Damaged

By Soyokaze

The Vice Foreign Minister sprang to a sitting position in her bed. She could not sleep. This room was too alien to her. But where was she?

Oh. Yes. Her azure eyes fell on a large portrait of the Colony Ambassador. A gruff- looking man with a stern mouth, not frowning, not smiling, and strange green eyes that looked hollow, but that was probably just an effect of the painter. Though she had met him, and knew him to be a formidably amiable, but still quiet, man, sleeping became difficult under such grim supervision. Or perhaps it was the strange smell of the room, so reminiscent of an overly-clean hospital, and yet, with some imagination, eerily welcoming. Or it could be the crisp elegance of the disgustingly floral bedclothes on the unequivocally imperial bed she was attempting to rest in.

She had so wanted to dream tonight.

Dreaming comes so easily

Cause it’s all that I’ve known

Dreams were the only way Relena could see him. Heero had all but disappeared from the tangible world (she had yet to determine if dreams could be accounted for as tangible), but he still gave her advice in her subconscious mind. Of course, she realized it was really only herself talking to herself, as a manifestation of someone she trusted. But still the longing was there, the wish she could really see him. Relena knew she loved him, even though she had been young and moderately naive, and was adamant about that more than anything else. She knew he loved her back. At least, she was pretty sure.

True love is a fairy tale

She stood up. There was to be no getting sleep for her tonight.

It was dry and warm in the room, and it made her uncomfortable. She walked over to the window and heaved it open, the heavy, ornate brass framings and fittings straining her muscles. As she finally urged the pane to a screeching stop, hoping no one else had awoken at the horrible noise, a breeze of cool, crisp air flooded the room with no hesitation. It felt wonderful on her sweat- moistened face, and mirrored her present mood. The weather outside seemed much more appropriate.

I’m damaged, how would I know

She thought to herself, I really should be getting sleep, I have a speech to do tomorrow. But, somehow, she knew any slumber would be terribly disconcerting without dreams. She would rather stay up, tire herself out, so then at least she would be aware of her exhaustion. If she slept, she would keep trying to convince herself that she did sleep, so she was not tired, no matter how she felt. So she sat down at the window seat, and stared out at the beautiful view her room provided. A great oak tree swayed under the icy breeze just inches from her window, which overlooked the courtyard and gardens, including a brilliant lake that glittered in the twilight, framed by luscious green trees. The whole scene was turned silvery under the moon, and was breathtaking.

I am scared and I am alone

I am shamed and I need for you to know

I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say

And you can’t take back what was taken away

Cause I feel you

I feel you near me

What in the world was she doing up so early? thought a figure in the shadows of that great oak. Or maybe I should say late...

Ever since the war he had watched over her, using the excuse he existed to preserve peace, and she was the incarnation of peace. In his eyes, anyway.

He had spent hours weaving in and out of the trees around the estate, gazing discreetly into the window of each room, just long enough to confirm that she was not staying in said room. When he finally found her, he passed the time watching her sleep, in a sort of daze. He protected her, like a guardian angel of sorts, and often found himself simply staring at her, revelling in her. He was very displeased with himself in these scenarios, and though he had long suspected he was indeed in love with the woman, the soldier in him reminded him often that publicly expressing such feelings would be too awkward, hypocritical, even. They would be looked upon with cynical and disapproving public opinion, and bad publicity of that nature could harm the political facade Relena had worked so hard to build.

But he still wished he could at least tell her.

I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say

And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away

Cause I feel you

I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully

And it chills to the bone

The Vice Foreign Minister, for the first time in years disgusted with her title, sat down upon the window sill and swung her legs out into the night. It felt luxuriously ominous, hovering over two stories of air, and ever so precariously perched. The cool breeze whispered in her hair, reminding her of how stuffy it had been in that stiffly elegant room. Relena craved so badly to leave it, if only for a minute, to be alone.

She looked out onto her window’s stunning view once again, the large oak in front of her casting a picturesque frame on the edges of her field of vision. The gardens, and the lake beyond...

Her attention turned to the intricate structure of the oak. It seemed as if the great plant had been pruned by Mother Nature herself. And the thick branches looked as if they could hold a person of her weight.

She slung her hand out over the nearest one.

Will anyone get close to me

I’m damaged as I’m sure you know

What the hell-? What in the world is she thinking?

Heero, as perceptive as he was, could be puzzled by the smallest things. Though Relena Darlian, swinging from her windowsill and up onto a tree limb, albeit slightly clumsily, was by no stretch of the imagination a small thing. Relena’s face was peaceful as she performed the feat of acrobatics, but she clutched the thick branch tightly as it swayed with her weight. It stilled, and she let go after a few moments assuring herself. Slowly, she crept down to a lower one, and he saw she meant not to stay in it, but to go downwards, to the ground. He was just below and next to her, having leapt from the trees when her position moved her close enough for his recognition. Heero hid himself behind a tree trunk, in the shadowed side of the building.

There’s mending for my soul

An ending to this fear

Her bare feet touched the soft grass, and a smile came to her lips as it tickled her toes. Cold dew wet her lower legs as she walked towards the lake, gown fluttering in the breeze. Heero thought she looked like an apparition. It was mesmerizing.

