Unshaven and on the Loose

Type: Collaboration parody of PoA.

Summary: Remus Lupin, a new teacher at Hogwarts, is rather fond of his moustache. That is, until he finds out that it's alive - and working for Voldemort. How hard will it be to stop his moustache from wreaking havoc upon Hogwarts? Harder than he expected...

A/N: Lol Hi everyone who's reading this! This is Itami here. I hope you will enjoy my chapter! And well if you don't... Bear with me and prepare to read another of Tani's get chapters Hahah... I must admit this chapter isn't all that interesting since it's only the beginning. But I have plans... Plans for the weirdest chapters ahead! laughs evily I know my writing style is umm... weird and not as much fun to read as Tani's but yea ! I still hope you will like it. Thank you for those people that reviewed!

Disclaimer: Anything copyrighted by J. K. Rowling is hers anything by us is ours :3 I think you are smart enough to know which is which.

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Chapter 1: The Return Journey

The Hogwarts Express gleamed in the September sun. Rays of light glinted off its smooth scarlet surface. It had been over thirteen years since Remus Lupin had last seen the red locomotive that stood before him. How glad he was to be going back to Hogwarts, but this time as a teacher. Lupin looked down at his watch and realized he was quite early; well then again he never did like being tardy. Picking up his battered suitcase, he walked onto the train.

Inside there was empty compartment after empty compartment. Lupin strode all the way to the end of the train, yawning. He wanted to get some sleep; he hadn't had a good night's sleep for about a week due to the full moon. He hoped taking the last compartment would mean no disturbances.

Entering the compartment, he gingerly placed his suitcase on the luggage rack and sat down on the bench. Everything was still quiet. Lupin closed his eyes and soon sleep had found him.

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For a day that started out so sunny everything had become the complete opposite of sun. It was raining steadily outside the train. The rain beat on the windows and the wind howled loudly. It was quite gloomy and dark outside and was getting steadily darker. The moustache was watching Lupin's dream out of boredom. In his dream, Lupin was sitting on top of a mound of Honeydukes chocolates and eating giant chocolate frogs. This was making the moustache sick. How much chocolate does that man need? It quickly turned its attention elsewhere, for if it could, it would have vomited.

The tuft of hair on Lupin's upper lip listened instead to the talk of three children sharing their compartment. They were third years, as the mustache deduced by their talk of visiting Hogsmeade for the first time. Two of them (one was a boy with flaming red hair and the other was a girl with busy brown hair) seemed very excited, but the last one – the one that looked strangely familiar with his dark mess of hair - was upset that he couldn't go. The mustache racked its 'brain' for the name to match the face. Who was he?

Ron (as the mustache found out to be the redhead) took out an old issue of the Daily Prophet from of his trunk and began to examine a picture, then suddenly looked up seeming a little disturbed.

"Hey guys," Hermione (the bushy haired girl) looked up from her book and Harry (the one the moustache thought looked familiar) turned to see what Ron was pointing at, "Look at the git in the picture scratching his..."

"Oh Ron!" Hermione pushed the newspaper into Ron, "Did you honesty think we needed to see that?"

"Well, no but..." Ron had turned red and now found interest looking out the window still holding the now-wrinkled newspaper in his hands and leaving the question unanswered.

Harry suppressed a snicker; "You'd think he would have the dignity to walk out of the picture for that." Hermione shook her head disapprovingly and returned to her book.

If the moustache could laugh it would have done so now.

These children are highly amusing, it thought, It would be great fun to do something with them…

As it mused about what fun it would be messing around with the children's brains, the rain outside thickened and the train sped yet farther north; the windows were a solid, shimmering grey, which gradually darkened until lanterns flickered into life all along the corridors and over the luggage racks. The train rattled, the rain hammered, and the wind roared.

"We must be nearly there," said Ron, leaning forward to look past Lupin at the now completely black window.

The words had barely left him when the train started to slow down.

"Brilliant," said Ron, getting up and walking carefully past Lupin to try and see outside. "I'm starving, I want to get to the feast..."

The moustache twitched. It sensed something coming closer as the train slowed to a stop. It was something unearthly, some not really alive. It shivered, as everything suddenly turned just a bit colder. The moustache knew what it could be; the only thing that could take the happiness away and make everything cold and bitter as it drew closer. It was a –

Dementor.

The moustache beckoned the Dementor closer, finally able to use some of the powers Voldemort had given it.

Yes, come closer… Closer…

The moustache willed the lamps to go out and now everyone was plunged into total darkness.

"What's going on?" said Ron from behind Harry.

"Ouch!" gasped Hermione. "Ron, that was my foot!"

"D'you think we've broken down?"

Come onto the train… Closer… Closer…

"Dunno..."

There was a squeaking sound made by Ron wiping a patch clean on the window and peering out.

"There's something moving out there," Ron said. "I think people are coming aboard..."

Come to this compartment… Closer… Closer…

The compartment door suddenly opened. There was a small thud.

"Sorry! D'you know what's going on? Ouch! Sorry –"

"Hullo, Neville"

"Harry is that you? What's happening?"

"No idea! Sit down –"

There was a loud hissing and a yelp of pain; the boy called Neville had tried to sit on a ginger cat.

"I'm going to go and ask the driver what's going on,"

The moustache heard the door slide open, then two squeals of pain.

"Who's that?"

"Who's that?"

"Ginny?"

"Hermione?"

"What are you doing?"

The moustache was pleased about confusion it was causing, but sadly Lupin now fully awake from the noise caused by the confusion knew exactly what was going on.

"Ouch!"

