Chapter Fifty: The Arbitrary Finale

“I can’t take it anymore,” Ron said. “I don’t care what you did to Sirius, and I’m willing to lose Harry’s friendship over this. You’re the most beautiful woman I know. Bellatrix… I love you.”

The only reason that Ron didn’t die on the spot was that Bellatrix was far too shell-shocked to do anything but gape at him, eyes wide in horror and jaw slack.

The silence was broken by Draco’s hysterical laughter. Snape soon joined him, collapsing weakly on a chair as the rare mirth overtook him. Draco bent double, holding his stomach. “That was bloody awesome!” he shouted. “Say it again!”

Lucius’s eyes were misty. “Aw,” he said softly. “That’s so cute.”

Bellatrix recovered. Clenching her jaw shut, she looked at the moonstruck boy kneeling in front of her and drew her wand. “Avada—” she began.

“Wait!” Snape shouted, struggling upwards. Bellatrix shot him a look of annoyance. “You can’t kill him,” he said, struggling to regain control of himself. “Because—we can totally use this.” His veneer of seriousness cracked for a moment, but he soon regained control.

“Use it?” hissed Bellatrix. “How? The boy’s clearly lost his mind!”

“Be that as it may,” Snape answered, trying to ignore Draco’s hysterical laughter, “he claims to love you. That means he’ll do what you want. He could lead us directly to the Order!”

“Snape’s right!” said Voldemort suddenly. Everyone looked at him and collectively shuddered—they’d forgotten about the tutu. “Bellatrix, I forbid you to kill that boy. Do whatever it takes to get him to give up his secrets, then you can do whatever you want with him.”

“Uh, you guys know he can hear you, right?” gasped Draco, managing to stop laughing long enough to ask, and then succumbing again. By now, he’d fallen to the floor, lying on his back and weakly grasping his stomach.

Bellatrix ignored him in favor of staring in horror at Voldemort. “You’re not serious.”

“I am. Now, about the ballet…”

Lucius immediately fell into a sulk. “I think I should be in the ballet,” he muttered, but beneath his breath.

Ron stood, eyes glowing, and took Bella’s hand. She jerked it away and wiped it on her robes, giving him a disgusted look, but he seemed oblivious. “So, will you marry me?”

Bellatrix shot a please-may-I-kill-him look towards Voldemort, but he sternly glared at her. She sighed in disgust. “First, you’ve got to tell me some things.”

“Anything!” Ron said enthusiastically. Voldemort gave her the thumbs-up, and with another sigh of loathing, she gestured.

“Come on, then. Let’s talk where it’s a little quieter,” she said, giving a nasty look to Draco, who was still laughing. She left, dragging Ron into an adjoining room.

At that point, Ginny entered the room. She looked around, cringed at the sight of the tutu, and then walked over to Draco, who continued to lie on the floor. “What is going on?”

“Ah, Weasley,” he said, managing to control himself slightly. “I could kiss your brother right now.” He pushed himself up on an elbow and looked contemplatively at her. “However, you’re much prettier,” he continued, and before she could quite comprehend what was going on, he dragged her down and kissed her.

Lucius gave a contented sigh and looked over at Snape, who was recovering from his rare show of laughter. “Do you think they’ll want a double wedding?” he asked pensively. Snape slapped him.

Draco and Ginny came up for air. “You know, I’m only doing this because you’re pretty for a mudblood-lover,” he said, breathing a bit heavily.

“And I’m only letting you because you’re cute for a Death-Eating, childish, snobby giraffe,” she answered, her cheeks flushed.

Draco might have asked her what she meant by the giraffe part, but it’s hard to say ‘giraffe’ when someone else’s tongue is in your mouth.

In the other room, Bellatrix was trying to be sweet enough to draw the information needed from Ron, while simultaneously trying to refrain from blasting him into oblivion. She looked like she’d swallowed a kitten and the thing was scratching her all the way down.

“Where’s your little friend?” she asked sullenly.

“Who, Rupert?”

“What the—? Who’s Rupert?” she demanded. Ron gave her a sly grin. Bellatrix had her wand drawn before she quite realized what she was doing, but managed to stop herself in time. “No, Ron,” she said, obviously making an attempt to be pleasant as she tucked her wand away. “Potter.”

“Oh. Knocking about with Ginny, I suppose.”

“Weasley… we have Ginny.”

“I love you, Bellatrix.”

She sighed as a headache struck with a vengeance.

Meanwhile, at the ballet rehearsals…

“No, no, no, Avery! A pirouette!” Voldemort scolded, and then proceeded to demonstrate.

“Scourgify,” muttered MacNair, pointing his wand at his eyes. Unfortunately, the wand misfired, and he blinded himself. “I’ve gone blind!” he screamed, dropping his wand and clutching his face.

Voldemort came out of the move and scowled. “It wasn’t that bad,” he muttered resentfully. He was lifting his wand to curse MacNair, but a sudden high-pitched scream threw off his concentration.

“Was that Justin Timberlake?” wondered Avery.

