GreenWall was written to satisfy a page requirement for school, but has
since become much more. Although it is not the prowess of the almighty
Strider (Yes, flattery does work) it is still pretty spiffed out. It is
about 4 full typed pages. If you need more to make you read this almighty
document then go to www.badgerbadgerbadger.com, if you don't get the inside
joke about the entire story after reading it go to
It is also wise for you, dear reader, to know that this entire thing is an
inside joke, and if you don't get it you're not on the inside, i am, you
aren't, but you will be if you go to www.badgerbadgerbadger.com. But to be
honest you probably wouldn't be on this site if you aren't on the inside,
or have decided not to do something productive with your life. Chances are
you wouldn't have even found this site, nor would have come here if you
weren't desperate. But hey, you are now on the inside. And 'they' are
coming for you! And now, GREENWALL!
GreenWall (A good-natured parody) by: Elizabeth Kudlaty
Maskias stood in awe of the mighty structure, as he had when he had
first come to GreenWall. The place was stunning if you enjoyed giant dried
mud huts hung suspended from the ground by strong rope fashioned from tree
bark. The Mushrooms had built GreenWall to harbor all plant life from the
harm of the wretched snake people who had enslaved the mushrooms for
centuries. GreenWall's inhabitants had escaped with a whole boatload of
good luck one century ago.
Maskias had come to live at GreenWall, even though he was a badger
because the Snake Hunters had killed his parents. (Snake Hunters are Snake
scouts sent to look for wandering escapees from the Snake prison and new
non-enslaved plant life.) The Mushrooms had taken him in because he had no
family and they liked the fact that he had arms. (Mushrooms are handicapped
because they have no legs and arms so the only way GreenWall was built was
by using their mouths. It was sort of like a Mushroom Fear Factor.) The
Mushrooms treated him kindly and raised him as one of their own.
Maskias again gazed up at the great structure of GreenWall and was
lost in the thought of a Mushroom game show until his old mentor called to
him, Old Mushroom. "Maskias, getyourlazybum..." Old Mushroom enjoyed slurring
his words as if he was drunk most of the time. He also had an extremely
short temper, "Maskias, Maski- suddenly Old Mushrooms calls were cut short.
"Old Mushroom?" Maskias whirled around to see the collapsed plantly
figure of the Old Mushroom. He was dead.
A pine needle had pierced his head; it was a Snake Hunter pine
needle. "Old Mushroom..." Maskias felt tears well up in his eyes but in
realization of what this meant he ran inside GreenWall to tell the Elder
Mushrooms. The Elder Mushrooms were a sort of council that tried to govern
GreenWall, even though the only thing that happened was the Elder Mushrooms
getting sick after trying to bite each other because they couldn't arm
"So Old Mushroom was murdered... and the Hunters... but... no..." the Eldest
Mushroom mused, although he kept forgetting what he was musing about and
would yell at someone to tell him what he had been musing about.
Finally he turned to Maskias, "Maskias, fate brought you to GreenWall
and fate will lead you now, you are our only hope."
Maskias eyed the Eldest Mushroom, suspicious he was going senile,
"This is an awful lot like that book...Redwall."
"You are right, but this is a good natured parody!"
"I see... do I have to solve a riddle?"
"Mushrooms above boy, the editors won't buy something that long... well
yes, you do."
Maskias was aghast; he was terrible at riddles. "Give me my riddle
Eldest Mushroom." He said bravely, although on the inside he was letting
loose every swear word he knew, which was everyone in the book. (The Old
Mushroom and Eldest Mushroom swore a lot when they were drunk, which was
most of the time.)
"Ah you youth...here is the riddle: is 'this statement is false' true
Maskias swore inside until he was finally able to say a sentence
without every two words being a swear, "I give up, there is no answer!"
"That is correct," said the Eldest Mushroom.
"What do I get for solving the riddle?" Maskias asked eagerly.
"Nothing, the riddle was just to take up space."
"Why it's almost like you think somebody is making this up as they go
along, and writing it down for Publishing House...."
"You're right! Oh well, I always knew that the CIA was in this!"
"Forget it, I have!" the Eldest Mushroom laughed and Maskias almost
leapt rabidly at him.
"What is my fate?" the badger yelled at the near deaf Eldest
"Hmm? Oh yes, go to the clock tower and reach underneath the
"Wait, if it's a clock tower why is there bells in it?"
"Oh, well it's really a belfry but we call it a clock tower because
we built it wrong."
"So you can..." the Eldest Mushroom, but his words did not reach the
ears of Maskias; Maskias had run to the clock tower.
Upon reaching the clock tower Maskias found the southernmost bell and
reached under it; there was a small wooden box. He opened it.
