The next day, Joey reluctantly went to the audition for the cab driver, but didn't get the part. Chandler took a day off work and returned most of Joey's furniture and sculptures to the various stores. He managed to save the big TV and the leather recliners from repossession, then he went to make sure that Eddie was moved out with his stuff.
"Ding dong, the psycho's gone!" Chandler told the others, but he had spoken too soon.
Apparently Eddie forgot all about moving out, and he came back with a stolen mannequin head. He even claimed that he and Chandler had gone a road trip to Vegas yesterday, and that Chandler had bought him new shoes.
Joey and Chandler were getting frustrated and impatient with Eddie, and they tried to figure out how to permanently get rid of him. Joey wanted to kick him out and change the locks, but Chandler said that Eddie knew how to pick locks. They realized that something more effective was necessary, and Joey suggested sending his tough sister Cookie after Eddie.
"You know. She's the one who shot her husband."
"Oh!" Chandler was taken aback, but he warned Joey that violence was probably not a good idea, so they talked over other options.
When Eddie came home one day, he found all his belongings in the street outside the building, and the locks on the apartment door had been changed too. He pounded on the door and angrily asked Chandler what was going on, but Joey and Chandler pretended to have never met Eddie and not know what he was talking about. Joey even said that he'd never moved out at all.
Their trick worked, and Eddie apologized and left, thoroughly confused.
Joey and Chandler hugged and celebrated by jumping up and down joyously.
Then Joey said with a kiss, "And if he forgets today and comes back again, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to punch him out or something."
Chandler smiled. "Okay. But let's do some more celebrating while he's gone." He took Joey's hand and led the way back to his bedroom.
They were excited and to be at home together at last, and Eddie never came back. Joey was a bit sad to lose most of his furniture and art from the other apartment, Chandler cheered him up with kisses and promised that when they had money to spare later, they would buy some new things that Joey wanted.
"You mean it?"
"Yeah. You're right. My sofa bed's getting old, and it was cool having that ping-pong table at your apartment."
"Cool! Thanks Chandler."
Meanwhile, their other friends noticed how affectionate the guys were since their reunion, but did not suspect that they were lovers now. Joey and Chandler were always unusually close, and had acted brokenhearted during their recent time apart.
Sandra Green also moved into Joey's uptown apartment and was happy to get away her former Long Island home with Rachel's father. There were too many bitter memories there for her to gloat about taking the mansion away from him. But she knew enough not to intrude too much on Rachel's life with her friends; generally Mrs. Green hung out with rich divorced friends who were her age, and she spoiled her youngest daughter (who was due to graduate college soon) with shopping sprees at all the finest stores in Manhattan.
Joey and Chandler dated in secret, but then they made the mistake of hanging out with Richard too much. Chandler even grew a mustache while Joey took up cigars, though he didn't smoke them. Monica became jealous of the guys monopolizing her boyfriend's time, and she complained.
They apologized, but Joey let it slip that he and Chandler thought of Richard as a cool father figure.
Richard was crestfallen, and Chandler's attempt to save the situation was lame and unconvincing.
"No no, seriously! Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work."
"That's fine," Richard said. "Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening, and I guess I'll just see you kids around."
"Nighty-night," Monica gloated as they left.
Chandler complained childishly, "I can't believe you got us into trouble," and slapped Joey's arm irritably.
Joey slapped him back, Chandler slapped again, then Joey slapped twice before running into his room. Chandler chased him inside and shut the door.
They had a juvenile slapping fight until they tumbled onto Joey's bed together.
Chandler landed on top. "How could you tell him that we think of him as a dad?"
"Hey, how was I supposed to know it was a secret?"
"Couldn't you tell when I kicked you?"
Joey wrestled his way on top and grumbled about his bruises. "That hurt! You couldn't tell me nicely, huh? Like this?" He pinched Chandler's butt and startled him.
"Hey!" Chandler fought back, and tried to protest that pinching each other was hardly something they could do in front of Monica and Richard.
Joey was getting turned on though, and he interrupted Chandler with a deep kiss. Chandler stopped resisting, and they sank against the bed.
