Chapter 55

‘A promise made is a debt unpaid.’

- Robert W. Service

Touching his hand to the cold stone wall, he watched as the two serpents carved into the stone unwound themselves from each other and moved out of the way, forming a doorway which shimmered open.

For the first time since he was ten years old, he stepped into his own common room. He immediately gaped at it, never having seen a room in such a disgusting state.

His elf let out a low whistle beside him and mumbled a ‘Grindelwald’ at the mess and even Severus lifted an eyebrow. Even Evans’ dorm room had been cleaner than this. Plates of rotting food lay everywhere amid piles of clothes, parchment and general bits of garbage which covered every couch, chair and bit of the floor. The fireplace was even stuffed full of garbage and obviously hadn’t been used in a while.

Before he had time to contemplate the mess any further, he smelt cigarette smoke and glanced through the dimness at a young girl sitting sprawled out in a chair in the corner, a cigarette dangling from her fingers and a scowl on her face.

“Who the fuck are you?”

Severus raised an eyebrow. “Your head of house. Who the hell are you?”

She raised an eyebrow back at him and looked him up and down. “What about Bodin?”

“I sent him packing about twenty years too late.”

The other eyebrow rose and she contemplated that for a moment before slumping back down and taking a drag of her cigarette.

“You’re too young to be a head.”

“You’re too young to be smoking.” The girl’s attitude was starting to irritate him but he wasn’t going to take any of her garbage. He had a headache and he wanted drugs and he had to somehow clean the entire common room before the fourth.

“Fuck you!”

He raised an eyebrow at her and stared at her. It appeared that Albus hadn’t been joking. He squinted at her.

“How old are you?”

“How is that any of your business?”

He raised his other eyebrow. This was getting tedious. He had no idea how to handle the situation or what Albus would do in this situation. Why the hell did he take this job anyway? He had no idea how to handle adolescents. He hadn’t even handled his own adolescence brilliantly, never mind someone else’s.

After staring at her for a moment, he decided that Albus would probably smile kindly at her, offer her a lemon drop and ask her how she was feeling.

He guessed that she would probably throw the candy back at him and he really wasn’t interested in wasting his time trying to be nice. He was a Slytherin after all, he knew how she thought. She was testing him, trying to see how he would respond and if he started snivelling, she would pounce on the weakness and exploit it from this day forward. Fine then. He’d just pounce before she could.

Flicking his hand at her—and moments later berating himself for having used wandless magic—he Vanished her cigarette and threw her legs off the chair and yanked her up to her feet.

“Hey!”

“First of all, smoking in the common room is from now on forbidden. There is barely any air circulation down here and everybody will have coughed up both their lungs by the time they’re fifteen if it keeps up.”

She glared and opened her mouth to retort an answer, but he cut her off. He had an advantage and he wasn’t going to lose it. Just keep talking and don’t let her get the upper hand. He desperately hoped that this would go where he thought it would. Why the hell did he take this job anyway?

“Second of all, I’m your head of house which means you’ll stand up and look at me when I’m talking to you. You don’t see me slumping on a couch. I expect the same of you.”

“Fuck you!”

He waved his hand again—damn it! Where the hell was his wand?—and raised an eyebrow at her.

She smirked at him, obviously thinking his non-verbal wandless spell had malfunctioned and opened her mouth to say something else, only to find that no sound came out of her mouth. Her eyes widened and she started silently screaming at him, stomping her feet and throwing a general fuss.

Great. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Remove the spell? No, then she would think she’d won. Keep the spell on her? Alright, that sounded good. What if her fit got any worse? Well, he could duck anything she threw at him and he was sure she couldn’t do non-verbal magic yet. He kept his face blank. Yes, let’s just stick to that assumption and pray that it works. If she did throw anything at him, he was sure he could stop it. He had spent the past four years duelling wizards twice his age, power and experience. He could handle a young girl. Sure he could.

She finally calmed down when she saw that her tantrum was having no effect on him. She crossed her arms and glared at him.

He waited, praying that she wouldn’t start up again. “If I remove the spell, I expect you to keep your language clean. There is a time and place to sound like you swallowed a mouth full of sewage and this is not it.”

