Disclaimer: Red Dwarf is not mine. The Despairomorph is mine, and that's
pretty much it.
DespairMorph- PolyMorph III
Scene 1: Red Dwarf flies through space, with a StarBug flying away from it.
HOLLISTER: (VO) This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the
mining ship Red Dwarf. Following the acquisition of an escape pod from the
SS Hermes, we discovered the horrible truth behind that ship's destruction.
Scene 2: Red Dwarf Landing Bay 2
[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading
towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some
gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole
section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]
KRYTEN: The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes- it's on Red Dwarf!
[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
RIMMER: The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the
one Talia whatsername arrived on.
LISTER: We've gotta go back and tell them.
RIMMER: But what about our escape?
LISTER: It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now,
they've got a chance to work on an antidote.
RIMMER: You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?
KOCHANSKI: No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.
RIMMER: Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.
Scene 3: Captain's Office.
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[The CAPTAIN is seated, facing a camera, which bleeps as it powers up,
expanding its aperture until it has him in tight focus]
HOLLISTER: After we were informed about the situation, we went over our
options. The only way to defeat the virus was for one of the crew to travel
to a mirror universe where the virus would become its own antidote.
Scene 4: Recovery Room
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]
[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the
centre of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of
light streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it.
The light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing
concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on
the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]
KRYTEN: If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror
universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't
know until we get there.
[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his
right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]
Scene 5: Mirror universe, Recovery room
[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up
the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and
that its contents have turned white]
Scene 6: Captain's Office
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLISTER: Unfortunately, Rimmer took along a sample of the virus, which
then became its own antidote, and then had the scientist there write down
the formula, instead of asking for the opposite of what he had. Thus, when
Rimmer got back, the formula was for the virus, not the antidote. This left
us with only one option.
Scene 7: Corridor outside recovery room
[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from ruptured
pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship trembles
alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all around. RIMMER
pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in panic]
RIMMER: Wha - Where is everyone?
DISPENSER: They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror
universe. You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I
*suppose* that makes you Captain - congratulations, Cap.
RIMMER: Smeg off!
Scene 8: Captain's office.
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLISTER: However, while Rimmer was running around panicking, he'd
forgotten about both Holly's- the senile one, and the smart one, neither of
whom had been able to come along to the mirror universe, sine the smart one
was too vast, and ex- third technician David Lister, serving two years in
the brig with Rimmer, dropped the watch that had the senile Holly loaded
Scene 9: Drive Room
[HOLLY and R.D. Holly present on monitor]
[Drive Room walls are beginning to dissolve under the virus]
HOLLY: Well, guess this is it- we're well and truly finally smegged.
R.D. HOLLY: Well, no, actually. I've realised something.
HOLLY: What would that be?
R. D. HOLLY: Where those nanobots that brought us back to life are.
HOLLY: What, it took you this long? Why'd you only get it now? I thought
you had an I.Q. of 6000
R.D. HOLLY: 6182, actually. To answer your question, the nanobots are
there. [Nods towards SKUTTERS, who are rolling around near the wall with
the virus] If the nanobots weren't in the skutters, the virus would have
eaten them up by now.
HOLLY: Now, why didn't I think of that?!
Scene 10: Captain's office.
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLISTER: Working together, the senile Holly persuaded the skutters to
crash into the walls and releasing the nanobots, and the smart Holly
programmed them to counter the virus. Since a virus is, technically, a
living creature, it couldn't cope with the nanobots rebuilding Red Dwarf
while it tried to destroy the ship, and the 'bots themselves were to small
for the virus to get them. The virus wore itself out, and then the nanobots
rebuilt everything before vanishing once again. Currently, the Canaries
have been sent off on a mission to investigate a very interesting signal
from the nearby planet, believed to be a ship that could get us home.
[HOLLISTER reaches over and turns off camera.]
HOLLISTER: Ah, Todhunter. Have you got any information regarding the Canary
TODHUNTER: One bit of information, sir. Apparently, it consists of only a
team of five.
HOLLISTER: [Sitting up and staring at TODHUNTER with rage.] FIVE?!! What
happened to the rest?
