Kudos to those who can pick out allusions, references or lines from the following:

Lord of the Rings

Dr. Dolittle

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Final Fantasy X-2

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On-Call Doctor

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Long, beautiful, flowing hair as silky as the finest of asian silks and as shiny as the most polished of onyx trailed after him in a beautiful array of black with blue hues. Wide, violet eyes that had managed to retain some innocent appeal after years of bloodshed shimmered with untold amusement and mirth. The white material of his well-worn yukata fluttered behind him in the early morning breeze, adding to his sprint across the Shinsengumi Headquarters. Beautiful, flawless skin, slickened with a thin film of perspiration shimmered under the morning sun as one, Okita Souji rounded the bend in an array of masculinity, speed and endurance.

OK, let's cut the crap.

"SOUUUUUJIIIIIIII! GIVE BACK THE BOOK OR DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A giggle errupted from Souji as he darted pass the mess hall, a book in his hands. The men looked at each other and shrugged, going back to their food.

That was before a half-mad, raging man who vaguely resembled their honorable fukuchou ran by in a cloud of dust swinging a sword over his head like it could produce balls of fire to roast the first captain.

Then, after thirty seconds of staring at the spot he just crossed, the men came to the mutual silent agreement that they should just forget what they saw.

Okita bounded into the courtyard and turned his head to see how much he had gained in distance from Hijikata. However, he didn't think to see how much the distance was shrinking between him and the little koinu-kun who was dusting the walkway. Okita looked back toward the front, yelped and jumped over Tetsu, who freaked, eyes bulging as he hit the ground and clung to his broom.

However, Hijikata was not so nimble and tripped over the cowering boy, landing flat on his face, his arm still suspended, sword in hand.

Too bad he couldn't stab Tetsunosuke like a potato.

Okita chuckled, feeling momentarily bad for Tetsu before turning around to run once more--only to collide into a small figure. Okita gasped as a young woman fell backwards, landing on her bum, dropping the box she had. It clatted down beside her as she winced and looked up to the person who had ran into her. "S-sumimasen..."

Okita shook his head, hastily helping the young woman to her feet. "Iie! It was my fault. Gomen nasai. Daijoubu desu ka?"

"Daijoubu desu," Was the young lady's reply, bowing in thanks as she retrieved her box. "Perhaps you could help me? I'm looking for a Hijikata-san?"

Okita sputtered and laughed, pointing the woman toward the man passed out, face first on the concrete. "He's napping."

The young woman peaked behind him and stared, wide-eyed at the alleged "Demon of the Shinsengumi". "That is Hijikata-san?"

Tetsu stood up, dusting himself off and picked up his broom, even daring to poke Hijikata with it.

"Sadly, yes." He muttered under his breath. His muttering turned into a shriek as Hijikata grabbed his ankle, looking up at him. "I. Heard. That."

By the time Hijikata had pulled himself to his feet, dusted himself off and promised Tetsu no dinner, Okita was long gone with the book and there stood a blinking girl in the middle of the courtyard holding a box. Clearing his throat and standing up straight, he stalked over to her.

"Who are you?" He inquired, giving the young lady a scrutinizing look. She bit her lip, leaning back some.

"Atashi wa Hattori Katsumi desu. I'm the doctor you requested." She replied, regaining a little bit of her confidence.

"..."

"Hijikata-san?" Katsumi inquired, tilting her head.

"You... are the doctor?"

"Well, actually, I'm a nurse. We're running short on doctors, most were sent out to other cities that are having a lot of casualties because of the war. But no worries, I know what I'm doing." Katsumi replied, shifting her weight to another foot.

"Great. Something else to distract my men." Hijikata muttered, running a hand through his hair. However, if he had thought about it, it probably wouldn't have mattered if she were a man or a woman to half of his men.

"I assure you, Sir, that I am here to work and take care of your men's injuries. Not to provide them with something they can get at a brothel." Katsumi retorted, slightly offended. What kind of woman did he take her for? Did she look like one of those types of women? She glanced down to make sure her kimono was set right and that the colors weren't to vibrant. OK, maybe the man was just very, very paranoid.

Of course, she already had her doubts when she was introduced to him, face first on the ground.

Hijikata sighed. "Ichimura!"