Hoping her intent was not to drown herself or something of that nature, he followed her to the shore’s edge, carefully staying stealthy and noiseless, where he watched her keep walking, in fascination. Relena walked out into the water until the hem of her nightgown adhered to her knees damply. Then, she hesitated. The courtyard around the building was absolutely breathtaking, Heero had to admit. He normally took no notice of such trivial things, but the flawless brilliance of this place- he could not escape it. And in the middle of the radiance, Relena stood, like a spectre, fluttering above the water.

He walked out from his hiding place, abruptly wishing to be seen.

Forgiveness for a man who was stronger

I was just a little girl, but I can’t go back

She felt like she should be crying. She really did. Relena felt that it was only natural for a human such as herself to sob in agony, under the circumstances. This had not been what she wanted. She had been thrown into a life that, while making her feel dignified and important, and made her realize the good she was doing in the world was not anything like her girlhood dreams of homespun splendor, with a real family, children, a loving husband- she knew that all of those things were out of her reach now. She could never go back, but felt no need to move forward, either.

So she stood, lukewarm silver lapping at her knees, and hugged herself as a shiver suddenly ran down her spine. It had not been what she wanted, perhaps, but she could not imagine her world in any other way. She had never been a teenager, she had gone straight from being a little girl with no understanding of the world to a politician trying to guide it. Relena felt that she had been born too late, that the world had been unable to wait for her to have an adolescence. In addition, she felt no bitterness towards it, as she logically should have.

It was getting too cold for her now. These few moments of complete freedom, no one knowing where she was, no one caring, were enough to keep her sanity for another day. Or maybe she’d been insane to begin with. The Vice Foreign Minister spun, the water stirring with her movements and wrapping around her legs, and headed back to the shore. Morning fog was rising. It looked like a dream.

I am scared and I am alone

I am shamed and I need for you to know

There was a figure waiting for her at the shore.

Relena inadvertently gasped, her arms still wrapped tightly around her bare shoulders. Heero’s tall, lanky form stood below a tree a few feet from her. His eyes stood out eerily against the fog, and they bored into her with their prussian sharpness. She did not know whether to move forward or stay where she was, or whether he was even real, and before she could answer the question herself, he moved. Heero, who was quite real, walked out into the lake with her, until he was standing just in front of her. The hems of his denim shorts were soaked with the water.

Slowly, cautiously, Heero reached out a slender hand to touch her face, very gently.

I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say

And you can’t take back what was taken away

Relena stopped shivering. She had not realized that shivers had been wracking her body, but when his hand warmed her cheek, she felt them fade away. She had not met with any human warmth for months, besides the typical administrative handshake or stiff embrace. Any contact with her friends was through monitors and speakers. She felt limp, even though her legs were holding her up; she felt as if she were melting.

Her eyes held none of the dreaminess they had previously regarded him with. Emotion crept into them, slowly, but it was sincere, authentic.

“Heero.”

Cause I feel you

I feel you near me

“Yes,” came the soft answer, as his hand moved to her shoulder. Her hands fell to her sides as she felt no further need to warm herself with them. For several moments, they looked at each other, the early morning fog clouding the area until they could no longer see more than a few feet around them. It gave the illusion that all was water, that they were standing in the center of a great sea, and furthered their suspicion that not one living thing inhabited the earth but themselves.

“Heero,” she repeated, reaching her slim fingers up to curl around his wrist. After a moment, she added, “Tell me this isn’t a dream.” Their eyes were locked together, like two pieces of a child’s puzzle. She demanded an answer of him, and he found one, though unsatisfactory to the both of them.

“It is.”

I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say

Relena knew what he would say, and as the words escaped his mouth, deep and calm, she wondered why she had felt a need to say such a thing to him. Both of them despised the response.

And that human need to cry broke softly free.

And you can’t take back what was taken away

“Don’t,” Heero told her, quickly wiping away the few short tears that slid down her cheeks. Relena laughed, gently and bitterly, at her stupidity.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured. Heero’s fingers slid down her arm and took her hand, urging her towards the shore. Relena could not help but wonder, what shore? The fog had closed in around them, and she found she would rather have stayed right there than return to her position and responsibilities. But she let herself be led.

They sat under the same tree Heero had mysteriously appeared under, and leaned on each other as they watched the sun rise, knowing that in the morning, Relena would have to return to her work of giving speeches, fake smiles, and trying desperately to lead the people to perfect peace, and Heero would keep on protecting her, giving her silent support in a world where many seemed determined to break her spirit. A wall of melancholy surrounded them, held them in their own private dream, and, somehow, kept them from running away from everything. But just barely.

Cause I feel you

Relena woke up in her own bed, sheets moist with lake water from her nightgown. Warmth lingered on her cheekbone as she sat up, blinking a couple of hours of sleep from her eyes. A crisp, clean suit awaited her on the desk chair, and Heero was no where to be seen. With a minute sigh, Relena pushed herself to her feet, pleased with the exhaustion she felt. New sunshine spilled in the window.

She traced a fingertip over the embroidered collar of the suit, thinking over the hazy events of the last night. She remembered everything until the shades of golden- amber morning faded into black. Heero had been there. A smile crossed her face.

She walked over to the window and closed the rich brocaded curtains hesitantly. The Vice Foreign Minister turned, coincidentally seeing her reflection in the mirror across the room. Her hair was disheveled, the shorter locks in front blending with the longer majority, nightgown wrinkled and wet, smudged with dirt, but her eyes, normally so shadowed in the mornings, were bright.

Relena shed her night clothes, picked up her suit, and began to think over her speech as she dressed.

I feel you near me