A/N: As it is Spring Break, I got bored, and (due to the library and my dear friend who owned the soundtrack) I rediscovered The Scarlet Pimpernel, just discovered The Phantom of the Opera, and have always been obsessed with Les Miserables. Being bored, I decided it'd be a good idea to combine them all together. This is the resulting insanity. Heh. Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this fic. Eponine, Cosette, and Marius belong to Victor Hugo and Alain Boubil and Claude- Michel Schonberg. Raoul and Erik belong to Gaston Leroux and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Percy and Chauvelin belong to Baroness Orczy and… I think Frank Wildhorn and Nan Knighton. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde belong to Robert Louis Stevenson and Leslie Briaisse and… well, Frank Wildhorn again. Hunh. I do own the idea for squishing all of the three beloved fandoms into one fic. Hopefully it will be funny.

(There is a really cheesy pink heart decorated set with five separate, covered booth thingies and a comfortable- looking armchair on the right of the booth thingies. On the left is a podium also covered in tacky red hearts.)

Announcer: Welcome to 'Pick Your Man from a Nineteenth Century Novel and Popular Musical'! With your host… Eponine!

Eponine: (walks out in rather blood-stained clothes and goofy hat) Bonjour!

Obsessive Eppie- Fan girls: Whooooo! Go Eponine! (Some begin to sing a strange, off- key version of 'On My Own')

Eponine: (shouting) MERCI!

Obsessive Eppie- Fan girls: (are silent)

Eponine: (muttered) Mon Dieu... (Louder, as she is reading off a cue- card) On today's show we have not three, not four, (getting carried away) not five… no, wait, five. (Looking up from cue- card) We have five heroic and… no wait… um… (Glances back at the cue card) three protagonists and two antagonists. It would have been six contestants, three protagonists, two antagonists, and one protagonist and antagonist, but Dr. Jekyll had to cancel due to an engagement with someone named Mr. Hyde. (Eponine shrugs) Whatever. Though I think that once you've said you've done something you should do it… monsieur Marius would… (Eponine stares off wistfully into the distance. After a moment, the camera person coughs. Eponine snaps back to reality.) Now let's meet the lovely heroine!

Audience: (claps)

Cosette: (walks out)

Eponine: (hissing) What are you doing here? Shouldn't we have a rep… representa… someone from Jekyll and Hyde instead?

Cosette: (primly sits in the armchair, in sotto voice) Oh, most likely. But I'm here because I'm a special favorite of the authoress and so that we can stick this in the 'Les Miserables' section.

Eponine: (sulking) Fine. Here are the bachelors.

(The lights come up on the men, who have not heard anything but 'here are the bachelors'. Marius is in Booth One, looking very confused. In Booth Two, there is Raoul, who is scratching his head and looking puzzled. Booth Three, Erik, looking mysterious and huddled under his black cloak. Booth Four, Percy Blakeney, looking amused and importantly straightening out his cravat. Booth Five, Chauvelin, looking irritable.)

Audience: (cheers)

Eponine: Okay, Lark. Question these blokes.

Cosette: (straightens out skirt, primly crosses her legs at the ankles, and places her hands on her lap) Here's a question for all the bachelors: Sing me a phrase from a love song, please. Bachelor One, you go first.

Marius: (hopefully) A heart full of love! A heart full of song!

Eponine: (hurriedly) Merci Bachelor One.

Cosette: That was wonderful! Bachelor Two?

Raoul: (bemusedly, but excitedly at the soprano voice and accent) Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime! Let me lead you from your solitude….

Cosette: How lovely! Bachelor Three?

Erik: (moving his cloak away to reveal the white half- mask and tuxedo, but longingly… the French accent and soprano voice) You alone can make my heart take flight- help me make the music of the night….

Cosette: Thank you. That was… different. Bachelor Four?

Percy: (hopeful at the sound of a French accent) As waves lean on the sea, my love, come lean on me! I do… believe… in… you!

Cosette: You have a lovely voice monsieur! Bachelor Five?

