This is a crossover/AU story, so be nice!

Morning came and the girls were getting up and about. Sophia was already in the kitchen, cooking yet another of her Sicilian-famous dishes. Dorothy came in and saw Sophia seated on the stool, sitting behind the stove, stirring a red sauce in a large pan.

"Ma, what are you doing?" Dorothy asked.

"It's called preparation, Pussycat, this is a 6-hour lasagna I'm making for lunch, I don't want to be on my feet all day and blow over from exhaustion," Sophia expalined.

"Ma, the last time you made that lasagna was a condolence meal for after I divorced Stan, why are you making it now?" Dorothy asked.

"I feel down, Pussycat, I went to see my boyfriend Tony today and his sister was there and told me he'd left me for another woman. Can you believe it? He left me for a 91-year-old recent widow in Orlando," Sophia said.

"Tony? The same man who dated you, Aunt Angela, and another woman?"

"He didn't date Angela...and yes, the same man, he was ready to make amends for what he did, we were supposed to go out today, but then I met his sister," Sophia explained.

"Ma, I'm terribly sorry," Dorothy said.

"Not half as much as I am, he owed me $80 from a poker game last Friday night," Sophia told her.

At that time, Blanche came in the kitchen, still in her nightgown and robe, yawning and stretching, "Morning Dorothy, what's cooking, Sophia?"

"Lasagna for the depressed," Sophia explained.

"I wish that would work for me, I'm depressed but I can't eat, because I'm depressed because I gained weight and if I eat, I'll gain weight and be more depressed," Blanche said.

"Have you seen Rose yet, Blanche?" Dorothy asked.

"She's still in her bedroom, Dorothy, I think Rose got a hot date last night," Blanche giggled.

"Blanche, she went to an all-night market to pick up a box of marshmallow fudge cookies, I hardly think she met George Harrison," Dorothy said.

"Besides Blanche, meeting men in the market is what YOU do," Sophia added.

"Oh shutup," Blanche replied, "that's another reason I'm depressed, it's been 6 days since I had a date...Anyway Dorothy, she didn't come back until 3, and she left before midnight, if that isn't a hot date, what is it?"

"Rose trying to find the cookie aisle at the market," Dorothy said, "Last week, I asked her to get a couple of TV dinners that are right across the west side of the market, you know, straight ahead from the produce by 40 feet, it took her 2 hours to get to the frozen food section."

"It's more than just the time, Dorothy, when she finally came home, I heard her laughing her stupid St. Olafian laugh, "tee-hee-hee"," Blanche shrugged her shoulders, squinted her eyes, curled her nose and showed her teeth in a dumb grin.

"Blanche, please, the woman laughs like that after looking at clouds too long," Sophia replied.

"Look, she'll be in here any minute, and neither one of you mention anything about last night," Dorothy said, "What Rose does is her own business."

"For now," Sophia said.

"Ma!"

Sophia ignored Dorothy and went back to stirring the sauce.

The kitchen door swung open and Rose came in with a smile on her face, "good morning everyone."

"Morning, Rose," Dorothy replied.

"Rose, are you happy today?" Sophia asked.

"Oh yes, Sophia, very happy," Rose said.

"Good," Sophia said, "more lasagna for me."

"Well, well, well, Rose, you certainly came home late last night, meet anyone interesting at the market?" Blanche asked as she fluffed her hair with one hand.

"Blanche!" Dorothy said.

"As a matter of fact, I did...it was so amazing, I was going through the aisles to pick up a case of yoo-hoo, and I ran into the most amazing man," Rose said with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Your carts bump into each other?" Dorothy asked.

"No, we literally ran into each other," Rose said, "the next thing I knew, we were both on our backs, and when I got up, there was Cole, with a fruitbasket on his head."

"Cole, oh it's such a sexy name," Blanche said, "I hope he has a younger brother for a younger friend of Rose's."

"Blanche!" Dorothy said.

"I didn't hear anything about him having a brother," Rose said, "besides, what would you do with a young one?"

"I've tried dating older men before, it's gotten me nowhere," Blanche told her, "Maybe I'll have luck with a young man," Blanche said, "and we can go out to fancy restaurants and order expensive champagne, and exchange pet names for each other, to me, he'd be 'Tiger', 'Loverboy', 'Magnificent."

"And to him, you'd be "Grandma"," Sophia replied.

"Sophia!" Blanche exclaimed.

"So, did you and Cole hit it off?" Dorothy asked.

