August 18, 2004

Holy crizap! It's been WAY too long since I've managed to pull off a story. I actually started writing this on, uh, March 21. I HATE writer's block, and I'm going to go stab it RIGHT NOW. Excuse me.

Okay, I'm back. Here's my story. Enjoy! Or, at least try. The stupid sometimes maketh one laugh, and sometimes it maketh one cringe. Only time wilt tell which response thou shalt be afforded..

Fool Me Twice
By Pervasive Threnody

The group was roughing it again, yet somehow Goku didn't seem to mind. Overhead, a last bird sang to the dusk, and away in the grass, some crickets chirped. The late summer air stirred every now and then, a gentle sighing breeze.

No, the outdoors weren't so bad. A bed was always nice, but out here, there was peace. Stretched in the grass near a crackling bonfire, Goku relaxed and let his thoughts drift momentarily. As he gazed into the sky, a star winked into view above his head, and he leaned back and studied it. What was that rhyme he had heard long ago...

"You'll never get anywhere in life with your head in the clouds." Goku inclined his head to see Sanzo standing near the fire, an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips. He was clothed in his robes as usual, with the top half folded around his waist to reveal skin-tight leather underneath. It was Sanzo's 'relaxed' attire, which wasn't saying much. At any rate, the man's idea of relaxing always to entail making everyone else feel just the opposite.

It then occurred to him that the monk was still waiting for a response. Goku shrugged, turning his face back to the sky. "Can't think of a better place to be."

Sanzo grunted noncommittally, but settled on the ground a safe distance away from his companion. He removed the cigarette and felt around for his lighter as Goku watched, and cursed softly when he found nothing.

"You ought to quit, anyway," Goku commented from where he rested, his eyes fixing on the dormant cigarette. "You'll die from smoking before Gyuumaoh ever gets to throw a punch at you."

"Since when did you become my mother?" Sanzo grumbled, still rummaging through his pockets. At last, he gave up and impatiently tossed the cigarette into the fire; they both watched as it vanished into the belly of a hungry lick of flame.

"You know...I'm old enough to be," Goku answered. Delighted by his wit, he turned his head and looked at Sanzo, grinning. The monk stared back, his expression reflecting a mix of disbelief and disgust.

"Ugh," Sanzo finally muttered, pulling out another cigarette. "I don't even want to think about that."

A giggle escaped Goku's lips, and he snickered. "The look on your face..."

"Shut up." Crouching low, Sanzo carefully extended the tip until it caught a flame and glowed orange itself. He inhaled deeply and sent the initial grey cloud into the sky. The toxic supernova billowed outward, quickly spent, and was soon replaced by another.

Goku watched the display, mood sobering as a cloud of smoke drifted around his head. His mind lingered briefly on a course of action. Finally, in an attempt to ignore the acrid stench and unhealthy implications of the tobacco, he reached toward his side, retrieved a medium-sized sack, and sat up to paw through its contents.

Sanzo watched, his features displaying a Sanzo-appropriate amount of feigned disinterest, as Goku produced a small bag, a pair of apples, and an orange. "That's all you've got, Monkey?" he said with a scoff. "That isn't going to last twenty minutes in your stomach."

The challenge was on. Goku studied Sanzo, weighing his options. "But you don't care," he responded, finally deciding to play the game.

"I don't," the monk affirmed, taking a drag. "Except that you're going to be begging for more in an hour, and I'll have to shut you up again."

It was too easy too play, because the game never, ever changed. In the firelight, the smallest smile could be seen on Goku's face. "Maybe," he said, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck. "But I'm not that hungry tonight."

"I'm going to faint with shock," Sanzo said wryly as Goku settled in with his food. His cigarette burned low and he discarded it.

A warm wind blew across the area, ruffling hair and clothing, Goku's mane in particular. It had been a while since it was cut, and the fringe hung low in his eyes while the rest brushed the top of his collarbone. He tossed it back with his head. Then, suddenly serious, he tilted it toward his companion.

It was time for a new game.

"Do you ever eat?" Goku wondered absently.

The question seemed to take Sanzo aback. "What?" he asked, turning his head to look at Goku.

"Do you ever eat?"

"Of course I eat, you idiot." Sanzo narrowed his eyes. "Have you lost what was left of your mind?"

Goku shook his head a few times, determined to press forward. "Of course I haven't. But that wasn't what I asked, Sanzo. Have you ever REALLY eaten? Just to eat? For the experience, I mean."

"That's an awfully big word for you, Monkey." Sanzo shifted a bit in his seat. "Do you even know what it means?"