Chauvelin: (suavely) Bring your renegade heart home to me! In the dark of the morning I'll warm you… I'll rouse you.

Cosette: (with a forced smile) Thank you monsieur. That was also… very… different.

Eponine: (slightly smirking) Go ahead and keep asking, Lark. (under her voice) Merde, that third one is creepy….

Cosette: (not hearing Eponine) All right! How far have you gone for one woman's love? I mean… what did you do for that woman? How much were you willing to sacrifice? Bachelor One?

Marius: When the woman I loved told me that she and her father were moving away, I humbled myself, and begged my grandfather to give me permission to marry her. When he advised me to make her my mistress, I tried to think of another solution, but then… she moved away. I then attempted to get myself killed, not seeing the point of life without her. (Dreamily) If April were in maiden form, she would be it… she is all light and love and music….

Eponine: (looks rather put out and muttering French swear words)

Cosette: (faintly blushing) How romantic! Bachelor Two?

Raoul: When my lady love was kidnapped, I risked my life to try and save her by confronting the villain. Of course… it rather backfired….

Erik: (muffled) I'm not a villain!

Raoul: You killed three people, including my poor brother! And then you kidnapped-

Eponine: (interrupting) Merde! Firme la bouche. Merci. (The men fall silent. Curious, Eponine peers into Eric's box to make sure that it isn't Montparnasse. Satisfied, she motions to Cosette to continue.)

Cosette: Thank you monsieur. Bachelor Three?

Erik: Well, after I kidnapped her and threatened her into almost marrying me, I let her go off with the other man in her life.

Cosette: Awww… how…. sweet? Um… Bachelor Four?

Percy: Well, even though she rather hated me at the time, I risked my life to save her brother, and then rescued her from the antagonist. (Slight pause) I also gave her anything she wanted.

Cosette: That's very noble of you monsieur. Bachelor Five?

Chauvelin: (shifting rather uncomfortably in his seat) Um… uh…

Percy: (jovially) I'm sure you can think of something Master Chamberlain!

Chauvelin: (turning red) Shut up! I let her know that her brother was free and safe! There!

Percy: You also used her to capture-

Eponine: Shove it, the bogies are coming! (They fall silent.) Merde, I didn't think that would work. Keep going Lark. (Eponine stares at Marius obsessively.)

Cosette: (sweetly) How sweet of you monsieur. Let us move onto the next question… what role does fashion play in your life? Bachelor One?

Marius: (shrugs a bit, helpless) Um… I'm… rather poor, so I don't have many stylish clothes, but I keep my clothes in good condition, and I always keep my boots perfectly shined.

Cosette: (with a sweet smile) Perfectly all right monsieur. Bachelor Two?

Raoul: I love clothes! Some may call me foppish for that, but I like looking… (Awkward pause) pretty.

Cosette: Fantastic! I do too! Bachelor Three?

Erik: I like black. And white. I wear tuxedos often as well as, ah… stylish accessories (very quickly) suchaswhitehalfmasks. And black capes. I wear those a lot.

Cosette: Lovely. Bachelor Four?

Percy: I always make sure that my wardrobe is at the height of fashion! You know, the Lord created men to wear stylish clothing. I often go to France… ah… to buy frills and frou- frou!

Cosette: (slight giggle) How extraordinary. Bachelor Five?

Chauvelin: I like black too. But I can't forget my favorite tri- colored scarf!

Cosette: Lovely. All right. Um… what is your favorite subject of conversation? Bachelor One?

Marius: Politics. Or love. (Happy sigh) I love to daydream… to build castles in the air…

Cosette: How sweet. Bachelor Two?

Raoul: Fashion… and love, I suppose. I enjoy reminiscing about old times.

Cosette: Hmm… interesting. Bachelor Three?

Erik: Music. Or the opera. I enjoy threatening people and using music as a double entendre. (Maniacal laughter)

Cosette: How interesting. Bachelor Four?

Percy: La! What kind of a question is that? Undoubtedly fashion, m'dear… though I'm quite good at making witty sallies.

