|Misunderstandings of Black and White
Author: SephirothJenova PM
(Rated for Shounen Ai, mild language and situations.) 7 months after the whole incident with messiah, Kegetsuya finds himself contemplateing all that happened, and his feelings for Chihaya. What will happen when he confronts Chihaya with his feelings?Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Romance - Words: 3,398 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 3 - Published: 05-04-04 - id: 1848295
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Title: Misunderstandings of black and white
Disclaimer: Oiyo~ I do not own Earthian or any of it's characters. This fanfic contains yaoi content, very mild language, and this is my first fanfic posting on fanfic.net. Soo… Please be gentle with me. – And if I hear any of that " ew" bullcrap from all you homophobes, you can just go suck it. _ *coughs* Anyways… yeah.
Many weeks had passed, fading into mere months since the incident that had occurred at the old church; the church with the window panes of black angels. The place where that damned scientist finally met his end, and the angelic destroyer met his own as well.
It had been many months since that time. Yet the wounds still remained open and soar.
The tall blond angel with sky blue eyes, sat at the kitchen table of the apartment he shared with his partner, contemplating and thinking over the many events that had occurred over the last 7 months. Since Messiah's demise, his relationship with Chihaya had been growing more and more so distant. It was driving the blond angel mad.
Kagestuya grunted furrowing his brows as he glared at the dried up buttered bun sitting before him on his plate, have chewed, leaving nothing more then crumbs as a messy reminder that Chihaya, again, had not eaten tonight. He glared at the piece of bread, as if it was mocking him for something unknown. He hated it. He grimly picked up the piece of dried bread between his fingertips, surveying the offending article of food in his hands. He turned it over in his hands several times before finally dropping it onto the plate, a soft clatter soon following. His eyes slid shut as he folded his hands in front of him, leaning in to rest his forehead against his knuckles, letting himself become lost deep in thought once again…
He was angry, and unsure of how to express his feelings of frustration. Ever since 'Messiah' had appeared, Chihaya had become obsessed: Talking almost non stop about the Bio-created Angel, searching for him, and pining over him. It hadn't nessisarily started with Messiah either, though. Actually, it had started when Chihaya became obsessed over the color of his wings- becoming paranoid. When Messiah came along, it was as if the ebony angel had found his soul mate, and it hurt. It hurt Kagetsuya greatly. It was all because Messiah had black wings too. Or at first they were that way, any way.
The blond sighed shaking his head. It wasn't Chihaya's fault. It was only natural that he would want to find out more about himself, and his 'kind', but still… Kagetsuya felt excluded from Chihaya's life, feelings, and interests. And it was all because of 'him'. He had despised Messiah from day one. He could admit that. After all, the man wasn't even a real angel.
Then the thoughts began coming to him. What was so special about Messiah anyways? He wasn't a real angel, nor was he even human. He was nothing. Why would Chihaya choose a freak over him? It made no sense. Kagestuya gave Chihaya everything.
Whenever Chihaya was in trouble, Kagetsuya was always there for him. Whenever Chihaya wanted to be alone, Kagetsuya would always give him space. Whenever Chihaya needed comfort, he was there. Always. He was always there for Chihaya, supporting him, loving him. True, the blond could get rough around the edges at time and a little harsh when being honest, but he was always there to support Chihaya. Even if it was for something he didn't always agree on.
What did Messiah ever do for Chihaya anyways? Nothing. Kagetsuya snorted at the thought, glaring now at the cold half eaten plate of food before him. He certainly never cooked for Chihaya, he was certain about that. He was never there to protect Chihaya. When Chihaya had been kidnapped by Ashino for the last time, that proved that Messiah could not protect the smaller angel.
Messiah had only forced a wedge between Chihaya and himself, caused Chihaya endless nights of pain, worry and no sleep, emotional distress after his death, and most of all… He had broken Chihaya's spirit and ripped off his left wing. He growled at the thought. Messiah actually had, had the nerve to tear off his lover's wing. It disgusted him. It infuriated him. He remembered the exact moment it happened too. He had wanted to just murdure the bastard right then and there.
