I don’t own Gundam Wing. Damn. That depresses me every time I say that…

Since everyone liked the “Things a drunken Lady Une would do,” I decided to write another one. I’ve actually had sleep now…Yay…

“A day in the life of Lady Une”

By Kat Dickerson

5:55 am: Wake up to the sound of alarm clock

5:56 am: Hit snooze button

6:05 am: Hit snooze on alarm again

6:15 am: Hit snooze AGAIN

6:25 am: Become annoyed and throw alarm clock across room, pull covers over head while not worrying about what the alarm clock actually hit

6:26 am: Hears cell phone going off.

6:27 am: Fumbles for cell phone.

6:28 am: Finds phone. Pretends to listen as Treize goes on and on about whatever it was he had to do that particular day.

8:40 am: FINALLY gets off phone with Treize, then hits shower. Screams out obscenity after obscenity because there is no hot water left after Treize’s bath. ( Why did she agree to take the suite down the hall from him?)

8:45 am: Catch the last few minutes of “How to be a Bitch today,” on television, while brushing teeth and braiding hair

8:55 am: Finish dressing and head to office; flip off four motorists on the way, drive through a mud puddle and soak Lt. Noin as she is trying to cross the street, throw an old McDonald’s bag in Tubarov’s yard while passing by, run three red lights, makes one of the police officers that attempt to write a ticket for the third disregarded red light cry, steals Zechs’ parking space.

9:15 am: Clocks in

9:17 am: Chews Lieutenant Nichol out for reading “Playboy” instead of doing work. Throws “Playboy” into trash.

9:19 am: Receives a dozen roses with a note that reads: “From a secret admirer…”

9:20 am: Blushes and hides note in desk drawer, ponders who the roses could have been from, then screams at Lieutenant Nichol for reading “Hustler,” instead of working. Goes on to rant that it doesn’t matter WHAT the name of the magazine is, no porn is allowed at work. PERIOD. Throws “Hustler” into trash.

9:30 am: Receives call from Tubarov, stating that he KNOWS she was the one who littered his yard. Calmly tells Tubarov to fuck himself, then hangs up the phone.

9:31 am: Calls Treize and tells him Tubarov called, telling her he wanted to “Fuck her.” Smiles smugly as Treize assures her he will “handle it swiftly.”

9:33 am: Takes a nap at desk while pretending to read the newspaper

10:00 am: Wakes up from nap, screams at Nichol again for reading “Penthouse,” hits Nichol on the head with a stapler, then throws “Penthouse” into the trash, along with “Hustler” and “Playboy.”

10:05 am: Zechs comes into office, demanding his parking space be given back to him. Flips him off, then tells him to “Go fuck a sheep.”

10:07 am: Receives call from Treize, saying “it is rude to steal things,” and “Give Zechs his parking space back. I’ll build you a new one.”

10:09 am: Moves car from Zechs’ parking space, steals Noin’s parking space

10:10 am: Comes back to find Zechs reading “Hustler,” “Playboy,” “Penthouse,” from the garbage can. Takes magazines from Zechs and throws them out the window, then smacks him on top of his metal mask with the garbage can.

10:15 am: Rolls eyes as a soaking wet Noin bursts into the office, screaming and shouting, “You bitch! You did that on purpose! I’m going to kick your ass!” Calmly tells Noin it was an accident, to please report to Treize immediately. Noin smiles and leaves.

10:16 am: Calls Treize and tells him Noin hasn’t had her medication today, that she has already begun to threaten people again, that she came in with a gun and threatened to take Une as a hostage, as well as Lieutenant Nichol. Goes on to say that maybe Noin needs the straight jacket again. Treize agrees to wishes, in between asking “And you’re sure you are safe? You’re sure she didn’t hurt you?”

10:17 am: Allows Nichol to have disgusting magazines back in exchange for his silence concerning the Noin situation.

10:25 am: Stands outside office and waves as Noin is carted out wearing a straight jacket while yelling: “There’s the bitch! That’s her! SHE’S the one who needs this jacket! Not me! HER! HER!”

10:30 am: Assures Treize everything is all right after he comes into office, once again making sure that “she didn’t hurt you, did she?”

10:31 am: Laughs to self as Treize angrily jerks nasty magazines from Nichol and tears them into shreds while growling, “This filth is not allowed!”

10:32 am: Laughter disappears while receiving chastisement from Treize for “Allowing such disgusting things to go on.” Bites tongue while Nichol laughs in background.

10:46 am: Treize finally finishes his speech and returns to his office.

10:47 am: Kindly asks Lieutenant Nichol to stand from desk; saying there is a spider web on the ceiling and he is needed to get rid of it.

10:48 am: Punches Lieutenant Nichol in the balls for reading the magazines while Treize was in the room, for getting her into trouble, AND for laughing during Treize’s LONG speech.

