Author: Moerae PM
DISCONTINUED. Life will never be the same again when both Kakashi and Jiraiya offer Sasuke unwanted advice on love, life... and peeping... future SasuNaru...Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Romance - Naruto U. & Sasuke U. - Chapters: 11 - Words: 51,536 - Reviews: 532 - Favs: 555 - Follows: 587 - Updated: 10-04-08 - Published: 07-19-04 - id: 1970664
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: same as previous.
Okay, this took a long time to get out. Life is trying to kill me and the must has decided to pack its bags and skidaddle out of my brain. So don't expect any updates any time soon. Although I do hope you enjoy this latest chapter because it has been a while and it's kind of refreshing doing this fic again.
"So, how did it go?"
"It was like trying to drag a stubborn mule up a mountain."
"That bad, huh."
"Makes me wonder if he ever listens to anyone!"
"He does when he feels the need."
"So how goes the training with the brat?"
"There hasn't been any training."
"Oh? I thought the brat would be bugging you to teach him the chidori or something by now."
"No, Naruto's been too preoccupied with the recent developments."
"Ah... the kiss, right?"
"That and Hyuuga Neji had a major nose bleed from the nipple ring."
A bark of laughter filled the semi-dark room as lightning streaked across the sky. "It's always the quiet ones. Maybe we should start recruiting."
Bored, bored and bored.
Sasuke drummed his fingers uselessly on top of his night stand and scowled at the fact that he was bored, and really he shouldn't be. A great ninja should devote most, if not all, of his time on training and honing his skills. So why wasn't he doing this?
One reason was probably to do with the sky working against him by saturating the whole of Konohakagure with rain – not that a little rain would stop him normally, but it wasn't just spitting, it was pouring. And as much as he liked to look like a drowned rat, Sasuke wasn't fond of wringing out the excess fluid from his clothes before he entered his apartment afterwards, nor did he like feeling cold and wet in general. So training outside was not an option.
He could read scrolls! Yes, that had also come to mind, but unfortunately for him, it was just one of those days that his mind refused to comprehend anything his eyes took in – well no, not really but he wasn't going to dwell on the real reason why he wanted to scream and rave and do nothing in general. He could read an entire book and come out scratching his head and asking himself 'just what the fuck was that about?'. So no, reading would be an utter waste of his time and energy. The same could be said about sharpening his shurikens and kunais because he was sure he'd take off a finger or two if he wasn't paying attention. Needless to say, he was taking a break from being Uchiha Sasuke today, and anything and everything related to ninjas and killing were going to be set aside so he could be bored and not think about that.
Letting out an exasperated sigh, he rubbed tiredly at his forehead, leaned forward and pulled open the night-stand's drawer. Maybe there was something in here that could keep him entertained for five minutes before he started yanking out his hair in frustration.
He rifled through the drawer's contents, gingerly pushed aside the green bottle of lube and the thin cardboard box – he didn't understand why he didn't just throw out the edible underwear – and came to the super-jumbo box of condoms. His hand stilled over the box, despite how frantically his mind was telling him to leave it alone, he deftly picked it up and opened it. Curiosity was going to kill him some day.
Going through the different coloured foil packages, he pulled out seven and laid them on his bed. Seven flavours: cherry, green apple, banana, strawberry, grape, watermelon and fruit punch. Did they really taste like what they say they tasted like?
He knew he shouldn't even be thinking about this sort of thing, but... Picking up the white innocuous looking fruit punch flavour, he looked at it this way and that and stared. What was fruit punch suppose to be? The others he could comprehend, but fruit punch?
Scowling and hating himself for what he was about to do, he ripped the packaging and pulled out the circle of rubber. Fuck! He couldn't believe he was doing this. Bringing it close to his nose, he gave it an experimental sniff and found a lingering scent of strawberries mixed with grapes. And before his mind could convince his body to fling the offending object across the room, his tongue peeked out and swiped across the condom.
