|An Idiot in the Jedi Temple
Author: padawanjinx PM
**CHAPTER 7 IS NOW UP** This is a story of what happened when I went to Coruscant.It's silly & warped...Thank you for your patience... dont forget to R&R like a good little Paddle-wan .. heheRated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 45,836 - Reviews: 122 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 03-17-04 - Published: 04-04-00 - id: 17900
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
AN: I'm BACK!!! I'm SOO sorry I haven't updated this fic in such a long time. In all honesty the muse just wasn't cooperating with me. I have finished other projects and uploaded them, so now its time to go back to one of my first fics and see if I can pick up where I left off. This will be a short chapter, as I really need to reacquaint myself with the SW uni. I have gotten used to Tolkiens world and I have to remember what all went on here. Bear with me.
HUGE THANK YOU to those that reviewed and sent me emails asking for another chapter of my craziness. Your words were greatly appreciated and I cant thank you enough for your enthusiasm and good humor at my antics. This chapter wont be very long because I have a rather full plate of other fics at the moment and this one is being written as quickly as possible to be uploaded as a THANKS. Also, I hope that my grammar and punctuation is much better than at the beginning. Please excuse the mistakes I hope they are less and as always, your thoughts and comments are welcomed and appreciated. J
SO before I get mushy… for a full disclaimer, see other chapters.
AN IDIOT IN THE JEDI TEMPLE
With a growing sense of dread I followed behind Qui towards the lift. After he had received the rather loud and obnoxious in my opinion comm., he had kept his face neutral, and motioned for the two of us to follow him towards the council chambers. I kept in Obi's shadow, hoping that I would either A. Be struck by lightning while inside the temple, B. be dinner to the floor that I wished would open up and gobble me whole, or C. have Obi turn and say the council be damned, we were off to a remote moon to make mad passionate love for the rest of our lives. no such luck on that thought
As we entered the lift, I tried to make my way to the back, to hide in a corner, but Qui's strong hands on my shoulders prevented me from making any such moves. not to mention curbed my thoughts of running
"Don't even think about it," Qui's voice sounded low and dangerous.
"I don't think," I quipped, my voice stronger than what I felt. "Its too painful. I enjoy my state of ignorant bliss."
Obi cracked a smile, but quickly dashed it as Qui's demeanor didn't change. He bowed his head, knowing his master would have a reprimand in store for him later.
I felt guilty for getting Obi into trouble, I really did. I don't think he's had much fun in his life. poor wittle boo! I sighed and relaxed under Qui's hold and leaned against him. All the running and causing havoc had worn me down. I must be getting old! gasp! Horror! Shock!
Qui lessened his grip as the lift sped towards the council chambers, and I just knew, my potential doom. I had worn out my welcome and now they had lost all their patience with me. I was dead meat, and I couldn't help but think what kind I would be, considering I'm a vegetarian.
As the lift doors opened, we walked towards the council doors and I swear it was like walking the final steps of my life. I just KNEW there was a gallows in the chambers and I was going to be strung up for all the trouble I caused. and for some reason I kept picturing THE GREEN MILE in my head
The doors opened and I was steered into the center of the room by Qui. Obi followed quietly behind, his head bowed and food still decorating his robes.
Mace Windu sat in his chair, looking like a death row inmate that hasn't seen a female in decades and just dying to release some sexual tension. For some reason though, I don't think that's his problem. though it might be, who knows?
"Do you have any idea what you have done?" Mace asked in a hushed tone.
I gulped and pulled away from Qui's grip and stood directly in front of the dark master, "I squashed food in Obi's face and threw it at people I didn't even know. I made a huge mess and actually," I gave a false laugh, "Made some of you stuffy Jedi have FUN."
Mace narrowed his eyes, "You call the mess and chaos 'fun?'"
"Yeah," I managed to say though for some reason I was starting to feel rather helpless and vulnerable. God I hate that feeling!
Mace rose slowly from his chair and took a couple steps towards, closing the gap, "Several initiates were injured from the food fight. They were struck by food that their species is highly allergic too. Had the healers not been quick, they would have died."
"Died?" I repeated faintly. It didn't occur to me that someone would have an allergic reaction to a food fight. Obi didn't warm me about that part!
