Chapter 22: Old Flames

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A/N: Almost the end of a long journey. Just a small piece to sustain. –Amalynne

The pages of the diary were growing thin, and Remus (though generally a patient man) was tempted to skip ahead. "Only once," he told himself, "Just a peek." And so his thumb caught one of the last pages, sending him into the last weeks of Sirius Black's life.

The scene materialized in Grimmauld Place, a seasoned Sirius stood perched at the foot of the staircase, hair at his shoulders, ruggedly tossed in his eyes, sporting the new clothing from Harrods that Kingsely had been so kind to pick out for him. A petit witch in her thirties, with short dark hair coifed in stylish layers, stood at his side, fidgeting in her sport coat and red stilettos. She looked out of place in the house, exhausting the look of an expensive muggle businesswoman. They had happened to meet alone, it wasn't intentional, but neither minded.

"You're still around," Sirius smirked at Elise, "You must have kept our secret."

"And I'll keep it to the grave," Elise grinned back wryly, "If that's what you want."

He looked at her, searching for a moment, looking for missing pieces to a puzzle that had been abandoned for nearly 13 years. "It wasn't right of me…" he started.

"We were kids," Elise put in before he could finish. "We do things in the moment because of our drives… because we're convinced we're right, we grow beyond that if we're lucky. I know you'd never do it now."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Do you, because I don't… God, you wouldn't believe some of the things I've considered being locked up in this musty rat hole. It can make you mad…" He sounded as though he were about to reveal some deep inner struggle but decided to spare Elise—and himself- the awkwardness.

"But you need a sort of madness to get through times like these, Sirius, it's not all bad… madness, that is." Elise offered a haunting smile, barely breaking at the corners of her mouth.

"I don't know what to think of that Collier, coming from you—it is Collier, right, not something worse or more dignified?" A trace of distaste was unmistakable in Sirius' tone, which he quickly tried to mask with a twitching sort of grin.

"It was Bruhns, until about 11 months ago…" Elise began in a slow, guarded sort of way.

"Divorce," Sirius assumed quickly, almost smug.

Elise licked her lips and smiled, a curt, detached smile, the kind you give someone when they've struck a nerve. "Murdered, on business. Well," Elise began hastily, fighting back emotion, "He was a muggle you see, an American… very adventurous, would never listen to me… and if Death Eaters hadn't gotten to him first, I'm sure sky diving, bungee jumping, or spelunking would have finished him off… I'd rather it had been those things, or none of them at all, just not the way it happened." Elise trailed off weakly, eyes fixed on the moldy peeling wallpaper of Sirius' drawing room.

Sirius was taken aback, ashamed, and red faced at his previous tactless blurting. "I-I didn't know…"

"It's alright," she answered quickly, pulling her eyes away from the stripped wallpaper. "He wouldn't have wanted me blabbing about it anyway… he never liked anything unpleasant, hated funerals, hated to be at his own, I'm sure," Elise smiled awkwardly.

"What was his name?" Sirius asked out of pure curiosity.

"Thomas."

"Good strong name…" Sirius smirked.

"It looked good on business cards," Elise said, unable to hide a thick, painful tremor, though she was smiling. "I loved him terribly," she stated after a long moment.

Sirius fidgeted, he could not place the blaze of emotions that were consuming him: pain for Elise and her loss, fury that death came on swift wings for the innocent, fury that he had never loved, and fury that he had never shared that love with her. It was funny how old flames came back so heated, sharp, and biting. A world beyond a cell held so much raw human feeling, at times he wished for the old confinement, as not to endure the overwhelming swelter of emotion that engulfed the world. The exposure to this manner of loss and emotion was at times a horrific rush of feelings that Sirius had not had to face for years. He was gradually finding the pieces again…

"Is Remus here, then?" Elise asked to fill the void of painful silence.

"Somewhere," Sirius shrugged, visibly consumed in a thought that left him eyeing her in a haunting, hungry sort of way.

She wished she could have felt disturbed, worried even, by the way his grey eyes bore through her, but she could not manage it… she felt elated, longing, ashamed… There was a strange tingly, youthful excitement in seeing him again, as though not a day had passed since she laughed with him in her dormitory, perfectly delighted to be in his roguish company. He was wild still, wilder than before, fearless of death, so perilously attractive despite the years of wear and Azkaban torture.

She didn't realize she had gazed off into a distracted oblivion until she heard Sirius' voice on the other side, taking her by utter surprise.

"We would have had nine kids, you know, all brats, and you'd have loved them, Collier."

Elise blinked for a moment, mouth agape, "I—what?"

"You know we would have," Sirius said without the slightest trace of shame. "And I might have even asked you to marry me, even though I'm not the marrying type… and I think I would have liked it too."

Elise was gradually growing redder, eyebrows narrowing as she considered it. "I-I, you—you never would have, Sirius! I waited for two years and you never wanted to talk about it,"

Amused by her visible ferocity withheld for over a decade, Sirius could not help but laugh. "Of course I would have, Elle! I had every intention to; I just didn't want to allow you a sense of complacency… I wanted it to be a bloody surprise and it would have been… if things had gone a little differently."