"Of course I do," Goku insisted, the frustration in his voice reflecting a futile attempt to disguise offense at the allusion to his lack of intelligence. "If you experience something, it means you can tell other people what it's like." He pouted a bit, daring Sanzo to challenge his crude definition.

Surprisingly, Sanzo didn't. "So, you're saying, I don't know what it's like to eat."

Goku's lips twitched almost imperceptibly. On a face that normally held either a blank expression or one of childish glee, the smirk seemed out of place. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

"I suppose you think I need some sort of guidance," was Sanzo's retort. His fingers twitched and he sent them on a mission for his cigarettes. Quick to respond, Goku reached out and took them from his hand when they appeared.

"Yes."

"Give those back," Sanzo growled when he recovered from his shock. He held out a hand; again, Goku defied him.

"You can have them back later," Goku replied, tucking them out of sight. "First lesson: smoking ruins your sense of taste."

"Excuse me? I am NOT your pupil," Sanzo spat, obviously offended. Witih a huff, he took to his feet.

"Are you going to waste your whole life?"

Turning in place, Sanzo stared at him. Goku steadily returned the gaze. "You aren't going to live forever," he said. "If you never enjoy at least something in your life, it'll be over before you know it. Do you really want it to be wasted?"

The question seemed to catch Sanzo in a moment of indecision. He looked away from Goku toward the fire, then glanced at his nicotine-stained fingers.

"Idiot," he muttered, but sat back down anyway. "Get to the point, or I really will leave."

Goku beamed, then edged closer. "Okay." He began to rummage through his supplies. "First, carrots."

"Carrots."

"That's what I said," the youth replied. He pulled a handful of carrot sticks from his bag, split them in two sections, and handed one set to Sanzo. "Eat one."

The monk frowned, but obeyed. "I ate it. Now what?"

"What does it taste like?"

"A carrot."

Goku sighed, rolling his eyes. He pointed at Sanzo's share. "Try another one. And at least TRY to play along!"

"This is stupid," Sanzo muttered, stuffing another one in his mouth and chewing. "They taste like carrots."

"What does it REALLY taste like, Sanzo? Think about it." Goku ate one himself, waiting patiently as Sanzo worked his way through another one.

"Why don't YOU tell ME what it tastes like," he said when he was done. "I'm losing interest."

"Um, well," Goku said, chewing on another, "It tastes to me... like the ground. Carrots come from the ground, don't they? Maybe it spent so long in the dirt that it started to taste like it."

"Carrots don't taste like dirt," Sanzo pointed out. "And how did you know they come from the ground?"

Goku ignored the question. "Okay, then. We'll move on to apples." He picked up the pair sitting next to him and gave one to Sanzo. "Take a nice, big bite. The first one is always the best." They both bit into their apples. "Isn't the crunching noise cool?" Goku raved.

"No."

"As you're chewing it," Goku told him, "think really hard. Think about where it came from. Not the ground this time, but a tree."

I'm surprised you knew that as well," Sanzo retorted. Goku ignored him yet again, chewing thoughtfully on his own apple.

"Maybe," he said, "These apples came from the same tree. But see how different they look?" He pointed to the one in Sanzo's hand. Yours is a little wrinkled, and it has a hole or two. It might have been hanging low to the ground, and an animal tried to bite it." Sanzo frowned and glanced at his apple, but made no comment. "And mine, see, it's bright and red. I'll bet it got a high branch way, way up, where the sun could shine on it." Goku stopped and stared down at what was left of his apple, then looked up to meet Sanzo's eyes.

"You weren't finished," Sanzo said. "Hurry up, or I'm leaving."

"Huh?" Goku blinked. "Oh. Well, your apple is finished. And the fire's burning low." He pointed to the gnawed apple core, and then at the dwindling flames. Carefully, he set his own core aside and searched for the last item while Sanzo rose to add firewood.

"The last one," Goku said needlessly as Sanzo sat back down. "The orange."

"I can see that," Sanzo replied with a huff. "I suppose I have to hear this fruit's life story, as well."

"Well...." Goku took up the fruit and studied it. "Oranges are pretty special. Not many people ever get to eat one around here. I think I've only ever had one." He turned it around and around in his hand. "Like apples," he continued, "they grow on trees. Not like carrots, which come from the ground in only a season."

"You don't say," Sanzo muttered. He glanced toward his tent on the far side of the campsite.

"Do you want to hear about the orange or not?" Goku eyed him balefully, rotating the fruit in his hand.

"You wanted me to sit and listen."

"You could have left." Goku smirked again, knowing he'd won again, and Sanzo rolled his eyes.

"Go on, already."

"Okay." Goku smiled, and his mischievous countenance instantly vanished. "Oranges like really, really warm weather... uh, what is it called..."