"Died," Mace punctuated with a look of pure daggers. "Because of your foolishness, lives could have been lost."
I have never felt so nauseous in my life, and that includes being active in dissections, seeing horrible car accidents, and walking in on cousin and his boyfriend. I shuttered and clutched my stomach, where some pasta stuff squished under my hand. "I didn't realize that someone could die from being touched by food."
"Touch it, they did not," Yoda said, withdrawing from his chair and coming to stand next to Windu, giving him a reproachful look. "Laughed they did. Food accidentally was swallowed. A simple mistake it was."
"It was swallowed?" I asked, looking between the two masters.
"It doesn't matter,' Windu said trying to turn away.
I reached out and grabbed his arm, preventing him from leaving, "Like hell it doesn't! You laid on this guilt trip and you will stay for the full journey!"
"What is that supposed to mean?" Windu snapped, glaring at me.
I gave him a look of pure contempt and said, "I have no clue, but it sounded good."
A vein throbbed on the side of Mace's head as he took in what I said. With forced calm he stammered, "You speak in riddles!"
"And you don't?" I retorted. "It seems to be common practice for all Jedi to be some sort of mystic. Speaking backwards and never saying what is truly on their minds. Always keeping this 'better than you' air about you."
"Not many can feel the force," Mace stated plainly.
"And those that do have no sense of humor," I snapped back.
"We do not see the need for humor when there are lives at stake and entire planets on the verge of complete destruction," Windu ground out.
"I didn't say you needed to laugh at other people's misfortune," I answered. "I just mean that Jedi always seem so….calm… surreal…not appreciative of mirth at all."
"We each find our own amusement," Windu said flatly and turned away to walk back to his chair.
I grinned wickedly and reached out, clamping both my hands on his butt cheeks. The room was deadly silent. He yelped and who wouldn't? and jumped from my reach. "AH HA! I KNEW IT!"
"Young lady you trend on dangerous ground," Mace said with fire in his eyes. wouldn't that burn?would Visine help?
"I was right," I said, placing my hands on my hips.
"Right about what?" Mace seethed. reminding me of a sprinkler system
"You're a tight ass," I said sarcastically. "Don't get me wrong, it's a nice ass to be sure, but damn honey, how can you walk without ya cheeks squeaking?"
Mace stalked forward, hands balled into fights that made
his knuckles turn white, and that's a feat, let me tell ya! "I should have you
thrown out of the temple…."
Mace never finished what he said because Yoda stepped before him and held him in a force hold. I wanna learn how to do that! "Send her away we will not. Control yourself you will."
Mace took a couple minutes to calm down. His eyes flashed, his nostrils flared, and he panted like a winded rhino. I could tell he was not very happy at the moment. maybe he needs some loosening up a bit?
"Tell ya what," I said after Mace had calmed down enough and Yoda released him from the force hold, "After I testify tomorrow, I will wish to return home and you shall never be inflicted to suffer me again."
Obi and Qui made a strange noise, but I wasn't paying much attention. My focus was upon the master before me, who looked slightly taken aback at what I said. "What?"
"Do you have corn in your ears?" I asked as Obi snorted and I distinctly heard something being withdrawn noisily from an auditory canal. "I'll go home and never come back. Will that make you happy?"
Windu stuttered, "I did not mean for you to go into exile as such."
"I'm not going into exile," I huffed, giving him a frown. "Its just that, if I cause you that much unrest, even though we've had some great times together and learned a lot and I helped you gather information about a known badass and will be testifying, putting MYSELF in a dangerous position to help your ungrateful ass, then I shall inflict my presence on you no longer. After my testimony, I'll go home and throw away the stone…or decide to go to another world. Middle Earth sounds good right about now." shameless plug here
Mace seemed to struggle with himself… which is a very interesting concept all into itself but I digress. After a moment of thought, he sighed, "I do not wish for you to leave and never return. Though you have proven most annoying I beamed cheekily and full of information the unless kind I do not wish you to act so rashly."
I checked my arms, then pulled up my shirt to look at my belly, "No rash here, Windy. You ok? You seeing spots?"
Windu gave an exasperated sigh and shook his head, "You have proven most distracting."
