Typical Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. Many of the quotes are stolen from elsewhere as well. Still, please don't repost this anywhere without my permission... You know the routine.

JUST SO YOU ARE AWARE (script form)

SCENE 1: [A long time ago, in a DEATH EATER hangout far, far away...]

CRABBE: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

PETER: Only if you're calling me a coconut. Are you?

GOYLE: Maybe; but we're only minions here. You'd best ask someone else about that.

PETER: Well, who is your lord?

CRABBE: We don't have a lord.

PETER: What?

GOYLE: I told you, we're on an anarcho-syndicist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

PETER: Never mind all of this. I have something really important to tell someone.

CRABBE AND GOYLE: [confer privately]

CRABBE: What is your name?

PETER: Peter Pettigrew.

CRABBE: What is your quest?

PETER: To aid the return of the Dark Lord.

GOYLE: Oh, dear.

CRABBE: [kicks him] What is your favourite colour?

PETER: Blue.

CRABBE: Right. Off you go.

SCENE 2: [DEATH EATERS are inside a scary old house beside an eerie, bubbling cauldron.]

PETER: Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble...

LUCIUS: Do you mind?

PETER: Sorry.

HARRY: [arrives, clutching trophy] Portkeys. Why is it always portkeys?

LUCIUS: Welcome to "the other side", Mr. Potter.

HARRY: Would that be the Dark Side?

LUCIUS: No, the other side of the portkey, or the path it traveled on... or you traveled on... or... Never mind. Get on with it, Pettigrew.

PETER: Right. Bring the kid up here.

HARRY: [looks surprisingly nervous]

AVERY: [to HARRY] No reason to worry. Just a prick of the hand, a few drops of blood...

MACNAIR: No mistakes. He's only part wizard... we spill it all.

BELLATRIX: [evil cackle]

GOYLE: [to CRABBE] I guess there is a reason to worry.

LUCIUS: Silence, all, while Pettigrew performs the ritual.

ALL DEATH EATERS: [silence]

BELLATRIX: [evil cackle]

LUCIUS: [stern look]

ALL: [silence]

PETER: First... bring out your dead.

NOTT: [carries out TOM RIDDLE'S FATHER'S body]

RIDDLE: But I'm not dead!

LUCIUS: [whacks him with snake-stick] You are now.

NOTT: [tosses RIDDLE into cauldron]

PETER: Thank you, Nott. [takes some of HARRY'S blood] Now, by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. [cuts of arm and puts it in cauldron]

VOLDEMORT: [emerges from cauldron]

ALL: [tense silence]

BELlATRIX: [evil cackle]

LUCIUS: [stern glance]

ALL: [silence]

VOLDEMORT: [big grin] Ooo... the floors are so clean!

ALL: [relieved sighs]

VOLDEMORT: Peter, your arm!

PETER: [sighs again] 'Tis but a scratch.

VOLDEMORT: A scratch? You're arm's off! Here's a shiny new silver one for you.

PETER: Shiny!

VOLDEMORT: [evil, high-pitched laugh] I'm invincible!

HARRY: You're a loony.

VOLDEMORT: Avada Kedavra!

HARRY: [dies]

DUMBLEDORE: [apparates]

VOLDEMORT: You're late.

DUMBLEDORE: A wizard is never late, Riddle. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

LUCIUS: So, you didn't mean to arrive in time to save Potter?

DUMBLEDORE: Next question.

CRABBE: What's for dinner?

[awkward silence]

VOLDEMORT: [clears throat] Let's try this again... We meet at last, Dumbledore. Now the circle is complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now, I am the master.

DUMBLEDORE: Only a master of evil, Riddle. [curses VOLDEMORT]

VOLDEMORT: [deflects curse] Don't call me by my Muggle father's name. [curses DUMBLEDORE]

LUCIUS: Time out!

ALL: [look at LUCIUS]

LUCIUS: Your father was a Muggle?

VOLDEMORT: [scowls] Yes. It's one reason I hate them so much.

LUCIUS: So, that makes you a halfblood.

VOLDEMORT: Yes.

LUCIUS: And yet, you were a Slytherin?

VOLDEMORT: Yes.

LUCIUS: The Heir of Slytherin, in fact?

VOLDEMORT: Yes.

LUCIUS: And now, you're telling us to kill Muggles?

VOLDEMORT: Obviously. I just said that I hate...

LUCIUS: And mudbloods?

VOLDEMORT: Yes! I am growing impatient.

LUCIUS: And halfbloods?

VOLDEMORT: Yes! [looks suddenly thunderstruck] You're very right, Lucius. I must now repent from my evil ways, convert, and give all my money to charity. Will you help me, Dumbledore?

DUMBLEDORE: Well... of course.

LUCIUS: You're missing the point.

VOLDEMORT: And that is...?

LUCIUS: Avada Kedavra!

VOLDEMORT: Oh. [dies]

DUMBLEDORE: Well, so much for the prophecy. I should have known it was a hoax.

CRABBE: Wow, I'll bet that felt good, Lucius.

LESTRANGE: [quietly to other DEATH EATERS] He's mentally unstable. I've said it for years.

LUCIUS: Avada Kedavra!

LESTRANGE: [dies]

BELLATRIX: [evil cackle]

DUMBLEDORE: Now, I should tell you all that there are a bunch of Aurors here to arrest you. Especially since now you have now been caught in the act.

AURORS: [enter] Avada Kedavra!

LUCIUS: Darn. [dies]

DUMBLEDORE: You know that's an Unforgivable Curse, right?

MOODY: Duh. Problem?

DUMBLEDORE: Just so you're aware.