Inside were a scroll and a white mask. He examined the mask and set
it down, then picked up the scroll. It read:
"Whoever reads this and who is not an in plant in heritage, but a
badger may wear this mask and be endowed with all my powers"
Maskias was awed. He set the scroll down and then took the mask in his paws
and hesitated only once before placing it on his face. He felt it stick to
Maskias tried to pull it off but it wouldn't budge. "Oh well,"
Maskias thought to himself, "I don't feel any different, besides having a
mask stuck to my face." He stood up but he hit his head on the once high
rafters. That was when he looked around him.
"I'm a giant!" he exclaimed in awe. (A giant in badger standards is
about the size of a midget, so you won't see any giant masked badgers
running around terrorizing Tokyo.) "How do I get down though?" Maskias sat
on his hunches and contemplated.
"Maybe I can fly!" he cried aloud and opened the convenient giant
windows. "It is almost as if some author made them convenient big for me,"
Maskias said to himself, then jumped. He hung suspended in mid-air for a
moment, then plummeted down to earth. "Holy mushrooms!" he shouted but
before he hit the ground his muscles responded and he landed perfectly.
"There you are, you mangy mutt!" shouted the Eldest Mushroom. Maskias
stared in wonder. "Yeah, you high and mighty Masked Badger!"
Maskias glared at the little plant that can be poisonous if eaten.
"It is as though you are providing a plot conflict!"
"Darn, you've figured out my motive! I'm really an agent for the
environmental association! I've come to avenge the Mushroom people!"
"You're rambling again, aren't you?"
"Yep... what was I rambling about?"
Maskias resisted the urge to lunge; after all he was the defender of
the weak. But he was still exasperated. He let out an annoyed growl.
"Looks like somebody needs a nap, I'd better go to sleep," said the
Eldest Mushroom. He was asleep within the second.
Maskias was now rabid with frustration and yelled, "Wake up!" and in
the background a grand concession of clock chimes was heard, and a giant
wooden clock fell from the sky. It was headed for the Eldest Mushroom.
"Eldest Mushroom!" Maskias yelled.
"What?" asked a voice behind him.
"How'd you? Stuttered Maskias as he whirled around.
"It doesn't matter!" shouted the Eldest Mushroom dealing Maskias a
blow between the ears. "You've unleashed the Masked Badger's true powers!"
"You can now summon wooden clocks to come out of the sky and hit
people on the head!" the Eldest Mushroom was drooling with happiness.
"Great, I can throw wooden clocks at people, or mushrooms. Hey, I can
make some serious cash if I go into clock making!"
"Why," sighed the Eldest Mushroom, "it is almost like your youth is
blocking the way to the correct path... this must be dealt with gently." The
Eldest Mushroom hopped over the grand wooden clock and lifted it above his
head and hurled it at Maskias.
Maskias turned, "Holy Mushrooms! How can he lift it? He has no arms!"
Maskias said to himself as he narrowly dodged the clock. Despite missing
its intended target it hit a concealed snake in the bushes.
"They are here." Said Maskias gallantly, "Eldest Mushroom what can
you do to help?"
"I can snore really loudly, and I can be a pain when I forget what
I'm talking about... what was I?"
"You were listing your graces."
"Ah yes, I make up things, and I can beat anybody in an arm wrestling
"You don't have arms!"
"One thing I don't like, boy, is an angry badger! Want some of this?"
the Eldest Mushroom took up a mushroomy fighting stance. "You have power,
but lack discipline!" The mushroom lunged at Maskias but stopped in mid-
air. "My #@$%ing back!"
"Eldest Mushroom, please! This must be suitable for kids under 13!"
"Darn, you're right!" The Eldest Mushroom exclaimed in anguish and
"But your back..."
"Behind you!" The mushroom shouted and leapt at the snake that had
been lurking behind Maskias, knocking it out. "I am a 200th don mushroom,"
he stated proudly.
"There are only 9 dons!"
"So?" But the two could no loner bicker as the clearing around
GreenWall was filled with snakes.
"I've got this," said Maskias and from the clouds came a storm of
wooden clocks. The snakes had bruises upon bruises after the onslaught and
were successfully driven from GreenWall forever.
"I'll get you varmints!" shouted the Eldest Mushroom as he kicked
Maskias in the stomach. Maskias keeled over. "How can you do that? You
don't have feet!"
"Suddenly the Eldest Mushroom fell over, "I'm at the end boy... I'm
glad I met you...Goodbye," and then the Eldest Mushroom closed his eyes and
"Eldest Mushroom!" cried Maskias and tears rolled down his face.
"What?" the Eldest Mushroom leapt up.
"But you're dead!"
"Right," the Eldest Mushroom rolled his eyes, "if I were dead would
I be talking to a badger?"
"No time, we've run too many pages. The moral of the story is..."
A TV audience yelled out the answer in unison, "Publish GreenWall,
it's a good natured parody!"
"You kids..." laughed the Eldest Mushroom.
"Where'd they come from?!"
And so the days of GreenWall continue. The Eldest Mushroom still is
alive. We need him axed, please, for the little children!