"No, he just lifted the basket off his head," Rose replied.

"I mean...did you two get acquainted?" Dorothy asked.

"Oh boy did we, we talked for hours, he seemed fascinated by my St. Olaf stories, he said he'd be thrilled to go there some time," Rose said.

"My God, she picked up an absolute moron!" Blanche exclaimed.

"They'd be the only ones who enjoy those stories," Sophia replied as she stirred the sauce.

"Oh well...who cares? I just absolutely love a smart man, and if not, a dumb man with lots of money...say Rose...Does he have a family?" Blanche asked.

"Well he did...he used to work as a prison guard, but then there was a breakout a couple of months ago...so now he's looking for the fugitives here in Miami," Rose explained.

"Oh my God, and they know him and he knows you and you live here with me! What is a helpless woman in her 40s like me to do?" Blanche asked.

"Skip ahead about 15 years and join us in the present," Dorothy said, "come on, Blanche, I seriously doubt they would know he's out looking for them."

"In Siciliy, the hitmen were so well hidden, the only time their victims saw them was when the undertaker forgot to close their eyes," Sophia said.

"It's not hitmen ma, Rose just said he's a guard," Dorothy said.

"Now...right now he's a guard looking for them, but if one narc finds out about him, the hitmen will be pumping him full of lead before you can say 'make him an offer he can't refuse'," Sophia said.

"Well, I asked Cole if he would come over this afternoon so we could talk some more, and when he comes, I want you to be on your best behavior," Rose told them.

Blanche and Dorothy both turned and stared at Sophia, she quickly caught on to it.

"What? Can't a woman in her 80s be herself without someone telling her 'NO!' like a dog having an accident?" Sophia asked.

"Ma, Cole obviously means something to Rose, so when he comes, no Sicilian stories, no Sicilian curses, and no Sicilian jokes," Dorothy said.

"Excuse me, I forgot we were living in America where contact with the Old World is forbidden, forgive me, Govenor," Sophia replied hurtfully.

"Ma, I'm sorry, I know how much pleasure it brings you to make someone miserable in your Sicilian ways, but just try to be nice when Cole arrives," Dorothy said.

"I'm always nice," Sophia replied, "now Rose, while you're here, get me a pan."

"Okey dokey..." Rose started for the cupboards then stopped, "Oh no you don't! You must think I'm some sort of idiot, you just want the pan so you can put it on my head and bang it with a spoon."

"Not a bad idea, but no, this sauce is ready and I need to put the noodles in first," Sophia explained.

"Oh...okey dokey then," Rose pulled a square pan out of the cupboard and handed it to Sophia, "here you are, Sophia."

"Too small, get me the 13 x 9 pan," Sophia said.

"Sounds like a lot of lasagna, Sophia," Blanche said.

"That's why it's only made to bring comfort," Sophia told her, "if it were made regularly, every fan of Italian food would look like Oliver Hardy."

"Well...since this Cole figure is obviously a loner and remaining in seclusion from those jailbirds, I think I'll call one of my old flames," Blanche said.

"Old flames? You mean like that 40 year old guy who came to repair the window last week?" Sophia asked.

"No, I mean OLD flames as in the men I dated last week," Blanche replied.

Rose giggled as Blanche left the room, then she turned to Dorothy and Sophia, "I think I'll give Cole a call and let him know he can come over around 1, Sophia, do you think there'll be plenty of lasagna for lunch?"

"Lunch?" Sophia asked, "for lunch, I'm cooking meatballs and stuffed potatoes, this is for me until I get over Tony."

"How long should that take?" Rose asked.

"About three helpings," Sophia replied.

The hours passed by, and Blanche was getting ready to leave with her boyfriend, Elliot Hallen. She came out of her room in a bright orange dress and jacket with a white blouse, a black fancy hat, and high heels.

"Well girls, how do I look?" she asked, turning around so they could get an eyeful.

"Depends, whose funeral are you going to?" Sophia asked.

"No, Sophia," she laughed, "Elliot Hallen, the guy I met at the Rusty Anchor last week, is coming by to pick me up for lunch."

"But you just had lunch," Rose said.

"It doesn't really matter since I don't eat anything anyway when I'm out at lunch with a gentleman, I just order some watercress and a glass of champagne, and the next thing you know, we're going back to his place," Blanche explained.

There was the honk of a car horn and Blanche walked out the door.

