Mary Sues 101
Lesson 13: Mutated Sues – according to Goldberg

Hey everyone! I’m Greg Goldberg, but typically I’m just called Goldberg or Goldie. Hmm, Charlie said I should probably tell you about myself. Well, I play hockey, obviously. I am Julie’s backup goalie now, but Coach Orion converted me to a defenseman. I am one of very few athletic Jews. I like reading newspapers, biographies, and stuff about Chinese astrology, watching old westerns and the Food Network, cooking, all types of music and even playing some video games.

Okay, does anyone else feel like I should just sign up for e-harmony? Because really, why do any of you need to know this? Is anyone trying to match themselves up with me based on forty-nine different deep, meaningful levels of compatibility? No? Well, okay then.

I’m doing a lesson on ‘Mutated Mary Sues,’ which is sort of like the evolution of Sues as a species. See? Darwin was right about evolution.

We ought to cover these Sues, I guess? And Banks is so wrong, I did NOT leave this lesson to the last minute. I started it two, no almost THREE hours ago. I was only tweaking it an hour ago. So there.

Onwards to the lesson, then, huh?

Overview
What you really need to know going into this is that Mutated Sues are still Sues. They are considered ‘mutated’ because they come from ‘regular’ Sues but aren’t exactly the same. Mutated Sues are the weirdos you find in every breed, and are almost like hybrids. Canon Sue is a cousin of Perfect, Loving, and Friendly Sue because she possesses qualities of those Sues but isn’t an original character. Most likely, the author was trying to write the canon character and failed (miserably). Yenta Sue comes from Friendly and Loving Sue because she has qualities of both and as a result does something slightly different with herself, but is still a Sue in that she is perfectly beautiful and wonderful (and maybe tormented) all over.

Canon Sue
She’s dark. She’s dangerous. She’s typically Connie. Canon Sue is a canon character turned into a Mary Sue by the author, where all her canon characteristics vanish and she becomes a shadow of her former self. It’s sort of like an ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ type of deal, except humanity is never warned. Like I said, this typically happens to Connie, although Julie and Linda also are victims of being Canon Sue-d.
It is also important to note that male Ducks are often turned into Canon Stus. Most original characters in the Duck fandom are female and can’t be Canon Sues, but male Ducks are often Canon Stu-d (review your notes of Banksie’s lesson on Gary Stu for more details).
Family Tree: Perfect Sue, Loving Sue, Friendly Sue.
Chums: any Duck, as it is usually Connie or Julie.

Lesbian Sue
Lesbian Sue is unique in the fact that she is a lesbian. Lesbian Sue is incredibly uncommon, and the only reason I know she isn’t a myth is because I’ve seen lesbian original characters in the Ducks fandom, so the Sues must be out there. But you know how often I’ve seen lesbian original characters? Twice, and they weren’t even attracted to Connie or Julie, but to each other. Lesbian Sue is an exceptionally rare breed of Sue, as most Sues are self-inserts of authors with a crush on one of the guys (read: Adam or Charlie or Portman). The rest of us are more or less ignored. Poor Kenny. Remember his sexually frustrated rant from the first lesson? Yeah. Anyway, Lesbian Sue continues ignoring Kenny and is just that: a lesbian. Her crush will typically be Connie or Julie, I imagine, as there are only two girls on the Ducks.
Because there are so few Lesbian Sues, I can only give you an educated guess on what I think will happen, which begins with Lesbian Sue having a crush on Connie/Julie. Lesbian Sue uses lots of slang terms to refer to gays, as it is considered “cool” these days to degrade yourself, right? The rest of the story will proceed similarly to a regular romance, with one exception: there is a possibility that Connie/Julie will tell Lesbian Sue that she doesn’t swing that way but is very flattered and still wants to be friends. This, however, is a small possibility as this is a Sue we’re talking about. I imagine that Lesbian Sue would be friends with all the guys as well.
But as I said, Lesbian Sue is extremely, extremely rare. This is unchartered territory, and we’re not entirely sure how she operates. If you see one, proceed with caution.
Family Tree: Angsty Sue, Naughty Sue.
Chums: Portman, Fulton.

Yenta Sue
For those of you who don’t have Jewish grandmothers, and haven’t been forced to sit through ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ sixty-two times and counting, a yenta is Yiddish term for a matchmaker. More modernly, it is term for someone who is meddlesome, gossipy, and a bit of a nuisance, but that’s not what that person is in this case. Yenta Sue is a matchmaker and never meddlesome, because Sues have no bad qualities. Yenta Sue usually has unrequited love for a character (let’s say Banksie, since he is everyone’s favorite example) but wants him to be happy, and sets him up with the girl of his dreams (let’s say Julie…and please don’t kill me, Portman, this is just an example). Anyway, this usually means lots of angst for poor Yenta Sue, but don’t worry, she’s a Sue. She steals Adam’s soul in the end.
Occasionally there is no unrequited love and Yenta Sue is just doing a friend a favor, but not usually. Unrequited love is something that typically goes with Suedom.
Family Tree: Loving Sue, Friendly Sue.
Chums: Adam, Charlie, Guy, Luis.

Bitchy Snob Sue
Bitchy Snob Sue is another one where the name pretty much speaks for itself. This Sue is a bitchy snob. She is most likely outside the Ducks social circle and in very tight with the Varsity team. Think Varsity cheerleader. She is bitchy because she isn’t very nice, and is a snob because she thinks she’s better than everyone else. I don’t really know how to make this any clearer. There are two things that keep her from being an actual person instead of a Sue and they are 1) she is STILL perfectly beautiful, and 2) she probably has some dark secret that makes “being a huge bitch to poor kids” her “defense mechanism.”
Will Bitchy Snob Sue eventually see the error of her ways and become de-snobbed and de-bitchified? Of course. And she might even try to bring together everyone no matter what their social circle! She’s quite the humanitarian. But this is what makes Bitchy Snob Sue unique to even this group of Sues: she morphs into a regular Sue by the end of the story – like a friggen butterfly. This often happens to Luis’s girlfriend and other members of the Varsity cheerleading squad. Linda is also sometimes portrayed as a Bitchy Snob Sue.
Family Tree: Perfect Sue, Naughty Sue. An odd combination, but true none-the-less.
Chums: The Varsity team, and whichever Duck she ends up befriending/romancing.

Of course, there are other mutations out there, but these are the major ones that lurk even more deeply in the shadows. You really ought to be afraid of the dark. But that about wraps up my lesson.

Now, this was the final lesson, so we should break for lunch and then we Ducks can hold a Question and Answer session to clear up any issues and questions people may have.

See you back here in a bit!
-Goldberg