The redhead boy from before appeared beside him, grumbling and rubbing his ear. "Take Hattori-san to the room we have set up for her."

"Eh? What room?"

"The one for the doctor, ahou."

"I knew that." Tetsu muttered, hitching his thumb behind him. "This way, Lady."

----------

As Tetsunosuke lead Katsumi toward the room she would work in, he turned to her. "Sorry if I sounded rude early, but I have to act somewhat like a bastard around Hijikata-san."

Katsumi smiled, murmuring that it was OK. Her eyes, however, focused on the scar going across Tetsu's right cheek and ear. "What would a page like yourself be doing with a battle scar like that?"

Tetsu paused, mouth opened slightly as he looked at her. She pushed his hair back, studying it. "If it had had proper treatment, then it wouldn't have scarred so badly. However, it does give you a rather dashing appeal, doesn't it?"

The boy smiled, nodding. "Hai, it does. So, you're really a doctor?"

"A nurse. You know they don't really approve of women doctors, sir." Katsumi replied, smirking.

"Ichimura Tetsunosuke." Tetsu corrected. "Tetsu for short."

"Tetsu-kun, then." Katsumi replied, nodding. "And you may call me Katsumi."

Tetsu smiled, glancing over at her. The woman smiled back, her amber eyes glinting in the morning sun. Her long, ebony black hair held back in a loose ponytail fluttered about her face in the morning breeze as she pushed some strands behind her ear. "Is this my little shop?"

Tetsu nodded, opening the shouji for her. "Hijikata-san says that most of the supplies are good and you can use. If you need anything else, let him know so he can order it."

Katsumi nodded, setting her box down on a table. "It looks good. I think I can make it work nicely."

"Do you need any help unpacking?" Tetsu inquired, trying to peek into the box.

Katsumi chuckled. "I don't wish to keep you from your page work. Just call me when lunch is ready, mm?"

The boy nodded before excusing himself. As soon as he left, Katsumi turned around, glancing at the room. To say it was unorganized would be an understatement. Sighing, she pulled up the sleeves of her kimono and set to work.

----------

"OI OI OI!"

The voice belonged to one Harada Sanosuke, tenth squad captain. Currently, the reason for his fuss was one of the other members of the ludicrous "Comedian Three". Namely, ni-ban tai taichou, Nagakura Shinpachi.

"Hah! You get slower each day, Sano!" Shinpachi teased, bounding out of the way of Sano's bokken. The latter, more used to using a spear, only growled, restraining from breaking the wooden sword in half.

"When I get my hands on that scrawny ass of yours..."

"Whose hands are on whose ass?"

Both stopped and looked over at the last member, Toudou Heisuke, who stood in the threshold of the dojo, blinking. "Now, fess up, have you two been fooling around behind my back?"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Sano screeched, throwing his bokken at Heisuke who ducked.

Shinpachi shook his head, rubbing his nose. "Heisuke, you have no tact."

"You just have to be broad-minded, Shinpattsuan!" Heisuke retorted cheerfully.

"There's a difference between idiocy and broad-mindedness, and fortunately, I can still distinguish between the two." Shinpachi muttered, folding his arms.

"BANZAI!"

Shinpachi squeaked, realizing all-too-late that he had let his guard down as the wooden sword in Sano's hands came crashing down on his head and all went black.

"Shit. You probably knocked off a few inches of his height with that swing, Sano."

"Eh, doesn't matter. Puppy-kun's surpassed him in height anyway."

----------

Shinpachi was dreaming. In his dream, he was six feet tall, Sano was a midget and Heisuke had finally came out of the closet. Hell, for that matter, Okita was actually a woman, Tetsu had puppy ears and Hijikata was, for some odd reason, bald. To top it all off, there was this beautiful woman calling his name. Oh, yes, she looked just like one of the oiran from Shimabara. Creamy, smooth skin, ebony black hair and, what the hell was she doing with that thing? Was it going where he thought it was? Oh, HELL NO! This was NOT in his contract!

"Oh, no, don't you even think about sticking that thing up my--HELLO!"

Shinpachi gasped, bolting upright, sweat beading at his brow. His eyes wide, he clutched at his chest, while his heart beated heavily against his chest. 'Oh, man... that was one hell of a nightmare....'