"Can you believe that?" Dorothy asked, "if I acted half way like she does, I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"I've known you all my life and I can't stand living with you now," Sophia said, "So what would be the bad part? At least you'd have a man in your life."

Rose was trying to watch the program on TV, but she just had one thing on her mind, "what time is it?"

Dorothy rolled up her sleeve and looked at her watch, "1:25, Rose, why?"

"It's almost half an hour later and he's still not here, maybe I better call him again and see if he's allright," Rose said.

"Where doe he live?" Dorothy asked.

"I'm not sure, but he said he lived a ways away from here," Rose said.

"Well it could be that he just left at one and it's taking him time to get here, I wouldn't get worked up about it," Dorothy said.

Rose headed into the kitchen to use the phone so she wouldn't disturb Dorothy and Sophia, before she got in the kitchen, Sophia turned to Rose and said, "if he's not here by 3, he either dumped you, or he's dead."

Rose turned around horrified by what Sophia had just told her.

"Don't listen to her Rose, I think she got into her old medication again," Dorothy told her.

"What's wrong with my old medication? It was just fine, why do I need new medication?" Sophia asked.

"Because when you were on your old medication, you thought you were Agnes Moorehead and tried to zap your way out of the bathroom after your feet fell asleep," Dorothy explained.

"Oh yeah, I forgot, once during that time, I thought I was Jamie Farr trying to get my Section 8," Sophia said.

"You see, Rose? Totally unreliable," Dorothy replied.

Rose turned back around and headed into the kitchen to call Cole.

"Ma, what was that about?" Dorothy asked.

"Pussycat, I was reading the paper today, and there's been a carnage spreading throughout Miami, it might be the crooks this guy's trying to catch," Sophia said, "they might be onto him."

"Ma, I think you're just being paranoid, now try to act nice when Cole comes over," Dorothy told her.

"Fine, I swear, I won't say one word to this cabbage-head when he arrives," Sophia raised her right hand.

"Ma, don't call him names, you've never even met the guy," Dorothy said.

"So what? A cole is the plant much like that of a cabbage, besides, anyone who's crazy to like Rose's stories can't have too much of a personality," Sophia said.

"True, but sometimes they come in handy, remember that time those hillbilly neighbors who moved across the street, had their chickens running around in the road one day, and we were running around to catch them and the neighbors called the police to complain about all the noise?" Dorothy asked.

"Oh yeah," Sophia giggled, "And Rose went into that damn story about the YoBrians who had 20 familys members living in a 5 room house, with 25 chickens, 7 roosters, 13 ducks, 7 cows, 3 dogs, 7 cats, two of which gave birth to litters, a dozen mice, 2 mountain goats, 2 donkeys, and a moose!"

"That's right, and then to boot, they had their cousins coming over, so they had to fit 55 people into 3 beds, a couch, 2 hammocks inside, and 8 hammocks outside, a rented roll-away bed, 2 pull-out beds, and then they stuck the kids in the chicken coop because the chickens were sleeping in the master bedroom," Dorothy added.

"I remember," Sophia nodded, "then 5 of the teenaged cousins wanted to start a band while they were there, and they used as instruments a violin, a bass fiddle, two trashcan lids, a washtub, and a kazoo..."

"Then the Yohansons wanted in on the action, so they joined the band with a cider jug, a xylophone, an accordian, and then there was Cousin Jeffery Longzinfetzer, who lost his bugle horn so he substituted by tickling a duck," Dorothy recalled.

"As if that noise wasn't bad enough," Sophia laughed, "Aunt Loweezy Linstrum decided to join in by screaming out the chorus through a fresh bullhorn."

"Can you imagine the surprise when the bull asked for it back?" Dorothy asked.

"Then, to make even more a ruckus, it was the middle of summer, the heat was hectic, hormones were going wild, and it was mating season," Sophia added.

"Yep, mating season for the ducks, the chickens, the cows, the dogs, the cats, the mice, and the cousins," Dorothy chuckled.

"Then there was Alma turning the hose on all of them," Sophia said, "then, come 2 months later, 17 new cats were born, 5 dogs were, and 9 months later, they had 45 new cousins, nieces and nephews...and after that-they needed a bigger farm."

"Yep, and the way Rose explained that story to the officer, he rammed his fist through his hat, and somersalted back to the car, agreeing to forget that the horrible experience ever happened," Dorothy added.

