Living Inside the Heart

By Soyokaze

Subaru had been staring in the mirror for quite some time. Perhaps he was hoping it would swallow the image of himself staring back at him. He certainly was not admiring the beautiful face he had been blessed with. It had been nothing but a curse for him.

The fact he could only see half of what he used to had nothing to do with it.

One eye staring intently back at him was still the deep emerald color it always had been, but his right one was a cloudy, vacant gray color. He found he didn't mind it much. Once he had a short while to become accustomed to it, his new half-vision didn't bother him in battle, it didn't hinder him in everyday life, and it wasn't a particularly attractive feature, so people stopped approaching him so often. But everyday he was reminded of something that he would prefer never to remember, no matter how much he wished for it.

But he had wished for it. The onmyouji knew it was what he wanted in his heart. To feel the pain that the Sakurazukamori had felt when he had given up his own right eye to save Subaru.

Subaru really did not feel like thinking about old matters right now. It was a fact every time he saw his reflection he saw Seishirou and Hokuto, born as one through him, and he felt daily surges of pain when he saw a midnight-colored suit or someone wearing a pair of dark sunglasses, and he was horribly fatigued. It had been a full day of work, traveling from temple to shrine to humble abode, exorcizing spirits and calming ghosts and setting protection spells. Early morning to late night. Now he was tired, and he only wanted sleep. A long rest from the weariness of the world.

So, with some reluctance, he tore himself from the half-seeing gaze he shared with the mirror and stripped off his overcoat and shirt, stumbling haphazardly out of the bathroom and into his bed. As he pulled the sheets over his chilled body, Subaru fell almost immediately asleep.

He felt a sensation like sinking in water as he drifted into his dreams, and a familiar dread fell over him. Subaru knew the walls of his own dreamscape like he knew the walls of his apartment, and they were closing in around him, slowly but surely. That meant the past was not far behind.

So much for a good night's sleep, Subaru mused bitterly as the elegantly ruined landscape that was his mind sharpened in front of his eyes. The clothes that he had worn the day Seishirou died fell around his body once again. There was an expanse of water not quite the sea, but dark and ominous, licking the clay-brown rocks of the cliff behind him. It was nothing that let him rest easy.

Normally, he could avoid this dreamscape; it was where his mind had retreated when he was overcome by the bouts of trauma-induced catatonia occurring after both Hokuto's and Seishirou's deaths and the Sakurazukamori's initial betrayal of him. It had formed in the depths of his soul, even though he thought that the only individuals able to create such dreamscapes were yume-mi. He had not figured it out, but he wondered, because the Dragon of Heaven Kamui had suffered a spell of catatonia much like his, if he had found one for himself. It was a shame Subaru could no longer ask him about it.

Subaru turned, sighing as he did, with a mind to escape this place for the peaceful state of unawareness, when he found himself faced with a different place. A much different place. It was like a giant black box; there was a top and a bottom, but this place stretched on for infinity in every other direction he could see. All around him, falling in the air and caressing his skin, were... sakura petals.

The ceiling of the strange place was supported on the great, beautiful back of a gigantic sakura tree. One Subaru remembered very well.

He was stunned. Utterly shocked. He had spun on his heels, eager to escape the dreamscape that would undoubtedly restore some remnant of his past, and he had ended up facing the thing he most didn't want to.

This was the place where three minds met.

Subaru shivered as a sudden wind stirred the white coat he wore. He noticed some of the sakura petals rising up around him, and he was startled as warmth surrounded him and the sakura became a body pressed against his back. Two arms circled his waist and hands clasped together in front of him, and he felt a cheekbone pressed against his temple. Subaru did not have to wait until the figure was fully materialized to know who it was.

"Seishirou-san," he whispered, his body tense as the Sakurazukamori pulled him closer.

"Hai," Seishirou answered, trying to be gentle and to give the younger onmyouji time to realize what was happening. He found it difficult. He had been waiting for a very long time to see Subaru again. After finally understanding his feelings, at the moment of his death, he regretted that he had been forced to leave Subaru in a world where the onmyouji was very much alone.

Slowly, Subaru's body relaxed under Seishirou's grip. "Seishirou-san, how- I don't understand-" he turned his head slightly back, to look up at Seishirou. What he saw when he met Seishirou's eyes was the final blow to his calmer state of mind. He reached up without thinking and touched the Sakurazukamori's cheek tenderly. "You... you..."

Seishirou gently brought a hand up and wrapped his fingers around Subaru's slender wrist. "I like you better with both eyes too, Subaru-kun," he said quietly, smiling. He coaxed Subaru's hand down and once again seized the Sumeragi. Subaru was instantly assuaged, and he fell against Seishirou. The elder onmyouji welcomed him, and supported his frail body with almost no effort.

"Seishirou-san," Subaru breathed again, appreciating Seishirou's warmth in the cold wind of the dreamscape. "I have missed you."

He could feel Seishirou's lips touch his temple. "I missed you as well, Subaru-kun."