As they embraced, Chandler sighed and murmured fondly, "I can't stay mad at you, Joe."
Joey grinned. "Will you kiss my bruises now, like I did for you?"
"What? Come on, I didn't kick you that hard."
"Please! Come on, do it for your big daddy."
"What?" Chandler's eyes opened wide.
Joey explained, "You told Richard that I was your dad."
"I also said Monica was my dad, and I'm not sleeping with her!"
Joey shrugged. "I know, but I was thinking we could try out a new nickname, you know? Instead of calling me 'honey' and stuff, call me 'big daddy.'"
Chandler laughed and shook his head. "No, I don't think so."
"How about, 'Dragon'?"
"No!" He laughed harder, and wondered how Joey could suggest such ridiculous names with a serious face.
Joey pouted. "You're no fun."
"Oh, yeah?" Chandler wrestled with him again, and pinched Joey's butt in return.
They started kissing and undressing each other in a playful way. While they made out, Joey paused and suggested that Chandler shave off his moustache.
Chandler asked, "Why? If you give me time, I can grow one just as cool as Richard's."
"Yeah, but do I wanna be kissing you, or Richard? Anyway, it reminds me of that time you had a goatee when I first moved in, and that reminds me of Eddie's goatee..."
"Oh! Say no more. I'm shaving this thing off."
"I'll help you. But first, you gotta kiss my bruises!"
Chandler gave in, and he paid special attention to kissing and massaging Joey's sensitive feet and toes.
Then they made love. That was the first night that Joey and Chandler went all the way sexually. They'd been naked together and done other stuff before, but until now, it had only been some fooling around in bed followed by literal sleeping together. This time, Chandler was completely relaxed and caught up in the passion, so they didn't stop prematurely.
They tasted and touched each other all over, and Joey even offered Chandler a blowjob, though he was inexperienced at giving one. Still, he tried, and then they wound up rubbing and groping each other until they came that night.
As they recovered, Joey kissed him tenderly, and Chandler suggested that they tell their friends about them tomorrow, instead of sneaking around so much.
"Really, you ready for that?" They'd only been more than friends for the last couple of weeks, and Chandler was such a commitment-phobe with women.
"Yeah," Chandler nodded sincerely. "I'm ready."
Joey smiled and kissed him, saying for the first time, "I love you."
Chandler was deeply touched. "I love you, Joe." They made love again, getting a little better with practice.
The next day, after Chandler had shaved his mustache, but before Joey and Chandler had yet decided exactly how to break the news to their friends, Chandler and Ross had an unpleasant encounter with two bullies in Central Perk.
Ross and Chandler went upstairs to Monica's apartment to relate their harassment to their friends.
Chandler said, "The mean guys at the coffeehouse took my hat."
Everyone was shocked, and Joey asked in disbelief, "You're kidding?"
But they weren't, and Ross added, "It was ridiculous. You know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, you know. We're grown ups; this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
"Ohhh," Rachel spoke sympathetically and went over to hug Ross.
Chandler saw them and envied the fact that these two were acknowledged as a couple, but he and Joey weren't yet. So he turned to Joey and held out his arms for a hug.
Joey looked at him as if to ask, "Now?" and Chandler shrugged as if to reply, "Now's as good a time as any."
So Joey hugged him close, and Chandler kissed him, right in front of everybody.
The others gasped and asked what was going on.
Chandler put his head against Joey's shoulder, and Joey explained, "Well, we're, uh, we're going out now."
"What?" Monica asked.
Rachel said, "No! Seriously?"
Ross protested, "Joey, you're not gay!"
Chandler noticed that no one protested that he wasn't gay, and he rolled his eyes.
Joey replied, "Well, things changed after I moved out, Ross. I thought about Chandler all the time and I wanted him. And now we're in love, okay?"
"Yeah, you and Rachel aren't the only ones," Chandler said.
Ross was speechless and stunned, trying to process the idea that Joey could be gay. Rachel asked for gossip about when they started kissing and doing it, but Joey dismissed these questions with embarrassment.