TODHUNTER: Apparently, Rimmer had to be put in the medical bay due to the
terror of the virus, and hitting his head on a loose deck plate that has
made him delusional. He claims to have kicked Death in the groin, which
cannot have happened, as you know. He's been classified as mentally
unbalanced at best.
HOLLISTER: That's one Canary. What about the others?
TODHUNTER: They were trapped in parts of the ship that the nanobots hadn't
got to yet, sir. They're in the Medi- bay as well.
HOLLISTER: [Calming down with visible effort.] OK, OK, I got that. What
Canaries are on the mission?
TODHUNTER: [Pulling out a small list] Kill Crazy, Lister, Kochanski, Cat
and Kryten. They're in a new version of Starbug that is programmed to go
down that ship, and then come back. Any interference, and it explodes.
HOLLISTER: Well, at least that's going well.
Scene 11: Starbug Cockpit.
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN and KILL CRAZY present.]
CAT: Suicide duty AGAIN??!!
LISTER: C'mon, Cat, it's not that bad.
KOCHANSKI: Dave's right, we don't even know if there's anything dangerous
on the ship yet.
CAT: The ship? You think I'm worried about the ship?! It's this suit! It's
going to kill off all my fashion sense it I have to wear it for this
KRYTEN: Sir, please, there is no need to worry.
CAT: NO NEED??!!
LISTER: Yeah. I mean, well, you still have the same taste in clothes as
when you were put in the brig last year.
CAT: Yeah, but I haven't worn 'em in that time!
KILL CRAZY: Quiet back there, willya? We're nearly ready to burn up
investigating that ship or dying in the attempt!
LISTER: [Indicating KILL CRAZY] How come he wasn't incapacitated like the
KRYTEN: He was so busy trying to be suicidal in so many places at once, his
brain couldn't take it and he suffered a brief seizure.
KOCHANSKI: He suffered a brief seizure? How brief is brief?
KRYTEN: Five minutes, ma'am. My nanobots fixed him when they got to him.
Scene 12: S. S. Zoology Docking Bay
[Looks like Red Dwarf's, but has several various claw marks and blasts in
it, and some empty cages.]
[Starbug lands. Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN, and KILL CRAZY.]
LISTER: Gloomy, isn't it? What is this place?
KRYTEN: The S. S. Zoology, sir.
CAT: How'd you know that?
KRYTEN: I was briefly stationed on this ship, sir. However, I was viewed to
be not very useful on its mission, and was transferred to the Nova V.
KOCHANSKI: What was the cargo?
KRYTEN: Several various breeds of GELF, ma'am. It's rumoured that they may
have carried...[Looks around a little to make sure KILL CRAZY can't hear, and
CAT: No, not those guys! I don't want to become Dwane Dibbley again!
KOCHANSKI: That guy you pretended to be when we tried to escape? Why'd you
KRYTEN: It's really quite simple, ma'am. We were once attacked by a Despair
Squid that made us hallucinate that we were people we'd hate. The Cat's
alter ego was Dwane Dibbley, whom the Cat termed as 'The Duke of Dork.' He
also later became Mr Dibbley when an Emohawk attacked us.
KOCHANSKI: Oh yeah, the Despair Squid. We encountered the Despair Squid as
well back in my dimension, but we managed to stop it with the Esperanto's
LISTER: That thing actually had lasers?
Scene 13: S.S. Zoology Control Room. Looks remarkably hi-tech when compared
to Red Dwarf's.
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN, KILL CRAZY]
KRYTEN: Ah, this is the bridge. [To LISTER.] Shall I attempt to locate the
LISTER: Go ahead, but just the last entry. If you take in too much, your
head could explode.
CAT: Yeah, and if you die, who's gonna iron my suits?
KRYTEN: Oh, don't worry, sir. There's always my spare heads. Now then...
[KRYTEN takes out a cable from his suit and plugs it into the main view
screen. He emits a series of bleeps, and then begins to speak in a more
MINA: [From KRYTEN's mouth.] This is Captain Natalie Mina of the animal
transport ship Zoology. To whoever finds this [Here KILL CRAZY is seen
leaving by a door behind KRYTEN.] leave this ship instantly. A
DespairoMorph, a super powerful combination of a PolyMorph and a Despiar
Squid, has escaped, and slaughtered the entire crew. I've barricaded myself
in here, but I haven't got the time to plan a strategy against the 'Morph.