As he calmed down, he realized he was no longer in the dojo. Nor was he in his quarters. He didn't know where he was, actually. It wasn't like Sano and Heisuke to actually take him to a... doctor? Yes, the equipment around him was definitely medical equipment. No wonder he was having nightmarish dreams about nurses and.. unpleasant... events.

Movement caught his attention as he turned his head to see a woman walk up to him with a tray. She looked slightly startled. "Oh, you're awake. Well, that's good. How do you feel?"

Shinpachi frowned for a moment. Well, he felt like he'd been hit by a sumo wrestler. ...Better not tell Sano that. "My head hurts."

"I would say so. You got quite a bump from Harada-san." The woman commented, setting her tray down. "Let's see how it's turning out."

Shinpachi shied away from her a bit as she approached him, the vivid occurances in his dream making him shudder. She did sort of look like the nurse in his dream. "Uhhh...."

"Daijoubu... All I'm doing is seeing if the swelling is gone down." She soothed, pushing his bangs out of his face. Shinpachi wrinkled his nose. Oh, yeah, how could he forget.

He had a fear of doctors.

It was stupid, really. He couldn't remember when or why it started, but he just didn't like doctors. He'd much rather take care of his own injuries than someone who could possibly cut him open to see what made him tick.

"Mmm, well it's not very bad, but it will definitely bruise. I've requested some ice to put on it to make the swelling go down." She murmured, pressing around the general area of the wound. He hissed, pulling away.

"That hurts." He muttered, swatting her hands away, scowling. He didn't even look at this woman. He wanted to go back to HQ. "Just let me go back to the headquarters." He muttered, arms crossing over his chest.

The woman looked generally surprised. "You must have gotten hit harder than I thought. You *are* at the Shinsengumi Headquarters, Nagakura-san."

Shinpachi paused, eyes darting over to her. "We don't have an on-call doctor."

"As of nine o'clock this morning you did." She replied, adjusting her apron.

"Oh. Where is he?"

"You're looking at her." She answered, standing. "Hattori Katsumi desu."

"You're a doctor? What is Nippon coming to? Women aren't doctors!" Shinpachi screeched, looking generally surprised.

"Indeed. As I thought the Miburo were scary men whose looks could kill someone. Then of course, I met you." She replied curtly.

Shinpachi twitched. That was hitting below the belt. Just as he was about to retort, Tetsunosuke came running in with a bucket. "Here's the ice you wanted, Katsu-nee."

"Katsu-nee" smiled and took the bucket from him. "Thank you, Tetsu-kun. That's all I need."

He grinned before waving to Shinpachi and bounded out. The man frowned, a large vein appearing on his forehead. The woman had already managed to swoon the puppy. Great. She was infecting the Miburo like the plague.

He was brought out of his reverie with a yelp as a bag of cold ice landed in between his legs. Katsumi smirked, folding her arms. "Keep that on your wound and not your groin and that should help the pain. Though, if you keep it where it is now, it might do you more good."

Shinpachi's face turned beet red. Oh, how he wished he had his sword. If only, if only....

"You're dismissed. Now, get out. I have work to do."

The second captain gaped at her, before sputtering. He hadn't gotten in his comeback yet! He had a reputation to uphold! He--Oh, shit.

Katsumi turned around, holding up a syringe. "Or would you like to be subdued with a nice dose of--"

Where Shinpachi sat was a cloud of dust in the shape of the captain.

Revenge could wait.

----------

Sano and Heisuke sat on the deck in front of the dojo, having just finished eating a nice snack. (Well, it was a snack for Sano. For Heisuke, it would keep him full for three weeks.) Letting out a belch, Sano leaned back, soaking in the mid-day sun. "I wonder how Shinpachi's feeling. I mean, with a sexy nurse like that to take care of him, I wouldn't blame him if he lied and said he had tubularculosis."

Heisuke was about to correct him when he figured that would be about the closest the man could come to actually getting the word right. At any rate, a blur of orange shot out from around the corner as Shinpachi screeched and burrowed himself in Heisuke's chest, sobbing and mumbling something about "evil women with needles."

Heisuke and Sano exchanged looks before the former wrapped his arms around Shinpachi (a little too eagerly, we might add) and began to comfort him. "There there, Shinpattsuan. Now tell us what's wrong."