"Yeah, it got us off the hook with the neighbors but-I pity anybody who has to listen to one of Rose's damn St. Olaf stories. It's worse than the death penalty, if she'd been around during King Henry's time, he'd beg for HIS head to be chopped off," Sophia laughed.

As Sophia and Dorothy's laughter died down, Rose came out of the kitchen looking worried.

"Rose, is something wrong?" Dorothy asked.

"I just called Cole's house, no one answered, there was no answering machine, no busy signal, nothing, it just ran busy for about 4 times, then it went dead," Rose explained.

"Rose, honey, calm down, he could be having problems with his phone, ours haven't been too whippy lately, last week, 3 people tried calling and the phone never even rang," Dorothy gave Rose a seemingly fair example.

"That's because Blanche was dating the guy working on it, and then after Friday he just pulled out," Sophia said.

"Ma!"

"I mean the cord, he pulled out the phone cord and we didn't get any calls," Sophia corrected her last statement.

"Yeah, I had to go down and see him personally, after 2 minutes of being alone in a small room with him, he rushed over here to get the phone working again," Dorothy said.

"What did you do?" Rose asked.

"She threatened to cut off something other than his connection the house," Sophia said.

Rose mouthed 'ohhhh', "Well, if he doesn't show up soon, I can just go over to his house."

"Have you even been to his house?" Dorothy asked.

"No...but I could look it up in the phone book," Rose replied.

"You told this yutz to be here by 1, it's now 1:35, if he isn't here soon, I say forget him," Sophia said.

"Still hung up on Tony, aren't you, Ma?" Dorothy asked.

"Damn right I am, Pussycat, that lasagna only delayed my feelings for him, I can't let it rest, I have to find him and finish my business with him," Sophia told her, "so, I'm going to go to Orlando for a few days to find him and his sleazy girlfriend."

"What are you going to do then?" Dorothy asked.

"Place a Sicilian curse on him, and get the money he owes me, then I'll make him suffer beyond repair," Sophia laughed.

"Ma, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to curse him so all his hair falls out in every place of his body, including his shoulders. He's going to be covered in liver spots head to toe, his wrinkles will sag 5 inches. No woman will want to come near him, and he'll be living with his spinster sister the rest of his unnatural life," Sophia said.

"Which if he lays off bread and pasta should be about two years," Dorothy said.

"Don't remind me, let me enjoy my revenge," Sophia said, "You don't need me here for anything, do you pussycat?"

"No, Ma, I'll be fine."

"Good, the last thing I need is you bellyaching for me to come home when I'm half-way to Walt Disney...I mean Tony, half-way to Tony," Sophia said.

Dorothy rolled her eyes as Sophia got up and headed to her room to pack. When she was gone, Dorothy adjusted her position on the couch and looked over at Rose. "You know, if I wasn't so sure she really was going to get Tony, I'd forbid her to go."

"Come on, Sophia's a big girl, she can take care of herself," Rose said.

"I suppose so, it's just that...she's in her 80s, and her mind isn't as good as it used to be, and she's had cataracts, and she has arthritis...there's just so many things wrong with her, I hope she'll be okay," Dorothy said.

"Well why don't you go with her?" Rose asked.

"I would, but I know if I did that, you and Blanche would ruin the house, with her it would be a red light district and with you it'd be a comeback for the Farmer in the Dell," Dorothy said.

Blanche stepped in the front door soaking wet, Dorothy was on the couch watching as she came in, Blanche held her head low and said, "You will NEVER believe the day I had."

"I'm guessing you went through a carwash and he forgot to put the hood up?" Dorothy asked.

The Miami weather had been dry as a bone, she couldn't figure what mess Blanche had gotten herself into now.

"It seems that Mister Elliot Hallen is really an undercover private dick for the Miami Police Department, whose speciality seems to be in catching hookers. They've been looking for a menopausal grandmother of a harlot mixed up in a drug ring. He picked me up in his car, drove to a dead-end street, when he saw I wasn't the culprit, he shoved me out of the car and I fell into a deep puddle along the side of a dirt road, and I've had to walk six miles to get back here Dorothy, do you have any idea what that's like!" Blanche cried.

"Yes I can, Stanley's old junker of a car once got entered in some whacked out race, so they made the front seats eject whenever you came to a sudden stop. One night during a thunderstorm, we were returning home from the market, out of nowhere, Stanley saw the stop sign and put on the brakes. I went flying out the side, landed on my behind about six times before coming to a full stop in a pig stye, I ripped my good dress, and we had to walk 10 miles to get home," Dorothy said.

