat your cookie." He made the mommy sign, kissed my cheek, and stuffed the cookie in his mouth.

Jak's eyes faded to a soft sky blue. He looked around the room curiously. Kor bent slightly and took his hand. "Come on, Kid," he said. I felt my body sink into the bed. The door creaked open and they walked out into the light.

"Jak..." I breathed in deep and shut my eyes, slowly drifting into darkness.

And so it was, that the mother of a hero passed away unmourned. Those we treasure are never held highest without sacrifice and love.

Finivit

This story is now finished.
The sequel is called "The Trophy."
Thank you so much for reading!