"Thanks, I think," I said, not sure to take that as a compliment or an insult.
Yoda sighed heavily, and returned to his chair, "Witnessed so much emotion I have. Never thought to see this day." He chuckled in his strange melodic voice. "Most deceiving and most energetic I have known."
"WOW," I said with wide eyes, "That's like eight hundred years or so, right?"
Yoda's ears twitched and they look cute when they do that, "Know this how?"
I shrugged, "It was an educational guess… I think." wow, there's that word again!
"So?" I asked when everyone settled themselves in their seats and silence hung once again.
"So what?" Mace asked with a touch of annoyance. I think he's still a bit cheesed at me
"So as in, are Obi and I in trouble and are we going to be punished," I asked, then grinned wickedly, "I wouldn't mind being punished. Do I get to pick where and when?"
Mace rolled his eyes and put his head in his hand which I didn't know it popped off and sighed, "There is no punishment but yes, you both are in trouble."
"Damn," I pouted, tapping my foot. "And here I was looking forward to good whooping. Nothing like a little pain to make one happy."
"I'd take her over my knee, but she would enjoy it," Qui said flatly, shaking his head.
I turned to him and grinned, "Oh yeah, and probably be asking for more." I bent over slightly, made pained face and whimpered, "Whip me, beat me, make me write bad checks and call you Clive!"
Obi snickered and lowered his head to keep the others from seeing his face. His shoulders shook silently so it didn't take a genius to guess what was wrong. he was bawling like a school girl… right?
"A punishment may be in order," Yoda said.
My face instantly changed to a shocked expression, "Yoda, you didn't talk back asswards! Are you ok?"
Yoda huffed and tapped his stick, "Talk this way, I do not!"
"Do or do not, there is always another chance if you miss it the first time," I said smugly.
Yoda's huge green eyes blinked a few times as a sound not unlike a snort emanated from a padawan learner standing nearby.
After a stretch of silence, to which I pondered why silence needed to be so limber, I sighed, "I'm hungry."
"But you just ate!" Obi said through snickers.
"I didn't eat much. Most of it was flying through the air with the greatest of ease," I said, folding my arms across my chest. "You're wearing my lunch! What am I to do? Lick it off you?" double implication intended there folks "Mind you, it wouldn't be a bad idea."
I grin wickedly and started to stalk Obi like a daigon on angel dust. btw, I don't condone or do recreational drugs of any kind As I take slow, deliberate steps towards him, my hands wringing in front of me as I think of what I'm about to dine on, I feel a strong hand across the back of my neck and I swear, I nearly fainted. do Jedi know of the Vulcan neck pinch?!
Qui's voice draws my attention away from the padawan now
shied away in a corner with a frightened look on his face, "You are not going
to lick my padawan."
"Why not? He does look tasty!" I smiled. "I mean, look at that adorable face, those sexy legs. I mean, the boy just screams 'I'm a delicacy!'"
My advance is halted by a tug and my neck being held in a vice-like grip. I squirm around and finally come face to face with Qui, well, face to mid-chest anyway. I look up, cricking my neck to get a good angle on him and smile sweetly.
"What's up, Qui?"
"You are not eating Obi-Wan," Qui says plainly.
"Fine," I said, relaxing. "I would nibble on you, but your too damn tough."
Obi snickers. The masters in the room hide their smiles behind their hands, while some try to cover up their laughter.
I grab Qui's arm and give him a few squeezes, progressing over his arms, shoulders, chest and waist, "I mean look at this! You're all gamy and tough, and not enough meat on your bones. I mean, you'd probably give me horrible gas!"
Qui looses his cool and actually snorted, shaking his head, "Such talk from you!"
"It's one of the talents my mouth can do," I sneer.
Qui lets go and shakes his head, "I wonder at the others."
I grin innocently, "Well I was going to show Obi, but you prevented that. I guess I will have to leave it to your imagination."
Qui-Gon narrows his eyes suspiciously and gives me a dirty look. if he says 'Come on punk, make my day' I am SO out of there!
"It was only a joke, my little gamy pigeon," I sigh, though it was only partially true. "Can we find something to eat?"