She glared mutinously at him and promptly gave him the finger and then turned and stomped up the stairs.

Severus watched her go. Hearing her slam the door to her dorm room a moment later, he glanced down at his elf.

“What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

“Let her go. She get tired of not having voice soon enough, then she come find you.”

“Elf, I can’t do this.”

“Young master just doing it.”

Severus stared down at him. “Elf, I hexed a student three times already and made her storm off in a tantrum and term hasn’t even started yet.”

Gorgon shrugged. “Gorgy thinking it was good.”

“Good! Were you not watching?”

“Gorgy watching. And Gorgy liking what he seeing.”

“Elf, we have got to get your hearing and vision checked. Seriously.”

“Vision fine. Just bit blurry. Anyway, young master listen. Girl not respect young master, that fine. She not respect anybody. But she also not control young master. She push and young master push right back. That is start. She not respect or like young master, but she know that young master is equal opponent now.”

“I’m not supposed to be her opponent, elf, I’m supposed to be her head of house.”

“These teenagers, young master. Young master like this too. Young master push headmaster to see how far he going and then when he seeing that headmaster equal opponent, he stop pushing and start respecting.”

Severus sighed and stared down at him. “You really believe that?”

“Gorgy seen many teenagers in many years. This the only way to handle strong willed, disrespectful teenagers. We fought battle and now we wait to see if she come back to do more battle or if she agrees to truce.”

“This is the way it’s going to be all the time, isn’t it?”

Gorgon shrugged. “We fought one war, now we fighting another one. Raising teenagers is constant war. We carefully picking battles and we carefully picking weapons and we use good tactics and we get through with all alive and good.”

Severus wearily rubbed his temples, feeling his headache throbbing even more. “Face it elf, we have no idea what we’re doing.”

Gorgon shrugged. “That keeping life interesting.”

XXXXXX

Digging out another pile of garbage from behind the couch, he raised an eyebrow as he heard a disgruntled squeak and spied a rat scurrying underneath the couch.

“Elf, we’ve got another one.”

Gorgon stepped over the piles of garbage and hurried to the other end of the couch. Both of them looked at each other and counted to three. Gorgon quickly levitated the couch and Severus used his wand to stun the rat and toss it onto the pile by the door.

“Why we not just kill rats?”

“Because I don’t need the headmaster or the ministry detecting me using the killing curse, and using anything else on them destroys some of their internal organs.”

His elf wiped the sweat off his brow and frowned, before comprehension dawned.

“We using as potion ingredients.”

“Obviously. I took a look at the potion stores and they’re abysmal. We’re going to have to buy half a million things and the less we have to spend money on, the better..”

His voice trailed off as he stared at the carpet below the couch. It was covered with stains and dust, but that wasn’t what had attracted his attention. A small piece of the carpet was clean and almost sparkling.

“Elf, take a look at the carpet.”

“What?” Gorgon glanced at it and his eyes froze when he saw it. They both stepped closer, wands out and studied the small square of clean carpet.

“Funny how dirt decided not to attach to this piece of the carpet.”

“Must be very special piece of carpet.”

“Exactly.”

Casting a few diagnostic charms on it, he discovered that there was only a very shoddy, weak shielding charm on it, which he obliterated with a wave of his wand. Then he touched the tip of his wand to the piece of carpet, and immediately, the edges of it flared back and the carpet piece curled upwards, exposing a small hole in the ground.

Glancing into it, he immediately saw small, clear bags. Taking them out one by one, he tossed them onto the floor beside the hole, his face darkening as he pulled out more and more.

Gorgon studied the small baggies. “Lots of cocaine, some meth, looks like some crystals too and some heroin.” Gorgon picked up one of the bags and shook it, squinting at it. “Very bad quality heroin.”

Having reached the last of the bags, Severus bend even more down and grubbed around for what he knew had to be here too.

Finally, his fingers felt them and he pulled out three crack pipes and a rusty old muggle syringe.

Holding the needle between his fingertips, he immediately Vanished it. “I can’t believe anybody would be stupid enough to use that contraption on themselves.”

