I Need A Hero

Part Seven

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Cowboy Werewolf, in his regular human form, looked around the hustling main Promenade of Deling City. People walked to and fro, going in and out of the various businesses located throughout the street, which circled around the entirety of Galbadia's capital. None of the passersby even thought to look twice at the incredibly handsome young man (in his own words) who stood leaning against a lamppost casually. They had no idea that in mere hours, he was going to make their lives miserable, and not only take over Deling City but take down its two greatest champions, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal, as well.

Cowboy Werewolf forced himself not to laugh insanely as he thought of the carnage he was going to wreak on this city. He tipped his cowboy hat at a pretty girl passing by him, then started walking around the more affluent sections of the city, the areas he would target with his new master weapon. Once the blaring noise drove all of the wealthier citizens either unconscious or temporarily insane, he and his Wolf Pack would swoop in, stealing all of their valuables.

"Hey, boss," said one of the Wolf Pack members, sans mask, of course. "It looks like we're ready to go with our evil plot."

"Why don't you say 'evil plot' a little louder?" Cowboy Werewolf said. "I don't think everybody heard you."

"Sorry, Cowboy Wer-I mean, boss. I didn't say nothin' bout our Super Insano Noisy Truck or how we're gonna steal everybody's jewels and stuff."

Cowboy Werewolf rolled his eyes. "Don't call me 'Cowboy Werewolf' while we're incognito, okay? And maybe you should wait until we're closer to the police station before you start talking about the specifics of our evil plot!"

"Shh!" shushed the Wolf Packer. "Don't talk about evil plots while we's out in public, boss!"

Had he been in his werewolf form, Cowboy Werewolf would have ripped the lamppost out of the cement and whacked the Wolf Pack member with it like a baseball bat. Sadly, he was in his weaker human form at the moment, and so he merely sighed and put his hand over his forehead in aggrandizement. "All right. Has Team B reported in yet?"

"No, sir, Cowboy Werewolf-"

"I said to stop calling me that while we're in public!"

"-sorry, boss. Anyway, I ain't heard nothin' from Team B yet, sir."

"That's okay," said Cowboy Werewolf. "We have plenty of time." He rubbed his hands together in anticipation, an act which brought on some odd looks from other members of the Deling City community. "Soon, we'll have all the jewels, cash, and bearer bonds within the city, and even better, I'll finally be able to get my arch-enemies, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal!" Cowboy Werewolf realized he was on a path of speech which might end up with him chuckling madly, and since he didn't want to attract any attention, he stopped talking completely.

The Wolf Pack recruit looked confused, which was not surprising, considering the average intelligence level of his subordinates. "Whatcha got against Captain Zoom, boss? Or Rocket Gal? She's hot!"

"She is a little hot-in fact, she reminds me of a cute little girl from my school days," said Cowboy Werewolf as he looked off into the distance. "But hot or not, I have to take them both down. Why? Because I'm a super-villain. I am the yin to their yang; the evil to their good. I must defeat them. My only purpose in life is to destroy them. I have nothing else, I AM nothing else, until I stand victorious over their broken bodies, wind blowing through my hair...or rather, fur. Only then can I call myself truly a man, truly a warrior." He struck a pose that would have seemed horrifically evil had anyone recognized him as a super-powered criminal.

"Gee, you make it sound like it's personal," said the Wolf Packer.

"Oh, well, I guess it's not. Not really." Cowboy Werewolf thought about it. "No, it isn't. But, well, you know, if you're going to be bad, why not take it all the way?"

"You're so evil, Cowboy Werewolf," said the Wolf Pack member.

"I told you to stop calling me that!"

-Later, at a spacious loft apartment in downtown Deling City...

Zell flipped channels on the television. "Man, things sure have been quiet, lately."

"Hey!" Selphie shouted in protest. "I was watching that!"

"You mean you like watching reruns of Everybody Loves Laguna? That show just wasn't that good."

"Shut up," she told him curtly. "Sir Laguna was the handsomest and best actor EVER. You just can't appreciate his talent."

"Well, he's handsome, maybe, but as far as acting goes-" Zell stopped himself. "I don't know that I want to talk about that right now." As he was debating whether or not it was acceptable to refer to another man as handsome, Selphie snatched the remote control out of his hand and turned the channel back to Everybody Loves Laguna. "Hey!" Zell protested.

Laguna and his older brother, Larry, were backing away from a growling dog. They had been trying to break into their parents' house to return the dirty magazine they'd found in their father's underwear drawer. "Get him offa me!" Larry shouted as the dog latched onto the hem of his pantleg.