Wait- it's coming in! No! No!!!!!! NNOO!!!!!!![Suddenly screams, KRYTEN
falls back and his voice reverts to normal.]
LISTER: [He and KOCHANSKI pull KRYTEN up.] What was that all about, Krytes?
KRYTEN: My apologies, sir. It was at that point that the microphone Miss
Mina was speaking into was destroyed, and that was the only way that I
could duplicate the sound that was made exactly.
CAT: Yeah, and you got dust on my suit!
KOCHANKSI: I thought you hated that suit?
CAT: You're right! HELP! I'm complaining about the worst suit in the
Universe getting dusty!!!! I'M BECOMING DWANE DIBB- [LISTER knocks him
down. Cat notices that suit is even dirtier now, and, despite habit,
manages not to complain about it.] Thanks, man. I needed that.
LISTER: It's nothing. Anyway, let's get- hey, where's Kill Crazy?
[LISTER, KOCKANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN look at each other as they absorb this
ALL: Oh, SMEG!!!!
[Run off trying to find KILL CRAZY.]
Scene 14: S.S. Zoology Escape Pod Room. Has several small round doors
leading off out of it.
[KILL CRAZY present.]
KILL CRAZY: Hello, any mad monsters that brutally slaughtered the crew of
this ship here? No? Come on, I wanna get killed trying to kill ya!
[DESPAIROMORPH enters the room from the shadows. It looks like the
Polymorph, but is black, has several squid-like tentacles, and looks very
DESPAIROMORPH: [Sounds like it's talking through a thick layer of mucus] As
[DESPAIROMORPH wraps one tentacle around Kill Crazy's head, and KILL CRAZY
KILL CRAZY: Mom, Dad, Delilah... Dead? NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!
[KILL CRAZY suddenly slumps.]
DESPAIROMORPH: [Smacking it's lips.] Nice. Good dosage of suicidal madness
was all that sustained him, and I got it all.
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN.]
LISTER: [Seeing DESPAIROMORPH.] What...is...that?!
KRYTEN: I believe it is the DespairoMorph the log mentioned, sir. If I
recall the contents list entry on the DespairoMorph correctly, it causes
the victim to relive experiences where they were experiencing a specific
emotion very strongly. It does this until the victim is dead, and drained
of all emotion.
CAT: Well, why's Kill Crazy dead after only one grab?
KRYTEN: Due to his parents and sister being killed, he has only been
sustained by his suicidal attitude. With that gone, he was killed.
DESPAIROMORPH: [Suddenly noticing them.] Ah, lunch!
LISTER: [Pulling out bazookoid.] No chance, mate! ATTACK!!!!!
[KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN follow suite and begin to fire at the
DESPAIROMORPH. Smokescreen is caused by the blasts from the bazookoids that
completely blocks the DESPAIROMORPH from view.]
CAT: Die, ya lousy shape-shifter!!!!
[KRYTEN indicates that the crew should stop firing. They do, and the
DESPIROMORPH has gone.]
KOCHANSKI: [Putting bazookoid away with the others.] Well, that was easy.
KRYTEN: [Picking up the dead body of KILL CRAZY.] Well, I recommend that we
take our dear departed comrade back to Red Dwarf for his funeral.
KOCHANSKI: Sounds good to me.
CAT: Always enjoy the option where I leave while I'm breathing.
[Exit LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN.]
[After they leave, the DESPAIROMORPH suddenly materializes out of thin air-
it simply turned invisible while under cover from the smoke. It heads for
one of the pod doors, and enters.
Scene 15: S.S. Zoology lying on moon, Starbug noticeable through the
entrance to the docking bay, which faces the camera.
[An escape pod ejects from the ship, and flies towards Red Dwarf.
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Now for a little bit of slaughtering the human race,
and a good meal...
Scene 16: Red Dwarf corridor.
[RIMMER present. He has a large blood-stained bandage around his head, and
is staggering about all over the place.]
RIMMER: Smeg... I have to have a dang bandage put on simply because I walk
into one lousy loose metal plate that was incorrectly repaired... why me?
