MARRYING OFF MALFOY

DISCLAIMER: Not mine still, not surprising.

A Rocky Start
Third Time's Not the Charm
By Hermione Granger

Perhaps a little introduction is in order for Maxxed magazine's devoted readers. I am Hermione Granger and I am Draco Malfoy's matchmaker. I detest the title, but in all simplicity, that is what I do for Mr. Malfoy, I am here writing this column to help find a wife for Draco. We, that is Draco and I, are glad to see that so many of you fine young women are interested in becoming The Next Mrs. Malfoy, and would like to thank you all for applications and recommendations.

With that aside, let me tell you about Draco's first three dates. First, there was Penny G., a fine young woman, pretty and a great person to converse with. On Draco's first date with Penny, everything went absolutely perfect, and I personally could not have asked for a better start to our Wife Quest. Draco liked her most assuredly. There was only one thing to be really frowned upon with Penny, and that would be her wandering eye.

Not in the literal sense of course, her eyes are perfectly symmetrical and in the correct places, but Ms. Penny has a penchant for the fairer sex, much like Mr. Malfoy. Although I am flattered that she fancied me of all people, I am not looking for a partner for myself and thus we crossed Penny G. off of our list.

The second date was with an Amanda S., she was also a lovely young woman, and from a respectable family of her own. Draco and Amanda hit it off swimmingly and Draco promised to call her for another date. (On a side note Draco does do all of the second, third etc, date calls and is the one that will clear all future plans with datees. As of late, there has not been a second date call offered to the three young women whom we've seen.)

Unfortunately for us, we must have broken a Dating Rule by not abiding to the three days wait, and Amanda S. was upset with us when she saw Draco and I on the third first date with Camilla (Just Camilla, didn't ask why but I'm sure she had a good reason for having no last name like Cher). The trouble started, according to the police report, when Amanda S. saw Draco going from the office to the date with Camilla. She followed, quite irately I would guess, and waited until entrée's to violently attack Camilla in the middle of her job description. We have sent flowers to both young ladies detailing how very sorry we are for the incident and mix up. It is yet to be seen whether Draco will give Camilla a ring for a second date, or a completion of their first, but should that happen I will be there to relay all of the important business into print.

Now to have you lovely readers sitting on the edge of your futons, I shall leave you with this little morsel from Draco's Fourth First Date with a Savannah P. . . .

SECOND DATE.

Hermione closed the magazine after seeing the picture they'd put on for her column. She wouldn't say it was an ugly picture, but she wouldn't say that it was an exact likeness either. The day that picture was taken she'd spent a grueling amount of time in the makeup chair, being primed and poked so that the end result was some glamorized face and body that was never present when Hermione first woke in the morning. It was her magazine counterpart that smiled back at her, a shiny and unrecognizable Hermione Granger. Sighing, Hermione put the magazine to the side and re-read her wrap up of Draco's date with Savannah. Also on her desk were piles and piles of things to do for Draco's birthday that his mother had sent over, and an ad to be okayed by her for the Birthdate Contest to be put in the magazine. The past three days she had been looking over pictures of ex-girlfriends and relatives that have been banned from all Malfoy events for one thing or another.

Draco walked into her office and started speaking; Hermione had stopped listening past the first couple of words when she learned that it was more Birthday Party talk. I hate my job, she thought. Hermione looked up from her work and watched Draco pace the room; he'd taken to doing that whenever this subject came up. He was obviously nervous about something that he had yet to tell her, and frankly Hermione was getting tired of it.

" . . . I think that the Birthdate thing should be cancelled Hermione," Draco finally said. "It's a waste of resources in my opinion and the party wont suffer a bit if it's cut."

"Draco the whole reason I am helping your mother plan your party is because you agreed to let me write up your party as a date story, and the party will suffer if the person you have covering this story is anyone but me. Lockley will turn it into a who's who event, and the rest of your magazine writers are green when it comes to gala events like this. Now do you agree to the Birthdate or will I just have to send all of this work back to your mother?" Hermione said with a huff. Four times he' tried to cancel Hermione's conditions for the party, and each time Hermione shot him down.

"I can get anyone to replace you in a heartbeat," Draco grumbled.

"You could, but you wont," said Hermione with a smile.

Hermione hated being smug about her talents but all that she said was true, and Draco knew that if she dropped from his magazine he'd be losing one of the most coveted young writers in the wizard and muggle literary world. Hermione watched Draco debate the pros and cons of having Hermione as an employee for the millionth time, and finally he shrugged.

