Gundam Wing is not mine.

“A Day in the Life of Dorothy Catalonia”

by Kat Dickerson

7:00 am: Gets up, turns off alarm clock that has "Today is a good day for a WAR" engraved into it. Pushes off covers with tiny mushroom clouds drawn all over them, puts on atom bomb slippers and heads to the shower.

7:15 am: Finally gets out of shower, blow-dries hair with hairdryer shaped like a machine gun.

7:48 am: After FINALLY getting hair completely dry, plucks eyebrows, but not TOO heavily…

7:49 am: Goes to feed pet pit-bulls named “War, War Junior, War the Third, War the Fourth and Binky;” Binky’s full name actually being “The Black Cloud which surrounds the Earth during a beautiful, glorious and marvelous War.”

7:52 am: Prank Calls Duke Dermail, claiming that she “knows where he lives and WHO he lives with.”

7:54 am: Drives by Dermail’s house to see a disheveled and angry Tubarov trying to sneak out of the driveway.

7:55 am: Honks horn at the unsuspecting Tubarov, then takes pictures as he and Dermail scurry to hide behind the bushes.

7:57 am: Goes to Starbucks for a Frappucino, tries to call Lady Une to come join her, then realizes she is probably still asleep, then hangs up and calls Duo, who doesn’t pick up, but his answering machine does, crooning, “Yo…Big Ass God ‘O Death here…leave a message…Peace…” Hangs up and does not leave message.

8:01 am: Scares a group of Nuns on their way to morning mass.

8:03 am: Still feeling the high from frightening the group of black-habit clad nuns, takes a drive to the local elementary school and proceeds to scare the children as they head into school for morning classes.

8:05 am: Orders a stripper to show up at Wufei’s house in twenty minutes wearing a gorilla suit.

8:06 am: Prank calls Zechs and Noin’s place claiming her name is “Tallulah,” and that she’s looking for Zechs…that he left his underwear at her house.

8:08 am: Drives by Zechs and Noin’s place, taking pictures and laughing loudly while Noin throws all of Zechs’ belongings out of the window.

8:09 am: Videos Zechs running outside, in his Spiderman Underoos, to gather up his clothes, CDs, Videos and other things that Noin is angrily throwing out of the window.

8:10 am: Flips Zechs off as he runs toward car screaming; “You Grover looking Bitch! I’m gonna kick your fucking ass for this!” Slings dirt all over Zechs as car spins down the street.

8:12 am: Goes to army surplus store to see if there are any sales. Purchases twelve bazooka guns, fourteen cases of grenades, one M-16 ( For Lady Une’s birthday ), and a small teddy bear with “WAR KICKS ASS” monogrammed on his tummy.

8:45 am: Calls Lady Une on cel phone and listens as Une tells all about what’s happening on “How to be a Bitch today.” Bitch tip of the day: “Piss a motherfucker near you off today. It will make both YOU and THEM feel better. Well, maybe not THEM, but you sure as hell will laugh your ass off!”

8:48 am: Goes to pet store to inquire about a pet cobra. Leaves in a huff after the store owner says he doesn’t carry cobras because he “is deathly afraid of them.” Slashes Pet Store Owner’s tires.

8:50 am: Prank Calls Wufei, screaming “Hey, big boy…you gonna show me your crouching tiger, hidden dragon, or what?” Holds tape recorder to cel phone as Wufei screams: “INJUSTICE! I WILL KILL THE COWARD THAT FUCKING CALLS ME AT …er…what time is it, Sally? 8:50? Thanks. Love you. Go back to bed, snookums. 8:50 IN THE DAMN MORNING!” Decides to share tape with Lady Une later on.

8:52 am: Prank calls Heero Yuy saying, “Hi, Um… Miracle Flights for Ozzies and I wanted to know if you would like to donate 100,000,000 towards the building of our new super demonic Gundams. What’s that? Blow it out my ass? Well, thank you very much and have a nice day, sir!”

8:54 am: Calls Treize in his office and claims that Heero Yuy called her cellular and threatened to “Destroy OZ, Kill Dorothy, Make a huge Mess on Treize’s floor,” and then, seeing that Treize isn’t angry enough for her taste, said that Heero also added that he would, “Kill Lady Une.”

8:55 am: Laughs as Treize rants and raves about how he will “See to the destruction of Heero Yuy,” then tells Treize that, no she didn’t get his email, but would check her inbox as soon as she got home.

8:56 am: Passes Lady Une being pulled over by a cop for running a red light. Pulls over and videotapes as Une grabs cop between the legs and squeezes, then laughs as cop starts crying like a baby, hobbling back to his car when Une lets go of his privates.

8:57 am: Drives back by Zechs and Noin’s house, honking horn loudly at Zechs, who is still trying to pick his things up out of the yard.

8:58 am: Prank Calls Trowa, then gets angry and hangs up at the silence on Trowa’s end of the phone extension.

9:00 am: Prank Calls Wufei’s house again, saying, “My name Big Dragon Wang. Me look for Chinese Tiny Wang, otherwise known as Chang Wufei. You seen him? You seen Chinese Tiny Wang?” Laughs loudly as Wufei threatens to “tear whoever this is from the inside out.”

9:01 am: Prank calls Duo, screaming, “Dude! There’s naked chicks outside!”

9:02 am: Hurriedly drives by Duo’s house and takes pics as he runs outside in a pair of black bikini underwear to find no beer, then videos him yelling, “Hey! Ditch Witch! Where’s the chicks? You scare ‘em off or something?”

9:03 am: Puts car in park, then yells, “There were NO chicks, you dumbass! It was a joke!”

9:04 am: Almost barfs when Duo yells back: “Oh. That sucks. Hey, wanna screw? I’m Randy, baby, YEAH!”

9:05 am: Slams on gas pedal and flees from Duo, who is standing in the middle of the street yelling: “Hey! We could use your brows as a toy! They’re big enough, don’t you think?”

9:06 am: Goes to the mall and demands they open early in order to purchase an entirely new wardrobe.

2:50 pm: Finishes shopping at the mall, has over a thousand parcels delivered to house.

3:00 pm: Calls Duo back and plays tape of Wufei screaming for him, offering to sell it for 1000.

3:15 pm: Meets Duo at Waffle House to collect the money and to drop off the tape.

3:25 pm: Pays someone a million dollars to put the pictures of Zechs picking up his belongings scattered over the front yard in his underwear on over fifty billboards in town to use for a Viagra ad with a slogan that reads: “Don’t let erectile dysfunction ruin your marriage!”

3:26 pm: Sells pictures of Tubarov leaving Dermail’s house to the Enquirer.

3:45 pm: Goes home to check on pet dogs. Becomes pleased to learn that War and War Junior ate the neighbor’s cats while Binky ate the neighbor.

3:55 pm: Goes to Co-Op and buys hydrochloric acid.

4:00 pm: Writes “SHEN AIN’T SO LONG” in Wufei’s front yard.

4:30 pm: Decides the day has been long enough, goes home and gets comfortable; decides to have a documentary marathon, which includes the videos “Nuclear bombs and you,” “War…not just for men,” “My funny Valentine: The tale of an assassin’s assignment gone terribly wrong,” “The sound of Machine Guns,” “Gundam Wars,” and “Anne of Green Gundams.”

7:55 pm: Pauses Marathon to prank call Wufei once more time.

10:00 pm: Ends marathon, feeds dogs, and goes to bed, deciding to send Dermail a package of porcupines the following morning…