Disclaimer: If I owned Lord of the Rings, Saruman would overdose on gooseplops, Galadriel would constantly wet the bed and get ridiculed by Celeborn's pet rock, and ballerinas would prance around Mordor while singing happy Yuletide songs. Basically, it's not mine.

I'd like to thank HyperactiveForever, YourWorstNightmare13, SpastikLeggyLuver, Upset-Lil-Penguin, Julie, Annie, Stephenie, DesolateAznVamp, LaughingOutLoud88, Ximena, Estella Brandybuck, Alassea2, Breck, and A Dark Envy and anyone else who reviewed. My sister provided all of Eomer's poems. Gracias a mis amigas anaranjadas::Thanks to my orange friends:

I am not going to do the parody of Desire. Instead, you may get a novel-length Farri/Eo parody based on this one. I cannot help but mock them! Anyhoodle, I may do a collection of twisted Harry Potter cliches. Keep your eyes open for those things, more chapters of Desire and angsty one-shots. As you can tell, I'll be here forever! None of those upcoming stories, however, could ever compare to my beloved High School Faculty in Drag. Waaah.

-A Pointless Sequence for Your Amusement-

"Hey, Théoden," Merry whispered to the attractive senior citizen in a pleated skirt. "Did you just escape from Hell?"

"No...why?"

"Because you're looking hot!"

-Post-War Faramir/Éowyn Story-

-Chapter 1 – A Romantic Wedding Thing-

"Earth to earth and dust to dust..." the poetic priest guy started. Yes indeedy, he was the priest at Faramir and Éowyn's wedding.

"It's a wedding, for Eru's sake!" Merry yelled. "Why don't you recite a love poem?"

"Come to the Sacred Heart Halloween Shin Dig!" the priest said. He collapsed and died, much everyone's relief. Because it was his sister's wedding, Éomer received the honour of preaching and reciting poetry that had to be removed. Hey, you don't want Christie to lose her account, now do you?

"Faramir," Éomer said. "You may kiss the bride. While you're at it, kiss me!"

"No thanks, home slice," Faramir spat. "I'd rather be mauled by clerical staff."

-Chapter 2 – Abused Souls Unite-

It was a lovely night. Faramir and his new wife were preparing to do, um, stuff that doesn't concern you or I. Sadly, there was a problem. Because of what the evil, ugly, scary Grima did to Éowyn, she did not want to be touched. Farri did not know this, and he confronted her.

"Oh, Éowyn, my Snuggle Lizard, why wilt thou not maketh loveth to my horribleth baddeth Olde English selfe?"

"Grima was an idiot and he created chaos about the board game entitled Surfing Skunk," she said. "Do you not like sauerkraut?"

Faramir grinned. "Well, my father abused me and I hate sauerkraut. Let's talk about this stuff and unite our abused souls until the insecure rodents from Spain sue a man named Penelope for playing with matches!"

"That sounds good to me, Captain Pantyhose," Éowyn replied. "Remember to remind the extra terrestrial that it's up way past its bedtime."

-Chapter 3 – And Baby Makes Three...Let's Kill It, Shall We?-

A year after their marriage, Faramir and his bouncy wife were living happily in Emyn Arnen, where abundant gooseplops drown in quicksand and Teletubbies play cards with men in silky white gowns. Their life was perfect. They enjoyed throwing grandparents at Ronald McDonald, as mentioned a few chapters back, and eating stale, mold-covered lembas wafers. Nothing exciting ever happened to them...but Éowyn had an exciting 'secret' to share. Too bad that we all know what it is because these stories are predictable!

"My lovey-pooh snog bunny, I have a secret to share with you," she told Faramir one day when they were waiting for the overpainted clown to skip past.

He frowned. Was she cheating on him for a four-eyed rabbit? "Tell me, you chocolate milkshake who likes interrupting fat orange crayons with untreatable liver diseases."

"I'm with child," she said stupidly. "This makes me feel like a grouchy purple flyswatter named Otto tied to the top of the Eiffel Tower."

"Congratulations," Faramir whispered, his eyes tearing up as he glanced at Éowyn's stomach. "You've just won a pair of sandy mascots courtesy of TGI Friday's and ancient Indian anorexic slop."

-Chapter 4 – Of War and Corn on the Cob Monsters-

"I caught Aladdin doing an ancient tribal dance with Albus Dumbledore and an underfed sock puppet," Faramir said to Éowyn before he left to go to some stupid war seven months later. His departure was a sad incident concerning grape juice, Julie Andrews and ovens. For Éowyn, this was a very depressing time. Ronald McDonald never came anymore, Faramir was gone, she was fatter than ever (if that's even possible) and there were numerous jackrabbits in her freezer.

To make things short so Christie can write the illustrious epilogue thing and get on with her sad life, Faramir Monica came home. He was injured and near death. Éowyn Kermit gave birth to a nauseating little boy named Ruby Tigerlily Boom-Boom Nadaia IV, Elboron for short. Little Ruby reminded his father of Numenor. Faramir was healed by that male nurse from 'Meet the Parents' and they all lived happily ever after...until the sadistic author wrote the epilogue.

DUN DUN DUN!

-Chapter Five – The Last Epilogue-

FARAMIR was depressed and decided that the best course of action was to join a club for samurai dudes. So yeah, he became a samurai and patrolled the streets of Melbourne dressed like a hummingbird during a solar eclipse.

ÉOWYN joined boy scouting and was murdered by Elrohir in a fight over who would get the last strawberry Fruit Roll-Up in the box. Oh, I can just picture her lying in a coffin while wearing a scouting uniform...

RUBY TIGERLILY BOOM-BOOM NADAIA IV got a job as a waitress at Hooters.

ÉOMER went nuts after his sister's untimely death. He invented a spray that cleans up alligator vomit. "Alligator Puke Be Gone" can be yours for the mere price of your soul!

THAT PRIEST FROM CHAPTERS 11, 14, 19 AND 20 went to court and legally changed his name to Marge.

GANDALF melted into an overly happy television clicker.

CHRISTIE would like you to know how much she appreciated your flattering comments, suggestions and your generous donations of woodchucks. After completing the story, she went to Las Vegas to give free rubber duckies to all the dead men named LaTasha.

Now review, shield-cheese, or those sandy mascots from TGI Friday's will get you!