By: Enkidu

Rating: R

Pairings: Various

Genre: AU/Fantasy

Warnings: Yaoi. OOC. Potty Language. Weirdness. Sexual Situations. Violence.

Summary: Watch me butcher famous fairytales for my own amusement!

Written in honor of 100 reviews for one of my fics!! Doesn’t bother mentioning she had achieved over 100 reviews for some of her other stories BEFORE deleted her old account

I. Glass Sneakers and One Demented Purple Fairy Godfather (Part 1)

In a land far away from a lot of things, there was a kingdom ruled by none other than the great Seto Kaiba. He was a fierce, brave, and strong leader with an ego analogous to the amount of back hair on a furry man. Yes, it was quite large. However, that didn’t seem to bother the women who vied for his hand in marriage. Not that Kaiba actually cared because, as fate and a psychotic authoress would have it, Kaiba was gayer than Christmas.

Kaiba’s father was fed up with Kaiba’s life of promiscuity and gay bar visitations. He was also fed up with the lack of peanut butter in the kitchen. Therefore, he decreed that his son would get married by his eighteenth birthday, whether he liked it or not, and that everyone in the kingdom must pay their taxes in peanut butter jars. Clearly, Kaiba was dissatisfied with this and launched into lengthy negotiations about their current situation. The end result was that Kaiba would throw a huge ball and invite all young, single, attractive men in the kingdom, and he would marry whomever interested him the most (a.k.a whomever tickles his pickle). Oh yeah, and the peanut butter jar tax remained in tact.

Since this is a fairytale, gay marriages are accepted and adored by everyone! Ahem.

Elsewhere, there was a boy with shaggy blond hair who wore a dog suit and drank from a bowl on the floor. His name was Katsuya Jounouchi, or simply Jou. He lived in a rather nice mansion with his foster father, Pegasus J. Crawford, who was out of his mind, and his adopted brothers, Yami no Bakura, or simply Bakura, and Ryuuji Otogi.

It was commonly known to all who read the newspaper that Pegasus was a pedophile. Unfortunately, Pegasus kept his sons illiterate for this very reason, and so they remained oblivious to their foster father’s perversion. Actually, they kind of figured it out with Pegasus’ frequent and unnecessary groping. Jou was free from molestation simply because Pegasus only had two hands, one which groped a very accepting Ryuuji and the other which was broken by a failed groping attempt at Bakura. However, the lack of a violent or sexual bond with Pegasus left Jou as the ignored child, tending to his brothers hand and foot as well as taking care of all the duties of the house, despite the fact that Pegasus had about fifty servants under his employment. Ryuuji had declared long ago that Jou should wear a dog suit for some underlying sexual reason no one can possibly fathom without having consumed at least five shots of tequila and a bag of pixie sticks.

So our story really begins with an irate Jou busily scrubbing the tiled floor of the kitchen while grumbling sourly under his breath. “Stupid fudge stains. I don’t even want to know what Ryuuji and Pegasus were doing in here.”

His external ramblings were silenced by the appearance of a pair of slim legs clothed in very nice, expensive Italian boots. The owner of those stylish shoes kicked Jou onto his stomach, glaring at him. “What do you think you’re doing, you stupid mutt? You’re supposed to be arranging my closet!”

“I did, Ryuuji!” Jou quickly defended, keeping his head low, not wanting to anger Ryuuji while he was parading around in very pointy boots.

“Well, do it again! And shine my shoes while you’re down there.”

With a heavy sigh, Jou lifted himself up a bit and started to shine Ryuuji’s shoes with the same scrub brush. If Ryuuji had been paying attention rather than admiring himself on one of the silver pots, he would have shoved that boot up in a place where no boot, Italian or not, should ever reside.

“All done,” Jou said after a while.

Admiring his shoes briefly, Ryuuji agreed then glanced back down at Jou. “Hm...there’s something else you can do while you’re down there.” His lips curled into a naughty grin, and the blond could feel his stomach churn.

“...Y-yes?”

“Zip up my fly!”