Lucius came rushing from backstage. “My lord!” he shrieked. “Just look!” He thrust a pair of pointe shoes beneath the Dark Lord’s nose.

“Er… what am I looking at?” Voldemort questioned, clearly clueless.

“These shoes are nearly ruined!” Lucius was close to tears. “Do you know why? DO YOU KNOW WHY?!” Voldemort wisely refrained from answering. “Goyle!” shrieked Lucius. “Goyle was trying to shove his ginormous hobbit feet in them!”

“Uh… we have more,” ventured Voldemort.

Lucius calmed down slightly. “You need someone with slim, well-cut feet,” he said, unobtrusively sliding a fashionably-booted foot out from under his robe.

“You’re right,” said Voldemort thoughtfully, and then belted out, “SNAPE!” He went in pursuit of the greasy-haired DE (or SB).

“My lord!” whined Lucius, trailing behind him.

Draco and Ginny:

Well, no change there. Oh, wait, they’ve gone to groping as well. Let’s leave them alone, and check with

Peter Pettigrew

The little rat himself sat in a chair in a dark room across the desk from a dark, distorted figure. He was terrified, judging by the small wet spot on his pants.

“So, Peter. What do you have to offer me?” came the voice from the figure.

“Lucius Malfoy,” he said tremblingly. There was a brief pause.

“What do you want for him?” the person asked suspiciously.

“Leave the rest of us alone.”

There was another pause, and then: “I’m not sure if it’s worth it. I mean, Lucius is a looker, but he’s bound to whine on and on. You guys are more fun.”

“I’ll throw in Snape as well,” Peter offered without a beat.

The authoress thought it over. “Deal,” she said. “No, I’d rather not shake your hand. You could be carrying diseases. But your Cheez-it addiction is cured.”

“Gee, thanks,” said Peter.

“Stay away from that stuff,” she said sternly. Peter hopped up and scuttled away.

Bellatrix

She’s been reduced to tears by now. Ron’s trying to comfort her, but he’s not doing it very well. I’m pretty sure trying to kiss her won’t help, Ron. Ouch, that’s got to hurt.

Ballet

“No.” Snape glowered fiercely at the Dark Lord, fully prepared to curse him if old Tom said one more word on the subject.

“But Snape—” whined Voldemort, oblivious to Lucius’ tentatively raised hand.

“I said no,” Snape said, crossing his arms firmly over his chest. “I won’t. That’s final.”

“But we need someone who doesn’t look like a troll!” Voldemort argued. Lucius’s hand-raising became a little more frantic.

“Use Avery. Jeez.”

“He’s already in it!” Voldemort snapped. Lucius whimpered.

“Let him play a double part.”

At that, there was a high-pitched scream of frustration. “Why can’t I be in the ballet?” Lucius had finally snapped.

Voldemort turned and looked deliberately at him. “Because,” he said.

“Because why?”

“You’re… too… pretty,” Voldemort said reluctantly. Lucius subconsciously patted his hair and giggled, but recovered quickly enough.

“What? Why should that matter?”

Snape’s lip curled. “I believe the Dark Lord thinks that your… prettiness… will detract focus from him.”

“Well, I do have a nose… and gorgeous hair,” Lucius said modestly.

Voldemort, who had been glowering all throughout, finally snapped. “Crucio!”

The curse hit Lucius soundly. He shrieked and dropped to the floor, his body racked with pain.

It was at about this moment that the Order of the Phoenix decided to arrive, led by a heroic-looking Harry.

“STICK ‘EM UP!” Harry screamed.

“Ooh!” Voldemort quickly released Lucius from the curse and looked at Harry as though seeing him for the first time. “Potter, you wouldn’t happen to have a background in ballet, would you?”

“Well, actually, I did take a class or two—” Harry began. Tonks slapped him on the back of the head.

“Focus! It’s part of his evil plot to distract you!” She then proceeded to trip over MacNair, who was stumbling around blinded. “Bollocks.”

“Oh, yeah!” Harry said. “Hey, RON!” he bellowed.

Ron came out of the side room, Bellatrix in tow. His nose was bleeding and he had a black eye, but he looked triumphant. “Look!” he said, pointing to the sobbing woman. “I did it! She’s a nervous wreck!” He looked pensively at her. “She’s actually kind of hot when she’s vulnerable.”

Harry shuddered. “She’s a murderer. You know that, right?”

“It’s kind of a turn-on,” Ron said.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” said Harry solidly. “Now let’s find Ginny and—”

Ginny and Malfoy suddenly tumbled out of a broom closet, tellingly disheveled. There was a moment of perfect silence.

“EWWW!” Ron said finally.

“Oh, this from the boy who’s in love with a woman three times his age,” Malfoy said arrogantly.

“I’m not that old,” sobbed Bella, her tears renewed. Ron sympathetically patted her on the back.

“There, there. Age doesn’t matter to me.” He turned back to his traitor of a sister. “HE’S A MALFOY!”

Harry sidled up to Voldemort as the siblings started yelling at each other. “This is the strangest thing I think I’ve ever seen.”