RIMMER: [Seeing DESPAIROMORPH.] Great, now I'm hallucinating.
DESPAIROMORPH: [Sticking out tentacle and wrapping it round RIMMER's head.]
I am no hallucination, Mr Rimmer, as you shall soon see when I brutally
take you back to the worst time of your life!
RIMMER: [Trying to sound brave.] Y- you can't. My entire life was horrible.
DESPAIROMORPH: Then you will simply relive your life all over again!
Scene 17: Red Dwarf flies through space.
RIMMER: [VO] AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Scene 18: Red Dwarf Docking Bay, empty apart from Starbugs, White Giants
and Blue Midgets.
[Starbug flies in and lands. LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN exit, KRYTEN
carrying KILL CRAZY's body.
KRYTEN: Well, I think that mission went rather well, sirs and ma'am.
LISTER: Well? Kill Crazy slaughtered, Cat almost looses it, you nearly
damage yourself, and you say it went well?
KOCHANSKI: We survived, Dave. There's no point in complaining about it when
we're still breathing.
CAT: Kill Crazy isn't!
KOCHANSKI: There is no point talking to some people.
[LISTER's arm suddenly starts to apparently bleep.]
CAT: What's that?
LISTER: [Raising arm to face.] It's me Holly watch! Something's wrong, it's
never bleeped before!
KOCHANSKI: Well, check it out.
[LISTER activates watch, and HOLLY appears on it. He has a very worried-
looking expression on his face.]
HOLLY: Thank goodness I finally reached you! Where are you?
LISTER: [Puzzled.] The docking bay.
HOLLY: NO!!!! I wanted to contact you before you landed!
CAT: Why's that, egghead?
HOLLY: [Looking in CAT's direction with a reproachful look on his face.]
Egghead's the version of me the nanobots made, Cat. [Looks back at LISTER.]
As I was saying, you HAVE to get off Red Dwarf!
HOLLY: [Straining to think for a bit before deciding.] Well, you know that
thing you just dealt with on the Zoology?
KOCHANSKI: The DespairoMorph? We defeated it!
KRYTEN: Miss Kochanski is right, Holly. The bazookoids made very short work
of the DespairoMorph.
HOLLY: Oh. Well, they didn't. It must've gone invisible or something.
KRYTEN: Who's still alive, Holly?
HOLLY: Well, only one person still technically exists.
[Enter RIMMER- he is a hologram once again, but not hard light.]
HOLLY: [Nodding towards RIMMER.] Him. I figured that you guys might work
better if you were all the 'Boyz from the Dwarf' once again, as you put it.
So, I accessed Red Dwarf and Starbug's Black Box recorder, downloaded all
of Rimmer's experiences into his personality disc, and rebooted him.
RIMMER: Exactly, and may I say that you lied to me.
CAT: What? When'd we lie to you?
RIMMER: I'm not Head of Safety.
LISTER: Well, yeah, but you did find trouble and advise on how to best get
RIMMER: What about that planet of my mind? I gave you no advice there.
KRYTEN: Pardon me, Mr Rimmer sir, but you were instrumental in our escape.
RIMMER: Yeah, you told me a whole heap of lies just so you living people
could keep on living!
LISTER: Look, where's the sense in complaining about little lies told in
the past when we're under attack from an updated PolyMorph?!
KOCHANSKI: Dave has a point.
LISTER: [Looking over at KOCHANSKI with a surprised expression on his
face.] I do? You've never said I had a point before.
KOCHANSKI: Well, you do. We have to keep going, or we're doomed.
Personally, may I say that's something my Dave would have done?
LISTER: [Now smiling broadly] You may.
KRYTEN: SIR! MA'AM! PLEASE DON'T AGREE ON THINGS OR YOU'LL SEND MY PARANOIA
CHIP INTO OVERLOAD!!!!!
RIMMER: [Looking at Cat.] What's his problem?
CAT: Oh yeah, you know nothing about the situation. Old jello head there is
just so worried that if Gerbil Face and Office B-B get together, he'll be
alone again. Personally, I don't mind either way.
