THE LETTER

“Spike!” Buffy yelled upon kicking open the door. “Spike!” she shouted again growing more and more impatient by the moment. ‘God what was taking him so long?’ “Spike!” She shouted again. “C’mon hurry up I don’t have time to wait around when I need you to-”

Her eyes stopped searching around the room and rested on a single solitary piece of paper lying on the chair’s armrest. Intrigued she walked over and picked it up. She grew even more curious when she realized that the note, or letter, was addressed to her.

Her eyes soon widened with horror as she sped through the rest of it. Her body shaking in fear she dropped the letter and whispered, “Oh God.” Then she was out of his crypt and running as fast she could, she still had time.

Dearest Buffy,

I know you once made me promise to protect the little bit for all I was worth and I just want to tell you I’ve kept it. You’re here now, back safe and sound, so I’m not too worried about her safety with her big sis being the slayer and all. But I’ve kept that promise for all my life was worth and so I hope I’ve fulfilled that promise in your eyes, for that’s what matters most to me.

She checked her watch as she ran through the gates of the cemetery and stopped, taking a deep breath, thinking out the best way to reach him in time. Without another second’s hesitation she smashed open the driver side window and unlocked the door to the red station wagon. Ripping out the panel underneath the wheel she slowly found the two wires she was looking for. ‘God I don’t know what’s worst: me actually doing this or the fact that I watched him when he showed me how.’ The car finally started and even though Buffy wasn’t good with driving at that point she didn’t care if it was a car or a tank. She needed to get there. She needed to get to him.

I realize that if you’re reading this now then that all that’s left of me would most likely fit in an ashtray, sorry love cruel sense of humor. God how does one go about writing one’s own death? Well I guess you really couldn’t call it that given I’ve been dead for many years now. Dead to a lot of things in fact, too many too list trust me, but I do hope that you’ve finally realized I wasn’t dead to you, to love.

“Dammit!” she yelled at the early morning traffic as she desperately tried to maneuver around all the slower moving cars. She still had yet to even get on the highway and it was already growing lighter in the eastern sky. She now knew that his life was in her hands and there was no way she was going to lose it. Groaning in frustration she had had enough of this and resorted to beeping her horn loudly, running stop signs, red lights, shouting out her window, and keeping the gas pedal to the floor.

It’s odd that I’ve lived for as many years as I have. What’s even odder is that there still isn’t a place for me in this big wide world. I mean I’m not human, haven’t been for hundreds of years I know that, and if I ever forgot that little fact I’d have you lot around to remind me. Nor am I vampire or any real type of demon at all I guess. I mean can you name one soulless evil creature that goes around saving his natural enemy, the slayer, and her friends lives from day to day? Doing so by hunting and killing his own kind instead of hunting humans, a vampire’s natural prey? Your watcher’s right it goes against every bloody law of nature. But hey I was always the rebel.

“Move over dammit! If you’re only going to only do eighty then do it in the right lane!” Buffy was pushing the little station wagon as fast as it could go. She would’ve been amazed that she hadn’t gotten pulled over yet had she not had that one single thought racing through her mind again and again, ‘I gotta get to him, I gotta save him.’

Looking back over the years love I guess I’m trying to remember how in the hell I ever got here, to this point. Before me and Dru rolled into town it was so simple, black and white you know? But even then I still wasn’t exactly your average vamp with me purposely finding slayers to kill and liking human foods and hell I’ll admit it. I still wrote poetry after I was turned, still do in fact, all my work is downstairs in that chest in the right corner should you fancy reading some for a few laughs.

“Finally,” she muttered reaching the exit and whipping the car around as she flew around the turn letting up only a little before flooring it once more. While the sun rose from the east she made her way west towards the ocean knowing exactly where he’d want to be for something like this. He talked about it once after one of their many “sessions.” Looking out of her rearview mirror she kept an eye the ever approaching light from the sky as dawn approached, “Please God don’t let me be too late.”