Jou let out a heavy sigh of relief and switched to a kneeling position to do just that when he stopped short, blinking. “Uh... Ryuuji? Your pants don’t have a zipper”

The raven-haired boy growled at his insolence and gave the ears of his costume a rough tug. “Zip up my fly! Zip up my fly, I say! Zip it!” Jou swallowed again and made a pathetic zipping sound as he pretended to zip up Ryuuji’s imaginary zipper. He gazed up in slight fear, unwilling to send the boy into another hissy fit as they tended to be prolonged and high- pitched.

“Good boy, Jou,” Ryuuji congratulated after thoroughly inspecting his crotch to make sure the task was completed. He then patted Jou on the head and produced a doggy treat from his pocket, dropping it in front of Jou. “There you go. Eat up, boy.”

The blond boy glared down at the doggy treat, knowing Ryuuji wouldn’t leave till he ate it. With a heavy sigh, he thought ‘Eh, I’ve eaten worse things’ and proceeded to shove it into his mouth and chew as fast as he could just to get rid of his annoying adopted brother.

A few minutes had passed during which Ryuuji had retreated to Pegasus’s room to play a game of ‘Pull “Mr. Funny Bunny” out of his “Hat”’ while Jou returned to his peaceful task of scrubbing the tiles when their custom made doorbell started wringing, playing the song “I’m Just a Love Machine”.

“GET THE DOOR!” Ryuuji half-yelled, half-moaned, which prompted to Jou to run further away from their room and to the front door, opening it.

What stood on the other side of the door was a slightly short boy clad in bondage clothes and wearing a colorful porcupine on his head, which may or may not have been his hair. Jou didn’t want to know. “...Yes?” The blond prompted, shifting a bit awkwardly.

“Are you the master of the house?” the porcupine-haired boy asked.

“I’m wearing a dog suit. Do I really look like the master of this house?” Jou answered back with an annoyed scowl. Why were visitors always oblivious to the fact that he was prancing around in a dog costume?

The boy looked him up and down and nodded. “Yes, I can see that. I just thought it might have been some strange kink. Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Pharaoh Atemu, only I’m not supposed to remember that, so call me Yami.” With that, Yami gave a very flamboyant bow.

Jou simply stood there and blinked in confusion. “Okay. What brings you here Pharaoh Yami... Atemu..whatever..?”

“Ah, that’s a good question.” Yami reached into his pocket and pulled out a napkin, clearing his throat. “Hear ye, hear ye! Lord Kaiba invites all attractive young males between the ages of 16 and 24 and with a penis size of at least six inches to attend his balls-“

“Uh, wait, you mean ball, right?” Jou interrupted, feeling a blush consume his face.

Yami reread the line then shook his head. “No, I meant balls. It says balls right here. It’s balls. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Yatta yatta. Blah blah blah. Basically his balls is tomorrow night at seven. Be there or be square.”

“Um... who are you, anyway?” Jou asked, still adorably confused.

The bondage clad teen glared as he stuffed the napkin back in his pocket, and Jou dutifully ignored the fact that there was actually nothing written on the napkin. “I am Seto’s right-hand man. I am his go-to guy. I am his second in command. I am-“

“His bitch,” Bakura finished, appearing out of nowhere and scaring the Jesus Bee (1) out of Jou.

Yami narrowed his eyes at the silver-haired fiend. “No, I am NOT his bitch.”

“Are you sure?” Jou asked, scratching his head, still wondering where Bakura came from. “I mean... you look kind of... bitchy.”

“Says the boy in the dog suit,” Yami retorted.

The blond ignored Yami in favor of contemplating how Bakura appeared out of nowhere ‘Did he come down from the chimney?’

“Get the fuck out of here,” Bakura spoke up, producing a dagger from somewhere in his pants and holding it threateningly. “Oh, and tell that uptight asshole of a prince that we’ll be there.”

Before Yami could say anything else, Bakura slammed the door in his face and glared at Jou. “Bad dog. How many times did we tell you not to answer the door?” The silver-haired boy tossed the dagger over his shoulder, letting it land on the wall, where a bunch of other daggers were already embedded, and produced a newspaper, rolling it up and smacking Jou over the head with it, making the blond wince in pain. “Now go make me dinner.”