Rolling the taste of it around, he came to the conclusion that it tasted fruity – which wasn't the greatest of all deductions and any idiot could come up with it. Hating himself more by the second, he took another experimental lick and came to the conclusion that fruit punch was a stupid flavour that was made to fool the unsuspecting and curious. Not liking the fact that he had been tricked into doing something so utterly stupid, Sasuke scowled at the condom and set it ablaze with a simple fire jutsu.
It wasn't the best idea he had had in his life – coughing and choking on the acrid smoke wasn't something he wanted to do – but at least it made him feel slightly better. With the offending piece of rubber reduced to an amorphous worm-like thing, he carelessly tossed it into the bin and got up off the bed.
If entertaining himself was going to be so damned hard, he might as well clean. At least cleaning was slightly productive, albeit boring.
Growling low in his throat and throwing another punch at the dummy he had made, Naruto pounced on the defenseless thing and tore it off its ropes. The make-shift 'Sasuke' thwapped about on the floor and made no move to defend itself, but despite that it brought him no joy.
Stupid fucking Sasuke!
Stupid fucking Kakashi!
He had gotten very little sleep last night because of what Kakashi had said and really, he had no idea what he was running on at the moment.
"Shit shit shit!" Each curse was punctuated with a good punch to the Sasuke dummy.
Now what was he going to do? Neji was a pervert. Sasuke might be attracted to him. The world was coming to an end.
You forgot the fact that you're still branded.
'Oh thank you so very much for reminding me!' He scowled. Damned Fox.
You're very welcome, ungrateful whelp!
He would've stuck out his tongue just to be irritating, but there was no one to poke his tongue at. Flopping back uselessly on the couch – he'd been lying on this thing for too long – he stared miserably up at the ceiling and contemplated on what to do. Should he beat the shit out of the dummy some more or do something else? It wasn't like he could do very much training considering how the sky just decided to open up and pour down torrents upon torrents of water, and he doubted he'd be able to concentrate at all.
You could always hunt down the Uchiha brat and...
'Don't even think about finishing that sentence,' he warned and sat upright.
Rummaging through the stack of semi-clean clothes – laundry was the least of his worries at the moment – he picked out a wrinkled blue shirt and a pair of jeans. He was going to go find Sasuke.
Brat, I told you that already, but you never take advice from your elders!
'Shut up, you! I'm going to find Sasuke to talk! Not to do any of the perverted stuff you were going to suggest!'
No one said you can't talk to him. In fact, you can talk and get laid!
He growled deep in his throat and glared at nothing in particular. 'Look you, the only thing I'll be doing is demanding to know whether or not that bastard is attracted to me. After that I'm going to come back here and that will be that!'
And if he says he's attracted to you? Are you finally going to listen to me and get deflowered?
He hadn't thought of that. What if Sasuke was attracted to him? What then? He shook his head and decided to think about that later. The chances of Sasuke being attracted to anyone was so low, he doubted it would matter.
'Horny bastard! Don't you ever get tired of being a pervert?'
Brat, once you've been living for as long as I have – and yes, I am speaking from experience! – you start to appreciate the simple, less complicated things in life.
Naruto snorted in derision and headed out his door and into the rain. Simple and less complicated indeed.
Glancing briefly at the clock Sasuke was shocked to find that it had only been an hour. In that hour he had managed to vacuum, dust and tidy everything in his apartment; either his apartment was tiny or he worked very fast.
Replacing the last of his scrolls onto the shelf, he was about to go flop on the couch and wait till boredom overtook him again when there was a loud bang on his door and a muffled 'open up you bastard!'.
Frowning and wondering if he could just leave the idiot on his doorstep, he went to open the door anyway and snorted at the sight. Naruto, for a lack of a better phrase, looked like a drowned rat. blond spikes were plastered to the moron's scalp like a skull cap, while dripping fat drops of water into angry blue eyes. He would've found it hilariously funny if not for the fact that what should be loose fitting clothes were also stuck to the slim, toned body it was covering. All the spit in his mouth dried and god damn it, he was not a horny bastard! Not at all! Even if the voice in his head was screaming 'Nipples! Nipples! Nipples!', he was still not a horny bastard!
"Stop staring and let me in!"