But yea going from your mortal enemy, to chained in your watchers bloody bathtub, to having to work with you lot killing demons just so I could get my rocks off, and then finally me somehow falling in love with you. So again I ask myself how as well as why? But then the more I think about it does it honestly really matter? Some things just aren’t made to make sense, some things aren’t supposed to be read like a recipe book, and some things I guess that should work simply don’t, even if they make the most perfect sense. But this? I know, it’s wrong, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it shouldn’t have happened but it has.

‘There,’ she sighed thankfully as she pulled the car into the lot. Jumping out she began running down the boardwalk and onto the beach her eyes wide open searching for him begging whatever powers that govern this fucked up world to give her this one chance to at least try to be the person he asked her to be for him. To at least show him that she did need him and that on some level she really did care about him.

And no it doesn’t make sense, and no it’s not like any sodden recipe book I’ve ever read, and it’s not like I asked to feel like this. It’s just that I do Buffy. And as hard as I’ve tried I can’t do a sodden thing about it. So I guess in the end it’s more along the lines of what you feel rather then what you think, even if it’s crazy and doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. But I guess that’s love then, not knowing or thinking, just feeling and going and not caring how ridiculous it all may seem. What a bleedin’ tragedy.

‘There!’ She quickened her pace running towards the dark figure standing amongst the pre-dawn light before the vast ocean. The sun was almost above the horizon and she could feel its fingers of light slowly brushing their way across the cool night sand she ran upon, faster then she’s ever ran before.

So please tell the nibblet, God this is so hard, tell Dawn that I love her. Please try to explain to her that it was nothing she or anyone else did but was rather simply my time, my time to go. Tell her that I’ll look in on both her and you from time to time no matter where I end up. Tell her that nothing means more to me in this world then her and that this is simply how it has to be for a creature like me. That those who linger in the gray need to go and find their own place, even if it’s not in a world with those they love more than life itself. So please, if anything Buffy please, I don’t care if you see me as a monster, creature, soulless, evil, good, soulful, human, vampire or even a bloody dinosaur. Just please luv see me as something that loved and that wanted to be loved, in your eyes see me as.

Forever my love,

Your Spike,

Your William

He turned around and saw her approach, “Bloody hell slayer can’t you see I’m in the middle-”

Before he could blink her fist hit his nose causing him to take a few steps back. His fingers now pinching it in an attempt to stop the bleeding, “Well at least you haven’t forgotten how to greet a fellow.”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing!?”

He wiped the rest of the blood away, “What it looks like! You read the letter; you must have, so you know damn well why I’m doing this!”

“Spike please can we at least just go back to the car, talk about it there, and if you really wanna go through with this you can just open the door and walk right out?”

“Bloody hell slayer has it possibly occurred to you that a bloke like me hasn’t already given this a lot of thought about this beforehand? Or did you figure this was just some spur of the moment type deal?”

“Fine if this is where it has to happen,” she said evenly returning his gaze, “then this is where it has to happen.”

“Right,” Spike smirked, “all Jerry Maguire like yea?” Ignoring the obvious attempt to throw her off track she pressed on.

“I’m not letting you do something like this. Walking out on me like this. That is until I’ve said what I have to say!” Ever so slowly the two of them, unknowingly, started walking towards each other as they shouted and yelled making sure the other knew just how serious they were.

“Well then go ahead why don’t ya! You always did seem to take whatever you wanted from me!”

“Spike,” she said slowly cooling the conversation down knowing they didn’t have much time, he didn’t have much time. “I don’t know what it was that finally broke your camels back into doing something like this but I can already tell you that you are not just some worthless creature.”

He raised an eyebrow, “That a fact?”

“Dawn, my sister, the teenager you keep referring to as nibblet and other food terms? In case you haven’t noticed she’s crazy about you. In fact as much as I hate to admit… yea she loves you.”

He rolled his eyes, “You don’t think I know that? Why do you think this is so bloody difficult for me!? Leave it to the bloody 15 year old to be the only one to shed a tear at my bloody ending.”

“She’s not the only one devastated Spike!” Buffy shot back only now realizing what she had said; too late to take it back. He tilted his head in curiosity and before she knew it she felt his cool hand against her cheek wiping away her tears. It was only then realized how close they were to one another.