"I am just all beside myself," Blanche complained, "I thought Elliot was THE man for me now that I'm at the bridge of old-age in my life."

"Hey, what do you know? She finally admits her age," Sophia said as she came out of her bedroom.

"Oh shutup!" Blanche shrieked, "Dorothy, what am I going to do?"

"First thing you're going to do is get out of that dress before you steam up so badly it peels off," Dorothy told her, "Blanche, come on, you're ruining the floors in here."

"Oh fine!" Blanche pouted on her way to her room, "I have my heart broken by Miami's best dick, and all you can worry about is the damn carpet? I've never been so insulted before in my life."

"That's not true," Sophia called to the bedroom, "Remember that big man with the tattoos who drove the semi with that harpoon joke on the back?"

"Need you remind me?" Blanche asked as she came out of her room, tying her robe shut, "I still don't know HOW he got that picture but if I ever find the man who gave it to him, I will track him down, whip him, and hang him..." Blanche said as she adjusted the sleeves on her robe, "So," she said in a calmer voice, "since we've heard about my day, how was Rose's date with that bubblehead?"

"We don't know," Dorothy said, "he never showed up."

"Really?" Blanche asked, "It's 3:15 now, he never came?"

"No," Dorothy replied, "Rose was so upset, I've never seen her like that before, she was really crushed when he didn't show up. She went down to the market to pick up a case of rootbeer and a pint of icecream, you know how that usually helps her when she's down."

"Poor Rose," Blanche said as she headed into the kitchen, "Cole sounded like such a nice man, who would ever guess he..." Blanche paused for a minute as she glared out the window, "...oh my God...Oh my God...Dorothy! Dorothy!"

Dorothy and Sophia came into the kitchen immediately, "What? What is it, Blanche?"

"I just looked outside, and I saw a man prowling around on the grounds!" Blanche exclaimed.

"Whadda ya know? We're getting robbed in the daytime, these crooks are getting smarter everyday," Sophia said, "Who'd ever think to rob someone in the daytime when everyone would be looking?"

Dorothy looked out the window and she did see a young man, around his 30s, on the front lawn, seemingly tangled up in the hose.

"What'll we do?" Blanche asked.

"I have an idea, we'll turn the sprinklers on him," Dorothy said.

"What?"

"Come on."

They slipped out the back door and out to the lawn to get a better look at this man before they drowned him.

"Excuse me, you!" Dorothy called.

The man looked at her as he seemed to be getting up again.

"I don't know who you are or what the hell you're doing here, but you better get the heck off our property before we call the police!" Dorothy said.

At that time, Sophia turned the spicket on the side of the house, turning on the sprinklers, dousing the man in sharp, ice-cold water. The man let out a startled scream as he placed his arms around the top of his head and curled up into a ball as he was blasted by the water.

"How do ya like them apples?" Dorothy asked, "Thinking you could come in here and take advantage of three old ladies like that?"

"Yeah...hey!" Blanche exclaimed, "Rose isn't here."

"I'm not talking about Rose, you twit," Dorothy said.

"Dorothy?"

They turned around and saw Rose walking out the back door and up to them, "What's going on?"

"Darling, you're just in time," Blanche said, "we caught this man sneaking onto the property trying to break in here."

Rose looked at the figure huddled into a ball, screaming in response to his drenching, Rose looked on with her mouth open, appalled.

"Dorothy, Blanche...Sophia turn the water off!"

As Sophia turned the spicket, Blanche and Dorothy turned to Rose and both started bombarding her with questions as to why she wanted them to stop.

"Rose, what's the matter? We're giving him what he deserves, trying to sneak up on us like that," Blanche said.

"He's not a thief, Blanche, that's Cole! He's my boyfriend!" Rose exclaimed.

"WHAT?" Dorothy and Blanche asked.

"Well, the water's turned off, let's get a good look at this cabbage-head," Sophia said.

All four girls looked on at the shivering figure in a dark trenchoat and black jeans and boots, managing to get past a chattering-teeth state, despite the cold, the man managed to get out, "Uh...hi Rose," before his teeth started chattering again.

Rose looked back and Dorothy and Blanche appalled at their deed, whereas they just looked embarrassed to be alive because of what they'd done. Rose looked back at Cole, who was soaked from head to toe with cold water. Of course now Rose knew the cat was out of the bag and she would be asked at every given point why she was seeing a man in his 30s.