A Week From the Journal of Scarlet Witch

Sunday:

Who would have ever thought that, back when I was in the mental institution, that I would eventually become the sanest person there is in the house in which I live? Who would have thought that? I, for one, wouldn't have. Oh, I knew I wasn't insane, but I didn't know just how sane I actually was. I never really knew until I joined the Misfits. They're all insane! I'd go through the whole checklist and list off why they're insane, but I think that they are, in fact, pretty self-explanatory. The only thing that really bugs me, though, is that while I was locked up in the insane asylum, these nuts were all out walking around free! That is one harsh slap in the face. Thank you very much, Father! You locked up your one sane kid and let the others all roam around and disturb the whole planet! Maybe you should get your head checked! I really hate that man…I hate him, I hate him, I HATE HIM! Dislike the rest of my family, too, while I'm at it. They're all just space cases. If anyone dares to make a "pot calling the kettle black" comment, I'll be forced to hex like I've never hexed before!

Monday:

I really need to add Psyche Out to my "Must Hex" list. Why does he keep insisting on these family therapy deals? Doesn't he get it yet? We don't get along! Fire and ice! Oil and water! Prison inmate and, well, his cellmate Bubba! We just don't get along! Sometimes I think he does these therapy sessions just so he can remodel his office! Actually, yeah, that has to be why he does it! Otherwise why aren't the sessions held in an open field where nothing can get damaged? I should go talk to General Hawk about this; maybe he'll see my point. But let me do a rundown of today's session. Pietro: Even Heartbroken Lance isn't as annoying as Pietro is now that he realizes that he doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of winning Jaye. The guy needs Prozac and he needs it now! Kurt: He's obnoxious and can't stop laughing at Pietro's misfortune. But then again, neither can I so I guess we're even. Rogue: She's just still incredibly upset at Adam for making the moves on Remy, despite the fact that it was two weeks ago. As if Remy's such a prize. I'm sure that even ROGUE could do better than him. But then again, most all of what she can get is the bottom of the barrel so maybe she can't do better. And me…I'm the lone sane person in a group of nuts!

Tuesday:

I think that Althea is expanding her vocabulary. Either that or she's making up words now. After losing the babies again, our wonderful leader proceeded to ream out her father for two hours. How does that girl learn so many dirty words? She doesn't meet that many new people. Maybe the Internet is a bad thing. After yesterday's therapy session, Pietro refuses to leave his room. He stays in his bed listening to sad music (right now he's blaring "All By Myself" at nearly top volume. How many versions of this stupid song have been done? We've already been forced to listen to Eric Carmen, Celine Dion, and Jamie O'Neal…who else is left?) and is starting to make me want to extract my eardrums just so I won't have to listen to him anymore. And Lance has joined him! The Multiple News Network has reported—via Trinity—that Peter is taking Kitty to a romantic dinner and a concert. Lance is crushed. Now all we need is for Althea and Todd to get into a fight and both join the mopers. And, if that happens, I'll have to shoot myself. It's times like this when I actually consider joining the X-Geeks. Anything to get away from these sad, depressing people. Okay! That's it! Cover Girl and Low Light have just joined the Legion of the Brokenhearted! They had a fight…I'm going to go stay with Carly and Beach Head. At least there I won't have to listen to all this whining.

Wednesday:

Note to self: Talk to Xavier about joining the X-Men. How could I have thought staying with Beach Head and Carly was preferable to Misfit Manor? Do you want to know what those two psychos did last night? They acted out the entire script of The Sound of Music. You haven't seen anything until you've seen Beach Head in a sailor suit complete with short shorts. It's frightening! What's even more frightening is the realization that Beach Head sounds like a girl when he sings! They kept me up all night! And I heard them talking. Tonight they're acting out Cats! And the day after that? The Princess Bride. You know that line from The Sixth Sense: "I see dead people"? For me it's: "I see insane people!" Do I have a sign over my head saying: "Insane People Welcome Here"? Why am I such a magnet for the lunatics? I really hate my father. No, not just him. I hate Mystique, too. She's the jerk who got me out of that insane asylum! At least I was surrounded by sane people there.

Thursday:

Last night I did something I said I wasn't going to do. I went back over to Beach Head and Carly's. And I'm going again tonight, after I'm done writing here. You see, I had an idea. I know how to cheer up all the depressing people here. Embarrassing pictures of Beach Head. And there's nothing more embarrassing than that man wearing leotards, tails, and cat ears. I'm not sure how he's going to be dressed tonight, but I'm sure I'll find something embarrassing to take a picture of. And tomorrow is most embarrassing yet. They're acting out The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. That will make everyone cheer up. I may not get any sleep for a few days, but at least after that peace will be returned to Misfit Manor. Little price to pay for that. I just hope that they don't make me join in. That would just kill me.

Friday:

Last night was better than I had expected. There were a few interesting and embarrassing Beach Head moments. Especially since he was forced to play Princess Buttercup! Carly refused to play her. The Princess apparently doesn't have any good lines. I don't know, but Beach Head wearing a dress is rather amusing. But I still can't believe that I'm the sanest person on this base. That just kills me. Tonight will be my last night of duty over at the Masterpiece Theater home. I hope ten rolls of film are enough for the production. I want to get every moment of Beach Head embarrassing himself. Maybe I should bring Adam with me. He loves that movie, I'm sure he'd love to get in on the action. One thing I know for certain is that by this time tomorrow, Misfit Manor will finally be back to normal. And everyone says I don't care about my teammates. This'll show them that I do.

Saturday:

My plan worked. Everyone is happy again. Or, well, maybe not entirely happy, but they're now mostly out of their funks. I told you that Beach Head in Tights and Beach Head in Drag would do the trick. I even put those pictures to good use and created a video slideshow out of them set to music. It turned out rather nice, if I do say so myself. I'm selling copies for ten dollars a tape. So far I've made $2,000. I'm quite the genius. Unfortunately I think the depressing people will be back. At least Depressed Pietro will be. Psyche Out had to bump up this week's family therapy session. Why oh why couldn't I have been an only child? What did I do wrong in my past life to be the lone person in my life undeserving of a straightjacket?