His voice was soft and as gentle, like a handful of sand, “I see.” She shook her head; they were now standing but inches from each other.

“Spike,” her voice struggling to it together, “don’t do this.”

He shook his head and looked down at the sand, “But luv-”

She shook her head, “Don’t do this alright? I know how you feel, I know that you care,” that brought his eyes back up to hers; “I believe that you can love.” His eyes widened in disbelief and he could almost feel the blood racing through her veins as her heart was pounding as fast as he’d ever heard it. Closing her eyes and inhaling a deep breath she let out, “I believe that you love me.”

Shaking his head, “No, no – that’s not, that’s not-”

“Spike look at me,” he remained looking the other way. So instead she grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her. “Dawn needs you,” she spoke annunciating clearly. He shook, or rather tried to shake his head in protest but she was having none of it. “I know you think that we’ll be alright without you and that I don’t need you to protect her anymore but I do Spike. I need you to be there for her when there’s nobody else she can turn to.” That caused him to look at her, really look at her, as she took her hands away from his head but instead of just dropping them they found their way into his. “You’re the only real person she can open up to about things that she couldn’t even begin to mention let alone talk to us about. Yea she has other friends but do any of them know about both her personal and sister to the slayer life? The experiences she has gone through and is still going through? No one does. No one but you Spike. She needs you.”

“No, luv she told me-” Buffy furrowed her brow. “She told me about,” she watched him struggle and finally threw his arms up and stepped away taking his hands away from hers. “God I’m such an idiot.”

“Spike,” Buffy whispered closing the distance yet again.

He turned and met her eyes, “I hurt you Buffy, that whole thing with Anya in the shop, I hurt you and that was the last thing I ever wanted.”

She shook her head, “No Spike don’t do this, not now, not when-”

“Buffy Dawn saw it all,” but Buffy didn’t seem all that surprised. Walking a couple feet away from her he turned around searching for her eyes but she averted them. “She saw me and Anya and she saw how hurt you were and she hated me for it, she hates me for it! Don’t you get it!? I can’t do a single, bloody, thing without someone hating me for it! Someone getting hurt because of it!”

“Spike!” she shouted frantically, the sun was almost up. “Look alright yes I was hurt ok?” She felt his cool piercing blue eyes on hers. Lifting her own she met his and instantly knew that it was now or never. “And I wasn’t just hurt because of you hurting Xander like that by doing it with Anya. What really hurt me more to see you turning to her for comfort when you felt you couldn’t have turned to me.” At that Spike snorted and had to look away until he could recompose himself. “Look after all you’ve done to help me I figure I could have at least…”

“What?” he sneered. “Give me a shoulder to cry on? Unlikely.”

Realizing his point she nodded in defeat. “But it still doesn’t change the way I feel! How that now I wish I was there for you when you needed me! Spike before I died you were someone I knew I could count on, someone I could depend on, to take care of Dawn. And when I was gone you did look after her, you were there when I needed you most. And when I came back, when there was no one else I could go to, I you were there for me. So don’t you get it? You’re the only person who could’ve helped me through all that! So believe it or not yes I do need you! On some level, on some plane, in some existence I need you William!”

Spike was silent for a moment and then simply said, “Did you just refer to me as a person?”

She sighed and nodded, “Yes, and a person can love Spike.”

He smiled, “And you? You think that someday somewhere there is maybe a slightest chance or do you think…”

She sighed, “Spike we-”

But he quickly cut her off, “No forget it, forget I even brought that up alright? Dawn needs me you’re right and that’s enough. Where’s the car?”

She sighed and instead of telling she just ran off letting him follow behind. They reached the car just as the sun made its appearance over the horizon. Curling up in the backseat Spike threw his duster over him as they traveled back to Sunnydale, neither one saying a word.

A few days later Spike was in the lower levels of his crypt and was counting the money he would need. Glancing over at the map of Africa he had on the table he knew it would be a long hard trip and an even harder challenge to do. But the reward would be worth it. He stood back trying to remember if he forgot anything. Clem would be stopping by later that night to stay in the crypt, keeping an eye on it, while Spike was away.

