Forever, Or an Instant

I stared out the window of my apartment, debating whether or not to go to the SGC Christmas party. Sure, I had gifts for my friends all wrapped and ready to go, but I could hand those out tomorrow. I just didn't feel like going anywhere. The dark gray clouds matched my state of mind.

It was my first Christmas without Sara.

The place was so blasted quiet. I think too much when it gets quiet. I suppose that's why I found myself reflecting on my life, revisiting the ghosts of Christmas past.

I began to realize who I was this Christmas present.

Take that last thought, for instance. I never miss a chance to crack a deadpan joke or a stupid pun. It's my way of escaping it all, I guess. Some people do drugs, other read books, I mouth off. I hide behind my attitude so nobody can see that anything's wrong. As a result, nobody really knows what to make of me.

But I'm okay with that. As long as I bury it with laughter, I can't feel the pain so much.

I suppose I'll eventually get over her. You know, life goes on, and all that bull.

I should write a book: How Not to Feel What It's Healthy for You to Feel. 'Cause I'm so blasted good at it. Seriously, though, in hiding from my friends, I've been hiding from myself as well.

But in doing so, I've cut myself off from the world, and I don't know how to get back.

They say no man is an island. I say, watch me.

Oh, I know what you're gonna say. "Don't worry, Jack. You'll get over her. You'll find someone else to love, settle down, maybe even have another child. If Sara doesn't love you, why should you love her?"

Well, guess what. It doesn't work that way. I can't just forget her. So I really don't want to hear it.

The phone rang, startling me out of my thoughts. I sighed in annoyance and snatched it off the hook. "What?" I snarled.

"Merry Christmas to you, too, Jack," Daniel Jackson said dryly. "What's up?"

"Nothing, really," I replied. I couldn't stay mad at Daniel - he was in much the same boat as myself - but I couldn't bring myself to tell him what was really on my mind. "How about you?"

"I was wondering - we were all wondering - if you were coming to the Christmas party. It's just not the same without you picking on us." He paused briefly. "In all seriousness, Jack, we miss you. I know how you're feeling right now, and it'll do you good to get out."

"I'll be right over, Danny-boy," I said. Daniel gave an exasperated sigh as he hung up.

As I cradled the phone and got ready to leave, I found myself humming an old Irish tune from my great-grandparents' hometown in County Derry. I always thought about that little melody when I talked to Daniel.

Author's Note: Props to anyone who can figure out what tune Jack is referring to!