"Lunch then?" Draco said in answer. Hermione's response was to gather up her purse and jacket and walk out of the door.

Lunch had become a regular event with Hermione and Draco. Although they quibbled about unimportant things, as long as the food was good and the service snappy it never escalated to anything big.

Today a strange thing happened at lunch that sent Hermione into the worst tirade, poor Draco was left by his lonesome to calm the beast Hermione became that afternoon. The day would go down in history as the day Hermione Granger blew a wall down at the Gilroy Park Bistro.

The events are as follows:

12:15 PM: an owl drops parcel at Draco and Hermione's table; interrupting their argument on the Birthdate arrangements.

12:18 PM: Restaurant servers see Hermione turn bright red and throw salad and the flower setting on the floor and upturned the table in a blind impotent rage.

12:25 PM: A shrieking Hermione is wrestled to the ground by Draco and forcibly removed from the restaurant.

Hermione struggled in Draco's grip but it was all for naught. He had her snugly slung over his shoulder and no amount of beating her fists on his back would let Draco loosen his hold. Draco finally let her down in a back alley of a reconsignment store, and Hermione couldn't find words to express her anger and frustration. Draco, out of breath from carrying Hermione half a block crossed his arms and waited impatiently for Hermione to come to her senses.

"Explain," he demanded tactlessly, "and it better be good."

The rage that had built up in Hermione so quickly was subsiding and was beginning to be replaced with sadness. The parcel that was delivered at the table was an as of yet unpublished edition of a tabloid magazine and on the cover was the smiling face of a newly married couple, one half of which was her boyfriend of almost one year. She didn't finish reading the title for she knew that it would only tell her more bad news. The magazine in question was still crumpled in her hand, and she looked at the bunched pages and threw it at the ground where Draco stood. "I have been made an utter fool of, and I have no better excuse for my actions than HE DOES," she spat never taking her eyes off the crumpled glossy cover.

Draco bent and picked up the periodical and saw the root of Hermione's frustration. Heiress and The Statue Wed, The Fairytale Romance that Started it ALL! the bold print read in a bright cyan, the picture was of Angus and a rat faced woman he took to be the "heiress," in their wedding attire glory. His brow furrowed and he threw the magazine away.

"I never liked him for you," he said finally, he waited for Hermione to stop pacing the small back alley to take a step closer. "He was a bum," he continued, "always seemed to be trying too hard. You're better off without him. He-"

"I loved him," Hermione interjected. She stopped pacing and looked Draco squarely in the eyes. To him she looked rather small, and he would be right in his assumption that Hermione felt quite pathetic. "I blew up a wall."

"The wall will be fixed in time Hermione," Draco said. "Walls get banged up and holes are put in them all the time, but when they get knocked down they get built back up better than new."

"I hope the wall wont be so easy to break once it's up again," said Hermione and her shoulders slumped. Draco strode over to where Hermione stood and wrapped his long arm around her.

"How about we take the rest of the day off," he said in a quiet voice, "and get plastered?"

For once Hermione didn't argue.

The following day was business as usual, although the tabloid had hit shelves and it was all over MAXXED's floor that Angus had shown himself to be a tramp and when Hermione entered through the front doors she was flooded with various degrees of feigned concern. She had her hangover in tow and did not feel like pretending to care about their curiosity, so she breezed past them not answering one query. Once at her office she saw owls had stacked letters on her desk in the short time that the magazine has been on the stands. Most were other tabloids asking her to give them an exclusive interview and the like; none were from Harry or Ron so she knew that they hadn't yet seen the news. Or if they had they were personally hunting Angus down to make a new statue that resembled rubble. Underneath all of the inquiries was a note from Draco and all it read was:

Say the word and I can have him "disappear."

-Draco

For the first time all morning Hermione smiled, but that was short lived as Ron came bursting through her office door with security guards at his tail. "Harry tried to hold them off and I ran up here as fast as I could," Ron gasped. Hermione waved the security guards away and motioned for them to unhand Harry. She was swallowed up in the most heartfelt embrace by the two and they both expressed their frustrations over her failed relationship's most recent development.

"I wish I'd known the guy was a scumbag sooner," lamented Harry.