His elf frowned. “Doing it wizard way is difficult for muggle borns who not used to it.”

Needle use among wizards was very rare. Severus had never used any liquid forms of drugs, despising the amount of work that went into the preparation. Just like the muggle way, the heroin or meth had to be heated until it melted. Instead of loading it into a syringe, a wizard measured out certain amounts of it and lifted streams of the liquid with his wand and then draped it over a vein, whispering the necessary incantation for the liquid to absorb directly through the skin into the bloodstream. The process did leave faint burning marks on the skin, but nothing as drastic as the needle piercings left behind by muggle syringes. Bella hadn’t been too fond of the process either but Severus had watched and heard of enough Death Eaters who preferred absorbing to smoking or snorting.

Staring at the piles of drugs, his head throbbed and he realized he was staring at the sparkling green crystals. His hands shook and he couldn’t tear his eyes off them. All he had to do was grab them. Nobody would know he had taken it. Nobody would even know if he had done any. He would just do a tiny pinch. Tiny. So tiny that he would be sober again in half an hour. So tiny that maybe even the drug test wouldn’t detect it.

Yes, that was what he’d do.

He casually moved closer to the pile and started sorting through it, his fingers trembling as they drifted amongst the small bags of white, yellowish and green powder.

They were so close. So very close. He could see the dim light of the dungeon reflecting on the small crystals, making them shimmer seductively. His headache was gone and replacing was a humming noise, the Banshees uring him to take it. Just take it. One pinch wouldn’t kill him. One pinch wouldn’t throw him off the path of sobriety.

His fingers shook harder as they neared the small bag.

Suddenly, the bag was yanked out from beneath his finger tips. He felt his stomach lurch at the sudden loss and rage seized hold of him.

Spinning around, he glared at his elf, who was tightly holding onto the tiny bag and was backing away from him.

“Give it back, elf!”

“Gorgy not thinking that good idea.”

“Give it back, I was just looking at it!” He snarled, his hand itching for his wand. He was stronger and faster than his elf. He could get it back. The humming in his head increased and he didn’t even realize how badly his hands were shaking or the fact that he was sweating despite the chills running down his back.

His elf closed his fist over the bag and Severus knew in a split second what he was doing.

“No!” He leapt at him, knocking him over and clawing for his hand. His elf didn’t fight him and allowed him to pry open his hand, only to find nothing in it.

The rage grew and he glared down at his elf, breathing hard. If he killed his elf, maybe his crystals would come back. Yes, that was what he’d do.

As he curled his hands into claws, he suddenly felt himself being thrown off his elf and flying across the room.

He slammed into the wall and slid onto the floor.

He lay there, breathing hard and feeling his rage seeping out of him. He took a deep breath and glanced up, seeing Nadia sitting on the chair before him, dangling her legs and smiling at him.

He felt tears welling up in his eyes and curled up on the floor, not wanting to cry. He had nearly done it again. Damn it, he had nearly done it again.

He felt small hands on him and felt someone pulling him into their arms.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Gorgon.” He whispered, sobs racking through him.

“It alright. Gorgy knew it not good idea to be so close to crystals. Gorgy should be acting sooner.”

“Elf, don’t you dare blame yourself for this. It’s my fault. My damn fault.”

Gorgon lifted Severus’ head and wiped the tears off his cheeks. “Gorgy know it hard. Young master knows too. We always knowing that it goes one day at a time and some days harder than others. Yesterday was good, today not so good and who knows what tomorrow being? For now, we survived and young master still sober and we all alright. That all that matters.”

Severus slowly nodded, still feeling ashamed at his own weakness. He had nearly let the Banshees win. In one second, he had been willing to throw everything he had worked so hard for away, just for one tiny pinch.

He glanced over his elf’s shoulder and saw Nadia sitting there. I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry. I’m really trying, you know that, he thought.

She just smiled.

His eyes drifted away from her and to Matthew and Braden Caughly, who were staring at the small bags of drugs still sitting amidst the piles of garbage.

He quickly struggled to his feet. “Get the hell away from that!” he hissed at the two of them.

They slowly turned and blinked at him, smiled faintly and moved a bit away from the pile.