“Tell me about it,” muttered Voldemort.

“Seriously. Say the two pairs got married. Then Ron would be Malfoy’s uncle, and Ginny’s uncle-in-law-and-brother.”

The two gave a collective shudder.

“So, anyway,” Harry said, turning to him. “What was that you were saying about ballet?”

“SLYTHERIN-LOVER!” Ron bellowed at Ginny.

“Look who’s talking!” she retorted rudely.

“Where did Tonks go?” Lucius wondered.

“I saw her sneak off with that shabby-looking fellow. Lupin, I think,” Draco answered his dad.

“This is chaos,” Avery said, walking past.

Bellatrix continued sobbing.

Lucius suddenly (and very literally) vanished, just as Peter walked through the door.

“Um…” Peter said slowly, looking at the bedlam. “What’s… going on?”

“Where did Lucius go?” wondered Snape. Peter blushed.

“I… sort of traded him.”

Snape looked narrowly at him. “You can’t do that.”

“I did.”

“To who?”

“Who else would want Lucius?”

Snape paused, and then nodded. “Well, he deserved it.”

“Everyone—SHUT UP!” Voldemort suddenly bellowed. A forced quiet fell. “Potter and I have reached an agreement.”

“You have?” Ron demanded. Bellatrix lifted her head from where she’d been sobbing on his shoulder.

“You have?” Ginny and Malfoy asked in unison.

“Please don’t let it be what I think it is,” Snape muttered quietly.

“Potter will be the antagonist in the ballet.”

“Who’s the protagonist?” wondered Ginny. Voldemort gave her an insulted look.

“I am, of course.”

“Of course,” muttered Draco.

“If this goes well, I’ll limit my killing to criminals and Potter will quit hunting me down. Does anyone have a problem with this?”

Bellatrix burst into a wail. Voldemort ignored her. “Good. Now—let’s get these rehearsals going!”

Draco rolled his eyes. “This could take a while,” he said, and grabbed Ginny’s hand, pulling her back into a broom closet.

So…

Voldemort and Harry performed the ballet. It was a tremendous success and they went on to collaborate on a good many projects, including an eventual movie titled The Dark Lord and Harry Potter – Two Men With Too Many Names. It was a musical. Voldemort, it turns out, has a fantastic singing voice.

Ron married Bellatrix after four months. Some suspect that he used an Imperius curse on her. Rodolphus was conveniently forgotten.

Snape’s innocence was proven once he didn’t have to worry about the Dark Lord finding out that he was a traitor. He finally got the Defense Against the Dark Arts position and terrorizes Gryffindors as usual. He’s as happy as a jaybird… at least, as happy as Snape can be.

MacNair was the victim of a levitation curse gone wrong. Last anyone saw of him he was hovering five hundred feet over Belfast and heading towards Dublin.

Peter has been clean from his Cheez-It addiction for three years now.

Lucius was last spotted in Providence, Rhode Island, playing the part of a mob boss, his hair cut short and dyed black and his accent transformed to fit in with the locals’. Some believe that he escaped from the authoress’s lecherous clutches and is hiding out. Others think that they’re in it together and fairly happy. No one knows for sure. Narcissa had him declared dead and had an affair with Vernon Dursley before marrying Blaise Zabini. Yeah, I know.

Draco and Ginny ran away together. Charlie and Bill Weasley teamed up to find them and vowed that when they did, Draco would return to England missing an important part of his anatomy. Luckily for Draco, he and Ginny never left England. They’ll come out of hiding in a year, married, with Ginny pregnant, and they’ll be under the grandbaby-starved Mrs. Weasley’s protection from then on.

That’s it. Lucius and I are going to go break someone’s kneecaps now. Piss off.

Finis

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A/N -- Um... hi. (Waves timidly) I'm a horrible person, but aside from that, The Order of the Phoenix inspired me to get off my arse and finally finish this story. (See the movie, by the way-- in my humble opinion, it's the best Potter movie so far) And yes, I'm going to go ahead and end it. (Cue the death threats) But wait! That doesn't mean that there aren't more hijinks in store! I intend on creating a similar story, probably with more frequent updates, probably stretching beyond the Death Eaters. Anyway, there's no word on when it'll be out, but you can add me to Author Alert, or just check back every now and again. I'm fairly certain it'll be up before the end of August, unless Deathly Hallows throws a huge wrench in my plan and I'm too depressed to write. (Not likely-- as long as my Malfoy men and Snape survive, I'll be quite happy-- then again, I'm starting to think Snape's time is up)

Until I manage to get that up, check out Making Friendship Bracelets For The Death Eaters by Avada Cruimpero, Once Upon a Freakin' Time by Evadne, and The Everyday Antics of Lucius Malfoy series by the Duchess of Inkling, if you haven't already read them all. They're all great humor-filled stories.

A very massive thanks to everyone who ever reviewed, a double thanks to those who provided ideas for some of the chapters. I hope to see you all again eventually. Thanks for the attention and love! Till next time 'round!