Messiah had nothing to offer to Chihaya except pain and agony. Yet the boy had pined after him for weeks afterwards. That had only caused a problem between Chihaya and himself. There had been many akward silences, tense moments in bed, and worse of all, many arguments. Many of which Chihaya had left their apartment crying. Sometimes the younger boy would not return for several hours, before climbing into bed, only to keep as much distance between himself and Kagestuya as possible.
Did Chihaya have any idea how he felt? Kagetsuya had never talked to Chihaya about how he felt. He had simply avoided the whole subject of what had happened, and tried to pretend nothing had happened. Things were not as bad now, as they had been before. Kagetsuya was thankful for that. However, things were still tense.
Chihaya had left dinner early, feeling tired and depressed as usual, and was most likely brooding in their bedroom. Kagetsuya sighed taking one last look at the kitchen table before him. It was a mess. He stood, picking up a plate and looking at it, the half eaten contents cold and sticking to it as if it had been sitting there for days.
The blond furrowed his brows a bit and decided he would clean up later. He couldn't get this subject off his mind, and he desperately needed to get it off his chest. He had to talk to Chihaya. If he let it wait, and let it slide, it would only cause more problems in the future. It was already killing him enough as it was, that he never expressed himself to the boy. Which is why there were so many misunderstandings between them.
He had to get it off his chest. He couldn't let it wait any longer. He had to… He had to talk to Chihaya right now.
He dropped the plate onto the table and simply turned, brushing his hands off on his blue jeans and straitened his white button up shirt, smoothing out the wrinkles as he walked briskly out of the kitchen, passing the living room, entering the hallway, and heading for the bedroom.
Kagetsuya stopped outside the door furrowing his brows some when he heard the stifled sound of crying coming from within the bedroom. He bit his bottom lip wincing a bit, not having wanted to confront Chihaya if he was depressed. However, he had to toughen up a bit more. He would feel bad at first, but once he got it off his chest he would feel so much better…. He simply reached up, bowing his head a bit to rest his ear on the door as he knocked lightly with the flat of his knuckle.
"Chihaya….?" He called out softly.
The stifled sobbing stopped abruptly and there was a silence to follow soon after, before a soft shaky reply came through the door:
Kagetsuya slid the door open and peered into the room. The only light illuminating the room, was the light from the bathroom that was connected to the bedroom. The dark midnight sky peered in through the window, leaving not much of a view of stars- but a view of a city, which seemed to loom outside their bedroom window. The lights were out in the room though. The bathroom light gave off a soft golden hue to compliment the soft darkness which only sprouted from the corners of the room, casting shadows here and there.
Chihaya was sitting on the bed, completely nude with the exception of the white sheets draped about his waist, his one lone wing stretched out behind him across the mattress, limp and dormant as if it were dead too. Or perhaps mourning for it's lost brethren. Chihaya's hair was let loose, long and flowing over his shoulders, the dim lighting from the bathroom only seemed to cast a soft purple hue to his ebony locks, which made him even more beautiful then a porclean doll. His skin was much paler then usual, due to the lack of nutrients. He was thinner as well. Despite his beauty, he was still unhealthy, and it worried Kagestuya.
The dark haired angel smiled weakly at his partner, wiping at his eyes with a sigh as he looked up at him with sad violet eyes.
"I'm sorry Kagetsuya… Did you want something?" he asked softly, trying to cover up his pain with a plastic smile and the mask he used too often.
It almost made Kagetsuya not even want to bother talking to Chihaya tonight… Chihaya was always like this though. It was burning at him, and he had vowed to himself before taking a step into the room tonight, that he would confront Chihaya about all this tonight- no matter what. He was not about to back down on his word either.
"Chihaya…" Kagetsuya began, walking into the room, closing and locking the door behind him. Slowly he made his way over towards the bed, sitting down on the edge as he looked his lover over slowly, as if briefly contemplating to himself where to start first.
"We… No… I need to talk to you." He started firmly, letting his sky blue eyes catch violet ones with his own as he stared into their depths, capturing Chihaya's chin between his fingers, tilting the boy's face up to look at him.