His elf frowned. “Who young master talking to?”

“Never mind, elf. Let’s just get this junk out of the castle. I don’t want to see any drugs in here ever again.”

“There probably lots more hiding around common room.”

“You think they only hid the junk in the common room? We’re going to have to search every nook and cranny in the entire castle, elf. I’m serious. We’re going to find every single hiding place that a junkie might use and we’re going to get all of it out of the castle.”

Dec. 29th, 1981

Hogwarts School

Clutching the small bundle of wild flowers, he slowly glanced around the darkening street, glad that nobody was around at this time of day. It was barely past eight in the evening. Severus had wanted to come later, but then had remembered his curfew. Deciding that breaking his probation restrictions after only a few weeks wouldn’t be the wisest course of action, he had decided to come around eight so he would have plenty of time to get back to Hogwarts before nine.

He passed through the creaky gates of the cemetary and started walking up the small pathway which wound amid the tombstones, his boots crunching in the snow.

He squinted at the engravings on the stones, glad that his vision was good enough to allow him to see even the furthest stone from the path.

It wasn’t long until he found the two small graves, lying side by side.

He ignored the second grave, not caring about its presence at all. He only looked at the first one, staring at the small words.

Lily Evans Potter

April 4th, 1960 – October 31st, 1981

Beloved mother, wife and friend.

Severus snorted, at once despising the phrase meant to sum up her life. It was a generic bunch of words which could have applied to anybody buried in the cemetary. None of those words conveyed what she had truly been.

“Well, I absolutely hate what’s written on there. I think you should know that right away.” He whispered, staring down at the tombstone.

He could almost feel her standing beside him, snorting too and laughing.

Well, they had to think of something, didn’t they?

“Yeah. And saying that you were an annoying, loud red-headed terror doesn’t sound very poetic.”

He could hear her laughter.

He found himself overwhelmed with her presence, feeling her all around him and suddenly, he felt as if she was standing right beside him.

“I’m sorry for not coming sooner. There were some complications after you ended the war for us.”

I did end the war for you all, didn’t I? See? I told you I’d finish that bastard and you thought I was just being a Gryff.

“If you think for a second that I believe that you planned it all you’re more delusional than I thought.”

Look who’s talking. You’re the one talking to a voice in your head, git.

“Would you shut up? I have a million things to say and do and I can’t get it all done or remember it all if you’re jabbering.”

I never jabber. All of my words are syllables of beauty.

“Anyway. I was in Azkaban for a while.”

That must have been fun.

“It was.”

Good view?

“Splendid. The headmaster got me out.”

That’s a surprise.

“I hated him for it. I wanted to die in there. I don’t want to do this without you.”

Sev, don’t hate me for what I did. I did what I had to do. Besides, one of us has to stick around and keep things organized.

He took a shaky breath. He knew he was close to tears but he still had so much to tell her. “Anyway, after I got out, the headmaster gave me a job.”

Really?

“He made me head of Slytherin and potions professor.”

Well, if that isn’t a sign that the world is ending, I don’t know what is.

“Bite me, Gryff. It’s not like I wanted the job, but nobody else does either. Everybody hates Slytherin house and every person who used to be or is currently in it.”

Well, the headmaster does know what he’s doing.

“Oh, really?”

I know you’ll do great, Sev. You know how they think and you always figure things out.

“Oh and you know that, do you?”

Yeah, I do. You won’t mess this up. It won’t be easy, but you won’t mess up.

“Term starts in six days and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

You’ll figure it out. You’ve only ever stumbled into one situation without thinking and preparing and you learned from that, didn’t you?

“You could say that.”

See? You’ll do fine.

“I brought you something.” He reached into his pocket and withdrew the small silver necklace, the lion dangling from it, its ruby eyes glowing in the darkness.

“I brought you back your bloody insurance.”

Don’t be mad at me.

“I’m not. I just—” He bit his lip. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at what happened.”

You can keep it, Sev.

“I told you when I gave it to you that it would look ridiculous on me. Besides, red is a Gryff color.”