"Don't worry," Laguna said. He knelt down next to the dog. "Hey, cut that out, dude. It isn't cool."

The dog stopped barking, whined, and looked at Laguna thoughtfully. Then, as if in personal insult, he began barking loudly again.

"What's going on out here?" Doris, Laguna and Larry's mother demanded, walking out her back door. "What are you two up to?"

"Nothing, ma," said Larry in his rumbly bass voice.

"Nothing, eh? Then, what's that?" Doris asked, pointing to the magazine in Laguna's left hand.

Laguna looked flustered. "Ummm...it's a, it's a..."

"It's a cookbook!" was what Larry came up with.

"Oh, really? Let me see it!"

"Um, no," Laguna stammered. "It's only a cookbook for...uh, men."

Doris snatched the periodical out of Laguna's hand. "I can see that," she said, flipping through the pages. "Whose is this?"

"Dad's," both Laguna and his brother said in unison, hoping to avoid any possible scoldings.

Selphie giggled. "This show is so funny!"

"You have got to be kidding," Zell said.

"Doris!" Pete, Laguna's father, called from inside the house. "Where's my dinner! I'm hungry! I want it now!"

"Oh, you're going to get it!" Doris said threateningly, stomping back into the house.

Larry looked angrily at his younger brother, still fighting off the dog. "You realize she's going to find a way to blame this on me."

"Don't worry," Laguna said pleasantly. "She'll know it's not our fault."

"She'll know it's not your fault," Larry said ominously. Then he sighed. "Everybody loves Laguna..."

"I always wondered," Zell said thoughtfully. "If Laguna was such a popular actor, why'd he have to do anything else?"

"Hm?" Selphie prompted half-heartedly, giving nearly her entire attention to the television screen.

Zell scratched his head. "Think about it. Laguna had two successful TV shows, and like more than twenty feature films. That doesn't even include his B-movies. Why'd he run off to Esthar?"

"To save Ellone," Selhpie answered shortly. "You were there-well, sort of. Don't you remember?"

"I remember him being in Esthar," Zell said. "I don't remember him going there."

"Whatever," Selphie said, to a point, imitating Squall.

"This isn't even mine!" Pete screamed at Doris, slamming the dirty magazine down on their kitchen table. "I don't know why you barge in here and try to yell at me about nothing! Now, where's my dinner?"

"I'll give you your dinner!" Doris threatened, and before Laguna could stop her, she dumped a pot of spaghetti sauce over her husband's head.

"Did you practice our little victory dance?" Selphie asked out of the blue.

"Huh?" Zell said, startled after he had actually begun paying attention to the decades-old rerun.

"Our dance," Selphie repeated. "You know, the one we came up with together?"

"Yeah," said Zell, completely without enthusiasm. "I worked on it a little. Are you sure it won't seem too over-the-top?"

Selphie managed to sound convincingly disgusted even though she was engrossed in the television. "No way. Sir Laguna's book, My Most Important Victory Procedures, clearly states that no gesture can go too far when expressing your feelings about your victory. That's why we had to cook it up. That dance stands for our very identities. You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making you sing his cool 'victory theme.'"

"You are WAY too into him," Zell said, shaking his blond head.

"I keep telling you, it's not mine!" Pete protested, holding the magazine above his head. "This thing isn't even new. It's like something I would've bought years ago, for..." He stopped, looking at the somewhat pornographic material. "Wait a minute. I remember this! I bought it when Laguna was thirteen. I wanted to show him how to..." He stopped.

Laguna's eyes widened as well. "I didn't even recognize it..."

"Hah!" Larry laughed in triumph. "I told you I had nothing to do with this!"

"You corrupted my innocent baby?" Doris demanded, more angry than even before. "Pete Baron, I'll knock you into next-"

The next line was interrupted by a string of ambiguous noises.

"Something wrong with the cable?" Zell asked, diving behind the television set. "No," he called. "Everything's hooked up all right. I wonder what's going on?" The oddly unpleasant noises answered his question, sounding much, much closer this time.

Both Zell and Selphie dashed over to the large, long windows of their loft apartment. For moments, nothing was visible, but then, after waiting, they detected a moving vehicle driving towards them. As it approached closer, the din grew louder. Both SeeDs-turned-superheroes clapped their hands over their ears.

"I think we should-" Zell said as Selphie shouted, "We need to-"

Neither could hear the other, but each saw the intent apparent in the other's eyes. "Get snarfy!" they both said, although neither could hear. They high-fived, then used their respective powers of super-speed to get into costume. Mere seconds later, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal sped off to intercept the newest incoming menace.