10:55 am: Receives another call from an angry Tubarov, with him spouting off, “I know you lied about me to that pathetic Treize Khushrenada, and believe me…I’ll get you for this. My pretty!” Calmly tells Tubarov to “Shut up and wait for a house to fall on him,” then pauses and adds another, “Go fuck yourself.”

11:00 am: Turns on small office television and starts flipping through channels while completing new “project.”

11:05 am: Gets another mysterious bouquet of flowers.

11:07 am: Tries to use science to determine who sent said flowers.

11:08 am: Realizes she has no real scientific tools to complete said task and goes back to current project.

11:09 am: Recieves a call from Treize. Ignores call.

11:10 am: Voicemail icon appears on phone.

11:11am: Deletes voicemail without listening. ( He says the same things over and over. "Battle is beautiful," "I like the Opera," etc. )

11:15 am: Sends a copy of the heavily edited tape of the conversation from Tubarov

which now goes as: “I know you want to fk me, and I’m sure I’ll be better than that pathetic Treize Khushrenada, believe me…”

11:16 am: Gives Nichol a Baby Ruth candy bar as a reward for taking only three minutes to deliver the tape and come back.

11:19 am: Prank calls one of the colonies, saying, “This is Heero Yuy, and I’m going to blow up the colony in half an hour from an unknown location.”

11:20 am: Prank calls Relena, saying, “This is Heero. I changed my mind…I DO love you. Meet me at the movie theater in half an hour.”

11:21 am: Prank calls Heero, saying, “This is Relena. I promise NEVER to bother you again if you’ll meet me at the movie theater in half an hour. I have more information on OZ’s new mobile suits.

11:22 am: Calls Duo and tells him to turn on the television; that something better than Judge Mathis is about to be on, then gets angry, shouting back, “No, I DIDN’T get to see last week's episode of Dexter!" Gets even angrier when Duo explains he lent his taped episodes to Wufei, who smashed them when Dexter and Rita broke up, screaming “INJUSTICE!” Asks Duo if he wants to have another party at Treize’s later on in the week, to which he says, “Hell yeah! I’ll bring Heero’s alcohol collection. He’s got the expensive kind! No more Mad dog 20/20 for me!”

11:26 am: Hangs up phone with Duo, then turns television to CNN. Waits patiently through coverage of the missing intern, then laughs uncontrollably as a special report involving the arrest of a “possible terrorist,” and his “accomplice,” are passed over the screen.

11:28 am: Clears throat and motions for Nichol to be quiet when Treize calls, saying that he “Can’t believe Mr. Yuy and Zechs’ sister would do such an awful thing.” Comforts Treize for a moment, then starts laughing again after hanging phone up.

11:30 am: Gets irritated because there’s no one left to irritate, then decides to have three hundred pizzas delivered to Duke Dermail.

11:31 am: Still irritated from boredom. Sends email viruses to everyone in the Cinq Kingdom, as well as General Septum.

11:32 am: Still bored, even more irritated because there is NOTHING left to do. Flips television to “Lifetime” and becomes absorbed in a movie about a teenage prostitute who survived Ebola, an Anthrax encounter, and the Hantavirus, then grows up to become a Nun who was then elected Governor and was now on Death Row due to an accidental mass murdering of over fifty thousand apartment managers.

11:45 am: Gets upset when Treize walks into office and interrupts movie, saying, “The things you watch, Lady…I just don’t understand it. Nothing like this ever happens in real life…” Gets even angrier when Treize interrupts those crucial five minutes, where EVERYTHING and ANYTHING one needed to know about the plot was told.

11:46 am: Forced to go to lunch with Treize.

12:00 pm: Tricked into attending The Barber of Seville with Treize.

12:03 pm: Gets pinched on arm by Treize for flicking spitballs ( made from the program ) at Duke Dermail.

12:35 pm: Falls asleep.

1:00 pm: Woken up by the sound of a soprano caterwauling.

1:15 pm: Throws rock at soprano.

1:21 pm: Endures scathing looks from Treize intermingled with lectures which always contain the line: "And where in the HELL did you find a ROCK in an opera house?"

2:00 pm: Finally escapes opera.

2:01 pm: Trips Treize on way to car.

3:50 pm: Returns to office, yells at Nichol for letting his pet hamster tinkle on the new Anne Rice and Stephen King books that hadn’t been read yet, then decides to once again try and figure out who sent roses.

3:58 pm: Breaks phone after not being able to find out any information.

4:00 pm: Gets devilish idea, then visits the mental hospital, goes to see Noin and says she had nothing to do with having her committed, that Treize had called Une, saying, “I’m tired of Noin’s idiotic behavior, so I believe I’ll have her committed today. But let’s keep it our little secret, shall we?”

