A/N: Hey everybody! It's me, echo!

Audience: blank stare

Echo: blink

Audience: Who are you?

Echo: ...never mind.

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. If I did, I'd be happier than some poor kid on ecstasy.

Here's the story.

Himura Kenshin sighed. It was well past midnight, and he couldn’t sleep. Insomnia didn’t visit everyday, but when it did, well, beware, Battousai. Sleep was never a friend to anyone. But Kenshin wanted to sleep. He usually rose with the sun, both by habit and a need to escape the nightmares, but he was indeed human, and humans need sleep. He had once gone six entire days without an ounce of sleep, but hadn’t tried it again, as the side effects weren’t exactly preferred.

There were just too many things on his mind, and he couldn’t be at peace. Being a swordsman, Kenshin knew control of the mind inside and out. Just as you cannot hope to live in a battle if you were distracted, you couldn’t hope to sleep while you’re brain’s being pummeled with thoughts.

Using that control, Kenshin usually pushed away all his thoughts before sleep to lessen the nightmares, but enough is enough. Once every few months, all the rejected thoughts would haunt him, causing insomnia. And Kenshin got away from insomnia by pushing those unwanted thoughts away, and the cycle begins again.

Vicious, really.

Kenshin needed to get the memories away, because they were not making Battousai happy. Sighing once again, he figures that if anything, he needs to “talk about his feelings.” That was impossible. It was much too late and nobody would understand anyway.

So the rurouni did the next best thing; he wrote a letter.

----

“Now if I were a sack of money, where would I be?” Sanosuke muttered to himself.

He couldn’t believe that Kenshin trusted him with the task of fetching his money, but apparently, the ex-hitokiri had a late morning in addition to extra laundry and needed to go to town for salt, miso, soy sauce, and the likes. Sanosuke dug around Kenshin’s futon, but couldn’t find it. Kenshin didn’t seem like the type to his gold. Hmm... Maybe he would make an exception this time, just this once, and not take anything.

Giving up the search in the small, wooden wardrobe, Sanosuke took a crazy idea and looked in the trashcan. It was empty, except for a crumpled sheet of paper. No gold. Wait a minute... The paper had “Kaoru-dono” written on it...

Knowing he shouldn’t snoop, but ignoring that knowledge, Sanosuke picked it up and smoothed it out. So it was a letter. A love letter, perhaps? No. No one, no matter how big of a clueless dolt he was, would start a love letter like this...

Jou-chan would like this...

Pocketing it, Sanosuke went and tried to get Kenshin to ask the whereabouts of his money, but instead ran into a sweaty and panting Yahiko. He’s probably on break from his morning lessons.

“Hey Rooster Head,” the boy called. “Kenshin said to tell you he left already. He found the money in the dirty laundry.”

Before Sanosuke could reply, Yahiko had already dashed back to the dojo. He shook his head. He would never misplace his money. Ever.

----

Koaru went to her room to change into a kimono after the lesson with Yahiko. She didn’t know why she even bothered changing. She never broke into a sweat with Yahiko, now that she doesn’t have to chase him around for an hour before he came to lessons. She didn’t need to yell at him much anymore either; she was used to Ugly and Hag. Though the child was considerably better than when she first started teaching him, he was nowhere near ¼ of her level.

“Hey Jou-chan,” Sano’s voice called. “Let me in.”

Puzzled, Kaoru opened the door for him, “What’s going on?”

He grinned, “Can’t a guy say hi to his favorite Missy?”

Kaoru smiled at him. Sano had never failed to make her smile.

“Anyway, thought you might want this,” he said and tossed a crumpled sheet of paper to her. “Later.”

Kaoru shut the door after him and smoothed the paper out. Her eyes grew wide as she realized what it was...

Dear Kaoru-dono,

Hitokiri: assassin. Manslayer. Serial killer. Murderer.

Hitokiri Battousai, I, spilled enough blood to fill every hot springs in Japan and still have enough left over to shower. Human blood too, might I add. It is the bright red substance that gives you life. It is the colorless liquid that drowns me in my dreams. Do you know the smell of it? Do you know of the cold, metallic stench, as well as taste, even when the blood itself is still fresh and warm? Do you know the texture of it? Do you know of the lightly sticky liquid just a bit thicker than drinking water? Do you know of the fear it arouses in you when you see someone you care about drenched in it? Do you know what the sight of blood does to a person?

I do.

And it makes me unstable. I know you know that much.