“So... you actually want to go to the ball..er..balls? I thought you hated Prince Kaiba.”

“I do. I’m only going so I can steal that moron’s family jewels.”

“Oh. Okay.”

‘Is it me or has there been way too many testicular references in the last five minutes?’ Jou thought as he wandered off into the kitchen, finally dropping the subject of Bakura’s random appearance.

Later that night, they all sat down for a dinner, actually prepared by cooks since Jou singed the ears to his costume when he attempted to microwave hot pocket. Well, Jou wasn’t actually seated at the table with them. He was off to the side, sitting on the floor and staring at dog food (lamb and rice formula) lying on his plate.

“So, Kaiba-boy actually invited us to his ball. Why am I not surprised?” Pegasus spoke up as he poked at a triangular piece of foul smelling bleu cheese.

Sitting next to Pegasus was a delighted Ryuuji already picturing in his mind what outfit he was going to wear. “I can’t wait! Everybody who is somebody will be there! And imagine, a room full of men with large penises! Wow.”

Bakura snorted from his seat at the other end of the table before stabbing his fork into a raw piece of steak and biting off the corner with his fangs, not caring that blood was dribbling down his chin. “How the hell do you plan on even getting in with that noodle you call a dick.”

The raven-haired boy glared and threw a stick of butter towards his direction, which Bakura easily evaded. Instead, it landed in Jou’s food bowl and, for lack of anything better to eat, the blond started to lick the upper surface.

“My penis qualifies perfectly. You should be worrying about how you’re going to make it past security. You’ve been first on the Most Wanted list since you moved here.”

“Damn straight!” Bakura remarked, leaning back and tilting his chin up in pride. He had beaten out several rapists and child molesters, Pegasus included, for that position.

Pegasus scowled at both of them and shook his head. “Enough of this bickering. One of you better be the one Kaiba chooses. I could take over this entire kingdom if I were that close to Kaiba... oh yes, and imagine getting to grope the royal penis.” He threw his head back and began to laugh maniacally.

Ryuuji and Bakura just stared at each other briefly before shrugging their shoulders and following suit, joining in the maniacal laughter. The blond was left to watch them all, having licked half a stick of butter and not really feeling very good at all.

The laughter ended after four and a half minutes, and Pegasus cleared his throat, sitting up straight. “Now, seriously speaking. This is our plan of attack. Ryuuji, I want you to wear your ass-less pants. Bakura, I want you to wear your ass-less pants. Everything understood?”

“What about me...?” a little voiced piped up from the corner.

All eyes turned to stare at Jou, whose ears were hanging miserably over his face. The three other men in the room stared at each other again before bursting out into another five minutes of rampant laughter.

In between gasps, Pegasus shook his head, standing up and making his way to Jou to pet him. “Oh, I’m sorry, my boy. Someone must stay here and make sure our house isn’t invaded by the Amish.”

“But... this is a fairytale. The Amish don’t exist...”

“Keep telling yourself that, boy,” the amber-eyed pedophile comforted as he arranged Jou’s ears properly.

Jou felt horrible the rest of the night and all of the following day. He moped around the house, hanging his head low, not even feeling up to playing with his bone or chasing the ball around. He really wanted to go, just so he could feel human again for once. He also wanted to meet Prince Kaiba, whom he heard was quite the sex god... or something like that.

“JOU! Bring me my boots and my handcuffs!!” Ryuuji wailed from his room.

Everyone was hastily getting ready for the ball except for Jou who was being forced to fetch things and spray a gallon of hairspray into Pegasus’ hair to give it that nice stiff and hard texture.

“Here you go,” Jou mumbled as he handed the aforementioned items to the raven-haired boy.

“Aw, good boy. Have a treat,” Ryuuji replied, tossing another awful doggy treat to the floor. Jou didn’t have the heart to force it into his stomach and instead kicked it under the bed while his adopted brother was distracted trying to properly arrange his package in his too tight leather pants.

Another yell came from the room across the hall. “Jou! Bring me my set of knives and a pack of Trojans.”

