|Canon Strikes Back
Author: PirateBlacksmith PM
When Mary Sues invade and the characters stay in character. Completed.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 17,194 - Reviews: 180 - Favs: 98 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 10-05-04 - Published: 04-18-04 - Status: Complete - id: 1825245
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The thing they don't tell you about plans involving the demise of Mary Sues is that they're damn near possible to create, which was a problem Jack soon found out about. The pirate soon was talking to himself as he paced the narrow alleyway, hands making erratic gestures as he tried to figure out just how they were going to defeat the masses. Will, Norrington, and Gibbs had each found a place to sit and watch Jack's pacing, waiting for the pirate to have a moment where it all clicked. Will was continually fidgeting, his mind clearly on Elizabeth's plight.
"I've got it!" The pirate's gaze settled on the three men sitting before him. "Who would be willing to sacrifice themselves to save lives?" His gaze lingered the longest on the man who would most likely be the most self-sacrificing. Slowly Norrington and Gibbs looked over at him as well, an unspoken mutual agreement among them. Will blinked, glancing around at them all. Slowly the expression on his face changed to one of utter terror.
"I don't think that would be a wise idea." Will said quickly, the image of Sues swarming over him and not being able to fight back terrifying him more than fighting against undead pirates who couldn't be killed. He bit his lip, looking up at Jack with wide, innocent eyes. "That would be giving them what they want and then they would never stop." He whispered in a hushed voice.
"My men can't even hold off the Sues that have invaded Port Royal now. If one of us were to give in, the Sues would swarm." Norrington interjected. Jack crossed his arms, looking slightly offended that the only plan he had come up with had been so quickly rejected.
"Look, we're goin' to have to fight them at some point. We need to get Elizabeth and Anamaria back." Jack responded. "Besides, William will die if something happens to Elizabeth."
Norrington looked fearful. "That is if they're still alive."
Anamaria slowly came back to the waking world, a blaring headache making her wish she had stayed knocked out. As she opened her eyes, she glanced at her surroundings and felt her breath catch in her throat. She jerked her arms and found them tied tightly, as was the rest of her body, to the pole behind her. The room reminded her of the interior of a town meeting hall, with rough benches facing the front of the room, where her pole seemed to be firmly planted. Looking to her side, she saw Elizabeth tied up as well, still out cold.
"Elizabeth." She hissed and reached out with her leg, trying to nudge the young woman. Elizabeth mumbled something unintelligible and shifted in her binds. For a moment her body froze completely, then her head rose and she blinked. Her eyes widened in terror and she glanced over to Anamaria, her mouth slightly open in a small 'o.'
"The Sues?" She asked quietly.
Anamaria nodded. "The Sues." She said quietly and glanced around at the empty meeting hall. "I don't think they're going to be giving us their blessings anytime soon." She twisted her wrists again, but the only result was rope burn. Elizabeth tried as well and ended up with the same results.
The door at the far end of the room banged open and a procession of Sues marched into the room in two rows. Anamaria took a moment to marvel at the fact that they had enough brain cells between them to organize. She then realized that this could be a problem. If they were able to work together, then she and Elizabeth stood nearly no chance of getting out of the situation alive.
The Sue in the lead stopped. Her purple eyes flicked over Anamaria and then Elizabeth. A cruel smile crossed her lips and she flicked her long brunette hair over her shoulder. Planting her hands on her unnaturally slim hips, she drew in a deep breath and raised her chin. Anamaria had an urgent need to knock out her front teeth.
"My name is Star Arianna Cassandra Rochelle Crystal." She said smoothly, her voice flowing like silk. Once again, Ana felt the homicidal urges rising and Elizabeth was saying some uncharacteristically unladylike things under her breath. "As the Mary Sue Tribunal, we have found you guilty of trying to obstruct our soul mates from realizing their true love for us. Being guilty of this crime, we're going to kill you now so we can take the hot pirates, 'kay?" A few of the Sues giggled behind her, obviously excited at the prospect of Jack, Will, or Norrington soon being theirs.
"You can't be serious." Elizabeth said, stomping her foot on the floor. "You don't know what you're doing. This is canon you are messing with and this is not your world. William loves only me and I love only him. Anamaria and Jack..." She glanced to Anamaria, quiet for a few moments before continuing. "They have a relationship of some sort, I suppose." She said. "My point is that you will not win! We've defeated undead pirates who could not die under the curse. You are merely just a problem to overcome."
