Author: Stephjag aka Steph

Email:

Website: I do not own the JAG characters; they are the propriety of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario. No copyright infringement intended.

Classification: Vignette / Drama / Romance Harm and Mac

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: "Hail and Farewell"

Summary: Harm's thoughts. After his talk with Mac he needs to go see his father at the wall.

Author's note: don't ask me where this comes from, because I don't have any idea. It just came that's all. I hope you'll enjoy it. There's nothing more to say about it. I guess you could say the story is some kind of Harm's POV, but it's for you to judge about that. This little story is for you Dae – you are a real friend. Thank you so much for being my friend and staying my friend even I knowing that I'm not so easy, and thank you, AeroGirl for still believing in me.

Many thanks to AeroGirl and Dae for beta-reading!

Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.

June, 25th 2004 0157 ZULU The Wall Washington, D.C.

Harm was standing in front of the Wall – where all the names of the men who'd lost their lives during the Vietnam War were carved into the stone. He reached out his hand and brushed his father's name with his thumb, swallowing hard. Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr had come here during all those years and he was still overwhelmed by emotions – this time what he felt was more intense, maybe because of the circumstances. Staring at it, he didn't move an inch.

"Hi, dad," he murmured.

Harm sighed. It was the first time in years that he came here to visit his father at another time than December 24. Harm needed to talk to someone, someone other than his colleagues at JAG. Besides, he couldn't talk to them about what he felt like since his talk with Mac. No one at JAG knew about Mac's biopsy or the results of it except him and Mac. It was their secret, but God knew how much Harm wished that he would be sharing another secret with her – a far sweeter secret.

Harm felt desperate and for the first time in a long while he felt like he was helpless, powerless. He wanted to help his friend, but he couldn't – well, he could, but it was not like he could really do something. All Harm could really do was listen to her, and give her his shoulder to cry on, and that was driving him crazy.

Something inexplicable had made him talk to her about their deal that night at the admiral's retirement. He knew it wasn't the right time to do it because she was in grief for Clay, and he'd also known that she'd loved him, but it was like the words had come out of his mouth without his willpower. He had to talk to her about it.

At first Mac was a little taken aback and shocked, but then she looked up at him straight in the eyes. What she'd said then was still turning and returning in his head.

"You know, men just seem to pass through my life, except for you. Will you always be there?"

Harm remembered himself answering "yes" without any hesitation, and then she had announced to him that she had cancer. At those words, his body had tensed, and his heart broke. His entire world collapsed into a million pieces. Even so, his answer did not change, and he knew it never would. He knew he wanted to stay by her side through every difficult moment she would have to go through in the near future. Clayton's funeral, the hospital visits, and everything. Harm knew he would be there for her for whatever she would need him for.

"Dad, Mac has an illness. It's not really life threatening, but she'll have to make a choice – a choice that'll affect her forever. I want to be there for her, I want to be strong for her. But what if I can't? Dad, I'm in love with her, but I can't find the words to tell her what I feel for her, and besides, right now is not really an appropriate time to do so. She just lost the man she loved — he fell overboard and drowned. I still don't understand why she was with him, but that's none of my business. Anyway, I don't know why I brought up our deal about having a baby together.

A couple of years ago, five years to be exact, I made a sort of commitment to her – a proposition to her. If neither of us were in a relationship five years from then we would have a baby together. And this is the week, and I brought it up. The truth is, dad, that I really want to have a baby with her. I feel like a bad person for wishing such a thing. I couldn't really stand the guy she was with, but still that is not a reason to make such a proposition. It's so misplaced.

Dad, I feel so bad about what I feel – but for the first time in my life I seem to really know what I want and I'm ready for it. I don't want to push her, and I won't push her, but I'm scared of losing her. What should I do? Dad, I'm lost in an ocean of uncertainties. How is this possible? I know what I want but I'm still so unsure. I wish you could be here to help... to help me find an answer to all the questions I have. I wish you could tell me which direction I should take and what to do...I miss you so much, dad."

Harm glanced down at the little rectangular box which contained his father's wings. The same pair of wings Jenny Lake had carried with her all these years – the wings he'd given her as a Christmas gift in 1969 because he thought everyone should have a Christmas gift at Christmas Eve. Jenny had given them back to Harm thirty-two years later, and he'd given them back to the one they'd belonged to in the first place, his father, by placing them in front of the wall next to a burning candle. The flame that reflected into it made them sparkle and it all made it appear even more symbolic that night.

Even today, Harm could still see there was a burning candle next to the little box that contained the wings, though; it was only in his mind because the little box had been taken away – as was supposed to be done with personal items. Watching the place where they had once been, Harm couldn't help murmuring, "Please, dad, help me find a way to help the woman I love."

Harm waited a little and closed his eyes. A gentle breeze came up and Harm could swear he heard his father's voice.

"Son, all you have to do is follow your heart, and remember that as long there's life there's hope ... and there will always be 'cause hope never dies."

Harm opened his eyes again, and straightening himself to salute his father before leaving, he murmured a last "thank you"...

If his father had really told him that, he was right, Harm thought to himself; as long as there was life there was hope.

- THE END -