With You in Your Solitude

I have never seen a man look so alone. As Daniel Jackson stumbled through the Stargate supported by Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter, the agony, the abject despair in his eyes bespoke a terrible tragedy. "What happened?" I demanded on the way back to the infirmary.

Daniel didn't answer except to mutter, "It can't be true. It can't."

Sam and Jack exchanged glances before the colonel responded, "Hand device." There was more to the story, I could tell, but the way Daniel looked at me with pleading eyes convinced me not to push the issue.

I shooed the rest of SG-1 out of the infirmary and set about treating Daniel. He didn't speak, simply staring off into empty space. He wasn't in shock, but he was definitely traumatized. I sat down beside him on the bed. "What happened?" I asked again.

Daniel closed his eyes and turned his head away. "Please don't make me think about it, Janet."

"That's all you've been doing," I said gently. "It'll do you good to tell someone. Who did this to you?"

"I don't even believe it myself, Janet, please..."

"Who?" I persisted. I had a pretty good idea, and if I was right, he needed to let it out. He was in denial, and that wasn't going to help anyone, least of all himself.

After a long silence, Daniel finally whispered, "It doesn't matter, anyway. Teal'C killed her. If he hadn't, I'd be dead now. Instead of just wishing I was."

My suspicions were all but confirmed by that statement. "It does matter, Daniel."

He stared into my eyes, with torture in his own. "It was Amaunet!" he cried in anguish. "Teal'C killed her to save me - and now Sha'uri is dead!"

The poor man was a wreck, his hopes dashed, his dreams shattered. I hated Amaunet for what she had done to Sha'uri, but more for what she had done to Daniel. I hoped I'd be able to help Daniel get through this, his darkest hour.

"Oh, God, Janet, she's dead," Daniel moaned. "What am I going to do now? She was my love, my life... and she's gone...!

"I should have seen it coming!" he suddenly raged. "I should have known something would happen to her. If I'd stayed away from her, she'd still be alive!"

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

"Everyone I've ever loved has gotten hurt or killed. My parents, Skaara, Sarah, and now Sha'uri... Janet, I can't take it anymore!" Daniel closed his tear-filled eyes. It's like I'm destined to be lonely for the rest of my life," he whispered, his anger at himself abating. "I'd rather it was me dead instead of her."

"You don't have to be lonely, Daniel," I said softly. "You'll always have your friends. And I promise you: Jack, Sam, Teal'C, and I will always be here for you when you need us."

The first tear slipped down his face. I took him in my arms and let him cry.

I wanted to offer sympathy, to say something, anything at all, to comfort him, but at the same time, I knew better than to make him relive the episode again. It was painful for me to think about; I could only imagine what he must have been feeling.

I knew that all he wanted to do was to forget. I held him until he cried himself to sleep.