Shinpachi took a deep breath and looked up to his two comrades with the biggest watery eyes he could muster. In fact, he could put Frodo Baggins to shame with the amount of pitifullness he was managing to bullshit. "Evil doctor-lady tried to torture me!"

"What, did she try to give you a retinal exam? I hear those can hurt sometimes..."

"EWW! I didn't need to know that!" Sano screeched, making a face.

Heisuke gave Sanosuke a deadpanned look. "RETINAL, Sano. RETINAL."

Shinpachi shook his head, burying his face in Heisuke's training gi. "She was gonna SEDATE me! And she insulted me, too. I couldn't even think of a proper comeback."

Gasps escaped Heisuke and Sano. Shinpachi not be able to make a witty reply? This was serious.

"One of the eight signs of the apocalypse!" Sano exclaimed.

"Seven, Sano."

"Right. Seven. Man, this calls for some action..." Sano muttered, rubbing his chin with two rough fingers.

Heisuke nodded sagely, stroking Shinpachi's hair and back like a pet as he thought. "We could pull some pranks to get her back... that is, if Shinpattsuan wants to..."

Immediately Shinpachi perked up, pulling himself up to level his eyes with his friend. "REALLY?!"

"I think that means 'yes', Heisuke." Sano chuckled. Shinpachi grinned deviously and crawled off of Heisuke's lap, straightening out his haori. "What are we waiting for?"

----------

A short time later, Ayu-nee was ringing the bell for lunch. The men strolled in, half sweaty, dirty, and in dire need of anti-perspirant although we highly doubt it was available in mass quantities at the time. Sitting down and chatting away as food was served, most momentarily stopped to see the new woman make her way to an empty space beside Tetsu, smiling warmly at the boy. Of course, most of the men went back to swords and how they could stab things, though a few kept their eyes on the relatively attractive woman. Those few being the comedian three.

"H, S, S. In position. It's showtime boys..."

"Will you cut that out?"

Heisuke stuck his tongue out at Sano as the man grunted that he was losing man points faster than Hijikata could spit out bad haiku.

Katsumi was showing Tetsu the places where one could feel their pulse as Ayumu began to serve out lunch. Sano immediately forgot about their mission and began to eat, earning looks from both Heisuke and Shinpachi, to which he either ignored or just didn't see.

Heisuke and Shinpachi exchanged grins. "Let's do it."

---------

Thirty minutes later, Katsumi stormed out of the mess hall. Her kimono was soaked in miso and her hair had onigiri clumps attached to it. To say it was a food fight would be technically incorrect, for she had dignity and would not throw back food. So thusly, it was a food ambush.

Ayu-nee followed after her a few minutes later, calling her name. Katsumi turned around to see her run up to her with an apologetic expression. "I am so sorry, Hattori-san. I don't know what's gotten in to those three. They're bad, but never this bad."

"It's nothing, Yamazaki-san. I'm sure they're just wanting to get me riled up." She smiled a bit, although inside she was plotting bloody deaths for the three of them. "I'll just go bathe and return to my quarters. Where is the bathhouse?"

----------

Well, THAT was eventful.

Now clean, Katsumi sat in her make-shift infirmary, fuming. Where they had gotten the ice to dump in the water, she wasn't sure, but she knew it was definitely COLD. And then, she didn't know koi could live in soap water. Furthermore, if she ever found out which one was responsible for the ink on her yukata, she would rip them apart with tweezers. YES, TWEEZERS.

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes from her frustration. She was trying her best to please Hijikata and do her best as a qualified nurse but after the events, she got fussed out by the fukuchou because of the three's pranks. Wiping her eyes, she set her jaw, standing up to finish unpacking.

----------

Shinpachi and Heisuke exchanged glances. Had they heard a sniffle?

"Oh God, I hope we didn't make her cry. I hate to see women cry." Heisuke moaned as they walked away.

Shinpachi snorted. "She deserved it!"

"Shinpattsuan.. are you sure you're not overdoing it? I mean, it's not like she actually did anything to you."

"Yeah, the worse was only a nightmare." Sano added, chewing on a piece of straw.

"Maybe... but hey, if you work with the Miburo you gotta be able to put up with the Comedian Three!" Shinpachi defended. He had a reputation to keep up.