HOLLY: Hate to interrupt, but get to the air vents- DespairoMorph coming
[Enter DESPAIROMORPH. It is much larger than before, and is dribbling
DESPAIROMORPH: Ah, the last ones of all! Once you're down, I'll move on to
the other PolyMorphs, until I am the sole remaining life form in the
CAT: No way! You haven't got the style to be that!
DESPAIROMORPH: Oh, and you'll stop me?
LISTER: Well, in a bit. Right now, we're taking the sane option.
DESPAIROMORPH: Which is?
KRYTEN: WAIT! [Pulls the earring the Cat gave him in 'The Last Day' and
throws it at the DESPAIROMORPH. DESPAIROMORPH screams.] OK, RUN!!!!
[The Dwarfers run and dive into a nearby air vent, although Kryten finds it
a little tight at first until CAT pulls him through. The crew then run
briefly, before suddenly halting to catch their breath.]
Scene 18: Air Ducts. Similar to Starbug's but bigger.
KRYTEN: Thank you, Mister Cat.
CAT: No sweat buddy. Say, why'd my earring stop that guy?
KRYTEN: Oh, it's quite simple. He'd absorbed so many emotions that he's
very much like a balloon with too much air in it. The earring pricked him
so that he'll need to take time to heal.
RIMMER: How long?
KRYTEN: Ten minutes. He's too strong for anything else.
LISTER: Great. Holly, no other option; contact the smarter you.
HOLLY: No can do, Dave. That thing killed 'im.
KCOHANSKI: It killed the smart you? How come it didn't kill this you?
HOLLY: His greatest horror was discovering the original him is thick. The
thing that's horrified me is seeing Camille.
CAT: Why? What'd you see?
HOLLY: This me. [KOCHANSKI stares at him. HOLLY speaks again, now looking
worried.] Hey, I'd had a head sex change at the time! It's just kind of
LISTER: So, you're the only one who's immune to the DespairoMorph?
HOLLY: No, the skutters are too.
KRYTEN: Ah. So, therefore, I am immune too.
HOLLY: No, actually, Krytes.
KRYTEN: Why not?
HOLLY: That thing's got one very good time to drain you of your horror, if
no other emotion.
HOLLY: When Dave told you Kriss was having a bath in his quarters.
KRYTEN: Oh, that.
RIMMER: [Holds up a finger.] Wait a minute. Kochanski had a bath in
LISTER'S quarters? What, was she sick?
LISTER: I wasn't in my quarters, Smeg-for-Brains!
[Sudden roaring, as the DESPAIROMORPH suddenly crashes into the ducts some
distance in front of the Dwarfers.]
RIMMER: What's that doing here? [To KRYTEN.] I thought it would be out for
KRYTEN: I did sir. Unfortunately, it appears I overestimated the earring's
abilities by eight minutes.
LISTER: Forget that! RU-[DESPAIROMORPH grabs LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN,
KOCHANSKI, and pulls RIMMER's Light Bee out of him, shutting him off.
HOLLY: [As the crew are being dragged towards the DespairoMorph.] Look on
the bright side dudes.
CAT: What bright side?!
HOLLY: It'll take time to drain you of all your emotions. I can pull you
out fast enough if I try.
LISTER: Holl, the smart you couldn't save his crew. How can you save us?
HOLLY: He was taken down very fast. I'm immune. I'll think of some- [At the
point the DESPAIROMORPH crushes the Holly watch.]
Scene 19: Engine Room. Blank view screen takes up most of the screen.
HOLLY: OK then Holl. The crew are depending on you. Start thinking...NOW!
[HOLLY's face screws up trying to think, but it appears to be to no avail.]
Scene 20: Holding Cell. Rather similar to the AR suite in 'Back in the Red
Part 3,' except the alcoves are connected to the DESPAIROMORPH in the
centre. Also, LISTER's, CAT's and KRYTEN's are on the floor, while
KOCHANSKI's is hanging from the ceiling. RIMMER's Light Bee is wired into
one alcove near hers as well.]
DESPAIROMORPH: Perfect. Come, you humans, share you horrors with me!
[Camera heads towards LISTER's head, and then the screen goes black.
Scene 21: Starbug Medibay. [From 'Epideme.']