Kneeling down, he dug a small hole into the dirt by the tombstone. Wiping his hands, he took the necklace and gently let it drop into the hole. Covering it with dirt, he nearly wept seeing the dirt covering it. Smoothing the dirt, he stood back up.

“You said you’d take it back one day. I guess this isn’t what you meant, but it does belong to you.”

He stared at the grave, wishing there was a way to walk away from it with her beside him. He couldn’t imagine going back to Hogwarts without her, never mind living the rest of his life without her.

He swallowed a sob and felt tears streaming down his face.

“I miss you so much. I miss talking to you. I miss arguing with you. I miss having you saying stupid things and making me laugh. I just miss you.”

I know. I’m sorry I can’t be there anymore.

“A lot of good you being sorry does me. It didn’t make you drink hot chocolate with me in the kitchen at midnight or wake me up on christmas day to open presents.”

I’m sorry, Sev.

He sighed, wiping tears off his cheek. “I’m sorry too. I’m scared, Evans and I need you to be here right now.”

Sev, you’ll do fine. Just keep your chin up and use your head.

He tightened his hands around the small bundle of wildflowers, only now remembering that he had them.

“I brought you something else too. I picked them on the edge of the Forbidden Forest the other day. I had a hell of a time finding some in the dead of winter, but I figured they were appropriate.”

He gently laid them at the base of the tombstone.

No expensive roses, huh? I should be insulted.

He snorted. “Roses are for Narcissa Malfoy. I thought you’d appreciate these more.”

I do. Thank you.

He had spent hours grubbing around in the forest, finally having to ask Hagrid for help. He hadn’t asked him any questions, just showed him some small wildflowers which still grew despite the cold, damp weather and snow which covered the ground.

He had pulled them out of the ground, realizing he felt a hint of respect for the tough little flowers. It was strange really. People prized beautiful, bright, frail flowers and never regarded the smaller, tough wildflowers.

They were odd little things really. Tough enough to last through the hottest summers and the coldest winters. Beautifully bright colored—brilliant red, blue, yellow and purple amid the white snow and dark bark of the trees, who couldn’t hold onto their own colorful leaves in such weather. They looked so out of place, but instead of fading away and disappearing into the ground, they stood proudly amid the snow and rain puddles, proud of being different and tough.

Just like Evans.

He arranged the little flowers, careful to brush the dirt from their petals. He knew that they would fight to stay alive as long as they could, just like the person on whose grave they lay.

He traced the letters on the tombstone, tears running down his face. “I miss you so much, Evans. You can’t imagine how many times I thought about the war ending and getting to spend more time with you. Xira was looking forward to running around with Elixa and you and we could have gone to eat ice cream and spend the whole day lazing around.”

I wish I were there, Sev.

“Me too, Evans. Me too.”

He brushed some snow and dirt off the top of the tombstone and then grimaced when more snowflakes landed on it. It had started snowing at some point but he hadn’t noticed.

Glancing around himself, he made sure he was alone and then carefully cast a few charms on the tombstone, ensuring that the snow and rain which would pelt it over the decades stretching before him wouldn’t erode its surface. He didn’t cast a charm to keep weeds from growing on the grave, knowing that she would like having wildflowers and grasses growing over the dirt.

“Don’t tell anyone about the charms.”

Darn, I was just about to run off and tell the ministry.

He took a shaky breath, willing himself not to cry. “I have to go back to school. I have a hundred things I still have to do before school starts. I’ll be back soon.”

You better.

“I will, I promise.”

Pressing his fingers to his lips, he kissed them and pressed his fingers to the cold stone.

“I’ll see you later.”

Keep that chin up, Sev.

He smiled. “I’ll try.”

Standing up, he took a step back and then turned and walked back down the path.

XXXXXX

‘If I die before you do, I’ll go to heaven and wait for you.

I’ll give the angels back their wings and risk the loss of everything,

Just to prove that my friendship is true, and I have a friend just like you.’

- Anonymous

‘Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that flow, I am the sunlight on my own grave. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I’m not there, I did not die.’

- ‘Prayer’ by Lizzie West

End of Part II: Path of Shaded Light

(continued in Part III: Path of Twinkling Dusk)