To Alva Keel his companions mean the world to him even if he doesn't show
it. Its Judgement day on earth as Craig's Prophecy comes true, Alva
reflects in a letter about himself and his fears. This story is not for the
light-hearted folks and it is nothing like my other stories. He does ramble
on a bit...
"I'm so high I can hear heaven,
I'm so high I can hear heaven,
No but heaven. No heaven
Don't hear me...."
Chad Kroger- Hero
I hate to be alone, to have no-one to speak to or to love. It's a stupid
fear really and you wouldn't think that someone like me could be affected
by it but I do. I guess some things to do with human nature are more
unexplainable than what people would deem paranormal.
Like when my mother passed away. I as a human wreck of devastation because
the very first person that I loved and who loved me back was simply gone.
Not fully gone, forgive me, but gone enough so that I could no longer see
her loving face, hear her sweet comforting words or tell her just how much
I loved her and how much I needed her to be there for me. I know she's
probably still there somewhere, trapped on this earthly plane, and I think
she still loves her Mango but without the reassurance of actually seeing
her it's hard to have faith I'm still loved. So I hate her for leaving me
alone to face whatever without any way of contact.
"Faith"- what an interesting word. Faith that no matter what we are sent to
face someone up there is peering down ready to support us and help us
vulnerable mortals. I think I had faith once, the kind of faith like a
child has, but since I've explored the realms of other people's faith mine
has seemed to vanish. Even the loving God, who took my mother so easily,
has left me alone.
Paul has faith, I know he tries to hide it, but I can see it burning in his
eyes that the next case we see will give them the answers he desperately
desires. I wish that I could be more like Paul. I know how he sees me,
arrogant and aloof with as much compassion as an extremely uncompassionable
fence picket. I hide things from him to try and save him some pain, because
he has faced so much pain already, but it seems that by trying to help him
I drive him further and further away. I want a chance to show him exactly
what his friendship means to me but in order to stop myself from getting
hurt I manage to drive another wedge in our lives. I always thought that I
would follow him straight to the gates of Hell; he's just one of these
people. At the gate I would ask, no beg the gatekeeper to take me instead
because I know now how much the world needs Paul. How much Evie needs Paul.
If the gamekeeper wouldn't take my bargain then I suppose I'd go right into
Hell with him and just be there so that when he next cries or feels pain
then I will feel it also. It's funny that now I know that the earth is
going straight to Hell I'm more prepared then ever to be alone.
How alone could I have been with Evie by my side? Not very. It kills me
inside when I snap at her off-the-cuff or I treat her as an expendable
thing. I can't lose Evie. There's no way she would leave me alone. Unless
she goes to start a family... with Paul... then I lose them both and I couldn't
cope. Evie is like a second mother and I saw how quickly she left me alone.
I'm really going to lose them all.
There is far too much fear in this world for mine.
But I don't want to be.
Alone. All Alone Alva.
I won't. I can resist.
I am strong.
I am not alone any more.