That definitely snapped him out of it, and the ever familiar downward tug of his lips made him feel a lot better. Scowling, he held the door open a tad more and allowed Naruto to trek a wet trail past him.
"Just how long have you been out in the rain, moron?"
He was not worried! Not at all! If the idiot decided to go out running around in the rain and end up catching his death, it wasn't his problem!
"Not long," Naruto turned and arched a brow. "What, Uchiha? Getting concerned about little old me?"
"Not likely," he scoffed, but snagged the other's soaking shirt sleeve and started to drag his protesting friend down the hall and into the bathroom. "Just don't want you to drop dead in the middle of my home."
"Aw! Sasuke is worried about me!" Naruto gushed, trying to push the warm fuzzies back down into the pit of his stomach while controlling the blood flow to his cheeks. Why the fuck was he blushing of all things? "Oi! Why am I in your bathroom?"
"Because," Sasuke drawled, turning on the shower head to hot and shoving a very confused Naruto under it. "You were dripping all over the place." When the blond tried to squirm his out of the scalding water, he grabbed a handful of hair – he hated hair pulling, but if that was the way to get Naruto to stay, then so be it – and shoved a yelling Naruto back under. "Take a shower before you catch your death, idiot."
"Ow! Hot, you bastard! I'll burn to death!"
There was a brief scuffle until a petulant Naruto huffed in defeat and started to peal his shirt off. Blood gushed unbidden to Sasuke's face and he whipped around and dashed out of the bathroom before the blond could take any more clothes off.
Flushing at the implications of what a fleeing Sasuke could mean –
It can only mean two things, brat. Kyuubi drawled with glee. The brat thinks you're butt ugly or I was right and the Uchiha brat wants you bad.
– Naruto tried to suppress fluttering in his belly and kicked the rest of his clothes off, and threw it into a little heap on the tiled floor before tilting his head up to the spray. He entertained the idea that Sasuke might be attracted to him for all but a few handful of seconds before shaking his head vigorously to clear the thoughts. There were better things to do – like straight out asking the bastard so he wouldn't have to think about this anymore – and he really wanted things to go back to normal soon. If not, he was sure his head was going to pop off and Kyuubi will come running out of his cracked skull and dance on his corpse.
There was an amused gaffaw in his head and he winced as the internal noise bounced around between his ears. 'Would you keep it down!'
Ah, but brat, you paint such an interesting image...
Mood darkening once more – he hated to admit it, but the bastard was right about getting warm – he slowly reached for the little orange bar of soap and looked at it this way and that in suspicion. He had stayed over at Sasuke's place once or twice, but he had never bathed here – he was either past out from too much alcohol or had already showered before coming over to watch a movie with the guys. So yes, this was indeed a new experience for him and who could blame him for being a little suspicious of what the Uchiha kept in his bathroom.
Carefully sniffing the soap, he was surprised to find the pleasant scent of sandalwood waft up his nose. He didn't think Sasuke was a person who would use anything scented. The Uchiha seemed like the type who would go out of his way to buy something that had no smell whatsoever, as all good ninja were supposed to. Although, he wasn't one to talk considering he had a small stock of soap that smelled like watermelon. Shrugging and finally feeling tense muscles relax, he lathered himself up and scrubbed carefully around his lower back. That thing still hurt like a bitch.
He scowled and his thoughts drifted to the many possible ways he could maim and kill the old pervert, which somehow meandered to wondering about what Sasuke's tattoo could be. By this point Naruto was so utterly enraptured with tracing the floral tattoo designs that could be adorning Sasuke's skin with his mind's eye, he had completely forgotten about the ever present voice in his head laughing madly in glee.
He would've stomped on himself if he could for being such an obvious and stupid idiot. Sasuke scowled and rummaged around in his drawer for clothes that Naruto could wear, and found himself going through his small wardrobe several times looking for a top that did not have the Uchiha fan on it. However, as the fates would have it, the only top that fit that category was something that was so heinously small Sasuke doubted a fifteen year old would even be able to fit it let alone Naruto.