"You say that now," Elise snapped, "but you strung me along for a while!"

"Lily said you thought that," Sirius uttered with a smile quiet remembrance, "When she heard what my true intentions were she was really excited for it, it took everything she had in her not to tell you… I was going to ask you that Christmas…And besides, you loved the stringing along part. You were mad for me Collier, you told me every morning."

Elise was thoroughly red in the face, huffing and puffing with embarrassment. "This is cruel to do to me, you know, to a woman who has just lost her husband—reminding me of that wretched past. You think you're life ended, Sirius, when James and Lily died, think of how mine ended; I had no one left! The ministry tried me as your accomplice and for years I was treated like a vile conspirator, even Dumbledore turned his back to me, even when I applied for a post at the school I loved, they wouldn't have me… and I hated you. I truly did… it was hard to at first, because I knew you, I loved you…"

Sirius flinched at the words, his heart picking up speed, like a steam engine gaining momentum, heading straight for a solid brick wall. This could not end well.

Elise continued on, impassioned, "You couldn't have been evil. Over time I forced myself to accept an untruth and now it's hard to believe the truth. The truth was all I ever wanted. That's why I left to the states for so many years, the integration was easier, and life was fresh… but even then evil slithers its way into the happiest and most protected parts of life. You don't know what it was like, Sirius," her voice became a whisper as she fought back feeling, her hands shakily, running through her auburn hair, "when I came home that morning and your bed was empty, the apartment had been sacked, and the Prophet had your face screaming back at me from page 1. I cried my heart out for hours, screaming into pillows, catatonic, unable to feel… and then they came for me and I sat through the hearings pretending that I had been your conspirator, wishing the accusations were true so they could put me up there with you, somewhere near at least, any Azkaban cell to be near you. Lily, James, you… what did I have left. I envied you. You didn't have to live, how lucky, and I just couldn't hate you."

Sirius' eyes blazed like wild fire, unreadable in their pulsing fanatical fervor.

Elise gasped as rush of humiliation washed over her. "I-I'm so sorry Sirius, I shouldn't be here, I told Molly I shouldn't be here… this isn't right, isn't fair. I should have shut up; I just should have bloody shut up."

Who knows what would have happened next however if Harry had not stumbled down the hall after Kreacher, swearing violently as the ancient elf hobbled off with a pair of clean socks. "Those are mine, your ruddy, worm-ridden parasite; they weren't 'befouling' anything!" Harry halted in his tracks however as he realized he had interrupted a private interlude between his godfather and a stately looking witch.

"Oh-oh, sorry, Sirius, I didn't know you—"

"It's alright, Harry," Sirius insisted, appearing somewhat calmed and relieved by the disturbance, "I'd like you to meet an old schoolmate of mine, Elise Collier…Bruhns."

Elise managed a smile at Harry, extending a hand, in a surreal act as she looked back at the mirror image of James. "I have to tell you," she began.

"I look just like my dad?" Harry shrugged knowingly.

"Why yes, but better looking, you're lucky."

Harry rouged slightly, taking note of how truly pretty the witch actually was. The words blurted out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Did you two date, then?"

Barking laughter erupted from Sirius as he slapped his godson emphatically on the back, only causing the redness on Harry's face to increase to a very vibrant level. "Don't be shy, it's a fair question, wouldn't you say so, Elle?"

"It would only be a fair question if it weren't true," Elise grinned, "but it's been ages. He was a total ass too and I was coerced and unjustly forced into a date with him… he called me four-eyes."

"And endured it for two years hence, Collier, don't tailor it to make yourself sound better."

Elise laughed lightly. "It was certainly a different time. We were great friends with your parents as I'm sure you know…"

"Wait," Harry halted, "You knew my parents before they died?"

Elise glanced at Sirius warily for a moment. "Why yes, I was quite close to your mother up until her passing… I have many baby pictures of you, Harry, embarrassing as that might be for you. I gave you a squeaking snitch on your first Christmas," Elise trailed off.

Harry blinked for a moment as he considered, his face lighting up with recognition, "You're in the album Hagrid gave me, and you had big glasses and are always talking to my mum."

Elise chuckled reminiscently, "Yes, those horn-rims were the rage in the 80's. Lily told me I looked booky."

"Collier, horn-rimmed glasses were never the rage, you just lacked taste," Sirius mocked playfully.

In an attempt to escape the increasingly awkward scene, Elise pursed her lips, and took Harry by the arm, "Your godfather is horrendous, let's go upstairs and find Molly, maybe she has some clean socks for you."

Sirius tried to sustain a smile as Elise chattily walked Harry up the stairs, his heart sinking into his stomach as he watched her go, wondering if she would ever have the heart to return.

There was a blur of mist, shifting the scene to the drawing room in Grimmauld Place. A meeting of sorts was taking place…

"Minerva McGonagall," Molly Weasely hissed, "You don't ask people questions of that nature; I'd have thought you of all people would know!"

McGonagall fidgeted in her seat, nostrils flaring with indignant hostility. "I thought it a perfectly valid question, given the previous connection between Collier and Black."