He cleared his throat and suggested that he and Chandler go back to the coffeehouse and try to get his hat back.
Chandler said, "Nah, forget it. Just buy me a new hat... and do other stuff to cheer me up."
Joey grinned and followed Chandler back to their apartment.
The others watched them go and realized how obviously in love they were. They had to tell Phoebe the news later, because she went off to try meeting her father, but instead discovered that she had a half-brother named Frank Jr. She was happy for Joey and Chandler, but not particularly shocked. "I saw it in their auras lately."
Ross and Chandler eventually stood up to the bullies while Joey attended his niece's christening and wondered whether he should come out to his family as well, but he decided that it was too soon.
Meanwhile, Monica got a new job at a 1950s diner and broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. Phoebe had a brief reunion with her Navy submarine guy, Ryan, and that put her in the mood to try contacting her other old flame, David the physicist.
Chandler loaned his computer to her and showed her how to look him up and send him an email. So they chatted online and wrote each other email love letters. Phoebe decided to find some way to get a passport and visit him. (Hers had been revoked during that time that she lived in Prague and caused an incident.) So she schemed to steal Ursula's passport and everyone helped her get a plane ticket to Minsk.
Phoebe and David had a wonderful, passionate reunion, and he considered quitting his research and coming back to America. Phoebe wasn't sure if she could ask him to do that, and she considered whether or not she could stand to move to Minsk, so far away from her friends, and the new family she'd discovered. The matter remained unresolved for a while, until David lost one of his toes to frostbite, and he decided that this pain, and his heartache, was not worth it. So he found a physics teaching position at NYU and moved back to New York. Phoebe was very happy, and wrote him a love song.
Monica tried to get over Richard and focus on her career for a while. Then she eventually met a wacky software millionaire named Pete, who even bought her a restaurant.
Joey got a part in a Warren Beatty movie, kissing a guy, and Chandler was jealous for a while, but got over it when Joey insisted that it was just acting, and he was committed to Chandler. He moved into Chandler's bedroom and they made the other room into a game room. Chandler kept his promise to let Joey do some decorating in the apartment.
The Warren Beatty movie actually served as Joey's big break, and he soon began getting other, better roles. A year later, the movie premiere also helped them come out to Joey's parents. They remarked that they'd been doing some kissing off-screen, and they were a couple now. The Tribbianis were shocked by this announcement, but they couldn't accuse Joey of behaving immorally without looking like hypocrites: Joseph Sr. still had his mistress Ronni, and Gloria still knew and wanted the affair to continue.
Then Chandler told his parents as well, and ended his estrangement from his father in Vegas. Joey's family eventually came around, and were there when Joey and Chandler got married. Eventually, Joey made enough money that Chandler could quit his horrible job and start a new career. They also got a pet chick and duck, and all of them lived happily ever after.
[I know I rushed the ending, but I didn't want this to turn into another big unfinished story. Just assume that Pete never did that Ultimate Fighting Champion thing, and he and Monica had babies together. Assume that Chandler's jealousy about the Warren Beatty movie got resolved like the incident with Monica and the male nurse in TOW The Triplets, rather than like the disaster with Kathy and her co-star Nick in TOW Rachel's Crush.
You can also assume that Ross never slept with Chloe because of a chain reaction: Joey and Chandler were together and not drooling over the copy girl Chloe, Phoebe was with David and not dating that UN diplomat Sergei, and Monica therefore didn't date Sergei's translator, so she was available that night to talk some sense into both Rachel and Ross about the breakup. But if you don't like Ross and Rachel as a couple, picture them breaking up and having some happy ending with other people.
In the uncut version of TOW Old Yeller Dies, after Chandler slaps Joey's arm, Joey slaps him back, Chandler slaps again, then Joey slaps twice before running into his room. Chandler chases him and they shut the door behind them. So, no, I didn't entirely make that up. Oh, and Joey tries out the nickname "Dragon" in TOW The Girl from Poughkeepsie, and "Big Daddy" in season 7, during TOW All The Cheesecakes.]