"It's alright you two," said Hermione, "I'm not nearly as angry as I was yesterday afternoon." The two looked at her quizzically and she relayed the last twenty four hours back to her male friends. They listened intently and nodded in the places she expected them to.

"Any idea who sent it?" asked Ron.

"My guess would be the head editor," said Hermione skeptically, "but in truth my guess is really as good as yours. For all I know it could have been Angus himself, and he just wanted to . . . I don't know."

"So you really went drinking with Malfoy?" asked Harry in a jovial tone.

Hermione smiled and nodded. It was true that she and Draco had found quite a rowdy pub and quickly drowned her sorrows in awful watered down rum and vodka and by near morning they had bought several rounds of lagers for the pub's regular patrons. They were eventually fetched by an intern from MAXXED and taken to their respective homes.

"I really don't know what happened at the pub, except that Draco knows all the words to ABBA songs. Really strange," Hermione said shaking her head. "And something about a bloke named 'Charlie' needing a-a-um pair of sparkler pugs." Hermione wracked her brain trying to recover as much memory possible, for the amount of alcohol she consumed in relation to her meager recollection of last night's events made her quite unsettled.

"Maybe he meant 'spark plugs,'" helped Harry.

"And maybe he meant fireworks and pugs. He might be wanted for arson right now, not to mention animal cruelty," chimed Ron.

"I think it's time you two left so I could get some work done," said Hermione, laughing at Ron's response.

She felt less hollow.

When the pair had left Hermione sat in her office feeling sorry for herself. It was the first time since the afternoon before she had let the feeling wash over her and she wallowed in it briefly. Hermione closed her eyes and examined the failure that was her relationship with Angus. The more Hermione thought about it the more she came to see that she was fortunate to have Angus out of her life. She didn't hate him, but she was angry, and hurt. Breathing deeply she let the remaining feelings of fondness for her ex-boyfriend drain from her body, and she felt her fingers become lighter and more and more her office began to look brighter and welcoming. She thought of all the good that Angus had brought into her life; silently she thanked him for the kindness he showed her, and the intimacy they shared. She pardoned his flaws and his weakness in loyalty, and determined that it is not she who has lost but instead has gained freedom. She sat like this for a long time, reveling in the relief that filled her body.

"Are you done humming to yourself?" Hermione didn't open her eyes for she knew it was Draco Malfoy. He had a way of entering her office quite discreetly; it was a source of great irritation to Hermione.

"I wasn't humming," Hermione replied. She opened her eyes and saw Draco sitting across her, and he looked as if he hadn't been drinking at all.

"No, it was more of an 'mm' and 'amhmm' sound," he said. "You're not paid to day dream, no matter how err appealing your fantasies are."

"Not funny," Hermione said acidly. Changing the subject Hermione fished her date book out and found the note she was looking for. "I have lunch with your mother today, is this why you're here?"

Draco frowned and sat more rigidly in his seat. She hit his motives right on the nose. She leaned back in her seat and let her hangover buzz around her. Draco began pacing, and added to the noise in her head.

"I want to know what it is you plan on talking about with mother," he said curtly, "She's up to something, it's been causing the hairs on my arm to stand on end since I last saw her."

"You're just being paranoid," Hermione said. "She wants this party to be a hit just as much as you do."

"She wants this party to be a meat market, and I'm the one on sale," replied Draco, still pacing. "Something is not as it should be Hermione, and I need you to find out what she's up to. I'm never wrong about these things. Mother's got something cooking in that cauldron of hers. . ."

"She just wants what's best for you," replied Hermione. "I'll try to steer her away from anything too taxing on you, I promise. If you really think that she's got something planned, then I'll use my investigatory skills to glean those facts from her."

"Now you're finally working for the absurdly large amount of money I pay you," Draco said happily. "If you could also find out what the family secret is, that would be great." He paced straight out of the room and was gone.

Hermione rolled her eyes and let the buzz continue to throw a party in her head. Her phone rang and she wondered about letting it go to machine. Two rings, three, and finally she picked up. A voice came on that she didn't think she'd hear from so quickly.

"Hermione," Angus' voice came from the receiver, "I'm very sorry."

AN: Thanks to everyone who's faved this fic, and signed up for alerts on it. A great big thanks to the following: midnight solitaire, anna, Queen of the Scoubies, dragoneyes5000, Anno Domini, Mysterygalwolf, princecharmprincesswit, and Lisel. Sorry for the long space between updates, and I'll try to make the chapters longer to compensate.

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