Cosette: (giggling) Ah, you are funny, monsieur. Bachelor Five?

Chauvelin: My job… the French government… falcons in the dive...

Cosette: Thank you monsieur.

Eponine: All right, we have time for just two more questions. Then it's onta the questions from the madams and mademoiselles at home.

Cosette: Thank you! All right… ah… what is the worse thing that has ever happened to you? Let's start with Bachelor Five.

Chauvelin: (bitterly) My arch- nemesis got away under my very nose… in the musical; I get set up as him too… (Muttered swearing)

Cosette: Ah…thank you… Bachelor Four?

Percy: (seriously) My wife… whom I had just recently married had betrayed a friend of mine, as well as his entire family to a corrupt government. When I asked her why, she got mad at me and refused to explain.

Cosette: (sympathetically) Oh, I'm so sorry… Bachelor Three?

Erik: (very bitterly) Aside from being born the way I was… (He gestures at his half- mask) the time the woman I love and helped in any way I could fell in love with another man.

Cosette: (startled) Oh dear… you poor, poor man.

Erik: My Phans think so.

Cosette: Ah… Bachelor Two?

Raoul: Well, my fiancé, the love of my life, got kidnapped by a 'tormented genius'… (He glares pointedly at the Phantom) and was forced to marry him, as currently that self- same 'tormented genius' (another pointed glare at the Phantom) was attempting to strangle me.

Cosette: (alarmed) Oh, you poor man! That must have been horrible for you.

Raoul: (with yet another pointed glare at the Phantom of the Opera, who does not notice) Yes, it was.

Cosette: Bachelor One?

Marius: Hmm… that'd have to be when the woman I loved had to move away….

Cosette: (very sympathetically) Oh… poor, poor you! Why… all of your lives don't don't seem to be very happy….

Bachelors: (murmured agreement)

Cosette: Well… um… what kind of person are you looking for in a relationship?

Marius: Someone who won't mind if I stalk her obsessively and adore her when I am awake and when I dream. Someone who makes me think, (singing) I'm lost until she's found! (Stops) And won't make fun of my political standpoint.

Cosette: (almost melting) Oh, how romantic…. And you?

Raoul: Someone who I can love and protect. Someone who will (singing) Share with me one love, one lifetime… say the word and I'd follow you! Share each day with me, each… night, each morning…. (Stops singing) It'd help if we were friends too.

Cosette: (enchanted) How sweet! Et tu, monsieur?

Erik: Someone who can (singing) find the man behind the monster…. (Stops singing) It would help if she was a beautiful soprano with an amazing range. I'm a great believer in fear turning into love as well.

Cosette: (slightly terrified) Let me know how that works out for you, monsieur. And you?

Percy: Someone who will not take me and my adoration for the ground they walk on for granted. (Slight pause to think) And who won't mercilessly mock me… someone who I can believe in, and who can believe in me.

Cosette: How lovely… and you?

Chauvelin: (rather uncomfortable) Ah… someone who… is an ardent supporter of the government and who is enchanting, pretty, an excellent actress, and someone who… (Mumbles incoherently beneath his breath)

Cosette: (sotto voice) I'm not sure I want to know the rest… (Louder) very interesting monsieur.

Eponine: And now the blokes get ta answer some questions from the ladies at home to do (squints at the papers in her hands) ah… e… mail. I dunno what that is. But someone named… notrealmadeupperson… there's a funny symbol 'ere… looks like an 'a', I think, then . Odd. Well, she wants the Lark to ask this question. (Hands the paper to Cosette)

Cosette: (reads off paper) What do you do for a living? Oh, that is a bit rude….

Marius: I'm a student. I'm studying to be a lawyer, and in the meantime, I translate articles in English and German into French. (Pauses) Or is it the other way around?

Cosette: (laughs) Oh, you're funny as well! Monsieur Deux?

Raoul: I used to be a sailor, but now I'm a Vicomte, and I'm a patron of the Opera!

Cosette: How lovely. Monsieur Trois?

Erik: I'm a composer. And I get paid 20,000 francs every few months to not destroy things or kill off any lead singers whom I don't like.