Mrs. Weasley was standing, pacing before McGonagall, dithering about. "But you cannot, cannot ask a person such as Ms. Collier whether she is currently having relations with Sirius, it's just unheard of, tactless!"

"By relations, I merely meant those of the most innocuous sense; friendship, attachment, and yes, a romantic inclination. The Order must take every precaution!" McGonagall snapped, somewhat discomfited by the reception of the question she had directed at Elise.

Mrs. Weasley's mouth twitched on the verge of further protestations however chose to quiet herself, merely stating, "Relations, in the future, Minerva, is a sexual inference."

All the while Elise sat blinking, mortified at the question, red-faced and praying to god Sirius didn't stride in obliviously to the questioning fray.

"I think McGonagall has some legitimate concerns," a sly weedy voice drawled from across the room. In greasy glory sat Severus Snape, a deviant smile playing at the corners of his pencil thin lips. "Now isn't the time for secrets and division, such hindrances could jeopardize live. So, answer the question, Collier."

Visibly humiliated, radiating waves of utter fury towards Snape, Elise was tempted to flip him a gesture she only used while driving. Gathering herself, she answered testily, "I'm sure Sirius would much rather answer that, thank you!"

Her worst fear was realized as Sirius made his way into the room just in time to hear his name mentioned. "And what question would that be?"

"Your current relational status with Collier," McGonagall offered with shameless importance. "It is imperative to know potential hazards between Order members as they will be targeted by Death Eaters, in turn jeopardizing the lives of others… It is a question asked out of necessity," MacGonagal put in quickly upon viewing the incredulous expression stealing Sirius' features.

"Necessity?" Sirius paused for a moment, licking his lips in distracted contemplation. "Mhm, yes, I see…well, you've got a lot to worry about because we're pretty serious… yeah… we're planning on having ten puppies and naming them after world famous quidditch players, we're also into some really wild stuff too, we've been together ever since the beginning when Collier would send me dirty letters tucked into the newspapers sent to Azkaban," Sirius smirked with sardonic humor.

The room erupted with hysterical laughter.

"I've been locked up for thirteen years, when would I have cultivated any romantic ties? Least of all to Elise, who was married by the way, to a top tier human being!"

"We're merely going off patterns of previous behavior," Snape added, "canines hardly have the type of self-control you claim to possess."

"This is my house, Snape, I could ask you to leave it," Sirius began sternly.

"But you won't!" cried Mrs. Weasley who had flitted between Sirius and Snape who had come to stand militantly close to one another. "Because everyone's just being silly, silly is all, ridiculous!" Her voice cracked as she urged both wizards into their seats.

"Now," she sighed breathlessly, "We'll have a nice meeting and leave everyone's bedroom activities at the door!"

It would have been nice, Sirius thought internally, to drop kick Snape like a football, sending him soaring into the dirty streets of London. These were the thoughts that sustained his humor for the duration of the meeting, otherwise brooding at the eternal impossibility of Collier and that past she could not let him forget.

Elise's hazel eyes met his from across the room, they blazed like ambers against lava, no different than the day they'd kissed in the astronomy tower, soared through the air on his motorbike in the bewitching hours, shared a glass of champagne at a Paris café, argued over ice cream flavors in the grocery store, picked out names for their imagined children, danced at James and Lily's wedding, admitted love on the London trolley… the memories were endless and they had haunted him every hour and every day in his lonely Azkaban cell. What a shock it had been to know she lived, that she wasn't dead like the other images that haunted his mind. He yearned so badly to act on the memories, the haunting past, but he felt dead inside, like a rock that could do nothing but watch. It was a helpless feeling.

The meeting flew by without much of Sirius' attention, ending quite before he had realized it. Wizards stood to shake his hand and offer encouragement, but he absorbed very little of it, acting as if wired, mechanical, without thought. Only when the little brown haired witch approached him did the life light flicker on.

"Thank you for handling that so well," she said courteously, "I was really put on the spot, it was quite appalling."

Sirius shrugged. "It made things interesting, which is saying something for this house."

"I would… like to talk to you, alone, when we can really be alone," Elise spoke quietly. "If you would ever want to, I mean. I spoke without thinking earlier; I swear I won't do that again."

Sirius licked his lips for a moment, considering. "I hope you don't feel obligated, because of me… your life is your own now, everyone has moved forward, I don't expect you to feel like you need to wade in the past because of my… situation," he said stiffly.

"It's not about that. You cannot imagine my joy, Sirius, to know you are well. I would like to talk to you, let me… please. I won't let the wild woman consume me again, I'll reign in the emotion… you've never liked too much of that."

"I haven't," he shrugged, "but hearing your voice is better than not hearing it, wild woman or not," he smiled at her, a tempting sort of smile, causing her heart to melt just a little. She was looking at Sirius Black again and it was going to be alright.

It was a small dose enlightenment for Remus as he closed the diary, but skipping ahead stole the luster of the journey and he would not be tempted to do it again.*

A/N: Back to the past with the next entry. We're getting close to the end guys. I just had this little piece floating around and wanted to share it. Review :)