Throwing it aside and resigning himself to once again having his family crest being worn be someone else other than himself, he reluctantly fished out one of his regular navy shirts along with a pair of loose fitting cargos. He stared mournfully at the shirt and bunched it up angrily along with the pants. Wondering if he should include a pair of boxers as well, he threw in a pair anyway and marched angrily back to the bathroom.
Not only was he letting the moron wear his family crest, but he was also lending him underwear! It was...
... almost like they're married...?
The frown marring his face turned into an ugly scowl and he proceeded to stomp even harder on the wooden floors of his apartment. Not bothering to knock, he barged into the bathroom and was glad that the moron was still in the shower and thus behind the shower curtain. He was sure nudity in this context was going to make things worse, not that nudity in any context was going to make things better.
"Oi, moron!" he semi-yelled over the noise of the shower, and cocked his head to the side as a bar of soap grazed his ear.
"How many bloody times do I have to repeat myself? I. Am. Not. A. Moron, asshole!"
"Fine, idiot. I'll be in the kitchen so come find me when you're done in here."
There was an outraged gargle and Sasuke was amused to find a red-faced Naruto peer at him around the shower curtain. "You came in here to tell me that?! You could've done that outside!"
"Ah, but," he drawled, mood lifting at the anger rising on the blond's face. "You wouldn't get these," he waved the bundle of clothes tauntingly, "if I didn't come in here. I'm sure you don't want a repeat of that again."
If Naruto's scowls could kill, Sasuke was sure this was a very good attempt at achieving that. "Right if you don't want your clothes..."
"Bastard, if you don't put those down I swear I'll tackle you in my birthday suit!"
A dark brow lifted and little did Naruto know Sasuke and Kyuubi were thinking the same thing. That's supposed to be threatening?!
And apparently Sasuke had voiced his opinion because there was a strangled gurgle from a now blushing Naruto. Feeling blood rushing to his face as well, Sasuke coughed loudly into the awkward silence and dumped the pile of clothes on the nearby counter. Without so much as a sarcastic remark, he turned swiftly on his feet and slammed the bathroom door behind him as he walked out.
Well that certainly went well, Kyuubi drawled before breaking out into helpless chortles. Oh whelp, you really need to learn how to threaten people.
'Shut up, you bastard!'
Yeah, yeah. How many times have I heard that for the past few weeks?
Banging pots around the kitchen in hopes of relieving some of his anger and embarrassment, Sasuke was pissed to discover that no amount of banging – pot banging, damn it! – was going to make him feel better. Swinging a particularly large copper saucepan through the air, he forced himself to take in a deep calming breath and lowered the potential weapon.
He was a ninja, damn it! And self control was something that should come to him naturally. He should be able to withstand anything!
...all except Naruto...
Scowling at his thoughts and wishing to hell he could throw the saucepan across the room, he calmly forced his hands to let go of the handle and made himself walk stiffly to the sink. Tea. He would make tea. Tea was supposed to calm the nerves and everything else in general.
Setting the water to boil on the stove, Sasuke went about locating the plain brown ceramic teapot, which was a simple enough task. But finding the tin of green tea powder he had stashed away was another matter. It wasn't that he was trying to impress the blonde idiot, but serving something other than the best to a guest – well, calling Naruto a guest was pushing it considering how his friend seem to think he could just barge in whenever he liked – went against everything his mother had drummed into him. So with his usual frown plastered on his face, he rummaged through the cupboards and would have whooped in triumph if it wasn't so out of character.
He dumped a good sized heap of green powder into the little teapot and poured in the steaming water. The rising plume of white hit him pleasantly in the face and he was reminded briefly of the many times his mother would set a freshly made pot of tea onto the table along with a plate of seaweed sprinkled rice crackers as afternoon tea. He paused and his brows wrinkled.
Where had that...
Roughly dragging the plush towel through his wet hair, he tugged a little at the dark blue shirt hanging loosely on his frame and the pair of worn sweatpants clinging desperately to his hips. Damn the bastard for still being bigger than him. It wasn't that he hadn't grown at all for the past few years, but it seemed that no matter how much height or build he gained Sasuke would always beat him.
