PERFECT OPTIMISM
(CLAMPraven)

Author's notes: Sometimes I think that I don't deserve my readers. It's ridiculous that I'm still on anyone's favourites list when I haven't updated my stories in months. I'd already forgotten how to craft the random humour that made Siren Cove engaging for me to write, so that's definitely on hiatus. Eeeeeep. In the meantime, I've decided to try and get my act together slowly. This is a one-shot...the easiest form of story for me to write. Continuity had always been my biggest fault. When I don't have to have any continuity, this is what results.

Bewaaaaaare of slaaaaaash!! But you already knew that, didn't you?

Whole thing's in Fai's POV. I now spell Fye as "Fai", in accordance with the Del Rey translation. It takes some getting used to. But get used to it, I most certainly will.

I must ask you to please don't review it positively if it sucks. Tsubasa-RC is a budding franchise, yes. And there hasn't been a lot of Kuro/Fai fanfiction in English. But you don't have to stoop to my level, if you aren't already there. And by God, yes, if my Kuro/Fai fanfics do suck, then please take the initiative to write good ones! I could definitely use some reading material! Eheheheh...

It's amazing how some people can sum up what they love about another person in a single sentence...one phrase, one word, one precious memory that time could not wash away. I was never very good at that.

I would say it's because I hated the one I loved. No matter what, I can't seem to place Ashura-oh in one light. I felt passionately about him...and I still do. I would say that. And so whenever I think back to him, the way he would address me formally in the great halls of Celes and so intimately when we were sprawled out in his private domain...I'd feel terrible. Our relationship was not sacred, and he knew it. It was, how you say, the catalyst in a series of events that shattered our world. How droll.

What is with this...undying desire for something sacred? It's tiring to want something you can never have. But this horrible need is the only thing that keeps me happy.

I still believe I can smile honestly. I'm not really an optimist, it's true, but...I believe it.

Yes...I have wondered about it. I do wonder how exactly this desire is preserving me, keeping me honest and appreciative of every world I go through, giving me the willpower to support Syaoran and his princess, the nerve to tease Kuro-pi. There's something about it that gives me – although they are rare and in between – my greatest moments of happiness.

Do you know what it is? It's because I still expect it to come true...that one day, I can find internal peace, that I can build a new life in a new world...and that someday, when I'm old and content for all I've done, I could sum up that person in a single perfect phrase, something I could never do for my dear Ashura.

I will never lose that hope. That's something I can surely smile about, no matter what.

I do want to fall in love again.

It seemed as though my life were a series of fragments, a thousand contradictions looking out into the world to find a common bond, something that can piece together the fragments into a single person, one Fai D. Flowright.

I remember a while ago when I started this journey with Syaoran and the others. It seems like ages ago. I remember thinking at the beginning...I didn't know for sure, because I wasn't an optimist, but I definitely thought...that, if I could fall in love absolutely with another person in another world, I would stay in that world. It wouldn't matter what kind of world it was, tyrannical or horrifying or tragic. Or perhaps, even serene.

I would stay with that person, until the end of that world came. I made that promise to myself, somewhere between bidding farewell to Chii and faux-molesting Syaoran. Can't quite remember. What I can recall was that I thought for sure that I could keep this one promise to myself, and have that much surety in my future. Yes, even that little.

Then, we went around Hanshin and Kuro-chan suddenly pulled his kudan out of thin air. And I found, to a certain amount of ambivalence, that my travelling plans had changed.

It was when I learned that men could still be noble.

Syaoran could see that; I think the boy values his opinion immensely. I predict that when Sakura springs awake, she would do the same. Right now, she's a touch intimidated, and rightly so.

Kuro-rin came from another time and place. He's not like any of us. His discipline is staunch. His instincts are impeccable. I have never met anyone with such piercing eyes. He reveals nothing about himself unless you are deigned worthy to fight him...and that's when his unspoken emotions are released in flashes of fire, invisible sword strokes, a dance of fists and feet. I have never seen him as a hostile creature. God knows he's dead quiet unless a rumble's on or until Mokona and I risk death – yet again – trying to force feed him or impersonate him.

He brought laughter to my eyes.

He's obstinate. I won't deny it. And yet there's something immediately attractive about a person who is so steadfast in his opinions of life and people in general. I find myself disagreeing with him often, and voicing it to some degree. But I was always fascinated by his resolution.