As Seishirou continued to trail soft, chaste kisses down his cheek, his jaw, his neck, his collarbone, Subaru let his eyes close and let himself sink into the moment, a moment that seemed impossible, implausible. He was once again in Seishirou's arms, and for the first time in years he could let down his guard. He felt completely secure; he knew the Sakurazukamori would never allow anyone to harm him, and there did not seem to be anyone around to do it, anyway. The throbbing sakura tree held the sky up above them, but seemed, in its own way, benign.

But the fact remained that Seishirou had died. Subaru himself had been the one to see to that.

"Seishirou-san," he murmured, bending his head back against the elder man's chest. Seishirou sighed heavily against his cheekbone.

"Yes, Subaru-kun?"

"Did you mean what you said?"

There was no need for Seishirou to ask what he meant. He had been suspecting, when he finally was able to see Subaru again, the first thing Subaru would ask him would be if his dying words really were sincere. One of the reasons he had waited so long for the younger onmyouji to find his way to the sakura was so he could answer that question.

"Subaru-kun, I have never meant anything as much as I meant that."

Subaru released a great sigh as Seishirou buried the younger man within the folds of his black coat. Subaru tilted his head back to look up at Seishirou.

"Arigato, Seishirou-san," he muttered, a hint of the childish innocence that had once been in his voice returning. He tucked his head underneath Seishirou's chin and the Sakurazukamori pulled him still closer.

"I felt you shivering," Seishirou said, trying to explain away his actions. Subaru smiled and closed his eyes.

"I didn't mean that, Seishirou-san." Seishirou chuckled softly.

There was silence for a moment, and they just stood, listening to each other breathe and enjoying each other's company. The sakura still stretched ominously above them, pulsating and intermittently swelling and deflating. It looked as if it were alive. He was suddenly reminded of the reason he was here, with his Subaru-kun, after his soul departed from the earth so long ago.

"Subaru-kun," he said into Subaru's raven hair, "I was sent here to ask you to make a choice."

He felt the Sumeragi's heaving sigh. "So you'll have to leave again."

"Not necessarily, Subaru-kun," said Seishirou enigmatically. "The choice is whether or not you'd like to stay with Hokuto-chan and I. The sakura tells me it will grant you that, if you wish for it." Subaru froze. Seishirou felt his breath stop and his muscles tense again. "You have only to refuse, and Hokuto-chan and I will continue our journey into the afterlife, and you will no longer be haunted." Subaru did not move.

Seishirou stroked his hair and held him, trying to comfort him. There was a pause, a very long one, and more silent than death, except for the throbbing hum of the sakura tree as it awaited Subaru's decision. And, finally, Subaru regained his faculties, exhaling like he hadn't breathed for days.

"It will be forever?" he asked, apprehensive. Seishirou nodded and waited. He didn't have long to wait.

"I want to stay with you and Hokuto-chan, Seishirou-san."

Seishirou, to say the least, was a bit startled. "You want to go with us?" Subaru nodded his head against the fabric of Seishirou's shirt. "Are you sure, Subaru-kun?"

"I'm alone, Seishirou-san," Subaru murmured. "After the apocalypse was over, the Seals had no obligation to me. You and Hokuto were gone, and my obaasan would not consort with the Sakurazukamori, at least not in person-" He wrapped his arms around Seishirou's waist. "I want to stay here, with you and Hokuto. I can be happy."

The Sakurazukamori smiled gently. "All right then."

The finality in his voice seemed to be the signal for the sakura to move. Its branches unfurled, without a sound, freeing themselves from the black sky-roof, and crept towards them. It made only a small creaking noise, like a rusty hinge; Subaru hardly noticed it.

"Just sleep, Subaru-kun," Seishirou whispered to him. The younger onmyouji was already drifting away, the shot of adrenaline from his initial shock fading. "Just go to sleep."

While Seishirou held Subaru in his arms, the sakura crept ever closer, and Subaru fell deep into slumber- a genuine slumber. Seishirou tightened his hold, so the younger man would not fall, but it was not a large task to hold such a worn-out, thin body upright. And while Subaru slept peacefully in Seishirou's arms, the sakura spilled his blood across the dreamscape's black floor, and dressed itself in crimson, reveling in the theft of the Sumeragi's life, and in the prey it was finally permitted to slaughter. The sakura ate his flesh and drank as it gored him, and ground his bones to feed the soil it was rooted in. And he noticed nothing, absorbed in tranquil repose.

Subaru's soul remained free.

Seishirou carried him, wrapped in his own jacket, across the border of the consciousness, through the thin film that held life apart from death, to a place of light, where a seashore awaited them. He walked out to the end of the rocky path, staring out at the sea through both of his honey-colored eyes. When the now twenty-five year old Seishirou looked down at the figure in his arms, Subaru had changed, just as he had. As Subaru's eyes opened, Seishirou was presented with the bright, vibrant green from when they had all been good friends, a trio of troublemakers. Subaru was a child again.