Pouting at the injustice of it all, he draped the towel around his shoulders and stomped his way into the kitchen. The bastard better be ready for an earful, because he sure as hell was going to –
He paused mid step and watched in bemusement at the blank and slightly confused expression that Sasuke was wearing. What? Moving closer, he wondered if the bastard had finally cracked and staring into a half full teapot was his way of entertaining himself, but that idea quickly skittered by when the beginnings of a thoughtful frown appeared. No, not entertainment. A thought of some sort, and a dark brooding one at that.
Flinging the towel onto the back of the couch, he stepped silently beside Sasuke and gently pried the kettle away from his silent friend.
"Oi, Sasuke," he murmured gently, not wanting to startle the other man. Ninjas were very jumpy creatures. "Go sit down."
He finished pouring the water into the pot, and fished out two mugs from the cupboard behind him. Seeing the frown getting worse, Naruto wondered what was wrong now. "What?"
"I could've done that." If Uchihas could pout...
Naruto shrugged and grabbed the two mugs with one hand while his other reached for the pot of tea. Setting the items down, he went back and scrounged around for the pack of cookies he had hidden in one of the cupboards. He knew they would come in handy some day – that and he also knew Sasuke would never have anything sweet lying around the place and he took it upon himself to try and keep a secret stash of sweets in his apartment. Tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth, he reached to the very back of the cupboard and would've gone cross-eyed when a hand gripped at his wrist and pulled his arm out.
"Wha – ?"
He would've gotten more out if not for the sudden awareness of the solid wall of warmth pressed against his back. Flushing and hating himself for reacting to Sasuke's sudden close proximity, he growled in what he hoped was a 'back off or I'll bite your nose off' growl.
"If you're trying to find that pack of cookies you've left behind the last time you were here," Sasuke drawled, not letting go of Naruto's wrist, led the boy to the pantry. "They've been relocated."
Still blushing and trying to ignore the hand clamped around his wrist, Naruto gave an experimental tug and wasn't pleased when Sasuke didn't seem to get the message. If anything, it only seemed to increase the grip and the flow of blood to his face increased ten fold. Gods why wasn't he letting go?
The words 'you need to let go now or I'm going to faint from all the blood rushing to my head' were on the tip of his tongue but they never made it out as the pantry door slid open. There amidst the neat rows of packaged food and cans was a small corner stocked with cup ramen, cookies and junk food. His eyes bugged out a little and he stared wordlessly as Sasuke reached in, grabbed a packet of chocolate chip cookies and dumped it in his arms.
"I-I thought you don't – "
"I don't," Sasuke mumbled, moving swiftly back to his seat but not before Naruto noticed the slight pink tinge marring his cheeks.
"Then why do you – "
"Because I don't want you hiding food in my cupboards."
Scowling a little to hide the fact that the corners of his lips were threatening to pull up into a face-splitting grin, Naruto huffed and fished out a half-eaten pack of rice crackers. "Here," he muttered and unceremoniously slumped into a chair.
"And besides, I know you don't like rice crackers," Sasuke stated redundantly, and Naruto huffed even more as he began munching on a cookie.
Glancing up Naruto found Sasuke attacking his own rice cracker with a single-minded intent. He smirked. Well at least he wasn't the only person finding this situation odd. Although, if anyone bothered to ask him – and very few people did – he thought the entire situation, from when he first returned to Konoha till now, was so crazy he wouldn't be surprised if someone informed him he could have children. Not knowing whether that was a horrifying thought or not, he nearly jumped out of his skin when dark eyes stared at him. His lips twitched of their own accord and pulled into his customary grin. Taking another bite, he washed it down with a gulp of tea and waited. He was definitely not going to be the one to start this conversation even if he really wanted to get the questions over and done with.
"So start talking, moron."
It had been easy enough when he had been discussing his plans and basically shouting and screaming at Kyuubi, but now he wasn't so sure. Taking his time chewing the morsel in his mouth, he mulled over how to begin when dark eyes glared expectantly at him. He glared back with just as much irritation, if not more, and hacked off another bite of cookie just to annoy the Uchiha further because damn it to hell, he will start whenever he damned pleased!
