Éowyn and Gollum: A Match Made in Heaven
The usual disclaimer applies...I don't own it.

I saw that there were no Eowyn/Gollum love stories, so I wrote this thing that supports that ship. It's quite pointless.

It seems as if most people support weird ships. There are tons of Aragorn/Arwen shippers, and an abundance of Frodo/Sam shippers, but no one seems to support the most obvious couple: Éowyn and Gollum. If you look at them, you will see that they are so meant to be...

Gollum is basically a sexy bitch. He travels through Middle-earth in nothing but a loincloth, he seduces things by calling them his 'preciouses', and he likes jewelry, especially evil rings. He is a pimp, a sweet pimp, mind you, but nobody cares. Nobody wants to love him like that...but we all know Éowyn does.

Éowyn is what I like to call a multicultural spazzbucket, despite the fact that she is not multicultural. Anywho, she is scary and looks for love in all the wrong places. I suppose she never looked in Mordor, some high mountains or Mirkwood, where Gollum was prancing about in his dirty brown loincloth and eating raw fish. She wants Gollum, Gollum wants her. It's destiny, you marsupial.

They have so much in common. First of all, they both have extremely freaky eyes. Éowyn wants to stare into Gollum's eyes forever and try to read his mind, which is full of images of crocodiles reading newspapers. Secondly, they both look constipated. It's not too hard to go to the store and buy some Philip's chews, is it? Awe...that will be their first date!

We all know that they love each other. Éowyn wants to make him wear her uncle's lacy granny panties. Gollum wants to call Éowyn his 'preciousssss nugget' and serenade her with songs about stolen tapeworms. They want to have children...many children...all named Matthew, even if they are of the feminine sort. Gollum and Éowyn want to grow old together and play miniature golf with a kiwi. They also want me to stop writing this before you get sick, that is if you already aren't. The end.