"Quiet!" Lupin said hoarsely. No one spoke. Lupin brought his wand from inside his worn robes and pointed it at his hands. "Lumos Manis," he whispered. There was a soft crackling noise and he was holding a handful of flames which illuminated his tired grey face.

"Stay where you are," he said to everyone in the compartment; they all looked utterly confused. Lupin slowly got to his feet with his handful of fire held out in front of him.

No! He’s going to ruin my fun… I won’t let that happen. Come quicker! Hurry up! Hurry up! You have legs! Wait… Do you have legs? Oh never mind, just HURRY!

Lupin reached for the door, but the door slowly slid open of its own accord and standing in the doorway, illuminated by the shivering flames in Lupin's hand, was a cloaked figure that towered to the ceiling. Its face was completely hidden beneath its hood. From under its cloak it produced a glistening, grayish, slimy-looking and scabbed hand. It was like something dead that had rotted underwater.

The Dementor seemed to be very interested in Harry. It glided a little closer seeming to look at him. Harry went rigid and fell to the ground, looking like he was having a fit. Lupin quickly stepped over Harry to confront the Dementor.

"None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks. Go." Lupin said firmly.

The Dementor just stood there.

Lupin pointed his wand at the Dementor and muttered, "Expecto Patronus". A silver chocolate bar came shooting out towards the Dementor. At the sight of the chocolate bar, the Dementor backed off. Of course, no one noticed what the Patronus was for they were all still in shock from seeing the Dementor and feeling too horrible to notice.

The lamps flickered back on and the train slowly started again, for the moustache knew it was beaten – for now.

Oh well… at least it was fun while it lasted.

There was silence in the compartment as everyone stared at where the Dementor had been only moments ago.

"Oh no!" the silence was broken. Hermione realized Harry had collapsed and fallen off his seat. She kneeled down and looked over Harry.

"What's wrong with Harry?" Ron said nervously, kneeling over him opposite of Hermione.

"Is he alright?" Neville said, peering over Hermione's bushy hair.

"Harry! Harry!" Hermione started slapping his face lightly, hoping he would wake up. "Are you alright?"

"W-what?" Harry shook his head slowly and opened his eyes, with cold sweat on his face. Hermione and Ron heaved Harry back onto his seat.

"Are you OK?" Ron asked nervously.

"Yeah," said Harry, glancing at the door.

"What happened? Where's that – that thing? Who screamed?"

"No one screamed," said Ron, more nervously still. Harry looked around the bright compartment. Ginny and Neville looked back at him, both very pale.

He heard someone, did he now…

"But I heard screaming –"

Lupin broke an enormous chocolate bar into pieces with a loud snap, startling everyone.

"Here." Lupin handed Harry a large piece of chocolate, "Eat it. It'll help"

Harry took the chocolate but didn't eat it.

"What was that thing?" Harry asked Lupin.

"A Dementor," said Lupin, giving everyone else some chocolate. "One of the Dementors of Azkaban."

Everyone stared at him. Lupin crumpled the empty chocolate wrapper and stuffed it into his pocket.

"Eat," he repeated. "It'll help. I need to speak to the driver, excuse me..." He strolled past Harry and into the corridor...

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It was a great feeling to be back at Hogwarts again. He was stuffed. He hadn't had so much food since he'd left school. It felt good; usually he would be quite hungry, but not wanting to spend much money. He was, after all, a werewolf and it was quite hard to get a job, any job ever since that Umbridge woman had made that law.

'Hmph... Oh well. I have a job now, thanks to Dumbledore.' Lupin thought, smiling slightly.

Lupin leaned back in his chair and looked around his bare quarters, wondering what he should do for a first lesson. Well actually, he knew what he wanted to do already; to show the students how to defend themselves against Boggarts. But the problem was, how was he going to find a Boggart for the next day?

The moustache heard his thoughts and was now brewing some devious plan of its own. Something that would hopefully cause some chaos.

A Boggart, eh? Well that could be arranged.

The lamps all around Hogwarts slowly flickered out save the ones in Lupin's quarters. He was now thinking of old times at Hogwarts with James, Peter, and, Sirius. How they used to play pranks and how they understood him still when they found out he was a werewolf. How they helped him cope by becoming Animagi.

'It's odd what time has revealed, and what fate has done. James and Peter are both dead and Sirius – the most wanted wizard.'

Lupin looked out the window to the grounds. It was a beautiful night after all the rain. The moon light was reflected by the lake, giving it an eerie but beautiful atmosphere. The Whomping Willow swayed slightly in the wind as the stars twinkled. Lupin yawned and realized how late into the night it was. He got changed and went to bed, slowly drifting to sleep as some owls few by his window, hooting lightly.

When the moustache was sure Lupin was asleep, it began an incantation, the same one he used to attach itself to Lupin all those years ago. It felt itself being detached and let loose, and finally it hopped down to the stone floor.

Finally. I’m loose… Now Lupin did ask for a Boggart, and it’s the least I can to for my host…The moustache thought. It wasn't a kind, helpful thought though. It was an evil thought. He scurried across the cold floor and snuck under the door...

To Be Continued…

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A/N: Yes I know I copied stuff from PoA but hey this is only to start the story. I wish I could have made this chapter funnier... Hmmm... But I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless :3 Hugs to Tani who edited my text xD haha.

To Reviewers:

Again THANKOO for reviewing :3 Muchly appreciated.

Padfoot the evil-elf: Lol thankoo! Disturbing? Lol which part of it? =P

Moon Archer: xD Haha Glad you like the idea :3

LunaShadows: Hopefully his moustache isn't really evil and bent on taking over the world D: And Thankoo for adding this to your favorites xD

Clayin: Thankoo so much!

- Itami