A/N: This update is my holiday present to you, enjoy.

What the hell?

Ch. 12

Uncertainty

John closed his eyes and let the water hit his face. It was relaxing; all the tension he had was gone for the time being, but he couldn't stay in there forever. He shut off the water, stepped out of the shower and dried his hair with a towel, leaving his hair messy. John wrapped the towel around his waist and walked out of the bathroom to get clothes. "Robin, do you think anyone would care if I walked around the mansion nude?" Robin starred at him blankly. John grinned, "That's exactly the look I'd get with a couple of giggles." In two minutes John was fully dressed. He scooped up Robin and left the bedroom.

John stopped in the kitchen for a quick snack. Feeling slightly uncomfortable leaving Robin on the counter or on the table, John decided to make toast using his unoccupied hand. The only tricky part would be untwisting the twist-tie. After attempt number five, John decided to put Robin down. "Don't move," he ordered. A few seconds later, attempt number six was a success. John put his hand in his pocket looking for his lighter. For a second he forgot; and for a second, he felt foolish. He depended on an inanimate object that fueled his power, a power that defined him. Discouraged, John lost his appetite.

John was relaxing in the den. He was sitting in a recliner that was facing the fireplace. Losing himself in the flames, he sat there alone with Robin in his arms. He was alone, that is, until Logan walked in.

"Who's the pipsqueak?"

"Robin." John replied with no hesitation. However, he knew what was coming next.

"You're the genius that came up with that name, huh?"

He shrugged, "I've never had a pet before, not that Robin is my pet, but yes, I named her."

Logan grunted in acknowledgment. "So what are you doing in here anyway?"

"Trying to drown myself in self pity," John said, emphasizing the word 'myself'.

"Well, at least I can finally say there is one human in this world that doesn't hate us."

"That's not funny."

Logan smirked, "Just a little."

"Leave me alone," John said bluntly. "I want to drown alone."

"What about pipsqueak?"

John waved him off, "Just go." He would have flipped Logan off but then he'd also be missing a limb and not just his gift.

"Suit yourself." Logan stopped at the doorway and turned, "You know…" John sunk in the recliner as he heard Logan. "Technically you can still control fire. You still can blow it out, and extinguish it."

John let out a loud sigh and waited a few minute before saying to Robin, "You're not a pipsqueak…well, not in my book anyway." He didn't notice Rogue standing behind the recliner.

"I think you talk to that bird more than you talk to me," she said softly, revealing her presence.

"Jealous?"

"Not at all…it's cute. I've never seen this delicate side of you. As a matter of fact, I don't think anyone has."

"I'm just full of surprises."

Putting the jokes aside, it was time to get serious. She stood in front of him, blocking the fireplace from his view. "What are you doing to yourself, John? The broken glass, drinking, arson," she paused, "whatever this is…"

His grin faded, "Dealing with things my own way."

"So arson was on your agenda last night. You didn't tell me." Rogue crossed her arms, "Were you ever going to?"

"It had to be done. I can't explain it." He avoided her eyes and her question, but he knew, she knew the answer.

Unable to come up with a reply, Rogue left the room showing no sign of emotion in front of him.

The fire had extinguished ironically just as Rogue left. John shook his head, at her, at himself.

Twenty minutes later, John was still in the same spot.

Bobby blithely strolled into the den. "John, if you were a worm… would you rather drown, get fried on concrete by the sun, or get eaten by a bird?"

John immediately stood up, and told Bobby he'd get back to him before he left Bobby alone in the den

John couldn't believe he was actually thinking about Bobby's stupid question; but it was better than thinking about his dreams, fire, and whether or not to find Rogue and let her in. It wasn't just simply 'letting her in' – it was everything.

John paced back and forth in his room contemplating what to do. He decided to stop pacing because it wasn't helping, so he sat on the edge of his bed. While in deep thought, dark clouds rolled in, covering the once clear blue sky. A loud crack of thunder snapped John out of it, and pouring rain started thereafter. He slowly stood up and put his hand in the Nike box, palm side face up, this time giving Robin the option to come to him. Without hesitation, Robin walked over and hopped into his palm. This small gesture wasn't small at all. Unfortunately John's mind was somewhere else; therefore, he didn't think much of it. John left the room to find his roommate.

Rogue held back tears while walking through the corridors. She was about to exit the mansion when she realized what she needed to do. She needed to get inside John's head. It was the only way.

Rogue ran to Xavier's office and knocked on the door before entering.

"Have you located Magneto yet, Professor?" That wasn't the question she really wanted to ask.

"I'm still working on it. When I do, you'll be one of the first to know."

Rogue pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and asked Xavier the real question, "I'm worried about John," she started, "he won't let me in. Something isn't right," she paused. "I need you to read his mind."

"Rogue, you know I can't do that."

"I know." She admitted. "I just had to ask. He's so angry and depressed. I don't know if he's trying to protect me or push me away. I don't know what he's thinking and we both know he can be reckless."

John found Bobby in the common room; he was sitting on the couch watching television.

"Take care of her for me." John practically shoved Robin in Bobby's face and Bobby instinctively took Robin from him. As soon as she was safely in his Bobby's hands, John turned, and walked out of the room as fast as he could without actually running. Robin let out a deafening screech. John heard it halfway through the hall; ignoring it, he continued.

He ran through the lower corridors without looking back. He stopped when he found the ladder to Rogue's safe haven. John took a deep breath before stepping onto the roof. It didn't take long before he was soaked from the rain. John stood at the edge, various memories were running through his head. They were the reason he was there, at the edge, ready to fall.

A/N: Are holiday presents supposed to be wrapped with angst? Have a happy holiday! I accept gifts in return, but only in green paper form. I know by this time of year most of you are broke, so reviews are just as good (even better).