Disclaimer: Never mine…

Notes: Contains minor spoilers [dialogues] from Reload manga vol 3, specifically the Burial Arc: The Saga of Genjo Sanzo. A Sanzo-centric piece, meaning written in Sanzo's perspective. No actual plot, merely having some sensoryfun with my fave pairing.

What It Takes To Be Alive – Prologue

Kill the Buddha when you meet him,

Kill the father when you meet him,

Never be captivated by other words or actions,

Just live life the way you are living it.

His life's philosophy. Those were the words that helped him maintained his sanity, words that erased whatever guilt and anguish he had. In a world where only the strong-hearted would survive, one could not afford to be chained to the past or be swayed by the uncertain future. Pre-occupation with others only served to undermine one's foundation upon reality. And so, he had learned the hard way that he only answer to himself and what was done cannot be undone.

"If I have to live this life, then live it I shall! Even if it means taking yours to do it!"

He remembered saying those words, when he finally realized that being concerned with those he had to kill in his search for his Master's Seiten scripture served only to weaken his mind and soul. For four years he was haunted by the images of those who had collapsed in his path. There was never a night where he could have peace of mind.

Taking a life was so easy… but the guilt… that loneliness, madness, regret… The burden is just too heavy… Even life itself becomes too much to bear…

He was driven to the point where he had thought of pulling the trigger on himself. But a certain old reverend had made him realized his foolishness, his cowardly way of living.

"Life is a lot like cigarette… inhale too deeply and the smoke starts to fill up your lungs… And as time passes, your lungs slowly turn black and become your sin."

"Genjo, my boy… which living being on this earth doesn't reek of blood? The stench of blood you smell everyday… is the very blood that's flowing within your body."

Yes, the old reverend had been right. Once he had learned to accept the price of living, he was finally freed from the invisible and suffocating prison his mind and soul were subjected to. He had turned then to the Vanity of Vanities as a constant anchor for him to get through life, living. He had thought that was all he ever needed or know – as long as he was not captivated by others and stayed true to himself.

Yet the words of a certain brunette earlier that day rang gallingly throughout the length of him, challenging what he had believed in these past years. He shifted his eyes from the outside world then and leveled them upon the said man who was sleeping soundly, the small head of a white dragon rested comfortably on the crook of one arm. That man had a painful and bloodied past too. He remembered the night three years ago when he chided the brunette for wanting to end his life. It was ironic indeed as years before he had been the one who wanted to end his life.

But the brunette apparently seemed to have surpassed him. While he was living, the brunette was alive – or almost, as the latter claimed.

It was all the damn bickering duo's fault. They were the ones responsible for the state of distress he was in. After refusing to take part in their aimless excursion around the town, the two had exited the room, grumbling about him having no life at all. Of course, their little talk was thereafter punctuated by two ringing shots of the Smith and Wesson and they had scurried off down the hallway like the pests they were. The brunette had laughed then and he had thought he would finally have peace.

He was wrong for the moment the brunette spoke, peace was a thing of the past.

"Living and being alive are two different things, Sanzo."

His curiosity pricked, he had demanded what the brunette was talking about. Still wearing that careful smile, he answered. "What they said about you having no life at all, it's quite true. You're living but you're not alive."

"Have you caught their stupidity too?"

A soft laugh. "I'm merely stating the obvious. Ja, I will leave you alone now."

He was irked, no doubt, but his curiosity had intensified too. Besides, the brunette was not one to sprout nonsense. He waited till the other man was halfway out of the door before demanding clarification. "So what it takes to be alive then?"

The brunette did not turn round when he spoke. "To see, hear, breathe, taste and touch."

"Isn't that what living is all about too?"

"When you take your senses for granted, that's living." The brunette turned round then, a mysterious half-smile playing across his lips. "When you really understand what it is to see, hear, breathe, taste and touch… that's being alive."

He could sense a passionately intense yet anomalous vibe radiating from the other man and could not resist asking. "Are you alive then?"

That mysterious smile materialized again. "Almost."

= = = TBC = = =

Sincere apologies if it is lame. Thanks for reading and hope you'll await the next installment patiently. ^_^