|Fractured Fairy Tales
Author: Candyland PM
[CHAPTER 4--Cinderella] The FY characters are putting on a show! See your favorite fairy tales get twisted almost beyond recognition through fire, chaos, and Magical Puberty Fairies.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 4 - Words: 7,771 - Reviews: 56 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 08-27-04 - Published: 07-29-04 - id: 1988202
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
AN: Whee, good reviews, and lots of suggestions! I love you all! [hugs reviewers]
Okay, we had two votes for each of two stories, so I'm going to do one and then the other. Feel free to keep making suggestions, but after this chapter will be "Sleeping Beauty." At the end of that chapter, I'll probably take the votes and offer a poll or something—three options. But requests are always taken!
Anyhoo, time to butcher Cinderella. Naturally, this won't be the Grimm version! I don't own Fushigi Yuugi, nor do I own the story I am about to rip into little tiny pieces and scatter to the winds.
Yui, taking her turn as Narrator for the Fushigi Yuugi Theatre, looked out at the audience.
They looked back warily. Having already experienced several of these plays, they were somewhat apprehensive about what today's show might bring. But the doors were locked; there was no escape.
The Seiryu no Miko smiled. "Welcome, friends. Today's show is the classic fairy tale of Cinderella. However, due to our casting, we've had to change the story just a tiny bit. So tonight, we are delighted to present to you our rendition of Cinder-fella."
The audience's eyes shifted back and forth nervously as the curtain rose.
Yui cleared her throat and began to read from the book on the podium. "Once upon a time, there was a young man. He was quite squarely under the thumb of his wicked stepmother and two evil stepsisters. They made this poor guy do all the chores and clean the house. They didn't even call him by his real name. Instead, they simply called him Cinder-fella."
Mitsukake, wearing an apron and holding a broom, sighed. "I'm calling my agent."
"The stepmother was quite an unkind person."
Miaka stormed on stage. "RAR! I'M MEAN!" She paused. "Mitsukake, I think you've got the right idea about that…"
Yui smothered laughter at Miaka's role, and continued, "And the stepsisters were very ugly girls."
Miaka snickered. "I'll say."
The two stepsisters walked onto the stage. Neither looked terribly happy or lovely.
After all, Tamahome and Tasuki were both decidedly masculine people.
"Whoever's writin' this is gonna fuckin' die," Tasuki muttered.
"Agreed," Tamahome shot back, his flowered hat falling over one eye.
The author decided that now would be a good time to move to Canada.
"They were very cruel to poor Cinder-fella," Yui went on.
Tamahome and Tasuki began poking Mitsukake. He continued to look bored.
"One day, a messenger came from the palace, announcing that there would be an official ball that evening, and that everyone in the land was invited."
Chiriko stepped out. "Hear ye, hear ye, there's a party tonight! Come dance! B.Y.O.B!" He bowed, and left to go accept his Academy Award for Most Useless Cameo in a Fanfic.
"But," Yui said sadly, "Cinder-fella's stepmother and stepsisters wouldn't let him leave."
"You can't go!" Miaka said! "We won't let you leave!"
"So they went to the party without him."
Miaka was nearly bowled over as Tasuki and Tamahome bolted from the stage.
"Cinder-fella was left alone. He felt very sad. He couldn't go to the party because he didn't have anything to wear," Yui half-sobbed at the hero's tragic plight.
Mitsukake made a concentrated effort to look unhappy. "Oh, woe to me. I can't go to the party tonight because I lack the appropriate threads. This sucks." The audience 'awwwwwed.'
"…I can't believe you just said the word 'threads,'" Yui broke character long enough to make that comment. She looked at the star questioningly.
He looked right back. "It's in the script."
"Oh, okay," she nodded and went on. "But then, someone appeared to help Cinder-fella!"