"Elizabeth, quit being such a bitch. You're just jealous of us." One of the Sues commented haughtily. A few of the girls snickered and whispered amongst themselves, pointing at either Elizabeth or Anamaria.
"Star, let's just get rid of them. The faster Jack starts mourning, the faster I can 'comfort' him."
Anamaria groaned, hanging her head. "Jack, if ever there was a time you need to play hero, this would be it."
Serenity and Michaela stood in front of the doors of the town meeting hall, talking excitedly. Michaela would soon be courting Captain Jack Sparrow. Soon a treaty would form between the Black Pearl and her ship, The Unicorn, and they would be the most feared pirates on the Caribbean seas. Michaela on the other hand would soon seduce Jack Sparrow as he mourned for Anamaria and he would invite her aboard his ship to become his new first mate. They didn't know the fantasy the other harbored, only that they would soon have a chance to be Jack's one true love.
Speaking of one true love, he was swaggering towards them as they giggled in high pitched voices. When they realized Jack was approaching, the conversation came to a sudden halt and they lapsed into fan girlish fantasies, staring at him with adoring eyes. As they stared on, Jack dropped down in front of Serenity on one knee. Serenity's breath hitched in her throat and she stared down at him.
"Lass, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've decided that I want you to be my soul mate." He said simply, taking her hand in his. Serenity let out an ear drum shattering shriek and lunged forward to wrap her arms around his neck.
Suddenly her way was blocked by Michaela. The girl stared Serenity down with hatred on her face. "No. Jack is mine." She said, her voice seething with venom. Firmly she pressed her palms against Serenity's shoulders and pushed her back. "That's the way things will be. We are the only couple meant to be." Turning her back to her fellow Sue, she smiled slyly at Jack. "I'm here and I'm prepared to go with you Jack." She said seductively, opening her arms.
Serenity slammed into Michaela, the two girls falling onto the ground and rolling around, tearing at each other's hair and screaming obscenities. Jack cocked his head to the side, watching them fight it out. Norrington appeared by his side, an eyebrow raised.
Not but a few moments later, both Sues lay dead on the ground. Norrington looked impressed, although he was reluctant to admit it. "So the secret to killing a Mary Sue is to be a Mary Sue?" He questioned.
Jack held up a finger. "A Mary Sue can only be killed by another Mary Sue. So all we need to do is to turn them all against each other." He smirked evilly. "There is only one Jack Sparrow, one Commodore Norrington, and one William Turner. There's hundreds of Sues."
"I must admit that you have come up with an excellent plan here, Captain Sparrow." Norrington shook his head. "But you do realize that we will still be enemies after this is over."
"Agreed." Jack said, holding out his hand. Norrington took it after a moments pause and shook it.
"Excuse me!" The door at the front of the meeting hall burst open. The multitude of Sues turned to face the intruder. However, when they saw him, their faces lit up, a sea of perfect faces and hair. Jack fought the urge to run for safety and looked for Elizabeth and Anamaria. They were at the front of the building, tied to wooden poles like those accused of being witches. Anamaria perked up when she saw Jack enter. Elizabeth immediately started to look around for some glimpse of Will. Finally her gaze settled on the blacksmith sliding in through a side door. "I have an offer to announce."
The room had gone completely silent, unnaturally colored eyes fixated on the pirate captain. A few Sues even took the time to primp before Jack made his announcement. A few of the Will and Norrington Sues glanced around for their lust objects. One Sue caught sight of Will sneaking towards Elizabeth and elbowed another. She turned and her eyes widened as she caught sight of him.
"Commodore Norrington, Mr. Turner, and I have come to a decision. We will allow one of you to become our soul mates. However, there can be only one and many of you. Therefore, you will have to discuss it amongst yourselves just who will receive this honor." Jack announced, crossing his fingers behind his back. Norrington noticed this and began to wonder if the plan would even work.
At first there was nothing but silence. Then slowly the Sues began to glance at the girl standing next to them. Tension began mounting in the room as no discussion started, each Sue thinking that she would have her chosen male to herself.
"I, Star Arianna Cassandra Rochelle Crystal, claim Jack Sparrow as mine!" She shouted, pushing through the girls towards Jack. That was all that needed to be said. Chaos broke loose in the room. Jack slowly backed towards the doorway, eyes wide at the mass destruction occurring. Will had gotten Anamaria loose and they were trying to free Elizabeth, but the battle between the Sues was impeding the process.