I am tainted, Kaoru-dono. Every time I see my reflection in the river, every time I bow my head to look at my attire, I see everything stained with blood. I see everything stained with the blood that I have shed. The shadows of every person my blade has pierced through stalks me everywhere I go, taking my life bit by bit, as I had taken theirs in seconds' time. Do you feel them? They reside with us, you know. I offer an apology in their place, that they're here without your permission, all 237 of them. Yes, 237. Not all were ordered murders; 86 were the assignments. Everyone else were guards, or were just in the way.

I thought you should know that. Just how many lives perished because of me.

I wonder why you've still allowed me to sleep in the room next to your own when only a thin sheet of paper separates them. Is it recklessness, in which we met? Is it because little Yahiko looks up to me and you're keeping me around for his sake? Is it because you are simply much to kind hearted to tell me to go? Is it because you don't wish to believe that I am capable of ending your life if I wished?

You see? I am unfit of a place like this. You offered it to me anyway. You're so kind, Kaoru-dono. You're so generous. You're just like my dear Tomoe, giving more than you have. A nd do you see where it has gotten her? What good it did to her?

Kaoru silently covered her mouth with her left hand. She could feel the tears swell up behind her eyelids, but absolutely refused to allow them to fall. Her heart had been pumped with so many emotions: curiosity, love, pain, helplessness, jealousy, despair... Kaoru thought it had to have exploded by now.

She knew she wasn't supposed to read this letter, though it was addressed to her, but there was no way she could stop now. The young swords instructor was filled with a new desire, an urgent wave of need to understand the shy, polite rurouni she was in love with.

I don't want anything to happen to you. Losing Tomoe is enough pain for one lifetime. And you're so young too. You have your whole life ahead of you. It pains me to think of it shortening. If anything happened to you, especially if it's because of me, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I hope you'll live a long, happy, and prosperous life.

It's what I've been trying to give to the people who deserve it, you know. But who am I, a murder, to decide who should or should not be happy? I am nothing, I know. I am unworthy of anything. But I do wish for atonement, though I deserve it not. I need to give back everything I took. That's what I thought I was doing by fighting for the Revolution. I thought that while I was doing good, I was also paying my debt to society by doing what I could to give the people individualism.

But what good is it if there is no one left to enjoy it?

It is late, Kaoru-dono. Sunrise isn't far. A new day is being born. I love dawn. It is the beginning of something different, something new, where it is possible to change the outcome of dusk. I have heard that an old soul likes dawn, as it is young, while a young soul likes dusk, as it is old. I am right in saying you prefer sunset, ne?

Tomoe liked it best at noon, when there is the most amount of sun, and least amount of shadow. She felt safer, we all felt safer, during daytime. Less numbers perished on both sides of the war. With night came the threats of death, the deceit, the bloodshed. It was vicious and quick, the fastest five years of my life. There wasn't enough time for much of anything, especially grief. And we all needed grief the most. We were always on the run, changing our dwellings every few weeks. We had hardly ever been home; it was too dangerous.

Kaoru-dono... I am afraid that I'm forgetting her. Tomoe doesn't deserve to be forgotten. She loved me, knowing full well that I am a monster. I still can't seem to comprehend that now, over a decade later. She made so many sacrifices for me, you understand, and I was, and still am, unworthy of her, especially now. And do you want to know why? I doubt it, but here I go.

Because now, every time I think of my dear sweet Tomoe and everything she had done in my name, all I can think about is if you can do the same?

Do you see my worth?

Do you see how in love with you I am?

I am sure it would repulse even you, the loving lady you are, to know that a bloodthirsty killer loves you, craves to hold you and never let go. I didn't deserve Tomoe's love, and I don't suppose I'll ever gain yours. It's a wonder you even consider me a friend at all. The fact that you offered me a home here should be investigated.

I am so unworthy of you, Kaoru-dono. I cannot allow these bloodstained hands to touch you. You're so pure, so clean... I am sorry I feel for you, I am. However, I am more sorry to Tomoe, because her life went to waste. And I am sorry to her because I love you more than I have ever been able to love her. So much more...

Everyone who has shown me kindness, ever, has suffered. I never wish you to suffer, Kaoru-dono.

You're pure. You don't know about war and the scars that come with it. You have been shown more than your fair share of strife by the loss of your family and by those who hunt down Battousai. To keep you from it, I would just get up and leave. But I can barely spend a single day without seeing your charming face. You're so beautiful, inside and out. Though I feel like a pile of garbage next to you, I just cannot bring myself to be separated from you.

Again, I ask your forgiveness, for my selfishness.

There is no point to this letter, really. I just couldn't sleep. And I guess some part of me wanted you to know that I love you. I could never stand your rejection. It would be Battousai's downfall. In the end, all I'm trying to do is put a bit of my fantasy onto paper, the closest to reality it would ever be.