Chihaya furrowed his brows some, a bit concerned. However his eyes were fresh from tears, and pained with sorrow that he knew was to come. Just by the tone of Kagetsuya's voice, he knew it was something he was not going to enjoy. Something he needed to hear though, non the less. So he simply nodded, staring into sky blue eyes, before softly replying.
"…About what happened. About you. About 'us'…" He stated slowly, searching those eyes for permission to continue.
Chihaya turned to look away, staring off softly as he repeated to himself; "…'Us'."
Kagetsuya nodded, and continued: "Chihaya… You've been pushing me away. You don't eat, you don't sleep, and you barely ever talk to me anymore." His tone was concerned. "And most of all…. You've been pushing me away in bed." He stared firmly now.
Chihaya visably winced, staring down at his hands which were resting in his lap.
Kagetsuya continued. "Chihaya, I have not said anything in
seven months. And in those seven months, I've been dieing, because you wont let
me in anymore. I know I haven't been helping it either, but damnit Chihaya…."
He had looked away, becoming angry now. He had paused, sighing heavily to calm
himself before he continued.
"All you ever think about is 'Him'." he stated acusingly. " Sometimes I have to wonder about your judgment Chihaya. I don't even understand why you still bother crying over someone like him. Besides… He's… gone." He tried to place his words delicately, as not to upset the younger boy.
Chihaya looked away from Kategsuya, not understanding why the other was so upset with him.
Kagetsuya looked hurt, pained and distressed. Clearly the dark angel wasn't getting it. So perhaps he would have to be blunt again. " Chihaya… I've always been there for you. Whether you like to admit it or not, it's true. Every time you've gotten in trouble, I've always been there. Every time you fell, I helped you up. Every time you were sad, I was there to comfort you. Even when you pushed me away, I was always there for you. I gave up my friends, family, and my whole life in Eden for you…" he said with compassion, reaching out to touch the other's bare shoulder, massaging it gently with a sigh.
The blond went silent for a few minutes before sighing some, his sky blue gaze takeing n the site of Chihaya's black wing, looking it over as it brought some thoughts to his attention.
" Even on your search for the Lucifers… I helped you. I helped you find the others, knowing well what was at risk. I told you millions of times before, that you were fine the way you were… But… You stubbornly insisted that there was a secret behind your wings. So I helped you…" Letting his fingertips graze along Chihaya's shoulder affectionately, he leaned in to plant a soft kiss on the bare shoulder, furrowing his brows a bit. " You never believed me when I told you that you were the most beautiful Angel in my eyes… You always dismissed me… Though I remained by your side, you went off searching for another. Another you could relate to…" he trailed off quietly, before pulling away to glance up at the dark haired boy.
"…But, Chihaya…. What did Messiah ever do for you…? What did he have that I didn't?" he frowned now, looking at the smaller angel with a slight frown. He wanted to know. He had to know.
Chihaya had gone stiff and silent, his eyes widened a bit. He hadn't known how to respond to something like that. He himself didn't even know. The pain Kagetsuya seemed to be suffering though, was far more then he had ever imagined. He had no clue Kagetsuya was ever jealous of Messiah. Much less jealous at all. This was completely new to him. He wasn't sure how to respond. He looked up at Kagetsuya to see the pain in his Sky blue eyes. He was clearly upset, and he was holding back a lot of the anger that had to come out. This made the ebony haired angel to wince.
"I…." He didn't know what to say.
Kagetsuya sighed shaking his head with frustration. He reached out, wrapping his arms around Chihaya's waist as he pulled him closer, furrowing his brows as he began running his hand up and down Chihaya's bare back, gently running it over the healed stump, where Chihaya's other magnificent black wing had once been, before it had been brutally ripped off his back by the demonic creature he so despised.
"Please, Chihaya… it's time to forget and move on. He caused you nothing but pain. He placed a wedge between us, and he took away your wing…" The blond had burrowed his face in Chihaya's shoulder, sighing as he gripped Chihaya tightly. "…I hate him. I've always hated him… Why did you have to love him Chihaya? Why…? Did you ever notice me? Did you ever wonder to ask how I felt?" he was growing more and more angry now, but his tone remained soft and calm, yet sad.