Will ducked another fist that had been aimed at the Sue's fellow blacksmith luster and tentatively shoved the two girls away. The girl who had been swung at leaped at the girl who had attempted to hit her, swearing that she would never lay a finger on the blacksmith.
Screams, both angry and dying, rang through the room. Sues piled on one another, promising that they were the one truly meant to be Jack or Will or Norrington's one true love. Not one of them had enough of a brain to figure out that they were being used against each other. Their minds were focused on lust and possessiveness. There was only one goal and that was to be the last standing. Jack had to admit that there was one thing Sues were quite adept at and that was killing one another.
One by one, as a Sue died, she would explode into scented ash. After a while the room began to reek horribly of strong perfume. Jack rested his arm against his nose, stifling out the scent that threatened to make him nauseous. The Sues fought on, oblivious to fallen comrades and the overpowering scent. Norrington pulled his handkerchief from his pocket and placed it over his nose and mouth.
A hand reached out and wrapped around Jack's bicep. He whirled around, prepared to knock off the head of the Sue that had touched him, but was quite relieved to find that it was Anamaria. Will and Elizabeth were right behind her. The two women seemed to be enjoying the fight. Of course, after being captured and almost executed for possessing the love of the men the Sues had wanted, it was only right.
Then there were three. The pink ash began to settle, revealing the three Sues standing side by side, waiting to claim their prizes. Disturbingly enough, there was not a single mark on their flawless skin and their clothes and hair were just as perfect as before.
"Now you are truly mine, Jack." Star said, sauntering towards him. Jack felt Anamaria's grip on his bicep tighten and winced. "We will truly be happy together." She said, her voice becoming lower in an attempt to be sultry. Jack's face went slack and he could only stare at her.
"Yes. You are my true love." He said suddenly, brushing of Ana's hand. Anamaria's eyes widened in horror.
"Jack! No!" Anamaria shouted.
"Norrington." The high class Sue reached out her arms. "Come to me, my love." Norrington moved towards her. She reached up and brushed a hand against his cheek. "Finally." She breathed. He smiled for her, but his eyes had taken on a glassy look.
"Will! Stop this!" Elizabeth clung tightly to his arm and to the front door. Will was trying to go to the third Sue, a peasant girl who looked shyly to him and ducked her head. He calmly removed Elizabeth's hand from his arm and walked over to her, taking her into his arms.
"Even when we've won, we've lost." Ana said, shaking her head in disbelief. They could only watch in horror as the three men disappeared out the door with the Sues that had taken them captive.
Elizabeth made a fist. "No. This will not do."
"Now!" Jack bellowed. As one, the three men scrambled out the door of the cleverly disguised jail cell. Norrington turned and slammed the door shut, slipping the key into the lock and turning it. From inside, he could hear the enraged screams of the three Sues, which then quickly descended into sobs, pleading for them to come back. Will made a disgusted face.
"I feel quite dirty now, even if we were only pretending." He said, wiping his hands on his pants as if the gesture would help. Norrington had a quite similar look on his face, but Jack only looked to be relieved.
"The room is to be bricked up tomorrow." Norrington told them. "I will have my best men posted on guard. The only way we will ever be bothered again is if they reproduce." The three glanced back to the door with disturbed expressions on their faces.
"I'd rather not think of that." Jack said, shuddering.
Suddenly there was a battle cry and Elizabeth and Anamaria came charging down the stairs. Elizabeth held up a frying pan, glancing around. Anamaria froze with her sword out but no one to run through. "Where did those bloody Sues go?" She growled.
Jack nodded back towards the door. "Locked away for good." He said, smiling.
Elizabeth lowered the frying pan. "Does this mean that they're gone for good?" She asked. Will stepped forward, taking her into his arms.
Life had gone back to Port Royal and on the Caribbean sea. Jack was back with his beloved Pearl and had kindled up an odd relationship with Anamaria. No one was quite sure what to call it. Elizabeth and Will were just as happy together as ever and Norrington had found himself a very nice young woman who was very far from being a Mary Sue. All in all, they were happy again with things as they should be.
That is, until the day the portal just happened to open in the middle of the blacksmith shop. Will stared at the portal, hoping that his worst fears weren't coming back.
Instead, two boys and a girl were thrown onto the floor and the portal disappeared. The red headed boy stood up, brushing off his robes and then helped the bushy, dark haired girl up. The second boy got up, rubbing the strange scar on his forehead.
"Where are we Harry?" The red headed boy asked. "And who are you?" He asked Will.
Will groaned, holding his head in his hands.