Suddenly he heard the door in the upper level of his crypt open and then followed by some footsteps. Turning towards the latter he made it about halfway up before he realized that the person had already come and gone. Still intrigued he climbed to the top to try and figure what the person had been doing. Nothing appeared to be stolen or damaged. In fact everything looked normal until his eyes rested on a folded letter lying on his chair’s armrest.

Already having an idea about whom it was from he walked over, unfolded it, and began to read.

Dear Spike,

I know we haven’t talked or really seen each other since that morning on the beach but there were some things I wanted to have told you or tell you before we had to run. First off I’m glad that you decided to well, not kill yourself, because when I say this it really is true I do need you.

Dawn does too, more so then me probably, even though she really hasn’t been that happy lately whenever your name was mentioned but hey, teenagers’ right? Anyway I keep going back to what you wrote in that letter and what you said that morning. Wow this is kinda hard, writing to you instead of well talking which is what I should probably be doing instead but I don’t want to come off as a blabbering idiot when I try to tell what I mean and I’m even blabbering right now even though I’m not actually talking.

Ok, deep breath, what you said in your letter, about love. You’re right, you are just so right, and it’s pissing me off or maybe amazed that you of all people would be able to describe it so well. Yea definitely pisses me off. But anyway you are right and I guess that’s why my love life isn’t exactly the greatest track record a person could have. But the way you just summed it all up in the letter it made me realize that yea I guess I really was trying to rather think my way through these relationships and to try to make sense of it all. To have that whole normal guy type thing or normal relationship type deal.

I mean just look at it all: Angel and I trying not to believe we still loved each other when he came back from hell. It wasn’t until you showed up looking for that stupid love spell did I ever come out of my happy denial land. I mean you managed to somehow diagnose what was going on in a single glance which was pretty scary since you were like my mortal enemy back then. Then there was Riley and again you saw that he wasn’t going to be enough for me despite the way we tried to make sense of it all and tried to make work and I’m not even going to mention Parker.

But yea you’re right Spike, never thought I’d actually say that, but you are. When I came back the things we talked about, the relationship we had, the things we did… God it still doesn’t make any sense but you’re right. Love isn’t supposed to make sense it’s just supposed to be feelings and emotions and when I was with you it felt kind of right in a way. I didn’t want it to feel right but it did, it did.

So when you ask me if I care for you or where are we going with this and is there any chance I’ll ever love you well… I don’t know. I do know now that I could never have a normal relationship. That and I used to think I had it all figured out, at least an idea on how things would pan out in the future, but now I can honestly say that I don’t have any idea. So as for me and you I don’t know what our future would be like either but I would like to try and find out. And whatever our thing is, if it’s going to be simply a working relationship, or a friendship, or maybe even something more I’m willing to find out if you are willing too.

So please don’t stay a stranger, even though she hasn’t admitted it yet, Dawn already misses you. And as for me well umm err bye.

Your friend,

Buffy

Spike smiled and folded the envelope putting it in his jeans, ‘Definitely don’t want to lose this.’ He found a piece of paper and scribbled a small not for her basically saying he’d be out of town for a while but he’d be back. Checking to make sure he had everything he started towards the door and then stopped. Turning around he took off his duster draped it across the sarcophagus and on top of that he left the note.

Smiling he walked out into the cool refreshing night air. Lighting a cigarette he took a deep drag before letting it out. Pulling out his keys he climbed onto his motorcycle. Gunning it he rode out of the cemetery and out on the road leading him out of Sunnydale. He grinned, ‘Time to see a man about a soul.’

Finished…

Disclaimer: No, I am not Joss Whedon, and I don’t own Buffy or the show’s characters.

Distribution: Hey the more the merrier.

A/N: In case you haven’t noticed I’m a big Buffy/Spike shipper and have found a lot of neat facts through the process supporting my reasons why, here are two.

Last word Buffy every says in the entire series: “Spike” According to Joss Whedon in an interview when asked if Buffy did love the bleached wonder in the end he nodded and told them that yes the slayer had fallen for the vampire.