In a puff of smoke, everyone's favorite mage appeared on stage. "I'm here to save the day, no da!" Chichiri trumpeted proudly, landing in the middle of the stage. He was wearing his usual clothes with a nice sparkly pink tutu over them, and he had a pretty plastic wand in his hand.
"I already know the answer, but I feel compelled to ask anyway," Mituskake spoke. "Who the hell are you, exactly? And why are you in my house?"
"I'm your Fairy Godmother, no da!" Chichiri said.
"Chichiri," Yui whispered, gesturing for him to come closer. He did, and she whispered in his ear for a moment. He pulled away and nodded, and she said, "Okay then!"
The mage skipped back to his spot on the stage and said, "My mistake! I'm here to help you get to the party so you can meet the girl! I'm your Hairy Godfather, no da!"
Mitsukake shook his head. "How can you help me?"
"I'm going to give you the right threads, no da!" Chichiri crowed. "So you can be the most stylin' joe at the big bash tonight, no da!" Half the audience (as well as most of the readers) stared blankly, trying to figure out exactly what had just been said. "And now, I'm going to give you the most fly threads around, no da!" He raised his pretty pink wand and waved it.
In a poof, Cinder-fella's clothes changed, and he was, indeed, clad in the most fly thread around.
Mitsukake looked down at himself in surprise. "Damn, I look good!"
"Now, for those fly threads, you need a hot ride, no da!" Chichiri waved the wand again, and there was a poof offstage. The audience waited.
The healer's jaw dropped. "A convertible?!? Bright red?!? SWEET!"
The audience was suddenly very confused.
Mitsukake looked out at them and shrugged. "The author made me say it."
Everyone nodded, and the doctor ran off the stage.
"He got to the party, and it was already in full swing," Yui narrated. A bunch of Fushigi Yuugi characters ran out and started dancing as 'Who Let the Dogs Out?' started blaring loudly in the background. "When Cinder-fella arrived, he immediately attracted the attention of the entire place. Perhaps because he stood at least six inches taller and five inches wider than everyone else there."
It was true.
"And then…he saw…her. The Princess of the land," Yui intoned dramatically.
The Princess appeared on the stage.
"Unfortunately, due to demon possession, she was a little less than…eye-candy," Yui added.
Demon-Shouka sniffled miserable. "This sucks…" she whimpered. Then she noticed Mitsukake, aka Cinder-fella in the middle of the room, and her face brightened. "Hot damn!" She began chasing the hapless hero all over the room.
"And so the Princess began chasing our hapless hero all over the room!" Yui went on with the narration. "He was more than a little…um, surprised!"
"HELP ME!" Mitsukake yelped, ducking between Soi and Nakago, who were doing the Swim. Demon-Shouka was hot on his heels, hands outstretched to grab at his very stylin' threads.
"But then, the Fairy—er, Hairy Godfather appeared to remedy the situation," Yui went on, as Demon-Shouka continued to chase Mitsukake around the stage. There was a poof, and there was Chichiri, in all his tutu-ed glory, ready to save the day.
"I'm ready to save the day, no da!" he announced proudly. "I bring you magic!"
There was a little puff of smoke, and the problem was, indeed, solved.
Chichiri, the Hairy Godfather, had made a paper bag appear over Demon-Shouka's head. It had two eyeholes, and a third hole cut out for the mouth. It hid her face quite neatly.
Mitsukake blinked, then shrugged. "Eh, it'll work." Everyone stared at him, and he shrugged again. "The author made me say it. It's in the script."
Yui smiled and proclaimed the ending. "And they lived happily and stylishly ever after. The end!"
From under the paper bag came a little voice. "Again…this sucks!"
AN: Whee, another [successful] chapter! YAY! Once I get the cast list for these finalized, they go by really fast. I'm enjoying writing them, too.
Next is going to be Sleeping Beauty—I had two requests for it last time. Feel free to keep making suggestions or requests, and I'll make a list of them. At the end of next chapter, I'll list three, and take a vote. You know the drill—I love feedback! Laters!