Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh in any way. If I did, Ryou wouldn’t have such a thick accent and Yugi would die several painful deaths.

Session 2: Who The Hell Are You?

Ryou sat in the corner, glaring fiercely at his Yami.

“Jeez, you wimp, I steal some Cinnamon Toast Crunch and you nail me to the wall by the ear? Isn’t this a bit harsh?”

“Not at all.” Ryou snapped back. “Maybe you’ll learn why your plan almost would have worked. But now I’ve got my fix, and you’re nailed to the wall! Everyone wins!”

It was at this point that several fangirls took pictures, blinding Ryou with their obnoxiously bright flashes and allowing Yami to make his escape. Suddenly a girl burst in through the flashes. Her hair was long and silver, bangs falling mysterious over one blue… no wait, green… no, now it’s a hazelly color… DAMNIT, STOP CHANGING! eye. Her figure was ridiculously attractive, and her grin was at once sadistic and seductive. Her eyes glinted a bit as several similarly if not-so-much unreal girls ran up behind her, and an arm snapped out.
Yami Bakura stared for a second. “The hell?”
”Quickly, my Bitch Squad! We must move quickly! Yuri Mu! Capture the Yami! Yari Mu! Help her!” These comments were pointed towards a couple of Asian twins, who were obviously mirror reflections of beauty, being both twins and members of the Bitch Squad. “Meanwhile, you two,” she pointed to another two of her group, both captivatingly beautiful, though not nearly so exaggeratedly as Mary Sue, “capture the disabled Ryou! I shall prepare the closet!”

“Yes, Mary Sue!” the girls responded in unison. “We’re on it!”

The Bitch Squad spread out and did their duty, while Mary Sue quickly began working on building the ultimate locked-in-a-closet-romance closet, and Arie(lla) Lu began to put together a pair of disassembled handcuffs used by Harry Houdini she had bought off of eBay.

“Soon we shall do justice to all that is Ryou/Bakura yaoi, my Bitch Squad! And then we shall move on to Tea-bashing!”

“Yes, Mary Sue!” the entire Bitch Squad replied in unison.

“We’ve caught him, Mary!” Yuri and Yari Mu presented the Yami, who was hanging on the end of a line. They twisted him off, showing the bait… a knife-set ad.

“Ooooo… solid steel…”
”Quick! Stuff him in the closet!”

He was quickly stuffed into the closet, and followed by his hikari in short order, they were handcuffed,and then the door was slammed and locked.

“Nooooooooooooo! We’re locked in! We’ll be forced into every cliché romance of a thousand decades! GODS DAMNIT!”
”Um… Yami, the lock’s on this side. We can escape.”
”Are you mad? This thing’s foolproof! The door’s oak, for Ra’s sake!”

“Yeah. Foolproof.” Ryou unlocked the door and waited for Yami to try and knock the door down again, then swung it open, his Yami promptly running out and screaming an Old Egyptian battle cry.
”Dooooonnnuuuutttssssss!”

Ryou, sadly, was dragged along by the handcuffs, bouncing along as Yami ran.

Yari smiled. “He’s soooo dreamy… but Malik’s my favorite!”

Yuri gasped. “NO! Malik’s MY dream guy! You can’t have him!”

“I can too! He’s mine!”
”I was born 3 seconds earlier! He was my favorite first!”

With this the sisters began to fight.

“Nooooooo! My beautiful plan! Bitch Squad! Assemble! We shall move on to plan B!”

“Plan B?”

“Find Malik! He’s the alternative yaoi guy!”
”Will do, Mary Sue!”

“Bitch Squad! Move out!”

In their perfection, the Bitch Squad obviously moved fast.
”We’ve got to warn the others!” Ryou gasped. “Otherwise, there might be total chaos. Anarchy, I tell you, a total lack of order or delicious breakfast cereals. This CANNOT be allowed.”
”Nah.”
”They’re working with the American censors.”
”TO ARMS!”

“I’ll get on that.”

---

Malik was seething with rage. And something no doubt very much like depression, since obviously he was totally angst-ridden and destroyed, and that was the whole reason he was ever evil. Okay, that was a total lie. But it kept the fangirls happy. And with an Item like the Millennium Rod, it was keep the fangirls happy or total ridicule. He had to preserve SOME dignity, for Ra’s sake. Honestly. And of course now there was this “Bitch Squad” on the loose. No doubt they would be here soon enough. He sighed. “I HAD to get the Rod, didn’t I?” This of course was promptly recorded and used as a yaoi reference for the next two decades, but that is another tale for another time. At this point, he was seriously considering stabbing the next person to enter in a mad and furious stabbing rage. It was at this moment that the Bitch Squad burst through, leaping for Malik. Rashid immediately jumped to defend him. “Run, Malik! I’ll hold them off!”

”Alright. Don’t get yourself killed, Rashid!” Malik leapt out the window, rushing off.

It was at this point that the Bitch Squad overran Rashid and burst into his room. “Noooo!” Mary Sue screeched. “Damn it all, he’s made his escape! Split up, girls, we’ll find him yet!”

---

Ryou looked toward his Yami. “Bad news, Yami. Malik’s house has been taken over. We have only one choice… gerbil commandos.”
”Huh?” Yami looked up from a cup of Ramen. “Say what now?”
”Nothing.” Ryou shrugged and glanced around, shiftily. He had to get stuck with the idiot, of all the Yamis. Then again, better than getting the Rod. Poor bastard Malik. And now with that crazy Mary Sue after him… he was doomed. Still, there could be hope yet.
Say what now?
”Nobody was talking to you, Author.” Ryou snapped, quickly sketching out his plans on the cardboard of an old Cinnamon Toast Crunch box.

Yami Bakura looked up. “Hey Ryou, the hell’s wrong with your forehead?”

“Ermm…” Suddenly, Ryou stumbled back, a black hole-looking portal sprouting open on his forehead, and a small man stumbling out. The man was obviously a man of some sort, if a bit of a midget, and the portal closed immediately after him.

“So I’m guessing you’re Yami Bakura, then?”
Ryou shook his head, pointing to his doppelganger across the crate. “He is. I’m Ryou Bakura.”

The small man clicked his tongue. His suit was all black, and admittedly upon further inspection he was not that short, being 4 feet. This still made him a bit shorter than Ryou, but as he seemed to be hovering, Ryou was completely eye-to-eye with him. They were admittedly strange eyes, pure black irises as well as pupils. The man’s hair however was a bizarre shade of blue. Go figure. Some anime character ALWAYS has blue hair. “Well. That could cause a problem. I was supposed to enter through the idiot. Less chance of a brain getting in the way. In a case like this… well, there could be complications.”

Yami Bakura suddenly shot up. “I’m not an idiot!”
”Sure you are. Mrxclbtk.”
Ryou scratched his head. “Um… nice to meet you… Mrl… Mak… Bckt…”
”No no no, Mrxclbtk.”
”Alright, I need a pronunciation guide for this one.”
Yami Bakura burst out laughing as a piece of paper suddenly appeared in Ryou’s hands. “Nice to meet you, Ca… cahhr… Carl! You’re kidding me. His name is Carl?”
”Right. Mrxclbtk.”
Yami Bakura finally fell off his chair, hitting his head a bit on the crate. “Ryou, wasn’t it obvious? Jeez, even I got it!”
Mrxclbtk smirked. “Maybe I did come in the right way after all.”
”HEY!”

Next Session:

Ryou fighting Arie Lu, Yami Bakura fighting off the twins, Malik running for his life with Tea away from Mary Sue, all in Matrix-style slow motion

Session 3: La Resistance!