4:01 pm: Agrees to let Noin out AS LONG AS SHE: a) NEVER tells Treize what was said or else he would probably ship Zechs to Nairobi, and b) Helps her find out who sent said roses.

4:10 pm: Returns to office with Noin and "evidence."

6:00 pm: Still no leads.

6:10 pm: Receives phone call from Zechs asking if she recieved any deliveries.

6:11 pm: Tells Zechs to shove his gifts up his ass.

6:15 pm: Kindly tells Noin what Zechs has done, shows cards, then gives Noin permission to go home.

6:20 pm: Calls Treize and tells him that Noin broke out of the mental institution, that she was spreading rumors about his good name, and that she bit Une’s arm.

6:21 pm: Bites arm to create evidence

6:22 pm: Pays Nichol one hundred dollars to keep his mouth shut, then gives him the new Stephen King novel as a bonus.

6:24 pm: Leaves office.

6:45 pm: Empties out trash in car, promptly throwing all of it over into Zechs’ convertible, remarking silently how “stupid he was to leave the top down.”

6:46 pm: Gets idea, goes back into office building, returns with five garbage bags of shredded paper, and dumps them all into Zechs’ car.

6:47 pm: Prank calls Heero Yuy in jail on cel phone while pulling out of parking lot, laughing loudly as he screams, “I’m going to kill you!”

6:48 pm: Calls Treize and calmly states that Heero called her and threatened her life. Grins evilly as Treize vows to “Keep Heero Yuy in the darkened jail FOREVER!”

6:49 pm: Drives by Wufei’s house, cuts wheelies through the grass, which was dampened by the lawn sprinkler. Laughs while zooming off, watching Wufei in the rear view mirror as he runs out screaming, “INJUSTICE! INJUSTICE! I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS, YOU WOMAN!”

6:50 pm: Calls Treize again, whining that Wufei, “Tried to run her off the road for no apparent reason.” Chuckles softly after Treize threatens to “Destroy Wufei with Tallgeese II.”

6:51 pm: Sees Duo at Starbucks, then pulls in for a quick iced Frappucino. Proceeds to tell him all about the day’s antics, then listens as he told of how he: “Put flaming dog poop in a bag on Wufei’s doorstep, Delivered a bag of roaches to Noin while she was in the mental hospital, put sugar in Zechs’ gas tank, called –1-800-PORNSTR and told them his name was Dermail and he wanted to be a stripper with the name of “Grey Streak of Lightning,” and finally let a bunch of cats that had just eaten baked beans loose in Tubarov’s house.”

6:53 pm: Wipes tears from eyes after laughing about what Duo did to Tubarov

6:54 pm: Calls Tubarov’s number on cel phone, then gives phone to Duo, who burps loudly in the phone.

6:55 pm: Listens as Duo calls Zechs and asks, “Hey buddy…I hear you’ve been having car trouble…what’s that? You’re going to…let me see if I get this straight…kick my fucking ass and Colonel Une’s too because we…what? Oh, okay…because we fucking ruined your Mercedes Benz. Oh okay. Glad we got that straight. Okay, fuck you, bye bye.

6:56: Tells Duo to watch and learn, then calls Treize saying, “Tubarov messed up Zechs’ car and now Zechs is blaming it on her and poor little defenseless Duo, who would never do such a thing.”

6:58 pm: Gives Duo a high five, then yells out, “Oh shit! I’m late.” Tells Duo to call later…about the party.

6:59 pm: Hurriedly leaves Starbucks and zooms home, rushing through ten red lights and once again, making the policeman who tried to issue a ticket run home and cry for mommy.

7:01 pm: Wheels into driveway of Treize’s mansion, then bursts through the door, gasping that she “Got stuck in traffic behind a HUGE dump truck.”

7:02 pm: Tries to escape upstairs, but does not succeed. Treize has dinner ready.

7:07 pm: Goes into dining room to eat food Treize has prepared.

7:30 pm: Tells Treize Zechs sent her roses. Is shocked when Treize responds with "What? He sent you roses too! That scheming bastard! I told him to say they were from me! I'll kill the wretch!"

7;31 pm: Treize storms out of house.

9:00 pm: Treize returns with a drunken Zechs. They start serenading Une.

9:05 pm: Decides if she can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em.

5:55 am: Hits snooze button on alarm clock for the first time. Realizes she fell asleep with her uniform still on and has a serious hangover.

9:00 am: Sets out for work, throwing a bag of kitchen trash in Tubarov’s yard on the way, running one or two red lights, laughing at the cops who run and cry whenever they see her car pass by, double parks between Zechs’ AND Noin’s parking spaces and clocks in, General Hospital tapes in hand, to start a completely new day…

The end…well….for now….

Hope everyone finds this enjoyable. And now, I’m off to finish other fics.

Later!
Kat