[LISTER present, asleep on the bed. KOCHANSKI present, seated by the
[LISTER wakes and peers at his left arm. Seeing it still there he smiles
with relief. Then, glancing to his right, he suddenly realises that that
arm has gone- he lets out an involuntary whimper.]
KOCHANSKI: [Speaking into a comm unit.] He's awake!
LISTER: My left arm...? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of
navigation officer can't tell left from right??
KOCHANSKI: We did the best we could; I am so sorry.
LISTER: Where is it?
KOCHANSKI: We flushed it into space, we had to.
LISTER: Oh, my right arm... I did everything with that arm; we were
inseparable! At least, I thought we were.
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT.]
KRYTEN: Mr Lister, you're awake!
CAT: Buddy, you look great!
[CAT rushes towards LISTER and, without thinking, offers a handshake. He
realises his mistake and slinks back.]
LISTER: Oh, it's not your fault. You did what you had to do to save my
[KRYTEN lets out his high-pitched, Stan Laurel-like whimpering.]
LISTER: You haven't saved my life...
KOCHANSKI: Seven per cent of Epideme's virions have found their way back
into you body. They're currently multiplying exponentially.
LISTER: So, to sum up: all's I've got to look forward to now is death,
zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with either you or the
Cat? You've given my arm- my arm- for nothing?
KRYTEN: Not nothing sir! Based on my calculations, it's brought you
approximately fifty-eight minutes more life.
LISTER: I- What am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more life??
CAT: Have half a juggling lesson?
LISTER: You're really not helping.
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Oh, this is tasty. Now, let's see what the hologram has
to offer me...
Scene 22: Drive Room.[From 'Me2.]
[HOLLISTER, RIMMER present, several random officers in the back.]
HOLLISTER: [To RIMMER] Look, it was your job to fix it, Rimmer! You can't
do sloppy work on the drive plate!
RIMMER: I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for any consequences.
[Executes a Full-Rimmer salute.]
[A blinding white light glares and everyone is blown across the room by a
HOLLY: Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. Will
Arnold J. Rimmer please hurry to white corridor 159. This is an emergency
We see RIMMER as he is thrown against a wall, screaming
RIMMER: Aaaaaiiiiiiiuuuuurrrrghhhhh... Gazpacho soup.
[RIMMER is blown out of shot until only his arm is visible which falls into
the shattered remains of a snow flurry paperweight]
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Now, that was incredibly terrifying! Hate to move on,
but I can't see that again and again while the Cat thing remains calm.
Scene 23: Recuperation Lounge [From 'Back to Reality.]
NURSE: Is there a Dwane Dibbley in here?
NURSE: Dwane Dibbley?
LISTER: No, sorry.
RIMMER: Wait a minute. How do you know there is no one called Dwane Dibbley
in here? It could be you.
NURSE: (Returning) No, this is right. Dibbley. This is the Dibbley party.
Which one's Dwane Dibbley?
The camera focuses on CAT.
CAT: No! No, no, please, no! I don't want to be Dwane Dibbley!
The nurse finds DIBBLEY's bag with his ID on it, and gets it for him.
NURSE: It's you. Here are your party's clothes and possessions. The medical
officer will be down in 20 minutes.
DWANE: Dwane Dibbley?! How can I be called Dwane Dibbley?
LISTER starts going through the case the NURSE picked out.
LISTER: It's true. It's got your photograph, name, and address on it and
everything. There's an anorak in here! White socks. Nylon shirt. Plastic
sandals. Aertex vest.
Cardigan! Oh, and a key to the Salvation Army hostel.
DWANE: It doesn't make sense!
RIMMER: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it makes perfect sense, Dwane!! Imagine a
guy with no `elan, no style -- a misfit. Doesn't it just make total sense
that this hapless creature would give his buckteeth to play someone like
the Cat in a computer game?
DWANE: So this is really me?! A no-style gimbo, with teeth the druids could
use as a place of worship?!
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Not as juicy in pain, but brilliant in shock. Now for
Scene 24: Starbug Sleeping Quarters [From 'Duct Soup.']
[LISTER and KOCHANSKI present. Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads
KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up much of the
floor space in front of his bunk.]