With more love than you'll ever know,

Himura Kenshin

Kaoru faintly choked back a sob. Kenshin. Her sweet, clueless Kenshin.

Do you not know that the only way for me to be happy is if I'm with you?

"Kaoru-dono," a soft, masculine voice called from her door. "Lunch is ready."

Kaoru turned to Kenshin, drawn by his voice. She hadn't even really heard what he had said, just saw the smiling man before her, doing the most absurd thing she's ever heard of: offering her lunch.

"Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin called again, this time more quietly, eyes full of question.

How could he just stand there and go about everything as if he's fine when he's bleeding a river inside?

Kaoru wanted to scream at him. She wanted to know why he wanted to keep everything to himself, when he so obviously needed some sort of release. Kaoru only stared at Kenshin, his hair like a burning inferno, his eyes soft, hiding more secrets than she could ever hope to see. The young woman was dimly aware that she hadn't said a word to Kenshin, and that he loved her. But they seemed like minor details in a giant tapestry of interweaving events, because the only thing she could take a firm, almost tangible grasp on was the fact that Kenshin was in pain.

"Are you all right? Do you need Megumi-dono?"

Kenshin's words yet again failed to reach Kaoru's ears. She glanced down at the letter in her hand and felt Kenshin's worried eyes follow her gaze. They widened at what she held in her hands. Kaoru stared back at Kenshin. His eyes were covered in the blanket of his beautiful hair, and he looked smaller somehow. More defeated.

"This unworthy one is sorry..." he began.

"Shut up," Kaoru whispered.

Kenshin's jaws snapped shut as he cast his eyes onto himself. Kaoru noticed his cheeks flush slightly as the once most feared man in Japan fidgeted under her gaze. She had a crazy thought that Kenshin didn't think himself "worthy" enough to look at her. He thought he was unworthy. Himura Kenshin. Unworthy. The two ideas were in a standoff within Kaoru's mind, and she hoped Kenshin would squash this ridiculous "unworthy" to a bloody pulp.

"If Kaoru-dono would like, this unworthy one can leave," Kenshin tried again, looking miserably at Kaoru.

"This is wrong," she said simply to herself, looking at Kenshin, but not seeing him. "This is disgusting and wrong."

If possible, Kenshin's shoulders drooped further. He had his entire head bowed, vision again obscured by his bangs. In his state of despair, he never noticed what she had done until he felt a warm body tackling him.

Kenshin's ears rang after the silence that followed.

Had he heard what he thought he had? Surely this was a mistake. Was his mind playing games on him? Battousai? Did he finally snap and gone off the edge?

It couldn't be. Kaoru was hugging him like he was her life.

"I love you," she mumbled again. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you!"

She raised her head and stared at him, backing away. Kenshin found himself missing the warmth of her body, and the promises it offered, and reached out to her again, nearly crushing her tiny frame against him. He sank his face into the black sea of Kaoru's silky black hair, the cent of jasmine filling him up. Kaoru wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his ear. Kenshin's mind blanked out and the only thing he could see and hear was Kaoru yelling that she loved him for the whole world to hear.

She didn't hate him.

She loved him.

She did NOT hate him.

Kenshin let go as Kaoru started to pull away. When he looked at her again, he found himself looking into tantalizing sapphire crystal orbs filled with tears. When he reached to brush them away, she gently pushed his arm away. Kaoru took a deep breath and looked at him, a tiny flicker of pain in her eyes. Gather his hands into her own, she spoke.

"Kenshin, let me get something straight with you."

What? Was she just playing with him before, seeing how badly she can screw him up? It could be, though. Kaoru is far too kind for it.

"You," she said harshly, "of all people, are not, and never will be unworthy."

Kenshin blinked and looked at her blankly, "But Kaoru-dono, this one IS unworthy."

"Of what, exactly?" Kaoru asked, all traces of bitterness gone.

"Of you," Kenshin replied automatically. "Of friends, of a home, of happiness."

"Why is that?" she asked again, nodding her head.

Kenshin tilted his head slightly to show his confusion, "Because I had taken all those things away from others."

When Kaoru opened her mouth again, Kenshin almost made to shush her. Couldn't she see this hurt? Kenshin hated talking about his past, which was one of the reasons he had written that dratted letter in the first place. Well, it can't be that bad because his Kaoru, HIS Kaoru, had just said she loved him.

But she was also deliberately asking him questions that made him feel more and more alone in a world where nobody would ever understand.

"You're unworthy of me. And friends," Kaoru repeated. "That's for me to decide. The decision belongs to us, as your friends, to decide whether or not you are truly unworthy."