The blond grumbled as he shuffled down the hall with the next list of items, tossing them onto the bed. “What do you need the condoms for?”

“In case I end up having to fuck that idiot prince,” Bakura muttered as he found strategic places to hide his knives. Jou didn’t want to question it, but he could have sworn a knife was slid in between Bakura’s butt cheeks.

“Boys! Are you ready? Get your cute little tushies down here!” Pegasus called from by the door. He was all decked out in his most gaudy bright red tuxedo, a black cape and tall hat added for that classy yet utterly demented magician effect.

Both Ryuuji and Bakura left their rooms and joined Pegasus at the front door. Ryuuji was wearing his ass-less pants and a mesh t-shirt to match along with his favorite extra pointy boots. Bakura, in his disobedience, wore regular leather pants and a long black jacket, not bothering with a shirt for the make-everyone-within-a-ten-mile-radius-drool effect. A saddened Jou went to see them off, holding the door open as they walked out, Pegasus stopping to pet him again and give his rump a little smack.

“Be good. Remember to stay off the furniture and use the newspapers in the corner to do your business.”

A scowl lit the blond’s face, and he threw the door shut, glaring at it. “It’s not fair!” he growled.

Within seconds, all the fifty servants who had been hiding throughout the story because they were horribly afraid of their three young masters came out dressed in disco gear. The lights dimmed and a disco ball fell from the ceiling as the song “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees started playing.

“I hate it when they do this,” Jou grumbled, deciding to spend the night outside underneath the stars where he could dream and wish as much as he pleased.

He made his way to the front lawn and plopped down on the steps, watching as Pegasus’ carriage rode off into the distance. With a sigh, he closed his eyes and let the cool breeze hit his face, knowing that this was probably the best it was going to get.

His peaceful reverie was suddenly shattered as an ominous dark purple carriage led by two camels pulled up in front of him. His eyes snapped open, and he tensed up in fear. “What the-“

The statement was left unfinished as the dog costume-wearing blond was hauled into the carriage by two tall men wearing dark purple hoods with little pictures of the eye of Horus on them. The carriage rode away from the mansion in a fury, and Jou could feel his stomach leaping into his throat.

Sitting across from him was another tall, dark-skinned male with hieroglyphs carved onto his face and a pony tail tied back with a light purple bow. Jou swallowed hard, definitely not liking how “festive” things were getting. It was just him and the creepy looking man in one tiny carriage while the other two men were riding in the front, guiding the camels.

“Who-who are you ...guys?” he asked, staring into two hazel eyes.

The dark-skinned man bowed his mostly bald head. “I apologize for not having introduced myself. My name is Rishido. I have taken you on behalf of the Egyptian Mafia. It appears you are wanted by the Fairy Godfather.”

“The what!?!” Jou exclaimed, never before having heard of the Egyptian Mafia. The fear inside of him melted away and instead, he burst out into insane laughter. “You...can’t... be serious!” he said in between chuckles, holding his stomach as he doubled over.

Rishido sat straight-backed, watching him silently, a completely serious expression on his face. “Yes, I am very serious. I wouldn’t have this expression if I weren’t serious. Now, compose yourself before you appear in front of the Fairy Godfather.”

Jou rolled his eyes and decided to go along for the ride, figuring dealing with the Egyptian Mafia would be far better than staying home all night and listening to the rest of the Bee Gees greatest hits album. ‘Besides, how bad could it be? These guys don’t look very scary.’

Oh, poor, poor Jou. He didn’t know what he had gotten himself into, but he would soon find out. Yes, he will soon find out. Mwa ha ha ha!

So ends the first chapter of what may be one very bizarre tale --; What WILL happen next? Please review or flame if you’d like. As long as it’s a response! And does count flames as reviews, which makes the review counter go up so any response is a good response... sort of. Um..where was I? ..Oh yes! If I don’t get enough reviews, I’m abandoning this project and refusing to write anymore fics.

Special Thanks to Pepita-chan for beta-ing! Enjoy your trip and such tomorrow!

(1) As opposed to Bejeezus.