"Whatever, let's finish this conversation after this evening's patrol, OK?"

Shinpachi and Sano nodded, before all three went to get their uniforms for the evening patrol.

----------

"Shit!" Sano cursed as he dodged another swing from the blade of a Choshuu warrior. He momentarily glanced over to see how his two friends were fairing, seeing that Heisuke and Shinpachi were both fighting as hard as he was. They really hadn't expected an ambush of all things. Two of their men were down, the others engaging in heavy combat against the dozen or so Choshuu.

"Shinpachi, duck! Wait, don't, you're short enough!" Heisuke yelled as he swung over his shorter friend, black capping an enemy in the head, delivering a fatal blow. Shinpachi was about to retort with a few nasty words, but instead, yelped, eyes widening as a blade swung for Heisuke's side. Doing the only thing he could think of, he darted forward, arms wrapping around Heisuke's waist as he twisted, pulling both of them out of the way of the blade and sending them crashing to the ground.

Both crashed and scrambled to their feet, back to back. "Next time gimme a warning."

"Next time watch your damn back."

"Fair enough."

Sano's spear smashed against another man's head. The enemy numbers were slowly diminishing and he gave a sigh of relief--that quickly turned to a choked gasp. "SHINPACHI!"

The red-head blinked, whirling around at the sound of his name as one of the last blades of the enemy came across and with a sickening sound of metal severing flesh and muscle. He opened his mouth to scream, but his voice was choked out by pain as his eyes widened. The pain was suffocating as he fell to his knees. Black began to surround him as he lost consciousness. The last thing he remembered is agonizing pain.

----------

Soft brown lashes fluttered against closed eyes. The warm sun flooding in from the window bathed the young man laying on a futon, resting. Rich brown freckles on fair skin matched the bright red hair perfectly.

The sweet scent of flowers flooded his nostrils as Shinpachi came to, opening his eyes to reveal warm brown orbs, cloudy from sleep and confusion. He soon realized he was in the infirmary and was in a lot of pain. His right side ached like it had been hit by something big. Groaning, he attempted to sit up when strong hands pushed him back down. "Careful there, Shinpattsuan."

Immediately Shinpachi recognized Heisuke's voice as he looked over to his friend. "What happened?"

"You got cut open by a Choshuu bastard. You're lucky to be alive. There was.. you lost.. a lot of blood." Heisuke commented softly, fingering the edge of a flower petal from the bouquet on the window seal.

"Then how...?"

"Hattori-san. She managed to close the wound before it was too late. Sano's talking with her right now."

Shinpachi nodded, resting his head back on the pillow. He now owed Hattori-san an apology as well as a thank you. Great. He sucked at such things. Just then, the shouji opened and in walked Sano followed by Katsumi, who had some lilies in her hands, going to place them in the bouquet.

"Hey, chibi. How you feeling?"

"Almost good enough to smack you for calling me a chibi." Shinpachi deadpanned, wishing he could sit up. Instead, his hand reached to his side under the blankets, feeling the stitches sticking out of his skin and through the bandages. He winced, frowning. "I hate the Choshuu."

"Yeah, man. You scared the shit out of us." Sano commented, sitting down beside the futon. Katsumi walked past him, placing the lilies in the vase.

Shinpachi looked over at her, his features softening. "Oi... Hattori-san...?"

"You don't need to thank me." Katsumi commented, looking over at him. "It's my duty to save lives."

"No, I mean, yeah, I wanted to thank you but, I wanted to also apologize for treating you the way I did. It was childish of me--err, us."

"Hey. It was your idea."

"Yeah, we only followed cuz we were board."

"Thanks." Shinpachi muttered. "Anyway, will you accept my apology?"

Katsumi stopped, head lowered before looking over at him and smiling. "Yes. I accept it. Thank you."

Shinpachi grinned over at his friends.

"However, you will stay off your feet for ten days and eat the diet I prepare for you since cut open part of your stomach." She explained, sitting down beside Heisuke. "Oh, and you have to take your vitamins."

Shinpachi groaned as his two friends laughed at his misery. It was going to be a long two weeks.

Though, something told him in the back of his mind, it wouldn't be all that bad.

Owari?