"Climate?"

"Yeah! That's it!" Goku's smile exploded into a grin. "Cli...mate...yeah."

A requisite sigh from his guardian. "You're hopeless..."

"Anyway," Goku pressed on, "they're really good." Long fingernails traced the fruit's surface. "The outside is rough and bitter, but...." In one quick movement his sharp nails sliced into the skin. "Easy to open if you know how." Goku made short work of the peel before carefully splitting the fruit down the middle. As he did, the smell of citrus pinched the air, acidic and sweet. "Eat it slowly," Goku ordered, a piece already in his mouth as he passed a portion to Sanzo. "Now, you tell me about the orange."

The monk's eyes rolled exaggeratedly even as he accepted his share. "I'm not going to--"

"Just do it. Please?"

"Fine, fine." Sanzo sighed. "It grew on a tree."

"Sanzo," Goku whined, almost crushing a piece of fruit in his annoyance. "You're not trying at all."

"It grew on a tree," Sanzo continued, his voice betraying the limits of his patience. "Where the weather was warm and the sun always shone. It stayed there for months with its other orange friends. And one day the wind gusted and shook the tree, and it fell off. The end."

"You have NO imagination," Goku complained, gnawing on an orange section. "But I already knew that, I guess."

"You did, did you." The tiniest of smiles formed on Sanzo's lips.

"Hakuryuu could have come up with a better story than that, Sanzo."

"Like yours was any better?" Clearly offended, Sanzo folded his arms.

"Well, at least I was trying." Goku's eyes sparkled with delight. "Anyway, this is the last piece." He opened his mouth as if to eat it, but instead, on a whim, he turned it around and quickly aimed it at Sanzo's lips. It was such an unexpected action that the monk's mouth opened in reflex, accepting the fruit without thought. By the time Sanzo had swallowed the orange, Goku had already pulled back a bit and was watching him carefully.

"What the..." Sanzo spluttered, wiping his mouth. "Don't try that again, or I'll kill you."

Goku nodded, looking penitent. "Okay," he agreed, eyeing the last section of orange in his hand.

.....

"What did I JUST tell you, you hopeless idiot!?" Sanzo howled. "Has your brain dribbled out your ears?"

"You DID swallow it," Goku pointed out, trying to ignore his glee at the color in Sanzo's face their proximity had exacted. "It's not my fault..."

"I'm still going to kill you," Sanzo raged, a vein in his forehead twitching as he fumbled in his pocket. The gun fell from his hands as he moved to aim, and as he fruitlessly lunged forward to catch it, the action brought him nose-to-nose with a rather startled-looking Goku.

A cricket chirped helpfully.

"You were saying?"

"I was, wasn't I," Goku mumbled distractedly, his eyes sliding toward the fire. "Uh...."

"Never mind. I don't want to hear it." Sanzo retrieved his gun, got to his feet, and began to stride away. Stirring from his stupor, Goku darted after him.

"Hey," he yelped with his best high-pitched voice, the one guaranteed to make Sanzo cringe. "I remember now!"

"Do you." The cringe made its appearance. At the sight of it, Goku burst out laughing.

"Yeah! It goes like this. Fool me once, shame on me..."

Sanzo's hand twitched.

"Fool me TWICE, shame on you!" Still laughing, Goku dodged the fan he'd known was coming. "Isn't that right, Sanzo?"

"Shut up." Sanzo's pace quickened, but Goku matched it easily. "And that's not how it goes. Your stupid monkey brain mixed it up."

"God, you're so mean. And besides, it works anyway, doesn't it?"

"Just be quiet."

"But you liked it, you know you did...."

The sound of their voices faded as they walked away together, the monkey darting around the monk and engaging him in more banter that would surely earn him a beating with the fan. Above, the stars twinkled in the sky, and the fire burned low, and all was well. Shangri-La hummed in harmonic balance, as it always does in these sorts of settings.

Some time later, a small brown squirrel emerged from a nearby brush stand and paused, posing to add to the idyllic, sparkly scene. It sniffed the air and peered about with its beady eyes. A scent caught its attention and it squeaked happily as it darted toward the abandoned orange peels.

And was promptly seized in the jowls of a massive grey tomcat.

----

Uhh... WTF? Yeah. Sorry about the ending! This was originally supposed to be some corny WAFF piece before I realized how damn stupid it had become. So, I butchered it. Ha ha ha. I love writing.

The squirrel was reincarnated, by the way, in case you were wondering about karmic animal abuse.

As a giant, cat-eating wolf.

HONTO No Owari! Yes! This is the REAL ending. Mwahahahahaha.