I play a fun game called the 'random fandom game'. I pick a random movie or book and write something weird about it. This month's random fandom story is based on that funny movie called Titanic. It's been ages since I saw it, but that doesn't matter one bit. There are no ships because I don't care. Only the insanity is mine. I will never read Titanic fan fiction, so don't ask.

This is rated R for obvious reasons. Constructive criticism is what I want. I know I am weird; there is no need to hate me for it.

-MERCURY, VENUS, EARTH AND MARS-

One might say that I, Minerva Gooseplop, really didn't deserve to travel on a luxurious boat thing with my father and teddy bear. You see, my life was a pile of shit before I got the opportunity to go to America. I was born in a dumpster, and my parents were Horace Gooseplop and a quail. This explains why I have feathers. Anywho, I grew up like a normal child. I lived in that dumpster, sold my mum into slavery and drank Bath and Body Works lotion every day until my skin and feathers turned a shocking purple colour.

When I was ten, in the year 1912, I was on the street selling pairs of lacy underwear used by Gollum when I saw a fat dude advertising a boat called the Titanic. I dropped the panties and ran home. I told my father about this stupid boat thing, and he agreed to take me to America even though he didn't know anything about the trip at all. We couldn't afford the tickets, so we read morbid poetry and pulled a man named Sierra's tail.

The day of the journey finally arrived. We burned our dumpster to the ground and went off to wherever the Titanic was. It was spiffy. I was wearing a beautiful pair of yellow sneakers, a loincloth and my favourite coconut bra. This turned many people on. I was a guy magnet. When my father and I went down to our bedroom thing, we were amazed. The walls were white and there were rats. Yippee! Dinner!

I met a man named Jack Dawson. He was an ugly man, and he had a clown fetish. He hung pictures of clowns near his bed, he had clown shoes, and he listened to circus music. Jack was a sweet dude, but he was quite violent. On the first day of our journey, he threw my father overboard and renamed himself Margarita. Jack – I mean Margarita – and I fell in love. It was spiffier than watching the cast of 'New Zealand on Ice' soiling themselves.

Just when things were getting serious, he met some whore named Rose. Margarita ignored me and left me alone. No one cared about me at all, so I called some infamous hit men. I explained the situation to them. These evil bastards were extremely nice. They agreed to put huge icebergs and drowsy oak trees in the water, which would sink the Titanic and force a man named Lydia to wear a prom gown.

The night of the event finally came. Sometime at night, the Titanic hit a huge iceberg because the dude in the crow's nest was too immersed in his porno squirrel video to see that gigantic mass of ice. Muahahahaha! I shall keep this short, you giraffe chewing Juicy Fruit gum! Many people died, including Margarita. I lived. This made me feel like a papaya reading the New York Times. When I was old enough to buy a gun, I shot Rose and we all lived happily ever after.

The end.