Mace waves his hand, not trusting his voice as he sees Qui glare at me. Yoda mumbles that 'May the force be with you' crap and start towards the door. As we are leaving, I hear someone call out, "Do not forget your place."
I turn, frowning, "Who are you talking to? Me or them?"
The room is quiet, exchanging looks with one another. Finally, Mace straightens in his chair, "To what are you referring?"
"That whole 'don't forget your place' business," I said, putting my hands on my hips.
Another look was exchanged between the masters, "We said nothing," a female master said.
"I could have sworn I heard someone say it!" I glared from face to face, trying to find the culprit. NO such luck. They have the facial composure of the gamy pigeon standing in the doorway. "Fine!"
With that final word I stormed past Qui, Obi following behind me. I hear some mumbles then the door close and hear Qui's footsteps not far off. Soon enough he catches up with me that man has the longest legs!! and gives me a sidelong glance.
I don't feel like talking so I continue to storm, going no where in particular. Qui puts his hand on my shoulder and steers me in the desired direction and we make it to my door in no time. I still don't remember walking to it
We go inside and I automatically find one of my duffels and search for any kind of junk food. I'm on a major incline and I need sugar, FAST! Finding half of a Kit Kat, I stuff it in my mouth and pace back and forth, not wanting to talk or even look at the Jedi standing quietly in the room.
"I don't think I've ever seen her this quiet," Obi whispers but I can still hear him.
"Bite me, Braid Boy," I snap, still pacing and refusing to meet their gazes.
"There is no need to be so defensive," Qui states, tucking his hands into his sleeves. "What has gotten you so agitated?"
"Number one, my blood sugar is low," I said, now walking circles around the room. "Number two, I heard something that no one admits to saying, so I think I'm losing what little of a mind I possess. Third, I'm hungry! Forth, this trip has been an emotional rollarcoaster and I don't recall buying a ticket! Fifth, I'm noticing there is a lot of prying eyes. Sixth, I'm hungry!"
"Prying eyes?" Obi asked.
I stop by a large window that overlooks Coruscant and give Obi a frown, "Everywhere I have went, people are staring at me! They keep looking around and then I see some that turn away when I catch them staring."
"Well, you do behave, talk, and dress strangely. It is only natural that the others be curious," Qui said calmly.
"The others I can understand, but I noticed it too in the council chambers. Three different masters gave me funny looks," I felt like eating all the chocolate I could get my hands on. strange feeling
"Funny looks? Describe funny looks," Obi said, standing beside his master.
"Oh, I don't know,' I said, then stuck out my tongue, crossed my eyes, stuck my fingers in my ears and blew a loud raspberry, "Nothing like that mind you. Just watching me closely. Gee, for Jedi, you aren't really observant."
I had just started to snicker when Obi ran at me. His shoulder collided with my chest and we both went crashing to the floor. Qui was igniting his saber and in a flash, was thrusting the blade through the window.
Obi and I tumbled a few times before we stopped, me plastered to the floor and wondering what the hell just happened. I rose and peeked over Obi's shoulder and saw a strange robotic thingy, hovering outside my window. Qui's green blade was buried right in the middle of the control panel on its midsection. Qui withdrew his blade and the thing clanked against the glass and slowly slid down the pane and out of sight.
"Jeepers," I squeaked and pulled Obi's robes over my head and tucked myself under him. "I'm soooo dead! That bitch will make sure I'm TOAST!"
AN: Yeah yeah yeah, I know.. not up to my usual wackiness but I have a good excuse. The other muse has long since abandoned me so now I write more plot driven with twists of course fics that don't have a lot of silliness or random thoughts to them. Sorry this chapter was rather dry and not up to my usual standards for craziness. I shall try to do better.
Also, for the couple of people that emailed me and said it was a Mary Sue… Well if you read the first disclaimer, I said that "I", as in MYSELF, ME, PERSONALLY, have/had this adventure. I would dearly love to have Ewan McGregor, but I don't think his wife would be too happy about that. So, I will just enjoy writing about one of his characters and though most MS's end up snogging the object of their desire, notice how I hint what I would do/like to do and yet, I never DO anything. Is it a MS if you just show up to wreck havoc and enjoy seeing others exasperated with you ?