"Fine fine. Gees, Sasuke, you'd almost think – "
"Get on with it or get out."
"This is one of the reasons why people don't like to visit you, Sasuke," Naruto chided mildly and twiddled his fingers a little. Taking a deep breath and saying goodbye to the world as he knew it, he began shaping the question he wanted to ask.
Are you attracted to me?
Even though the words formed in his mind were simple enough, what came out of his mouth was a different matter. He found himself blinking in confusion as his ears registered the question he had just voiced. 'Can I see your tattoo?' was very different from 'Are you attracted to me?', and it left him all the more bewildered why that would come out of his mouth instead of his intended question.
And it seemed he wasn't the only one shocked. Sasuke was staring at him with an expression that told him that the Uchiha wasn't sure whether he should be astonished or angry, and Naruto would've laughed too if it didn't entail him having to explain why he had asked that. As it was, he wanted to crawl into a hole and hide until he was a hundred and ten.
"Uh, what I meant was..."
The sentence petered off into silence as he tried to think up a way to try and salvage things, but there was very little he could say to change what he had asked to something else. It also didn't help that the Fox was howling its head off in the back of his head, and the shrill laughs were making the back of his eyeballs hurt.
"You came all the way over here in the rain to ask about my tattoo?"
The question was asked calmly enough, but Naruto could hear the undercurrent of a threat and his eyes narrowed in annoyance. It wasn't his fault that his mouth went and talked without his consent!
"So what if I had, bastard? Are you going to kick me out?"
He crossed his arms over his chest and he glared at the Uchiha.
"Yes, I am," Sasuke stated calmly and stood to remove Naruto from his seat.
Blinking in confusion and wondering why Sasuke wasn't yelling back at him.
"W-wait a minute! You can't just – "
"I can when you're wasting my time."
Naruto watched dumbly as Sasuke moved to stand behind his chair. He was still immobile when pale hands landed on his shoulders and began to urge him to stand. It was only when he was half way up that his brain finally decided to stop spluttering protests and other blathering nonsense and got back on track.
"Wait a frickin' minute!"
"Yes! I just want one look!"
All thoughts about asking Sasuke whether or not he was attracted to him flew out the window. He could ask that as soon as he got a glance at this mysterious tattoo, because he was not avoiding the issue at hand!
Sure you're not, kit.
By this time Naruto was already half way to the door and no amount digging his feet into the carpet was slowing the Uchiha in kicking him out.
"Stop being such an ass! You've seen mine, it's only fair that I get to see yours too!"
"Life's not fair, Naruto, deal with it."
Almost to the foyer. Biting hard on his lip, he turned his most hated puppy dog eyes – yes, he did indeed have that up his sleeves and according to the pervert it was the dirtiest trick in the book – at the Uchiha and hoped to hell it would have some sort of effect. Because knowing Sasuke, most things that Naruto found worked on his other friends didn't apply to the Uchiha.
There was a moment of silence as he watched dark eyes take in his jutted out lips and what he hoped to be huge swimming blue eyes. Sasuke's eyes narrowed and Naruto watched with some amusement as the pale throat worked and the grip around his bicep loosened and fell away completely. He inwardly grinned in triumph. Naruto one, Sasuke zero!
"... Fine," Sasuke growled and sulkily went back to the lounge. "But you breath a word, just one word to anyone you – "
"Yeah yeah." He bounced his way to the couch and flopped back. "So show me!"
Well aren't we just an eager little pup?
'Shut up, dirty old Fox!'
'Dirty old Fox'? Who's the dirty one? Asking the poor Uchiha brat to strip and show you his tattoo.
'He's not going to strip!' Naruto felt his cheeks warm and tried hard to control the incoming blush. 'At most, he'd probably take his shirt off.'
Aw... only his shirt?
'Shut up you pervert!'
Author's note: Okay, I'm so sorry! Cliff-hanger wasn't intentional. By the time I got up to there the muse has once again abandoned me and for the life of me nothing would come out. And making you all wait for ages was... well not appealing. So have a nibble of this and pray like hell I'll be able to get something out soon.