Cosette: … How… wonderful for you. Monsieur Quatre?

Percy: La! I'm the richest lord in England, and I own considerable property everywhere. I don't really work… but I do get a kick out of rescuing innocent aristocrats from their certain deaths. Ain't it grand?

Cosette: Glad to hear it. And you, monsieur?

Chauvelin: (importantly) I am a highly important officer in the French government. I have a secretary and a troupe of stupid lackeys. I'm also the foreign minister… of sorts….

Cosette: All right.

Eponine: Here's something else from I'… the 'a' symbol thing and . Mail can't be hot… (Gives paper to Cosette)

Cosette: (reads it) What are your favorite pieces of clothing? (Rereads the paper Eponine gave her) Well, yes. That's the question.

Marius: (a bit baffled) What is my favorite piece of clothing? (Thinks a minute) My… boots. It doesn't matter what your clothes look like as long as your boots are clean and look good.

Cosette: (with a little laugh) You do have a point. Bachelor Two?

Raoul: It's hard to pick just one item… well… I am fond of scarves. I once chased one scarf out into a lake when I was fourteen. Good times, good times.

Cosette: Scarves are very useful. Monsieur Trois?

Erik: My cloak. It hides me from the unforgiving world, and adds a touch of class to my wardrobe. Though my mask helps to hide my deformity from those with who would run in fear….

Cosette: That's… a very interesting reason. And you?

Percy: La! I do agree with the second man… 'tis very hard to choose just one, ain't it? Well… I have a ring… a signet ring with a scarlet pimpernel on it. I'm very fond of it…

Cosette: (smiling) Jewelry is fun… and you?

Chauvelin: My tri- colored scarf. No self- respecting agent of the French revolution leaves home without it!

Cosette: Thank you messieurs. (To Eponine) I'm ready to make my choice now, mademoiselle. Merci.

Eponine: Fine. But… ah… I'd like to offer you a bit of advice. (Moves confidentially to Cosette) (Quietly) Go with Number Two. He's a vicomte and really good looking. Or Number Four… he's absolutely gorgeous and he's rich.

Cosette: (smiling sweetly) Thank you for your advice Eponine… I did like them both.

Eponine: (thinking that Cosette did not like Marius) Okay. Go on.

Cosette: Um… you are all very, very… interesting people. But I choose… will it was a hard decision between three of you, but I choose Bachelor One.

Audience: (Cheers)

Obsessive Eppie- Fan girls: Booo!

Security Guards: (Drag Eppie- Fan girls out of the studio)

Obsessive Douglas Sills (Percy)/ Erik/ Raoul/ and the few Chauvelin Fan girls: Yaaaay! He's still mine! (Get into a violent fight over their idols)

(The lights come up and the booth thingies fall. Marius sees Cosette. Cosette sees Marius. They run into each others arms, hug, and then stare happily into one another's eyes.

Raoul and Erik look a bit disappointed, but, upon realizing that it was not Christine, go off and discuss going to a café and getting something to drink with Percy Blakeney.

Percy, quickly figuring that it is not his wife, tells the Vicomte and Phantom of a good café. They head off, chatting about costumes. Percy talks about how a good mask is a necessary tool, to which the Phantom agrees, while Raoul thinks a good set of clothes works wonders, to which Percy also agrees.

Chauvelin scowls at the waste of time, and then accepts a large stack of information about aristocrats in hiding from the producer of the show. He leaves happily.

Eponine scowls at Cosette and Marius, who are now happily singing 'A Heart Full of Love' to each other.)

Audience: Awww….

Eponine: Aw… merde. I hate it when this happens… the danger of falling for one of the contestants on your dating show… (Wanders off)

Audience: (Claps, puzzled)

Announcer: Join us next week, when the leading soprano of the Opera Populaire, La Carlotta, will be a contestant, and asks the all important question…

Carlotta: What kind of accent do you zink zis iz?

Announcer: Same time, same station! 'Pick Your Man from a Nineteenth Century Novel and Popular Musical'!