I think only Yuuko and Mokona would agree with me when I say that he's a perfect optimist. Yes, he complains. Often. But he's absolutely certain of his future, and prepared to face it. He knows that his world is the best and only world in which he belongs; he doesn't try to do futile things, like...oh, I wouldn't know, escaping to another world.

See? He doesn't even need sarcasm. He doesn't use sarcasm. But I...I think it. All the time. And I tease – good-naturedly, of course – but he doesn't even need other people to be content. When he tells me to get lost or to go to hell, there's no double meaning, except that before I'd distracted him, he was genuinely concentrating on the means to get back to his Tomoyo-hime, and I was not important because I was too useless to do what I wanted.

In fact, he doesn't need anything. Not even drink. That scares me.

I have never seen him mope. I sometimes doubt that he's human. He knows he will be happy eventually. He will only pick up a sword or get up to do something if it will get him there. And he...makes me laugh.

And like any optimist, he could sum me up in a single perfect word.

I've changed my mind.

I want to see his world. I want to go to his country, if I can. I know nothing about him, and I can't forget Ashura-oh, but...he makes me believe that I can do it. That I can get where I want to go, if I want to go there. He'd told me so the night we faced the kijis in Outo country, and he'd do it again. He...believes in me. It was a silent affirmation, for the most part, but...

There was something the others never knew.

The night we all got horribly drunk in Outo, Kuro-wan carried me from the sofa to my bed. The day after, I'd feigned forgetfulness. But what we said that night – even though it made only the slightest sense – never left me.

"Tell me about your world, nyan..." I slurred drunkenly as he lowered me down onto the soft mattress, and reached for the lights. "I want you to take me there. I want to learn your crazy language, nyan...the one that makes no sense to me right now, nyan? I want to meet your...princess...want to see your Souma, nyan, see if her breasts are as big as the ones she has in Outo country..."

He raised an eyebrow. I could tell that he wanted to smack me for what I said, but didn't feel like hitting me while I was down. "You really have no alcohol tolerance whatsoever. Just shut up and go to sleep."

But of course, I chose not to. "...Is your world beautiful, nyan?"

"I wouldn't try and go back if it weren't." His answer was quiet, but came almost immediately. In the dim light of the moon, his eyes burned a steady red, like bright flames.

There was an emotion on his face that I couldn't quite translate. In that moment I felt a cold fear submerge my entire body; it occurred to me that I might never be able to understand what he did. Not if I spent a thousand years with him in Nihon country...not if I could comprehend the words of his favourite melodies, not if I met everyone who was dear to him. Unless I, too, was...

"Am I important to you...?" I asked, with such clarity of mind that I scared myself. Not even drink could make my doubts go away. And suddenly, I felt embarrassed to have talked so much...for the first time in my life.

He paused. The shadow of the clouds streaked over his face like currents of ocean foam. When he turned to me, his silhouette shone in the brightness of the night. My eyes were no longer fogged over...I could see him. Clearly. Perhaps for the first time. He smiled, briefly and wryly, a smile that did not fade. I didn't want this to be an illusion.

I clutched his hand, and I squeezed hard. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't...I couldn't doubt that look in his eyes, how clear the starlight shone, how warm my heart suddenly felt...

I wanted him. And I...I knew. I knew for certain.

"You're such a pain in the ass." he whispered quietly. "Do what you want, without hesitation. I have absolute loyalty to my princess, and I need to return to her side. That's my priority...I can't think about you." He exhaled softly, and reached out to touch my tousled hair. "You have to try to forget him. When that happens...maybe."

"Can you love a useless person?" I realized that I was smiling. Why was I smiling? Kurogane, you are infectious. I suppose even you can't hide the fact that you're making me a better person. I can be strong for you.

I can be strong...from now on...

"I already do." he grinned. "But I don't have to like it."

I've found my single perfect moment, a moment I could describe Kuro with, a moment that epitomizes what I love about him. Even if I lost every other memory of him, I could be happy with that one...shining...moment, in which I was terribly off-kilter and he...he looked better than ever.

If I hold it in my heart and never forget it, no matter how much time passes by, no matter how many obstacles I face...and if I can admit to myself that I was even happy, when I was with Ashura-oh...

...I might become an optimist, too.

End notes: Twiiiiiiiisted. Eheh.

I do believe that Fye is a little (try VERY) OOC here. Um. I can imagine his inner monologue coming out like this. But that's because I'm twiiiiiiiiisted. Yes. (Coughs)

On a completely unrelated note, I thought about putting "le fin" at the end. Boy, that was a stupid idea. Glad I didn't do it. But I thought about it.