Chihaya winced. Had he been so selfishly blind to Kagetsuya? He suddenly felt ill to his stomach and groaned, burring his fingers in soft golden blond locks of hair to comfort the other angel, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach with guilt. " Kagetsuya….. Oh god… Kagetsuya I'm so sorry…." He whimpered, nearing the edge of tears himself.
Kagetsuya had went silent from then on. A flashback came to mind when he had remembered shortly after Messiah had said his fair-wells, Chihaya had called out with raw emotion "…But we were meant for each other, Messiah!!!" Kagetsuya simply shook his head willing away the hurtful memory. What had hurt the most about it, was that he was there when Chihaya had said it. He had been laying in Chihaya's arms…
The blond stirred, sitting up when he had gotten no reply from his smaller lover. Sky blue eyes searched out violet ones expectantly, wanting an answer. – Just then, Kagetsuya had been thrown off guard when the ebony haired angel had thrown himself into the blond's arms, sobbing as he gripped at Kagetsuya's shirt, burrowing his face into his lover's chest as he cried violently, his entire frame shaking from the shear raw emotion as he cried out softly.
"Kagetsuya! Oh god, Kagetsuya I'm so sorry!" he sobbed, heaving heavy pants here and there as he pressed himself closer to the blond for forgiveness. "Please… Forgive me, Kagetsuya. I had no idea… I was so selfish and wrong!" the poor boy was simply killing himself with the guilt. Had he realized his faults sooner, he would not have made so many mistakes. However, he continued to cry softly, kissing at his lover's chest affectionately for some sort of attonement he thought was nessisary. " Please…! Your all I have left! Don't leave me!"
There was a moment of silence before Chihaya stiffened and
glanced upwards, hoping Kagetsuya was not angry with him. But all he saw, were
loving sky blue eyes staring back at him.
"…Have I ever left you?"
Chihaya smiled weakly, wiping away the tears as he shook his head viggerously, simply crawling into the older man's lap, entwining his thin arms around his waist as he burrowed his face into the other's shoulder to cuddle. "I'm so sorry…" he repeated, sniffing slightly, his wing arching off the bed to curl around himself and the taller angel.
Kagetsuya nodded some, sighing with relief from having finally gotten it all off his chest. He had wanted to be more direct with all his emotions, but it was better that he went easy on Chihaya this time. If he had been rough as usual, Chihaya would have most likely run away on him again, and he didn't want that. He rubbed the younger boy's back in a soothing loving manor, waiting until Chihaya was calmed enough before he continued.
"Chihaya… There has been tension between us for the last seven months… I want to break that cycle of silence. So please… Lets just start over." He paused for a moment to look down at the younger angel and smiled weakly, capturing Chihaya's chin in his hand, tilting his lover's face up to look into his violet eyes. "…Okay?"
Chihaya nodded briskly, smiling slightly as he moved to cuddle against the older man's side again, kissing and nipping lightly at his neck affectionately. Something he had not done in several months.
Kagetsuya sighed, letting his eyes slide closed as he savored the long forgotten sensation, leaning back as he pulled Chihaya down to lay atop of him, reaching out to run his fingertips through the soft silken strands of hair like he had once done long ago. Things would still be different, but now that he had told Chihaya how he felt, perhaps things would get better from here. For now, he just wanted to stay like this with his lover, and not look back or even think about the past events, or even the future to come. For now, he simply just wanted to lay there with his lover in his arms.
He wanted to stay that way forever…
Author Comment : Oiyo… Yeah um. Whatever. I might add another chapter or two to this. Depends. I think it's fine where it leaves off. But gwah… I've been like… I dunno. Just sort of dealing with this whole idea of Kagetsuya's angst and how he might feel about Chihaya. I totally saw this coming when I was watching the show. Especially during that part where Chihaya and Messiah had their little reunion on the sky, and Kagetsuya sorta just went to perch somewhere while watching them hug and crap. Did you guys see the look on his face? SERIOUSLY! I mean, common! Poor guy! He goes through so much abuse @.@ but after that, I was going 'Dude! I gotta write this!' and yeah. Anyways I wont go on and on about this. ^_^