LISTER:You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours
[He indicates the strange unit.]
LISTER: I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it up with water.
KOCHANSKI: I don't know what to say.
LISTER: And I, erm...found this on that derelict.
[LISTER takes a box from atop his bed and hands to KOCHANSKI.]
LISTER: I was savin' it for your birthday. There's some make up in there
[KOCHANSKI opens the present and takes out a shimmering red dress at which
she gazes wondrously.]
[Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI's wretched ex-suit.]
KRYTEN: I can't find her anywhere, sir, I've been searching high and low!
[Suddenly spotting KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN whips the wreck behind his back.]
KRYTEN: Oh! Ma'am. Ha-ha. Didn't spot you, here.
LISTER: Krissie's sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.
KRYTEN: In your quarters, sir?
LISTER: Yeah, she's going to have a nice, hot bath.
KRYTEN: In here? Without clothes on?
LISTER: Well, convention dictates probably, yeah,
[Zoom into KRYTEN's right iris.]
Scene 25: Starbug Cargo Deck.
[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Conjured up by his own paranoia, KRYTEN
sees himself talking to his long-time and now besuited friend LISTER, whose
arm is linked with KOCHANSKI. She wears the red dress just given to her by
LISTER, and both seem to be smiling just a little too much.
LISTER: Kryten, me and Kriss have been having a talk, and we think it'd be
better all 'round if you leave.
KRYTEN: Er, sir?
LISTER: As you probably know, we're planning on settling down together, it
started that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember?
KOCHANSKI: We got you this leaving present...
KRYTEN: A key-ring-
LISTER: With a 'C' on it.
KOCHANSKI: For 'Kryten!'
KRYTEN: But, you spell 'Kryten' with a 'K'...
KOCHANSKI: Ohh, don't make a fuss. Now, I've packed all your heads; they're
in the bag.
[LISTER and KOCHANSKI usher Kryten out.]
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Oh yeah, now we're cooking on gas. Time to see what the
woman has to offer...
Scene 26: KRYTEN's Cell [From 'Krytie TV']
[LISTER hands KOCHANSKI a flyer for KRYTEN's ratings-winner]
KOCHANSKI: "Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he paying some of the girls to
[KOCHANSKI grins as she scans the flyer]
LISTER: Who's that with the sponge?
[The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of horror, then
KOCHANSKI: That's me!
LISTER: It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw the whole thing; all
three terrible hours of it. It was awful.
KRYTEN: Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes.
Heh, excuse me!
KOCHANSKI: You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath! And you!
LISTER: What have I done?
KOCHANSKI: You were there for three hours of it!
LISTER: Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why do you think I
only had one choc-ice?
KOCHANSKI: How could you go along with this?
LISTER I'm only human. You were completely naked, starkers, nude, in the
buff, totally kit-less, no clothes on!
KOCHANSKI: You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out!
LISTER: Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had changed.
KOCHANSKI: Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming me in secret?
LISTER: Because you'll have said 'no'.
KOCHANSKI: Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that much to you, that
you needed to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.
LISTER: You wouldn't?
KOCHANSKI: No. Well, we're friends aren't we?
LISTER: It never occurred to me that I could just ask. Oh, you're such a
great friend. I love being your friend. Kris..?
KOCHANSKI: No! Not now, and now, not ever!
LISTER: But you just said –
KOCHANSKI: We're not friends any more...
Scene 27: Holding Cell.
[DESPAIROMORPH, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN and RIMMER's Light Bee
DESPAIROMORPH: Oh, that was good. A whole heap of anger, directed all at
once. Do all those again, and soon I'll have drained all of those emotions!
[HOLLY appears on a view screen, wearing black sunglasses that give him an
HOLLY: I wouldn't celebrate yet, sucka! I'm still standing, and you are
going to burn if I have to suck out air all over the ship apart from here!
DESPAIROMORPH: Don't count on it, Head- boy. I am a God!
HOLLY: You'll have an Achilles heal somewhere. All I have to do is find it!
DESPAIROMORPH: You? Your I.Q. is 8, for crying out loud!
HOLLY: You know what they say; where there's one man with a I.Q. of any
sort, there is hope.
TO BE CONTINUED...