Kenshin looked at Kaoru again and found her looking into his eyes, willing him to understand. When she had read his letters, she had, in theory, allowed him to speak without stop. He supposed he could try to do the same and give her a chance to say what she needed.

"You're unworthy of a home. Everyone needs a home. Everyone's born into a home. Everyone is provided with a home whether they like it or not. That is God's decision, not yours."

She paused, then, "That's what you tried to give Yahiko when you told me to teach him, isn't it?"

I nodded slowly, "But he didn't kill anyone."

"Of course not. He was ten at the time." And she went on, "Happiness. You think we have to earn happiness somehow? No way. Happiness goes to those who seek it and want it bad enough."

She paused again and gave me a long, hard look. Kenshin had the distinct impression that she had wanted to say this for a while.

"I think you're afraid to be happy."

What the hell?

"That's absurd," Kenshin interrupted.

Kaoru put a finger on his lips that sent shivers of pleasure through him. Suddenly, Kenshin was more than aware of the fact that he had denied himself close intimacy with anyone for more than a decade. He had closed his eyes to savor the pleasure, and was a bit put out when the finger lifted.

"Hear me out here," Kaoru whispered. "I can think of two periods when you were happy: as a child with your parents, and later with Tomoe-san, ne?"

Kenshin nodded again, keeping quiet. What was her point in all this? It hurt to remember them, and he didn't want to think about it. These memories were the ones that had either fueled his rage during the Bakumatsu, or subdued it. But upon further inspection, the piercing pain that had transformed into a dull ache was gone. In its place was a quiet acceptance of the past, of the thought that happiness wasn't made for him.

"Can you think of any more times?"

"No. Except for now."

Kaoru smiled a tiny bit, but it was radiant to him. "And just then, when you smiled," Kenshin breathed before he could stop to think about what he had said.

But it was true. When Kaoru smiled, the world seemed a much better place.

Kaoru smiled again with a blush, making his heart pound faster.

Kenshin would bet his inverted sword that if his heart failed somehow, all the doctors would have to do is have Kaoru smile at him and he would be fine.

"Well, the other times," she said, her smile fading.

Had he forgotten what they were talking about? This woman must have mystical powers to make him forget.

"The other times you had the happiness ripped away from you, and you were hurt."

Damn straight I was.

"And you don't want to feel that pain again."

Nobody would.

"And when you think about it, you'd rather be miserable than be hurt. But really, they're the same thing. Except in one scenario, you get to be happy for a while."

"But I haven't been miserable, completely, since I've met you," Kenshin to her honestly, all reserves of her hating him gone.

Kaoru smiled, and Kenshin wanted to kiss her more than ever, "I heard a saying somewhere that if you don't want something bad enough to let it go, you don't want it bad enough."

Kenshin thought a while. "I want you bad enough," he said slowly. "But if I have to let you go, you'd best be the happiest girl in Japan with your new man."

Kenshin had always ignored the stab of pain whenever he thought about Kaoru with some faceless man, because if she were happy, it would be good enough for him. It would probably always be that way. Her joy and every wish would always, always go before his own.

“You’ll never have to let me go,” Kaoru said with enough conviction to send every assassin to hell. “Because I’m not going to leave you. Ever.”

“That’s god to know.”

And it was. Kenshin couldn’t remember anything that had ever made him happier than hearing Kaoru say that.

“And the last thing. You don’t think you deserve this because you had taken things like these away from others,” Kaoru said.

Man she’s dedicated.

“Eye for an eye, huh?”

At his puzzled look, she continued, “If someone gouged out your eye, would you gouge out his?”

“Of course not,” Kenshin answered briskly; that’s ridiculous. “If I can’t see, he shouldn’t have to not see too.”

Kaoru looked at Kenshin with a small grin and a twinkle in her eyes, but didn’t say anything.

He blinked, “What?”

If anything, her smile got bigger.

Then realization dawned on him, “So... you’re saying I shouldn’t have to make myself lose everything because I shouldn’t have to suffer with everyone else?”

Kaoru shrugged, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Kenshin looked thoughtful, “But I do think I deserve this...”

“Don’t be a hypocrite!” Kaoru scolded, hitting his arm lightly.

Kenshin sighed, “I'll have to get used to this...”

Kaoru smiled, “Anything else?”

“Absolutely.”

In the heat of the moment, Kenshin smothered Kaoru’s lips with his own.

And he felt like he was in heaven.

----

“Well about damn time,” Sano muttered from the doorway. He couldn’t help the soft smile that rose at his lips, “Come on, Yahiko. Lunch is getting cold.”

The end

A/N: So how was it? I know it’s a little long, but I didn’t wanna make it a chapter thing. I’m too lazy. lol Don’t forget to review!