"Subaru-kun," he coaxed, as Subaru looked around at where he was. Instead of the onmyouji's garb they had been adorned in, they now wore the very attire they had worn the day they had met, at the railroad tracks. He set Subaru down on the rocks, watching with amusement as he stared this way and that, his big green eyes full of curiousity. Before them was spread the surface of a great ocean, the crystal color of teal tourmaline, stretching all the way to the horizon. A blue sky rose up above them, clearer and more beautiful than it ever was on Earth-

And Subaru's bright green eyes lit up as he realized where they were.

"The world-" and he paused as his tenor voice startled him. Seishirou chuckled as Subaru's small hand went to his throat. His amazement quickly faded. "The world if the Angels had won the battle."

Seishirou nodded, pulling Subaru against him as he had in the previous dreamscape. He brought one of his hands up to the younger boy's chin, and tilted it to look down the shore. A figure there waved at the couple excitedly, running towards them. Seishirou watched with a satisfaction odd to him as the two met, Subaru's eyes lighting up with happiness he hadn't felt in years.

"Hokuto-chan," he sobbed as he wrapped his arms around her neck. She faked a choking noise.

"Subaru, you'd best be careful, or you'll strangle me!" Hokuto told him, as she latched onto her brother with equal vigor. Seishirou, for that instant, wondered how they could be twins, when Hokuto looked so much older than Subaru. She had regained her childish appearance as well, but, holding each other so fervently, Subaru practically weeping into Hokuto's shoulder, Subaru looked at least a couple of years younger than his sister.

"Oneesan," he whimpered as he hugged her, but suddenly Subaru pulled away. "You- you- How could you go off like that? I don't think I've ever properly scolded you for that, oneesan! It was unnecessary and foolish and-" he suddenly embraced her again, "-I'm so glad to see you again."

Hokuto glanced knowingly at Seishirou over Subaru's shoulder. "I missed you too, Subaru." Hokuto gave Subaru a few more moments before gently pulling away. "There's someone I want you to meet." Subaru looked at her quizzically, but Hokuto's green eyes narrowed slyly. "Kakyou! Kakyou, you can come out now!" she called into the dreamscape.

She waited a few seconds, but nothing happened. There was no sound but the chirping of sea-birds overhead. Hokuto's lips pursed. "Kakyou, come on. Stop being shy."

All three of them felt the reluctance of a figure that materialized a few feet behind Hokuto. He was only a few inches taller than the twins, and only looked a year or so older. His platinum hair was grown out fairly long, and his golden eyes had an ethereal gleam as they darted about nervously. Every movement he made seemed fluid, elegant. Hokuto hurried over to him. He held his head down so they could barely see his brilliant eyes; they looked much older compared to his youthful appearance.

Hokuto took eager hold of one of his modestly clasped hands and dragged him over to where Seishirou was now resting his broad hands on Subaru's slight shoulders. The young man Hokuto dragged over to them was looking quite embarrassed, and quite intimidated. Which of course, was something that Subaru could understand. The youth, that both Seishirou and Subaru now recognized as a dreamgazer, wore a faint blush on his pale cheeks.

Hokuto, on the other hand, thought he looked unbelievably cute. She grinned.

"Subaru, Seishirou-san, meet the guy who made this reunion possible. Kuzuki Kakyou." As she announced his name, Hokuto gave Kakyou a little jerk by the hand; he stumbled forward to stand beside her. Hurriedly he bowed.

"It's wonderful to meet you, Subaru-san, Seishirou-san," he said, and then straightened up. "Hokuto talks about you frequently."

Kakyou was smiling at them amicably, but Subaru was not really watching his visage. Rather, the young onmyouji was focusing on the dreamgazer's long hair, his familiar eyes, and the smooth, light voice vaguely reminiscent of a dream he'd had a long time ago-

Seishirou did not know quite what to make of Kakyou yet, but he supposed this boy, with manners not unlike the shy, timid mannerisms of his Subaru (only with a noticeable increase in intensity), could grow on him.

"It was you," Subaru suddenly said, and Seishirou's hands on his shoulders twitched in surprise at his sudden outburst. "You were the one who tried to save her that day. You were shot, and you went into a coma-" Subaru stepped forward, reaching into a pool of now-vague memories. "And you- after Seishirou-san died, you came and talked with me. You-"

There was silence as Subaru suddenly stopped. Hokuto now watched apprehensively for her brother's reaction, for she had grown fond of Kakyou during all their time together, and she did not wish for friction between Subaru and the dreamgazer. Kakyou might have been just as confused as she was.

Subaru smiled and stepped forward, extending a hand to him. "Kakyou-san, thank you for letting us meet again like this. You have done all of us a great service."

Kakyou's smile returned as he took the extended hand and gently shook it. When Subaru backed away from him, he felt Seishirou's arms around him once more.

"Yes, Kakyou-san, I must thank you as well."

Hokuto smiled at them.

--

It was in the news the next morning. The thirteenth head of the Sumeragi onmyouji clan, and also the last of the line of Sumeragi, died in his sleep and was found that next morning by a condominium employee. No amount of doctors or autopsies could determine the cause of his death.